A
male
age
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*isasterBoy
writes:I have been married for 25 years. We have a wonderful 11 year old son. My wife is a wonderful person. Everyone loves her except my family.My problem(s) stem mostly from my lack of self esteem. I have suffered from clinical depression and anxiety for ten years now. I initially sought out help as a result of the death of my Mother but realize I have probably been anxious/depressed my whole life. I have been on meds all this time and have gone to therapy off and on over these 10 past years. I do not beleive the therapy helped but have been unable to stay with one provider over any length of time due to changes in health care providers due to frequent job loss which stems from the depression.Essentially, I should never have married my Wife. We had significant problems while dating and broke-up several times. I had/have very little dating experience most of which ended with my discovering that my girlfriends were cheating on me or returning to former boyfriends that had been away. For a couple of years I did not date.I knew my wife for a couple of years before we dated. She and my [former] best friend were good friends. I thought they might have slept together when they first met. I became attracted to my Wife and ended up on an impromptu date while out with mutual friends one night. No sex, just making out. The following day I told my best friend and he made a remark that suggested he had slept with her before. I assumed it was years before but as it turned out it was a week or two before.I asked my Wife-to-be if she had slept with my best friend and she denied it. We had sex a week or two later (initiated by her). After a few times having sex it became clear to me that she was more experienced sexually than me. Initially we agreed that our relationship would be casual. She was going to another state in a month or so to go sailing with her first real boyfriend (she claims she never slept with him). I tricked my wife into disclosing information about her sexual past based on the premise we were only in a casual relationship. She told me when, where and with whom she lost her virginity. Turns out it was with some Green Beret on Halloween, 1980. She showed my her photo album with pix of him and a couple of other guys she had slept with. They were all tall, blond, athletic types. She is tall and dark haired and loves tall blondes. I am about 1/2 inch shorter than my Wife and have light brown hair. The boyfriend she was going to see was also blond and very tall. I was not quite sure how I fit into the equation. Nor, my best friend who has black hair and is about 1/2 inch shorther than me.I had only had a few girlfriends with whom I had sex on only a few occasions. I felt intimidated sexually. Sex with her seemed alright. She did the usual ooh's and aah's (like she still does) but I knew I wasn't really doing it for her sexually - certainly no orgasms.I began inquiring about the possibility that she had slept with my best friend/roommate which she continued to deny. I kept falling further in love with her but still had that nagging question in the back of my head. My friends all thought I was nuts and that it should not matter what happened before me. Cognitively I realize that is true but believing it on an emotional level is a whole nother thing. One weekend when my Wife was away with her girlfriend I begged my roommate to tell me the truth. Reluctantly he told me he had slept with my Wife and that it was not two years ago but two weeks before I first went out with my Wife. My head began to spin and I felt like I was going to pass out. I called my Wife and told her my roommate had spilled the beans and that I never wanted to see her again.Still my friends said I was overreacting, asking if I wanted my Wife to be a virgin. The answer was no. But, for only the third or fourth time in my life I felt I was somebody, I was loved. Now to find out that she screwed my roommate during those great few weeks where you realize you are falling for someone and that they seem to feel the same way you do just destroyed me. We fought frequently and had a lot of make-up sex. I told my Wife I did not want her to go sailing with her first boyfriend and she canceled her airline ticket. Still, I could not get over what I thought (and think) was a betrayal. Even though I am considered good looking by most no one seemed ever to notice me out at the clubs etc. When I first went out with my Wife I felt like cock-of-the-walk. Girls at the bar seemed to finally notice me and I was exuding self-confidence. This all ended with my roommates disclosure. When we fought I would call my Wife you "slut, bitch, whore" and told her I would never forgive or forget her betrayal. Despite this we still married. I because I did love her and felt like she was my last chance at love (there was no way I would ever trust my heart to anyone else again). I am not sure why she still married me. She is strong-willed and should have known better.We had good years and bad years during the course of our marriage including several consecutive good years after the birth of our Son. Prior and subsequent to that time I was always trying to get more out of my Wife about her sexual history. She resisted except for telling me her former lovers were "good teachers". I continued/continue to feel inadequate as a male sexually. I am average size. My vivid imagination assumes her prior boyfriends (especially the Green Beret) were well-hung major league studs. I believe that my Wife cheated on me shortly before our marriage. I picked up the mail one day and there was a letter from a guy she knew while she was still away in the service. From my perspective a guy is not likely to write someone unless they want to have an intimate relationship with that person or have had an intimate relationship. My Wife denied this and as far as I know that was the one and only letter. A couple of years ago my Wife said that I could easily cheat on her. I told her I had been faithful since we first dated but that I doubted she could say the same. She asked what I meant. I told her I know her mindset and that her mindset was that girls should have fun/sex as they saw fit. I told her I assumed she had sex while overseas knowing that she was going to get married when she got home and that she would want to live it up. A shit eating grin came across her face. I knew I had been right. Again, despite admitting her dalliance she denied ever being unfaithful. I do not believe her.My problem is that I am obsessed with finding out the details of her prior sexual history right down to cock size, whether she had group sex (my roommate said that some Special Forces guys had suggested to him that she had pulled-a-train while with her first). She claims she had never given oral sex to any prior boyfriends and thus does not know how her prior boyfriends were hung. I told her I doubted she never got a glimpse of what her boyfriends had to offer seeing she is so nosey that she has to look into neighbors window while we are out on walks together. Again, the shit-eating grin. She also denies being able to tell the size difference (if any) during intercourse.The big question is do I really want to know the specific facts or will this just make me feel worse? I would have assumed she would have told me if I was around the same size as her prior lovers. I know that I do not satisfy her sexually. She probably has had only a dozen or so orgasms over the 27 years we have been having sex. When I tell her that I know I suck in bed she has no comment.I do not know whether knowing the facts will help me to stop obsessing about what might be or whether it will simply start a whole new list of things to obsess over. I am sad to say that I have considered drugging her to get the truth (I never would) out of her or sending her a phoney Sex Survey Quiz to answer. My Wife claims never to have been drunk. I find this absolutely amazing having spent most of my weekend nights as a teen and in my early 20's shitfaced. I wonder if she got drunk during that Halloween Party at a motel suite rented by the Green Berets and got gang-banged (thus the source of the group sex rumor). My Wife is a real control freak so she may simply not want to get drunk and lose control (whether for the first time or as a result of what my have happened in that motel room).I know I am crazy: paranoid, OCD, depressed, anxious... Help me please!
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best friend, cheated on me, depressed, drunk, her ex, notice me, oral sex, orgasm, roommate, self esteem, sexual past Reply to this Question
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male
reader, DisasterBoy +, writes (12 January 2012):
DisasterBoy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, had to run. Wife just got home!
A
male
reader, DisasterBoy +, writes (12 January 2012):
DisasterBoy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all responders new and old! You are an astute bunch! My life is completely driven by my insecurity. I grew up actually being told by my mother that we were not as good as anyone else and not to give anyone any reason to discover this. I grew up doing my best to be invisible which has only led to incredibly painful loneliness. When I was visible I felt the need for everyone to like me and I became whomever fit the circumstances at the time. I was a lonely wallflower in elementary school, a bully, jock in middle school then alternately "the crazy, drunk, guy with the muscles" in high school, super student in college and invisible outsider again in law school. ow I am a wanna-be victim.
Nearly every minute of free time I have I am engaged in abusive self-talk telling myself how stupid I am and what a fool I was and am. I have tried self-help audio tapes, I have been in therapy, I went to grad school. At this point I just do not foresee there ever being any light at the end of the tunnel! I know, more wallowing! It is, however, what I do best.
I appreciate your advice re: my son. In fact, my wife told me last week that he said to her in the car on the way to school that: "you two have an awfully strange way of showing you love each other." Intuitive or simply that evident? Evident I guess! This past Summer my wife's family came out to visit. My wife's sister asked to take a photo of us and instead of saying "smile for the camera" she said "pretend like you like each other!" I think we were both kind of shocked but I guess it is pretty hard to miss. I don't know; I am so confused. On Facebook my wife wrote "I married my best friend 27 years ago today!" My response to myself is a. I am not your best friend, I hate your f'n guts and b. no, you screwed "MY" best friend and married me. As I read this it becomes more and more evident this marriage must end. I am not going to ever open my heart to my wife or anyone else except my son. Yes, as far as I am concerned my life is essentially over in any meaningul way. I am resigned to that. My only purpose is helping my son as best I can, imperfect as that may be.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (10 January 2012):
I'm not saying anything you don't already know but this relationship is really not healthy and it is clearly damaging the pair of you.
Intentionally withholding affection, what a horrible thing that you are doing. You are pushing your wife away, yet you also seem concerned that she has "taken the bait" and is looking elsewhere. She is a human being, not an experience whereby you can test her and see how she responds.
You say you love your wife deeply, yet you are hurting her in one of the most painful, prolonged and manipulative ways possible. Is that really love?
It sounds like you are afraid of showing love, and accepting that you are loved. You've used the whole "prior sexual history" as a crux to stop you getting over this deep insecurity in yourself that you have.
You need to man up, and by that I mean, stop being so self-absorbed in your emotional issues and baggage. If you love your wife, show it. Show her affection and warmth, and if you can't do that, stop at least in your creepy and nasty ways. She sounds like a butterfly, that you have imprisoned. I think you know how this will play out, and it's a shame you don't think you have more control in this than you actually do.
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A
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reader, C. Grant  +, writes (10 January 2012):
 I think this is a point where you should be asking yourself what you want from life. You know and I know that there are fewer days ahead than behind. At the moment you are wishing away the remaining days. Not only wishing them away, but wasting them, by wallowing in your unhappiness. Passively. You're waiting for her to choose a new relationship, and encouraging her to do so by staying in this awful funk.Just what do you hope will happen when she chooses someone new and moves on? You'll be free of your issues with her, to do what? You sound like you've decided that, despite your love for her, the marriage is dead. You're waiting for her to end it. Usually when guys say that, it's because she's been holding them back from something. I don't get that from you at all. Instead, you sound like you've written off your life, and in doing so you're afraid you're holding her back from living hers.Friend, you need a seriously competent counsellor. You have issues that go far beyond your marriage. Whether the marriage ends or not, you need guidance to help you appreciate the life you have, because at the moment you don't seem to be valuing it.I suspect that, buried beneath the depression and other issues, there is a man your wife loved and committed to. I doubt she's seen that man in some time, and that's why she's looking for alternatives -- and given that she has a child to raise, that's probably not unreasonable. If you can man up, get your act together, stop wallowing and learn to live again, then she'll be back at your side. But you have to meet her half way. Your self-confidence is shot, and you need a serious kick in the ass to get it back. Find a counsellor who will do that.A last thought. What kind of example are you setting for your son? Our children learn from what they see. Do you really want your son to model this relationship in his future? To be passive? To make things so horrid that the significant other is practically forced to leave? Or do you want to model a relationship where issues are confronted and addressed in a constructive, adult manner. Your son is going to go off in to the world of relationships in a very short span of time -- don't you need to show him how a man does it well? And how a man who isn't coping well seeks help to be better? Even if you've given up on yourself, you need to show your son how to be better.
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A
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reader, DisasterBoy +, writes (10 January 2012):
DisasterBoy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, here I am two years later: still completely screwed-up mentally and emotionally. Not much has changed as far as my crazy thoughts go. I still resent my wife but I have given up on my hope that she might someday provide me with any relief by way of any truthful answers to my questions. I have deliberately been withholding any affection from my wife for some time now. In part, out of simple spite but I think also in hopes that she will find someone else and leave me. In any case, I assume she is readying herself for market. She has lost a lot of weight and looks great (and I have told her so.) I do actually love her deeply! I told her that I hoped that my wanting to jump her bones daily was not going to be a deterrent to her ongoing weight loss. She said No! but has avoided me like the plague in recent months stating she just has no sexual drive. She cannot get dressed and out of the door quickly enough nowadays.Based on her reaction (quickly shutting off the monitor, looking guilty, chatting me up on some ridiculous subject to divert my attention) I have obviously caught her doing something surreptitious on the computer/Facebook. I of course checked her account and big surprise, she was and is in contact with that backstabbing roommate of mine; wishing him happy birthday, etc. with heart emoticons. Talk about twisting the knife! It just kills me! Moreover, she still refuses to acknowledge doing anything wrong. In her first message to loverboy she states that he "should have kept his mouth shut!" I now accept that what she did before me is her own business. It was and is, however, her pathalogical lying and her refusing to acknowledge that she caused me any pain that gets me. All I can do is shake my head and shrug my shoulders in disbelief. I assume she is interested in someone else or interested in meeting someone else. I hope so, for her sake and mine. I just want this to be over. I know I have probably shortened my life span by years with all this negativity over such a long period of time. At least she could be happy.
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A
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reader, BeautifulCapricorn +, writes (12 January 2011):
dude from what i just read ... u r very insecure ... you would cause someone to cheat even if they didnt want to before ... my gosh
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A
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reader, Serpico +, writes (11 January 2011):
I usually have advice for gents regarding this who are just getting into it. But a wife after 25 years? 11 year old son?
Honestly - you had all of this information very early, and that was your time to act on it. Now, the only thing you can do is fix yourself, and judging by your post after 25 years, that will not be a trivial task.
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reader, C. Grant +, writes (11 January 2011):
We've had a lot of discussion of retroactive jealousy on this site. I suggest you do a search on it, because some of what you are going through is relevant.
"I know I am crazy: paranoid, OCD, depressed, anxious... "
I'll take you at your word. Certainly the tone of your post is consistent with that self-diagnosis.
I got together with my wife around the same time as you did. Perhaps my delusions are simply different ones from yours, but in my mind our sexual issues were long ago put to rest. At various points in our marriage one or the other of us have sucked in bed. If after all this time sex was the focus of our marriage we'd be well and truly hooped. We're focussed on our kids, caring for other family members, planning for retirement.
Your obsessing about this is unproductive. It's a waste of your emotional energy. I have no doubt that you risk jeopardizing your marriage, because at some point your wife is going to decide she doesn't care to deal with this any more. And I cannot imagine that there is *anything* she could tell you that would put your mind to rest.
The earlier reply concluded "Either you stay with her, or leave her. You are certainly giving her lots of reason to leave you." He's right. Either you move on, or she will.
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reader, serenity80 +, writes (11 January 2011):
Wow man. I'm quite taken aback at your message. I have to say, I did read it in its entirety and I feel for you but I don't think anyone on the Internet is going to help you solve what are seriously deep issues within yourself.
It sounds like your wife needs some kind of award for sticking with you all these years. TWENTY FIVE YEARS you have wasted obsessing on this utter nonsense! 25 years!! What a sad waste of so much of your life! It is so tragic! What is it going for you to take, to get over this? You are clearly still living the emotions from 25 years ago. What's it going to take to move on? Her eventual death? I'd say keep looking for a therapist who you can connect with and get over this, it's your best chance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): You need to try and work this out as it will, will, WILL destroy your marriage.My OH has major issues about my 'sexual history'. I have not slept with many people or done anything unusual or whoreish in any respect, but just occasionally he suddenly loses it at me. He'll question how many people I've slept with, dig through my computer history and ancient files (I had the computer about 3 years before I met him), twist things I've said about exes into statements which are so far related from what I originally said that they're unrecognisable, try to negatively compare himself to my exes (despite my assurances that I really DON'T think what he's telling me I think) and generally sulk and bitch at me/ignore me for hours.Despite this I love him dearly, and he is getting better (it's pretty infrequent anyway). He's a lovely, lovely person 99% of the time, but when he does go off on one he makes me feel absolutely worthless. He realises what he does, but only after he's done it. I can live with it - I've learned to ignore it now and I can spot the warning signs when an episode is coming on, but if it was any more frequent, I would not be able to put up with it.I don't know about your wife's innocence and so on, but as I have never done/said anything to hurt him and it is deeply hurtful when he tells me I have done. Go and speak to someone about this.
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A
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 I can see you have a problem with your wife sleeping with other men, and other men having larger penises, and all that. But it seems to me that your major problem is one of trust. You don't trust her because she was able to sleep with those guys at the time you were falling for her. Maybe this is not cheating, but a depressing thing to know it is. Maybe your real problem is that you wish you knew why the hell she stayed with you if you don't seem to be her body type or her sexual dream. Maybe you suspect she had different reasons to marry you. Her reluctance to discuss this isn't helping. It leads you to think that there is a lot and a lot more than she has told you.
In her defense, I don't know if a woman would stay married for twenty-five years if she didn't love the man. Maybe she would if she felt she had no better option, but I'm not sure that is her case.
I can think she could have been, say, the worst whore in the world, and yet she could have fallen in love with you and be happy to be with you. I wonder if this is what you have.
I understand your need to know. You want to know whether you were taken for a fool or not. But, in the end, I think you know enough already to make your mind up. Either you stay with her, or leave her. You are certainly giving her lots of reason to leave you.
All the best.
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