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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been married to my wife for 14 years,we have three children and on the whole we are happy. I was 19 when i met my wife and she was 23 and we got married two years later. Before i met her i'd only slept with one other woman and my wife tells me she had slept with three men before me but i'm not sure if i beleive her or not. The problem is i'm obsessed with what she done with these other men before me and i find myself constantly asking her questions about it and she doesn't like talking about it. Sometimes i find it a massive turn on when she does tell me but other times we end up having an arguement about it as sometimes what she tells me one time is totally different from what she says another time and i'm sure she is lying alot of the time. One example is she had told me the bloke she lost her virginity to she hadn't seen him after they split up when she was 17 but recently she said she met him one night and had a one night stand with him around a year before we got together. I find myself thinking about what she done all the time and it really is doing my head in and i just want to stop thinking about it...
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male
reader, ScottieDoc +, writes (29 August 2010):
Apologies if you've read this in another thread.
I first posted on this subject in 2006. I’ve re-visited this site only recently and have found what’s been posted in the subject in this, and similar threads both familiar and very helpful. What’s been most reassuring is that there are many others out there with the same problem. I’m not alone, and in fact the single most helpful thing I’d was correspond for a while by email with another man who’d been through the same thing. Although there was certainly a small degree of ‘wallowing in mutual self-pity’ with our predicament, he gave excellent some advice. I was sorry to learn last year that he had broken up with his partner. There’s no doubt things do improve, albeit probably only a little, with time.
My wife first told me after several years of marriage that she’d slept around in her teens and twenties, giving a figure in the region of 40 partners. Naturally I was horrified, and it’s totally changed how I think of her. We’re still together however, and I still love her very much. I love numerous other things about her, and remain determined that I will not let this destroy our marriage, which is good in many other respects. We have two children, and I will not let this affect them.
My wife served in the forces, and there’s no doubt this will have had big a part to play. I try to avoid talking about the subject as much as possible. However, she will sometimes inadvertently bring it up, and when she does so, I still feel physically sick. She sometimes, particularly after drinking, comes out with awful statements, like the other day ‘I used to take holidays with my girlfriends just to be fucked’. ‘I started sleeping around at 16’ was another. I usually become moody for a few days and avoid physical contact, but my positive feelings for her eventually take hold again and we get back on track. Silly things like items on TV, even about the forces or holidays, can bring it on. It can eat me up inside at times and make me very depressed. I want a ‘perfect wife’, but she’s been ‘tarnished’ in this way. I still don’t know how she can have been intimate with so many other men. I do wonder at times if she’s exaggerated her ‘number’ at times, but why do this? I do still hang onto this idea at times, hoping she’s making it up, but exaggerating your past is a weird thing to do.
One of the hardest parts have been the occasions I’ve found out that she’s been in touch with some of her old flames via social networking sites. We’ve nearly split over this too. I now have a pathological hatred of these sites and am still concerned that she might communicate with others.
I agree that this ‘past is the past’ idea isn’t very helpful. The other classic is ‘this made her who she is and hence why you love her so much.’ She may no longer do it, but in my mind she has repeatedly behaved in a very cheap way and I will never be able to get it out of my head. I won’t be able to forgive her, although who am I to demand or expect this? This was before she met me. She kissed too many frogs for my liking, even though I may be the prince. I know some of it may be down to ‘retroactive’ jealousy on my part (I can count the number of partners I’ve had on one hand). This is now my problem. Her problem then was lack of self control. She simply couldn’t refuse advances and keep her knickers on.
The solution? Separate? How would this help? I’d still think about this option when I’m very low, but all I’d end up with is no wife, but without a doubt all the bad thoughts would remain. What about counselling? They’d probably want to dig too deep and stir this up even more, and just blame MY inadequacies. Further, I’d probably have the same problem with the next partner. I’d be suspicious that they’d be lying about their ‘numbers’. One of the most helpful things is to try to think about the good points. There’s no doubt my wife is great in bed, but I’d rather she’d had learnt things with me. She’s great at so many other things, including being a mum. I just hold onto that and do my best to block the bad thoughts. This includes avoiding even watching relevant triggers on TV or talking about subjects that may bring the thoughts back. I divert the conversation where possible, but a husband and wife should be able to talk about old partners. I can’t and won’t. I don’t want images of them in my head.
I’m not sure what to do now, and remain worried we’ll split up one day because of this. Sometimes I can’t stop dwelling on it, but occasionally days or weeks go by when I’ve hardly thought about it. However, I know it will come rushing back if a trigger is seen or spoken. I’ll continue to dip into the threads on the subject on this site. I’m so glad I found it in the hot summer of 2006. Just reading other’s predicament can be so reassuring. There are others who’ve clearly had it worse. All I can say is good luck, and I hope you sort it out without having to leave your partner. I don’t see how that will help, particularly if kids are involved. Above all, if your love for her is true, you won’t let this beat you.
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male
reader, trell19832002  +, writes (11 July 2010):
i have the same problem .. i feel like if i marry her i should know her ..all of her .. she knows me so whats the problem with me knowing all about her ...now when we frist got together i use to ask her a billion and one questions about who she slept with who was the biggest who was the best ect. and i got mad swollowed the pill and i did'nt ask about it anymore andafter a few months i really got to the point when i just stop thinking about it .. but the other day she got on the phone talkin to her friend talkin about how she had sex with two different ppl in the same day and one of the ppl said she taste like somone elses sperm and she let him keep tasteing it anyway ..and she says all of this while shes sitting right beside me .. and she already know i had a problem about her past long time ago so why would u say sommin like that when im next to u .. now that convo brought up all the things i use the think about and i imajine her having sex with somone else. now to me if u have sex with two diff. ppl in the same day and be laughing and proud of it says to me that u're a hoe // and she says its before me and it should'nt matter cuz she married me but this happened the same year she meet me .. so now im thinking it's nothing for her to do it to me if she can do that to somone else that she even had a baby by ..so how am i sopposed da get over it if she just gonna bring it in my face ..i belive a girls past tells her morals or who she is and what she stands for .. i feel like everyone should have a right to know .. because the same thing could happen to u to .
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (27 March 2010):
 "I can't help but feel that she had real enjoyable sex with him and now she is just going through the motions with me and the more i think about what they done the worse it gets in my head."
If you let yourself have that thought it is just going to get worse and worse. There's no magic solution that you can think yourself towards if you just keep thinking about it. Rather you'll just get more and more negative, and do more and more damage to your relationship. You have to let go of that thought.
No two people are the same. No two situations can be directly compared. I'm sure your wife did have good sexual experiences with her ex. And I'm sure she has had them with you too. You just have to decide if you want to let that go. Give it up. And if you do... that's the first step out.
Make the conscious decision that this doesn't matter to you. Then when you find yourself starting to dwell on it, think about something else. Something you like, and that has nothing to do with your wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right that it does play on the mind and the more you ask the worse it gets. It all started about four years ago when we were on a night out and for some reason i asked if she had had anyone "big",her reply was "yeah one and he was massive" she had had a few drinks aswell so thats probably why she answered like that. I think alot of it now is because of jealousy towards her long term boyfriend and the things they done. The things that really bother me are the fact she told me that i was the first to cum inside her without a condom and apparantly that is not true as she has now said he had done it with her. The other thing is that she said she used to give him alot of oral sex and i hardly get any from her and if i do it isn't for long as she starts saying her jaw is hurting,she claims she used to do it alot with him because he forced her to do it. I know as we have three kids it is hard for her but i can't help but feel that she had real enjoyable sex with him and now she is just going through the motions with me and the more i think about what they done the worse it gets in my head....
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reader, Yos +, writes (25 March 2010):
You're obsessing over this. Thinking about the same things over and over, and making yourself jealous and upset about it. Then damaging your relationship because of your jealous behaviour: eg asking too many questions and not trusting her answers. This is self destructive behaviour.
The first thing you need to decide: do you want this problem to go away?
If you do, then what you have to do is... stop obsessing over it. Stop thinking about it, in other words.
Sounds easy, but is really difficult. But it's possible.
Different people find different ways to let go of the images, thoughts and feelings. I can tell you they way I found:
I realised that my feelings about it, and my thoughts about it, are separate things. The thought follows the feeling: the feeling being a sudden surge of jealousy, anger and insecurity. Then your brain kicks in and starts to think about it: asking yourself questions, going on a wild goose chase to nowhere. As long as that mental journey continues, you'll continue to trigger more jealousy and pain. It's a vicious circle: feeling leading to thought leading to more feeling leading to more thought and so on. You have to break the chain.
Next time the feelings hit, try distracting yourself immediately with something else. Don't give in to the temptation to dwell on them: to 'understand' them. Rather just accept the feelings, accept you feel bad, but occupy your mind with something else. Something that takes all your focus.
You'll probably find that the thoughts keep flooding into your head anyway. Just push them out and get back to the thing you're focussing on.
What I found is that, whilst the initial feelings were bad, because I was changing the subject in my head, they didn't stay around nearly so long. Rather than triggering more jealousy, instead the feelings would subside because I wasn't feeding them.
It gets easier over time. And with that, your fear of them gets less. I used to panic when I felt them coming because I knew I couldn't cope with them. But once I was confident that (most of the time at least) I could distract myself, they lost their hold over me. They still felt bad, but they would come and go quickly. Each time a bit faster, and a bit less painful.
I had setbacks of course. Just when I thought it was going really well, I'd have a really bad episode. But I persisted and over time it gradually became just an annoyance, not an obsession. Something that was momentary and not meaningful.
Like I said, different people find their own ways. But this is the way I found that worked for me. It took a long time, but then I had it really really bad for a while.
One other thing: on the details of your wife's past, I'm going to quote something I wrote previously about memory, it's from the link near the bottom of this thread:
"It's also important to understand that a woman will see the significance and meaning of this in a different way to a man. A guy can see this as very very important, and have a black and white view on it. It's like something you either pass or fail. You're either a madonna or a whore, with nothing possible inbetween. Whereas a woman will be much less 'factual' about it and see it more from an emotional point of view. Shades of grey rather than just black and white. This makes the lie not really a lie, since it is can be emotionally true even if it is factually not. So when your wife said 'no I wouldn't do that' she could have honestly meant that, even if in the past she was different. It's hard to explain, other than to say women's minds work very differently from men in this area. From an emotional point of view the idea of 'absolute truth' doesn't mean very much, and context, timing and nuance mean everything.
This is one of the reasons why interrogation can be so destructive in this situation. You'll undoubtedly find many inconsistencies if you keep digging. A guy will focus on 'facts': times, people, names, numbers, actions, whereas a woman will focus on 'feelings': how she felt at the time, what she was looking for, how she has grown and changed since. The 'facts' that a guy will typically be looking at are just not the focus for a woman, and hence you'll find they come out differently each time, or things are 'missed' or not mentioned. It's not because you're being deliberately mislead, but rather because perspectives on what is important are different."
Stop asking the questions, in other words. They're only destructive. And understand that your wife's memory is different from your own, and does not work in the same way.
Best of luck to you
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are spot on about how it is best not to know about your partners past. Altough i know my wife loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me it does play on my mind what she got upto with her ex boyfriends and like you i just can't stop thinking about it sometimes. I now believe she only slept with three other men but there is one of them i am very jealous of,she was very close to getting engaged to him and she done certain things with him which she had originally told me i was the first to do with her. I know it is all a bit silly as she split up with him 15 years ago when he cheated on her but i know she had very strong feelings for him...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): I like the answer that the Anonymous poser on Feb 8th posted about fuzzy memories. I think it's true. I have the same issue with my wife. I strongly recommend to all who are in a new relationship or an old one to not ask for specific numbers or details. If your wife wants to tell you, simply respond: " I don't need to know, that was the past and we are together now." She may want to tell you to for many reasons, but if you get the hint that she is not a virgin and can smoothly convince her to not tell you that is the best way to go.
My wife told me details once and that is when the torment started. Suddenly my past was nothing compared to hers. I felt as if I had not "sowed my oats" all of the sudden because I had been with only 1 previous partner for a short term relationship. It stems from our own insecurities. Everything was fine up until then. We are still together but at least once a week the images hit me and this is after many years together. The best thing to do is find out if she can get tested or if there is a need to get tested. Don't ask for numbers. I beg of you to not. I thought that finding out more would help me cope but then it became an obsession and now I know too much for my own good. Now there are places that I associate with anger because I know she lived there with some of her past boyfriends. Even some old friends manage to trigger a retroactive jeoulosy response. It sucks but I am dealing with it. I just think about all the years I have been with her and I have been with her longer than anyone else. I may not have been her first or second or... but I am the last one. I am the one she married and the one who has provided her with a wonderful home, nice cars, great kids, pets, and allowed her to fulfill her professional dreams. The other chumps did not succeed in that. Just think about what you have given her and unless you haven't done anything for her then it helps to know you are the best man for her. As a result, she will enjoy making love to you more than the other fools.
God bless my brothers!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): Look, none of us will ever know if our partners have told us the truth. My wife told me that she slept with 10 guys between her first husband and me and to not think that she lied if she remembers one or two more later on. Did she tell me the truth about her number? I don't know. If she had slept with 30 I wouldn't know the difference. What if she slept with 10, but screwed another 10, but they left before they fell asleep. She wouldn't have lied to me about sleeping with 10. At some point we have to believe what our partners have told us. I chose to believe her.
There will always be things that we don't know about our partners. There will be things that we are ashamed of and have never told our partner. Is that a lie of omission? I suppose that it is. As long as it was not criminal and the person has never done whatever to us then so what.
Us guys who have troubles with our partners sexual past stem from our insecurities. Yes, some of it stems from our morals or the way that we were brought up, but it is mostly because we are afraid that those other guys were better than us and that she might rather be having sex with one of them. We might be jealous that we never had the chance to screw a lot of women. It might also have to do with honesty and my wife being honest is very important to me. She knew that and that is one reason that I think that she told me the truth. Do you have any real reason to suspect that your wife has not been truthful with you? I don't mean telling a slightly different story from week to week or forgetting exactly what she said last week or last year. I mean a real reason, like hearing her talk to an old female friend about how they used to screw any guy who tried to pick them up in college or having sex with a different guy every night during spring break. Some real reason to believe that she has lied to you.
So she was not shy as far as having sex with you. Well, neither was my wife. She wanted to sleep with me on our first date, but I didn't try until the second date. So would you feel better if she had made you wait 6 months and to find out that she had slept with the other 3 on the second date? I doubt it. If she would tell you that she had actually slept with 10 guys, how would you feel? Would you be happy that she finally told you the truth or would you be even more bothered by that revelation? Just in case she didn't tell you the truth, make sure that you really want to know the entire truth before you push her to giving it to you.
I know how you feel. I had a lot of trouble getting over how easy my wife was in sleeping with guys who she had just met. That was not the type of woman that I wanted for a wife. However, I had to make the decision if I wanted a woman who was not as promiscuous or to admit that that fault was minor relative to all the good things about her. That is what you have to do. think of all the good things about your wife and your marriage. Would 3 guys or 10 guys make your marriage any different? I doubt it.
You have tot face this as your problem right now. Unless your wife has given you a real reason to think that she lied then you have to just believe her. I can't think of anything else to tell you about this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLike i have said before i just think she is lying about everything. I don't beleive she has only slept with 3 other men,the reason for that is the 3 who she said she slept with she went out with when she was at school. She claims she went back out with them again when she was older but to me something just doesn't seem to add up. She also slept with me after just a week so she was certainly not shy when it come to sex. I only want to know the truth as i beleive everyone has a right to know how many people their partners have slept with....
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2010): Another thing is that she might take a guess about what she did, based on a vague remembrance and then forget what she guessed the next day. If you press her enough for an answer, it is natural that she might guess at it. I know that my wife and I have both done that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): She changes what she says because she doesn't remember it very well. IT WAS OVER 14 YEARS AGO! I often remember something from years ago and then forget it again the next day. My wife does the same. She told me things years ago that I still remember, but that she has forgotten. When things are not that clear then you remember them differently at times. It doesn't mean that someone is lying.
As the years pass, things become fuzzier in our minds. The old stuff is pushed out to make room for the new things. The things that were not that important are the first to go or to be vaguely remembered. People might also try to forget those things that they don't like. When the remembrance is not clear then it can change from day to day. When my wife and I were discussing our pasts a couple of years ago, both of us would remember something and then forget what it was the next day. It happens.
If you don't want to be bothered by a changing story then don't keep asking. If you want to ask and hear what happened then make sure that you are OK with changes. What are the types of changes? If yesterday it was 10 previous partners and today it is 20 then that is hard to believe. If yesterday it was "Dave and I had sex on the picnic table." and today it is "Fred and I had sex on the picnic table." then don't worry about it. She probably didn't care a damn about either one of them. I clearly remember very few nights with the women that I had sex with and it was only 5 of them. I don't even remember a lot about what I did years ago with my wife. We sometimes talk about our sex life and dating life from years ago and can't remember exactly what happened. My wife had a certain remembrance of our first night in bed and the events leading up to it were completely wrong. I started to remember how it happened and she then thought about it and realized that how she remembered it could not have happened and thought that my recollection must be correct.
She also remembers things like that about other guys she was with. She remembers something that happened with someone and then the next day realizes that it could not be correct and remembers something else. Little details are very difficult to remember correctly, especially if they were not that important to the person. It was not important to my wife where she got screwed by someone or exactly how they met or whose house they went back to or anything like that. Things that were not unusual are not remembered. I remember things about the first night in bed with someone if it was really special, and then only the parts that were special. My wife remembers that one guy had about an 8 inch penis and one was really small, but has no remembrance what all the others were. I remember how one woman was all over me right after getting home from our first date and how great of a kisser she was, but don't remember the sex that night at all. These are just examples to help you understand what memories are really like. Sorry for so much detail, but perhaps these details will help you understand that it is the same for other people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand she married me but for some reason i'm just really interested in her past,who she slept with and what they done. My main problem is that when she does talk about it it always changes and what she says one day is different to the next. When i tell her that she gets all stroppy and says that she can't remember what she done.. I think because of the differences in what she says just makes me worse and makes me ask her stuff more and more..
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Calico58, I do think that it is a good idea not to ask and that is why I have never asked any woman who I dated about her past. However, 3 of my sexual partners told me without asking. These are my first wife, my current wife (2nd) and another woman who I dated. With my first wife, it was pretty simple and the discussion took only a few minutes. With my current wife, it was much more complex and I had a bunch of questions after she told me about each guy, but she was the one who started the conversation. The other woman would tell me in bits and pieces, a little more on each date, but I never asked her any questions or asked for details.
I fully expected my current wife to have had a few sexual partners, but the part that shocked and bothered me was that she slept with everyone of them on the first date or the night that she met them and had a couple of 1 night stands. I had casually known her for years and she never seemed that easy or promiscuous. She seemed pretty much the opposite and really was pretty much the opposite. Both my first and current wives had to tell me because they were ashamed or personally bothered by their past behaviors. I believe that a lot of women want to tell someone who they like when they have a past that they are not proud of. My wife tells me that I was the first guy who she ever told about her past. I guess that the reason that I didn't care about what that other women had done was because I wasn't falling for her like I was for my wife very early in our relationship. Guys just don't care about a woman's past if they are not thinking of them as long term partners or haven't started to fall for them yet. At least I never did.
By the way, my post to the anon you was not clear. The links were meant for the OP, although I think the discussions are good ones for anyone to read.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): Quote from anon poster: "i have had quite alot of experience and he hasnt had any and it torments him. i have a rule, i never ask a man about his past because the fact of the matter is that its all in his past , i dont want to know and couldnt handle the truth so therefore i dont ask ."
Perhaps the reason that you don't want to know or it doesn't matter is because you had all the sexual and/or relationship experience that you wanted. In general, I believe that people who have done what they wanted to do or have had more experience than their partner aren't bothered by their partners past.
Take a look at this question:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
and this article and discussion:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/male-vs-female-a-debate-on-the-male.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): Get a grip on yourself man! does it really matter? you are her husband now and if you keep pestering her shemay end up thinking you are some kind of weirdo.
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female
reader, silversprings +, writes (26 January 2010):
You should seek counseling this is deeper than what you think it is. When that amount of timehas gone by and you still cannot stop obsessing about the others before you then its time to seek professional help to help you stop . You have failed to be able to stopon your own,i commend you for knowing that you need to get over it butsometimes we dont see that the "thing" we are obsessing about has such a strong hold upon us cause its a safety clause, it keeps us from having to move up and past it for fear of other things. could be wise to even tell your spouse that you really DO want to stop asking her but you just cant seem to stop on your own , ask if she would support going to counseling together. You can create your own sexual excitement by doing things that are new and fun and a turn on then you can keep going back to those memories rather than the second hand story or memory of somebody elses experience. hope this helps
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies and alot of what has been said does make sense. I think the main thing is i can't handle that she has got a past as where i haven't. I will try to stop asking her stuff as i don't want this to ruin our relationship and i may even consider counselling to sort out the problem....
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male
reader, pyan  +, writes (26 January 2010):
hi
whats in the past is in the past and i understand where you are coming from when you say sometimes it turns you on. i too have a partner that has been married before and during that marrage had 2 affers. over time she told me about them and once i went to do somting to her with a banana thinking it was new, but she said she had done it before wheen i asked with who it was with her lover. so like i said leave it behind you both, if you like to use it as a turn on talk to her about it as i expect she gets the shits when she is not turned on. i know my partner know it turns me on so there is a time and place for it. pm if you like and we can discuss further
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (26 January 2010):
 Hun, to be honest it sounds like you just dont trust your wife! Your wife is obviously growing weary of you constantly nagging her for details, and this is going to get to a point where you are going to have major problems in your relationship.
You need to live in the present not the past and what is done cannot be undone.
This woman loves you and is at the moment putting up with you, sorry to say but you are the problem and a couple of visits to a counsellor will help you come to terms with the past.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): Hello i think your obsession with your wifes past stems from your regret that you settled young and dont have a past of your own. Youre sexual excitement is based on jealousy and thats why you look/wait for inconsistencies...so you can pounce and start a fight. The game you are playing isnt fair on your wife. Shes told you she doesnt like talking about it. Putting her through this 3rd degree for your cat&mouse entertainment will damage your marriage. You are creating a problem, where one shouldnt exist. Seek counselling because your behaviour is unreasonable and you need to get this obsession under control. All the best
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): Simple. Don't ask her anymore. I know it's hard because your mind just goes crazy but don't. Force yourself to not ask because you know it will cause you two to fight and that's not good for your marriage. Is it worth knowing if it'll ruin your marriage?
She wasn't so much lying as much as she was probably embarrased she did that. Women often to dumb things they regret when they are lonely. She was probably embarrased to mention it before. Now she trusts you enough to be totally honest with you and you get mad at her for telling you. This will only make her not want to tell you anything.
Focus on how she is now with you. Who cares about her past? She's probably not asking you details about what you and the other women you were with did. Why? Because it would probably make her mad too. So she doesn't ask. Niether should you.
I used to do this with my fiancé until I realized it was more hurtful than helpful. When I find myself wondering I force myself to do other things.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 January 2010):
You have to realize that the woman you married is like she is now because of her past. You love this woman, because her past made her who she is. You might need to go and see a counsellor, because the more you do this, the more likely it is your wife will feel undermined and unwanted and then go on to leave you. She loves you,, she married you because she wanted to be with you and that's all that matters.
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