A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I'm new to the forum so not sure whether this is the right place. Hope so! I'm currently a student and feeling pretty low at the moment. I'm a 19yr guy and bisexual. Even though I feel "safe" behind a computer screen it feels hard to even write that. Whenever I begin to except that I'm bisexual I just feel I'm letting everyone down. My family are always going on about my future family. What "my children" and "wife" are going to look like. I wouldn't say my family are homophobic but they would be distraught if I came out gay. It kills me inside and I'm not sure I can live though this nor ever except this. It's just so hard, and feel so alone. I know this might not be the right place to talk about this. Sorry. The situation gets worse though. I've fallen in love with my straight friend. My best friend in fact. It's got to point where I'm obsessed. I always want to know what he's doing, where he is. I get upset when he doesn't text me back. It's horrible and feel so guilty. It's not fair on him. Although we are both very close I do put more into the relationship. Maybe 60:40. We are close. We hug and I have kissed him on the lips on several occasions. Slept in the same bed in just boxers (not sex), cried together. All that, but of course, to him it's just us two guys messing around showing our friendship. Inside I do enjoy this, but at the same time I feel so guilty that I'm lying to him. I'm worried that if he knew I had such feelings he would just avoid me. He's basically what keeps me going, but at the same time, gets me down to. I feel down when he socialises with other friends. He's very much into football and I'm not your typical "lad" so I feel isolated from his other friends. I make him feel guilty alot. One example is he kissed and got very close with another close female friend of ours on a night out. I was distraught. I couldn't sleep for days. It was almost as if I was wishing he was gay up till that point cause this was the first girl he's got with essentially. I went to his in the morning and made him feel so guilty. He kept apologising. That's so wrong though, cause he's doing what a human does. He deserves so much better than me. I'm almost holding him back. I've even cut contact with the female friend. I hate her now which is so wrong. Basically I'm obsessed with him. I need a way to get him out my head. I have a lot of other friends, but I always just want to be with him. I've even tried to mirror his hobbies. Starting playing football. Changing my music taste. It's not me and my parents find this weird , but I just argue I want to fit in more. I'm a medic so it's a demanding course and although I'm coping fine I don't think it helps. He's on the same course but we aren't living together. I was upset about this but I'm with him most of the day. He does say I'm his best friend but I feel sometimes it's just to make me feel better. Another awful thing iv'e done is basically essentially become involved with a girl. She says shes in love with me, but I keep stalling. I'm worred that when it comes to sex I wouldn't be able to follow through. I suppose I'm "more" gay if that's even possible. Sometimes I wonder if its just denial that makes me label myself bi. I wish everything was fine. I'm not bashing gays in any way, sorry if it seems like this. I'm just worried what it would be like if people knew. I'm not a horrible person. Sorry if I sound like I am. I'm constantly looking out for others. How can I get rid of this obsession? My mum says she couldn't go on if she lost any of us kids (children). She suffers from her nerves as well and is on medication. She knows I get depressed but not the "real" reason why. Don't think I want to go to the doctors. Feel as though I'm just wasting there time. ahh its horrible. I'm going round in circles. Sorry it's soo long. Feels nice to write about it. No one knows I'm suffering so at least its a start towards getting better! :) Thanks for reading and any help would be great.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): I understand from where you are coming! I fell in love with my best friend, but it turned out she was bi as well, so it worked out for a while. I still love her though we both moved on. However, I have never told my family as they are all conservative, ultra-christian, on the verge of gay-bashing. I am almost 35 and am thinking I may come out to them... here's the thing... if a relationship is not helping you become a better person, if it's bringing out the worst in you, be honest, and if it's still bringing out the worst in you, get some distance...serious separation! It sucks to have all the conflicting emotions on top of beating yourself up for not being the person you thought you were and not acting according to your beliefs... both in terms of how you are treating your fiend, with the guilt, as well as who you are sexually.
A
male
reader, der_zyniker  +, writes (29 September 2010):
Ok. I am a gay man, and I recently went through something similar to what you did. I fell for one of my friends. I ended up telling him and he avoided me for the longest time. As a matter of fact he is still avoiding me, but I think that he avoided me more because I kept going to him about the depression that the situation was causing. I would tell him how you feel about him and if he's not gay then just leave it alone. As far as your obsession, that will pass, but it will take time. If you really are depressed you need to go to get some help for that. I didn't and I regret it. When it comes to telling your family, when the time is right for you to tell them you'll know.
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A
female
reader, lovebird1  +, writes (28 September 2010):
Hi dear anonymous,Wow- your story sounds soo much like mine. I'm a bisexual woman.. but I've been suffering a lot through that. I also fell in love with my best (girl)friend once, and suffered so much. The closeness and desire, the hiding, the growing obsession and the feelings of guilt and shame. I wasn't "out" at that time and it made all even worse. I had no one to talk to, cause the only one I really trusted was her. Now, I'm older, and all of my friends and family know I'm a bisexual, and after some time of irritation my parents accepted it (I'm not saying they're pleased or excited about it.. but they still love me). You know, today I wish I had been honest to her and told her that I love her. I never did. I was a coward. Afraid to lose her. But losing her would also have meant I'd have been free of all those hopes and illusions and could have gone on with my life earlier. So maybe you should give it a try.You can also write me a message if you like to talk more about it. Big hug,lovebird
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (28 September 2010):
 OMG! I was in your exact situation when I was your age. I was devastated when my bf actually had a crush on a girl. It was even worse when he eventually got married (not to his crush but a different girl) - though I eventually adjusted to that. He told me at one point that he loved me, but that he would never be my lover. Which I took to mean that he 'knew' I was gay. It probably helped that he moved away... and went to a different school but it was really hard on me - and I suspect on him to a certain extent and for different reasons. We are STILL very close friends and his kids call me 'uncle' though I'm not related to them.
At 19, I realized I was gay but didn't tell a sole. Basically for similar reasons to yours. Conservative family, small town, etc. I never came out to anyone until I was almost 30.
It sounds, like you might indeed be more gay than you are willing to accept... and I would caution against getting too heavily involved with women... until you are absolutely sure that you are not entirely gay.
If your bf is indeed totally straight - which it sounds like he is - then you need to find someway to distance yourself or at least stop the destructive behavior (making him feel guilty, etc). Although given your schooling situation that sounds difficult. It sounds like you two are really close.
I would almost venture that if you told him you are gay, he probably would say 'I know'. Then you could work out the whole 'crush' issue with him... but only YOU know whether you can confide in him on this level. If you can't then you'll just have to bury your true feelings - that's if you want to keep him as a really really good/best friend.
The only way you can truly get over this... is if you find someone else to fall in love with. I know that sounds very simplistic... but that's basically the only way. Try some on-line resources; gay.com for example. It's not just a hookup site... and you'll probably find that there are more guys around you than you are really aware of.
Good luck.
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