A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Heres the deal.. i am married and obsessed with a different man i barely know think of him all the time Is there something wrong with my marriage? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, crusoe1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
this is way too late for the original poster but maybe it will benefit someone who happens along like I just did. The poster who answered something about" didnt see emotional infidelity in my vows" is an idiot.
If you wouldn't act, do, say, wear,text, email, talk a certain way or [fill in the blank] if your spouse were standing there then it is wrong and you know it! I'm not judging but I am giving you the litmus test for your actions.
If you would NOT want them to see or hear what you are doing, regardless of whether there is a physical relationship, then you should NOT do it. Simple.... try applying it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): I think this "obsession" may be the start of a slippery slope for you if you are not careful in how you respond to it. I suspect there is something wrong with your marriage if you are obssessing about another guy - that alone certainly can't be helping with things between you and hubby...as the other guys looks more and more attractive and you emphasise all his good traits...you're bound to see only negative things about your man!
This is the first step to cheating...it's just a crush now but it has started you on a path of thinking about another, what will be the next step? An "innocent" coffee one day?? A flirtatious chat at the photocopier? Then where? I truly believe you are at risk of "seizing an opportunity to cheat"...whether it be with this current crush or some other guy in the future. You need to address your own thoughts/feelings and your marriage NOW....like someone said - you have options.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): I would say there is something very wrong with the marriage, at least more you at the moment.
If he is happy and your not, then you need to ask yourself why and communicate that to your spouse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): First of all, you are not alone. I am in a similar situation, and I know several other women who've experienced this too. I do think that it's an indication something isn't quite right within the marriage, but I don't think it's unsaveable. Ask yourself what it is that attracts you to the man on your mind--is it something that your husband used to have/do/be and doesn't/isn't anymore? Or something that your husband never had/did/was and that you've suddenly realized is part of the attraction package for you?For me, it was a combination of the confidence that my husband has never had, and the personal-grooming efforts that have kind of been lost along the road to married maturity (we've been together twelve years). All I can really do is work on my own confidence and grooming--which benefits my husband, right?--and try to communicate with my husband about what isn't working for me.I don't know what particular attraction the man on your mind has for you, but it does probably have to do with something that's missing in your marriage--after all, if you could get whatever it is (an ego boost, a listening ear, sexual chemistry, romantic attention, etc.) from your husband instead, you probably would.In any case, you only have four choices: to stay with your husband and try to work on whatever's missing, to leave your husband and pursue fulfillment outside of marriage, to talk to your husband about what's on your mind and possibly consider an open relationship, or to have an affair. I'm not recommending an affair, and only you can know whether an open relationship (google "polyamory") is something that could work for you and your husband. In terms of whether to stay in the marriage or walk away, it pretty much depends on whether you still love your husband, whether he's worth staying with, whether you see yourself still with him in twenty years.Above all, don't let anyone make you feel badly for your emotions and being attracted to the man on your mind. Positive feelings (admiration, attraction, excitement, love, caring, appreciation, chemistry) are never wrong as long as no one is being hurt (i.e. no actual cheating is going on). It's fashionable to talk about "emotional infidelity" right now, but I never saw anything about that in my wedding vows, and the positive benefits of positive feelings are good for everyone. My husband gets a happier, prettier, more loving wife at home after I've had an email from my crush or run into him at the Starbucks--how can that be bad?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!!!! i think every woman fantasizes about being with another man, but if you really think about it would you really want to be with any other man except for your husband? probably not, so thinking about another man is ok its just a "crush" as long as you dont act on the thought your golden.
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (20 May 2008):
 Probably. A little passing crush is normal, but an obsession is never normal. It won't do anything good for your bond with your husband, anyway. A slight infatuation with another person can invigorate a marriage with fresh sexual energy. An obsession with another person is distracting and damaging to the bond... it's one thing to look at someone and think "he's cute, bet he'd be good for a quick shag" and quite another to think about them all the time. Perhaps, like most people eventually, you are at a point in your relationship where you are curious about others and craving variety. The solution to this is not to go outside of the marriage for variety, but to infuse your relationship with it. Try new activities, go to new restaurants, go on a romantic vacation, try something kinky in the bedroom, do things you don't normally do together... you might find that you discover new sides of your husband and it will refocus your attention to your marriage instead of this other bloke.If you've lost interest in your husband completely... doesn't bode well for your future together.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (20 May 2008):
 I think that you have got to stop this obsession with this guy and consentrate on your current marriage. Only you know if your marriage is working, so its hard to say from what you have mentioned if there is something wrong with it. Just try your best to put these feelings behind you and move on with your life, after all you barely know this guy anyway, for all you know he could be a complete jerk.
Good luck x
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