A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i'm very happy with my boyfriend but there is one thing that always causes problems between us- his sex drive is a lot higher than mine and i feel as though it is coming between us. my boyfriend of 2 years is lovely, hes thoughtful, caring and committed to me and would never cheat and finds me hugely attractive- but that's the problem. i can manage without sex and if i'm tired its the last thing on my mind. but for him sex is hugely important. We had an argument over it yesterday- i'd had a very long day and we'd been traveling. when we got to the hotel we went out again in the evening. I was glad to get to bed. When i got into bed he asked me if i was going to sleep. i answered yes. he said ok, night. but i soon realised he was sat there in silence. i asked him if he was annoyed at me and he said no but hed expected that we'd have sex. i asked him why, and he said i'd mentioned something about a dirty weekend FOUR DAYS AGO, so he'd assumed we were having sex and then i said no.this is what hes like. if i make a comment about sex, it's like some kind of contract for him. then when i "go back" on it, hes disappointed, annoyed and i feel like ive let him down and i get angry because i know hes wrong to make me feel like this, and he gets upset because he knows hes wrong too. i feel like he expects sex all the time. if we cuddle or kiss, hes instantly excited and ready for sex and i feel like i'm under pressure and for me there is no bigger turn off. he says that 4 or 5 times a week is enough for him, whereas 3 is enough for me, but its his attitude towards it. i know he wants it and i feel pressured. We talk about it a lot and he knows that its unreasonable to expect sex whenever we share the same bed, but he says he cant help feeling turned on. Although i appreciate that he finds me attractive i sometimes feel harrassed- if i change my shirt in front of him, he'll come up and start touching my breasts, if i'm in the shower, he'll come in and watch me, if i bend over to put the laundry on, he'll be feeling my butt and i feel like a sex object sometimes, then when i say "leave me alone!" he gets offended, as if i don't want him to touch me. he says he understands how i feel but he says i turn him on and he cant help his sex drive. but the more i feel harrassed by him, the more i want to be left alone. How can we get around this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): I completely disagree with what the person beneath said. I have a similar prob with my bf though he's not quite as pushy as yours seems to be. I think you have to explain it's a physiological thing you having a lower sex drive and that he shouldn't take it so personally. If he respects you he should back off when you're not in the mood. Advise that he masturbates if it will relieve some of his tension. Diet can attect sex drive, maybe you should try to make your diets more similar to get a more similar drive?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): What do you expect him to do!?
If you don't want sex then don't mention or allude to it. I have a high sex drive and yes any mention of it gets me excited. It's only natural with anything you're excited about that dissapointment is felt when it doesn't happen. I think most people would think sex was involved when dirty weekened was mentioned, so why did you mention it?
You said... "then when i say "leave me alone!" he gets offended, as if i don't want him to touch me..." WELL GUESS WHAT it sounds like you don't want him to touch you as that is what you're complaining about.
Carry on like you are and you will break his spirit. He has a high sex drive which probably means he's a healthy man who loves you and finds you attractive. Now he gets punished for it, and gets punished for his faithfulness.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (20 May 2008):
 My god youre dating my ex husband!!! Ok now to be serious. It is hard when its like this and the only way I could explain to him was that if he stopped pressuring me I might actually feel more like making the first move. Sometimes its nice to be just cuddled without it being a sign that we want sex, if I didnt wear pants to bed my ex assumed it meant i wanted it. He would say to me at 5am when he went to work, 'youre having it tonight' I would find any excuse under the sun to avoid it as it was so planned and cold. Sit him down and have a chat and ask him to leave you alone and see what happens. Another tip is to compromise by giving him a hand/blow job instead of going the whole way if youre not up to it but he is. The funny thing is when I left him I went the other way and if a man was in my bed i wanted him every night, rejection is horrible so although he seems to be selfish it will hurt him but you need to find a compromise together to resolve this x x x
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