A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years now. We started dating when we were 18 years old. We've now been engaged for about 2 years. Recently, we set our wedding date... March of next year. My problem is this: I've always had fleeting feelings of doubt about whether he's the right one for me... but now that we set a date I just feel so confused about whether I'm making a big mistake or not. Every single day I look at him and wonder about whether I can spend my whole life with him. I love him deeply as a person.. but after being together for so long.. and living together for the past 6 years.. and having started dating at so young an age.. we have the normal issues that long-time married people have. I don't feel excited anymore in our relationship. Sex has gotten very boring. I have deep desires to date again and I think a lot about other people. Things have definitely cooled off and more often than not I'm just sort of irritated with him and I find myself resenting how he acts and how immature he can seem sometimes. I think part of the problem may be that we met so young and each of us has never lived on our own etc. Sigh. I love him a lot.. he's such a compassionate understanding person.. but on the same hand I don't feel physically attracted to him anymore, a lot of things about him annoy me, and sometimes I even feel embarrassed to be associated with him when we're hanging out with other people. There are more complicated issues too: I love his family but his brother has serious anger management issues. We lived with him for a while and on more occasions I can count he tried to (and a few times successfully) beat upmy boyfriend. He doesn't live with us anymore but I've found out that the brother is now telling people that *I* was physically abusive to the brother (i.e. I broke his nose at some point). Just to be completely clear, I have never hit anyone in my life, so the story is 100% false. My point in telling this being that I'm not sure whether I want to be associated with this person for the rest of my life... he'll be my children's uncle. This makes me feel very uncomfortable.There's ten million other things I'm worried about and that make me feel like I have no idea what to do. The idea of getting married when I have so many bad feelings just makes me feel horrible. I don't want to feel like I'm lying when I take my vows. On the other hand I know that I would literally rip his heart out if I broke up with him. He would be shattered. My parents would be disappointed. I don't know what to do. I'm at a total loss. I'm having a lot of strange feelings. I'm very depressed. Any help would be much appreciated. Thank you in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): I am in your same boat... If you want to talk about it, let me know... I would love to have someone to talk to.
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (18 August 2009):
 If you're having doubts of this magnitude, you really need to separate and stop the marriage. How do you deal with the backlash from friends and family and his hurt? Well... you tell the truth, explain your doubts and let everyone know that he deserves a wife who is happy whole and committed. And you need some time to make sure that person is you.You're not doing anyone any favors by shoving away your concerns... they don't go away, instead they come back later bigger darker and much more damaging. After you separate get into some counseling and learn more about yourself before you consider returning to him or moving on. The real problem is that you don't know, love and understand yourself well enough to give to someone else.If the two of you cannot be honest with each other now and work past these legitimate fears... you're already doomed anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): Poster again.
Thanks q1605.. what you said made a lot of sense. I do have to say I'm kind of shocked that everyone agrees that I should just move on.
If that is what I decide, and honestly I still don't know, how do I even go about doing it? How do I tell him, my best friend and partner for 7 years, that I feel like I need to separate, to live on my own for a while, and that I may not ever come back to him? How do I tell my parents (who were ecstatic that I'm getting married.. and who have little idea of my doubts) that I had a change of heart?
I feel so sad about all of this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): Poster here again.. To LonelyTwo:
Again, I have talked.. at length.. to my fiancee about all of this. We've spent many hours discussing the feelings I have and his response is really just that he has confidence in our relationship and doesn't want me to go, he thinks that whatever I feel, we can work it out together. So, as you can see, he's a really good guy. To respond to another part of your post: It's not as if I am suddenly having all these doubts. As I said in my first post, I have had some feelings of doubt all along.. and have talked to him about those too.. but we don't really know what to do. It's all up to me, I guess, and I'm totally lost. I've gotten to know him as a person all around at this point. We're extremely close.. like attached at the hip. But there's still parts of my life that feel unfulfilled. I've been in relationships straight since I was 16. I've never been single as an adult. I've never lived on my own... and neither has he. The immaturity issues I touched on in my first post have to do with this. He doesn't know how to deal with finances. I support us for the most part. I just feel like I'm 25, time is slipping by me but I'm still young yet I feel like I've already been married for 7 years. He's a really great guy and I obviously love him.. but is this it? If I stay with him do I end up feeling unfulfilled my whole life? If I leave I might mess up a really good thing. I guess my problem is that I have no perspective. I don't know if this is puppy love or true love because I've hardly even dated anyone else in my life.
Thanks again for everyone's input.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): Poster here. In response to deaf guy..Thanks for your input however I feel like I need to elaborate a little more. I do believe I've been honest with him. In the past whenever I've had my doubts I've been pretty good at letting him know. More recently I've gone even deeper into things with him, explaining how terrible I feel and how I don't know if I want to get married. I've tried to tell him all the things that bother me.. but at a point I start to feel like I'm just rattling off a list of shortcomings he has and I don't feel like that's very nice. Anyway, there's only so much he can understand since he doesn't share the same feelings I have. He is totally confident in his love for me.. which makes this decision that much harder!
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A
male
reader, deafguy  +, writes (17 August 2009):
Why not drop the date of the marriage and break off this relationship.
It seems that you have not been honest with him how you feel and I think you would have a better life if you are not married.
Marriage is long life commitment.
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