A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I've been feeling so unsettled since I married two years ago. Didn't live together b4 and now some things annoy me terribly. He drinks every day. I didn't realise how anxious I'd be about this. He's the kind of guy who can't have a few so I worry how many a night will be consumed. It's usually 3 but maybe 2 nights a week he'll drink til he gets drunk. I knew he was a social smoker but never realised til we married that he smokes in the evening. Though I think since he moved out home his smoking has got worse and not the case of me failing to notice. I guess now he thinks we married he can do what he likes and I've no choice. It has ruined our intimacy as I don't want to be close to him. It's not that I don't love him, I just can't tolerate these habits. His social life involves both whilst it doesn't interest me. I question myself everyday why did we marry, we not on same wavelength but it didn't become apparent to me how different we are til we married and lived together. I'm now insecure about my marriage lasting Tried talking to him but he just does his own thing. Any advice appreciated.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 November 2013):
I suppose ultimately the question that you need to ask yourself, is if he continues this way, will you want to be married to him? Because, in the end, that's what this is going to come down to.
The time has come for you to sit down with him and be honest: tell him that you are worried about the drinking and smoking, and tell him that it is directly affecting your relationship and he has to curb this behaviour. He will then either change his habits, or he won't, and you'll know where you ultimately stand.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): I don't think I would Not tolerate this much drinking and smoking. I hate with passion when people reek of tobacco, and drinking like this is a huge turn off for me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 November 2013):
 When did all this start to bother you? What ELSE has changed? On your end maybe?
It's been 2 YEARS of marriage and NOW it's bothering you? Or has his smoking/drinking escalated?
Have you talked about it?
Ask him to not smoke at home (he can go outside) my husband ALWAYS did, and he JUST recently quit. I never wanted secondhand smoke for me or the kids.
It seems like whatever brought you two together is no longer there, so I have to ask. WHAT changed and when.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 November 2013):
If you've tried talking to him about it, and still had no luck, then it's time for a professional.
You may just be too different to be married, but it's best to try and work things out as best you can.
I'm curious: you knee he did these things before you got married. Why do you think it's driving you nuts now?
Granted, he may do it more than you realized, but it shouldn't be too much of a surprise.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2013): There must have been a very short period from the time you were dating to the time you got engaged. Then married very shortly thereafter. I also look at your age between 30 and 35. I can only speculate perhaps you were watching your biological clock; and counting down birthdays with a set deadline for when you planned to be married, and possibly start a family.You met what you thought to be a nice guy, and couldn't see his faults for the church steeple and wedding bells. And here you are now. You should have listened to mum!Truth is, you hardly knew the man before you decided you'd marry him. You were in a bit of a rush, or there is no way you could miss the smoker's breath, cigarette-flavored kisses, and the fact he was often tipsy. Heavy drinkers often over-celebrate occasions. They wreak with the smell of booze, and can barely hide the fact they've had too many.You can go to alcohol counseling by yourself. It will give you some help with dealing with an alcoholic in denial. You can also ask that he go to marriage counseling with you, or consider a divorce. When people don't compromise, you have to hand down ultimatums and carry them through. You must be taken seriously, or find your way out of your marriage. I think living with someone for the first time is just different for you. You don't approve of a lot of things; because you are a very proper and conservative lady. It may be the reason he is drinking more than ever. He may also have issues at work, and a troubled mind. I suspect that he's not the kind of bloke that shares his feelings. So you could ask him how things are going, and why he has to down so much booze? Be tactful, not tacky. Try the gentle approach. You're his wife, not an interrogator.If you don't like being near him, I also gather that you don't want sex; because you find his smell and drinking unappealing. Thus, he drinks more out of frustration, and to assure that he falls to sleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He probably snores loudly. Even more annoyance. Yes?The smell of his smokey boozy breath in your face while you're trying to sleep is atrocious. Am I wrong?You contemplate putting a pillow over his face, and sitting on it until he stops breathing. That wouldn't be very nice, nor legal.You are a new wife. There are going to be things you need to adjust to, and some things you don't have to tolerate.You will have to learn how to get your husband to do things and make him think it's his idea. Most women I know are very good at that. My mother was a pro. My dad just thought they think a lot alike.Try bringing him a drink, as opposed to letting him get it himself. Try asking him to cut down on smoking by suggesting he try a nicotine patch. Be nice about it, not demanding and motherly. Then while you're attending alcohol counseling; tell him you have to go, because he won't. Explain in a calm and reasonable tone that you feel the drinking and smoking is too much, and would be pleased if he would just curb the habits. It would please you even more; if he could eventually give up the smoking altogether. You want to be a good wife, and it will be easier if he tries to be a good husband. If he doesn't feel your pain, get a lawyer and start filing for a divorce.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 November 2013):
 Some responders, on here, may use your plight to tout the advantages of living together prior to marriage. HOWEVER, I will NOT give you that "pass".
How long did you and hubby date? ... and how distant were you from one-another that you never saw these details of his behaviour???????
Yes... these doings may be fatal to your marriage. ON the positive side..... IF your marriage fails... then you can look to TWO "good sides" of the whole thing:
1. You hven't been married for any long time, and,
2. You'll be more astutue, in the future, to look at how a prospective partner behaves BEFORE you agree to take the plunge with him....
Good luck...
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