A
female
age
36-40,
*ennyexeter725
writes:I've been having an affair with a married man for almost over 18 months now, he's been wed for about 6 weeks, has a 2-year-old son, and on Wednesday he announced he's leaving his wife for me. He said he'd told his wife "I'm leaving you, got a new job elsewhere, need to be by myself, find myself" as an excuse.Now I've got him, why aren't I satisfied? OK, so we're not living together, and he has left the marital home, moved into my flat temporarily, and is waiting for the divorce to come through.Our sex was good, still is, although not quite as hot as before, and I do have the odd bit of guilt from time to time. I worry about the day-to-day side of the relationship, even though between the sheets was passionate.I know you'll say "oh, but married men never leave their wives" but he did, what's the reality going to be for us now? - we live in a village where everyone knows most of the people there.When I told one of my girlfriends last night whilst having a girly night in with DVDs and booze, that my partner had left his wife for me, she was agast (?), said I'd been a homewrecker, and broken a family apart, especially a newlywed. She was angry with me and threatened never to speak to me again.I don't know what to do; on one hand, he's a good, kind man, looks pretty hot, has a great funny personality, but on the other hand, he's still married, and I feel a bit guilty for splitting him and his wife up, along with their son. I feel stressed sometimes thinking about what people in the village will think, this guy's a wealthy businessman, but the money wasn't the thing that drew me to him, it was his sense of humour, his knowledge of food and fine wines, his driven-ness in business.At times, it's like I can't live with him, but can't live without him.WTH do I do??Please help.
View related questions:
affair, divorce, married man, money, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maisy1 +, writes (5 July 2014):
OP You are either living in a fantasy world or you are trying to get attention. Either way this is nonsense im sorry.
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (5 July 2014):
 If you say so Op.
...............................
A
female
reader, jennyexeter725 +, writes (5 July 2014):
jennyexeter725 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow it's gone all wrong. He emailed me to say he's moving abroad, to the U.S. or Canada, to get away from it all, can find a new job etc. He said at least no-one can get to him for child support if he's living in Los Angeles or Houston.
It's my bloody fault, no-one to blame but myself, I guess I need to look for single men and not take up with married men again.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 July 2014):
 Oh wait- I've got something to edit too. I see now that you are worried about HIS in - laws .Yeah well, they'll be furious too, what do you expect, but actually those are the least of your worries since you won't need to have any social interaction with them.
I thought you were worried about " your " in-laws, i.e. his parents and siblings if he has any. THOSE, you may have to deal with if you stay together, and, if you care about their opinions, it is reasonable to asume that these won't be too positive.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 July 2014):
I think that the poster is having a little laugh at our expenses .... or else, she' s writng under the influence.
I can't find other possible explanations for some things she wrote.
Like, that about her friends, who would not be afraid that she'd steal their husbands... because they have no husbands to steal. Yes , but ... they may get boyfriends, fiances, or just a favourite sex partner, right ? Once they know that you are not much the type to stop and think who gets hurt and how- when you want to have a little fun - they are bound to think that " girl code " won't mean much to you, and that if you like any of their men , you'll try it on with them. What else should they think ? Plus, they are not married NOW: will they stay single forever ? How are they supposed to behave if they want to stay friends- and also have some peace if mind when they get married ? Will they have to ditch the friendship at the altar ? ... You may be sure that this kind of thoughts IS going though their minds , even if they are currently free agents.
Abd the Bf's supposed rant about child support ? If he really said that- then he is dumb. He does not have to WANT to pay child support, the law can FORCE him. It's not his choice whether to support his child or not. Regardless of which... don't you find anything wrong with a well-to-do guy who would not WANT, freely and voluntarily, make sure that his own flesh and blood is well provided for and wants for nothing ? Considering that the dad lives it up, he's flush with cash and it would really be no hardship for him ?..
How do you call a well-to- do guy that CAN pay child support but, ideally, would refuse to do it ? ... We have names for people like him on DC, OP... only, we are not supposed to write them. And you should have names too, OP-
in future , it could be YOUR child for whose suppose you'll have to plead and beg and fight teeth and nails.
And the bit about the in laws ? Oh no OP, I bet they'll be deliriously happy, they won't mind at all about how bad they looked with their in laws ( the parents of the ditched wife ), they won't feel ashamed and embarassed , in such a little village, because of their son's behaviour, and they won't blame you at all, they'll understand that a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. They will accept you with open arms and squeals of delight...... Uhm- maybe NOT . Maybe they won't see you as totally innocent and not having any part in this family disaster. But you hadn't thought of that, because who could ever think of anything similar...
There's other things in your posts that indicate a peculiar way of thinking. But maybe we'll have to wait for the effect of those double Martinis to wear off before debating them ...
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (5 July 2014):
EDIT: expect the stage (ie: taxpayer) to foot the bill, should read STATE.
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (5 July 2014):
NOBODY who cheats on their wife both before, during and after a wedding, betrays their child and refuses to pay child support has any right to complain that the government or anyone else is a bunch of "lying thieving bastards" or full of scandal. Talk about a hypocrite!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (5 July 2014):
So....he walks out on his two year old child and despite being wealthy claims he isn't going to pay a penny towards that childs upkeep?!?! A child he has betrayed and whos mover he cheated on? Nice guy you have there. Clearly a selfless, caring kinda guy...not!
The CSA (Child Support Agency) exist to enforce child maintainance payments. He is financially responsible for the upkeep of his child. He cannot just walk out on his kid and expect the stage (ie: taxpayer) to foot the bill.
"As for the day-to-day side, well, won't issues like bills, dirty underwear / dirty socks, laundry, chores, in-laws come into play? What other issues will we face? As for him, he just wants nights out on the town, go to fancy restaurants, stay in posh hotels etc"
Op im sorry but you sound so naïve. You have stole the husband of another woman and now need to ask us to tell you how it will be? Come on!!
Look - he walked out on his wife and kid, says he is not paying maintainance, what does that tell you about him? His attitude is fuck the wife, fuck the kids financial responsibilities, and that's very telling as to how selfish he is. You should have considered every angle very carefully before playing your part in breaking up a marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, jennyexeter725 +, writes (5 July 2014):
jennyexeter725 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's also stated he's not going to have anything more to do with the child, either, saying, it's her responsibility.
...............................
A
female
reader, jennyexeter725 +, writes (5 July 2014):
jennyexeter725 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's already said to me "I ain't paying no f***ing child support, the CSA are a bunch of crooks, like this Government are! This Government are lying thieving bastards, look at the scandals they had!!"
As for the day-to-day side, well, won't issues like bills, dirty underwear / dirty socks, laundry, chores, in-laws come into play? What other issues will we face? As for him, he just wants nights out on the town, go to fancy restaurants, stay in posh hotels etc.
Will his in-laws become an issue for us? I didn't think of that.
Your point about my friends thinking I'll try to steal their husbands; well, they're mostly young, free and single and go out on the town (almost) every weekend
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (5 July 2014):
Hi,
You have had a couple of comments on here which are harsh but justifiably so. I do feel very sorry for the poor wife of this guy who, six weeks ago, thought her partner was committing to her and their child for life, only for you to steel him away after a month and a half. If he has left his wife of six weeks for you then obviously you haven't come along since the wedding so he should have had the balls to walk out on her BEFORE marriage, not walked up the isle with her wile screwing you behind her back and then ditching her. Clearly having a two year old didn't stop his wayward ways either.
The issue for you is that, rightly or wrongly, you will be perceived by others as steeling a wealthy businessman from his wife and young child. You may of liked him for knowing his wines and sense of humour, but others will naturally assume it was a case of you using your body to get a wealthy man from his wife either because you can or out of spite. Sorry but as Honeypie says - you have made your bed. Sorry if that is blunt but you knew the score. You are not a kid, or a youngster, you are a grown woman, an adult. You should have known the whole situation.
What is disappointing is the fact that you seem more concerned with how others perceive you for this than the fact you have split up a new marriage and help cause untold hurt and pain on an innocent two year old child. You also seem shocked that your friends were agast at this situation... well right now they are probably wondering how long it will be before you start trying to steel THEIR husbands. Sorry but I think you have been very naïve and lost touch with reality as people often do in these situations.
There is usually a BIG difference between being someones bit on the side and being with them permanently. Its like wanting a new car - we get all excited and then the novelty wears off and the reality of bills, repairs and so on hit us. When you met this guy on the sly it felt exciting, passionate, you both made the effort to ensure you passionately made the most of the illicit liasons. You would always want more, more commitment, more time, and want that person to yourself and not just be the Third person in the background. hats the danger with affairs - you can quickly become all consumed by the little you actually get and loose sight of perspective.
What you will find now is that the reality of actually being with him officially is very different to the secret, passionate, both trying hard situations of before. The reality of the day to day side of the relationship is now proving very different from a quick, exciting, passionate, illicit encounter while his wifes back was turned. You say your sex life has changed, well it will because there is a difference between a passionate affair and a relationship. When you were his bit on the side you both made the effort, ensured you sexually made the most of your sly, sexy meet ups and no doubt wore sexy underwear or whatever. Now the situation is more mundane, you make less effort because you can sleep together as and when, the game has changed. Going back to the new car analogy, its the difference between and exciting test drive, and being stuck in traffic while late for work. Reality brings us down to earth with a bump.
I suspect some of this is down to it being almost like a game, or a prize for you. Maybe subconsciously you wanted to "win" and wanted the ego boost and confidence stroking feeling of having a wealthy, attractive man want you so badly that he would leave his wife for you. Now that's happened you feel empty as the effect is temporary. The high you felt is gone.
Now you also have the problem that you know this guy is able to walk out on a two year old and his wife six weeks into marriage. Clearly he is not a commitment kind guy. After 18 months of lying to his family he is clearly a liar and a cheat. Not that you are a saint yourself in fairness but it will now be hitting you hard that you have bagged a commitment-phobe who lies and cheats.
You now will have no doubt realised that A: his emotional and financial responsibility to the child wont be over for another sixteen years minimum, thus his ex wife will be in the background if he wants to see that child and he will certainly be paying child support. And B: If he will up and leave his family like that so soon after a wedding, how long until his lack of commitment causes him to move on to another woman and leave you? This is a wealthy guy so he wont be short of offers. If he will leave a wife and child will he really stay committed to you OP? I doubt it.
Sorry but I think you have got yourself into a mess and I don't think too many people will offer support or sympathy to anyone but his wife and child. He will probably go back to his family or find someone else. If you are realising all of the above, I doubt he is oblivious and thinking all is perfect right now. The fact he left his wife for you doesn't mean true love and commitment, it just shows what an ass he is.
Mark
...............................
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (5 July 2014):
 Sounds like you were in a relationship before he got married. Which doe snot sense why he went ahead and married her if he felt so strongly about you. You are feeling guilty and naturally so. Yes you are worried that he will the same to you.
If you love him don't second guess yourself and just make it work. I think its better that he left his wife at least he has now given her a chance to find a man that can be true and love her.
You should not let him move in till he was divorced as there is always a possibility he just might go back because of his son. Clean up your house and start fresh with or without him.
I accept we are humans and make mistakes and hopefully this does not become a pattern for you. I don't blame the woman because an affair is two way thing and the woman is not the married one that had to up hold the vows. Don't get me wrong, I don't condone an affair but both parties are equally wrong, so why do the wives find easy way to just blame the other woman. So they can justify taking their husband back when he come crawling as a victim?
...............................
A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (5 July 2014):
 Hi JennyExeter,
What kind of man would leave a wife he married only 6 weeks ago? That is what you should be thinking.
You are now having concerns and doubts about this man, who so easily left his wife. You have him but aren't sure if he is a keeper or not.
Heck, you are probably subconsciously thinking, he left her, what's stopping him leaving me?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 July 2014):
 I think he should have got himself a place of his own, not gone from the wife to you. But then again, if he did that he would REALLY have to take care of himself. Now he doesn't have to, you will do it.
Since you had no quarms screwing a married man it's kinda to late to develop a conscience if you ask me.
You made your bed, now.. well you lie in it.
If you really CARED what people think you wouldn't have started an affair with a married man.
You might find that he is a lot less charming now that you have to clean up after him, and take care of him.
As for your friend, can't say I blame her. She has to follow her morals, values and heart.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): This disgusts me. He's been married for 6 weeks and already left his wife for you? You should feel ashamed of yourself. You are the reason so many women are insecure about their men being unfaithful. Do you not see how many women post on here out of fear someone like you is going to come along and rip her heart out? Are you that insecure you need a man that's already taken instead of someone who isn't?
I can tell you what happens next. He'll stay with you until he's bored and he'll either A) go back to his wife or B) leave your ass for someone else.
...............................
|
