A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all I have a serious question and could do with some really good advice.I'm 25 and my boyfriend is quite a bit older at 45. We love each other very much, have a great friendship aswell as relationship. I know this man is the one I want to spend my life with.Needless to say we have very differant backgrounds, he is divorced with 2 teenage kids and I have one sone who is just into primary school. We were discussing children today and the possibility of having more when he told me he really would prefer not to have anymore as he is 'too old' to start again. I felt hurt as he has told me in the past he would love to have another baby with me.It also made me wonder whether I am okay with this. I love him to death but I'm worried about my son being an only child- being lonely when he's older and not having anybody to turn too. My boyfriend thinks that if we did have a baby then my son would be too old and dis-interested anyhow to bother with a little brother or sister. As it stands my son and I have a strong bond and I wonder if he would like a little brother/sister or whether he'd be jealous?Any advice would be much appreciated.
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male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (7 July 2011):
I feel I need to address what I feel is some potentially inaccurate information given in a few of the responses. First, it is categorically false that an only child MUST grow up feeling lonely. There's no truth to it at all. Do some only children feel lonely? Sure, of course it happens. But so do some children who have siblings. The truth is that many only children have happy and highly social lives, and just having siblings doesn't guarantee that someone won't grow up to be antisocial and a loner. There are a lot of variables in play, so it cannot be boiled down to something as simple as whether one has a brother / sister or not.Secondly, it is also false that two siblings (or half-siblings) who are pretty far apart in age will bond in the way that closer aged siblings do. It's a gray area, so I don't feel the exact age gap at which point the chasm becomes too wide can be precisely defined. Is it six year? Maybe eight years? I don't know. In any event, there is definitely a point at which the two kids BOTH have a virtual "only child" experience, or the older child is almost a pseudo-parent to the younger one. Siblings have to be close enough in age to have some common ground, otherwise they won't be playmates. If one is in to Dora and Sesame Street while the other is riding around on a quad and creating iPod playlists it is easy to see why they won't have much to do with each other.OP, the best advice I can give is to relate to my own situation. I'm 35 and have primary custody of my now 9 year old daughter. I have accepted, without any regrets, that my daughter will have an "only child" experience growing up. Even if I re-marry and have more children, they'll be too young to relate to her on a true sibling level. Besides, I absolutely did not want to rush into anything just for the sake of providing her with half-siblings as playmates. My daughter is very social, has many friends, and has a pretty exciting and action packed life. If you want to enrich your son's childhood experience, I suggest enrolling him in sports and other out of school activities. Opportunities to get involved and make new friends are a good thing!On the other side of the coin, I've given myself about a ten year window to have more children. If I hit 45 and I have not had more children by then, I probably won't want to. Why? Because I'll be looking to retire in my mid-60's (hopefully :)) and it would be financially difficult to have children just getting ready to start college / university at that time. I think that's a pretty reasonable window... at least for me. So if a couple years ago your boyfriend said he would have another child, but now at 45 he feels too old... unfortunately I can completely understand where he's coming from. He probably wasn't lying before, he's just feeling older now. If this is a big issue, something you really want, then perhaps he just isn't the right man for you. A 20 year age gap is pretty big, and in this case it might be a little bit too big. A guy in his mid to late 30's - which is still quite a bit older than you are - would very likely be willing to have more kids... but when you get into that "pushing 50" range, things are different!
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (5 July 2011):
Talking about your son's reaction to a younger sibling, how does he get on with your boyfriend? Presumably if you were to have a baby with this man then he would take on the father role both to the new baby and your son if you are all living together. Are you happy for this man to be the father of your son, does he want to take on that role, and importantly, how does your son feel about your bf? I think this is just a important as your son's feelings for a new sibling, which, as some other aunts have said, are not really a good reason for a new baby when one of the potential parents is not happy with the idea.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): Lovegirl - what an incredibly sweeping statement! I was an only child and I can tell you now I was never lonely as a child. There are plenty of children who don't have siblings who aren't lonely because they have plenty of friends.
You come across as the sort of woman who would 'oops' her partner to get another child even if her husband didn't want another one.
Regardless, it is no more selfish to NOT want a child for whatever reason than it is selfish to WANT a child. And giving an existing child a sibling in case it might be lonely is one of the more ridiculous reasons for getting pregnant.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): There is a 6 year age gap bet my kids. Yes my daughter was a tad bit jealous but we made her part of the pregnancy: took her to the gynae appointments etc.
That small jealously doesn't compare to the joy of having a sibling!
You are right in thinking that your boy will grow up lonely. Bec he will!
Whether your bf is walking with a walking aid by the time the new kid finishes school, is ok. Just stick to your guns and having a second child is non negotiable.
It will require some selfishness on your part but if u really want another child, then go for it.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): I'm trying to say this without being too harsh, so I apologise if it comes over this way.
You already have a child. You're 25. He already has two children. He's 45.
Why do you need any more? Why is it that some women seem to think that EVERY relationship they have needs to produce a child?
If you want more children, I suggest you find a younger man who doesn't already have them, been there and got the t-shirt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): Did you ask your boyfriend when & why he's had a change of heart? I understand his thought, he's probably thinking of financing college just when he's about to retire; but you're entitled to a full explanation from him.
Also, I'm curious as to whether the only reason you want another child is so your son won't be an "only"? It's the sole reason you give in your question; imo it's not a good enough reason to have a second child. If you really want more children that is another story.
Only children tend to be gregarious and sociable; unless your son has issues getting along with other people now, I wouldn't worry about his ability to have others to turn to in the future.
Depending on your son's age, he might very well want a younger sibling and still be jealous of the baby's demands on your time, especially at first. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
The age difference, by itself, won't affect your son and a younger sibling from being close. Their personalities, likes and dislikes, etc., are what will affect their closeness once they are adults. I have a relative who is 7 years older than her brother; they are close now. I also have an acquaintance with a sister just two years younger; they can't stand each other. So you never can tell.
If you do want additional children, then depending on what your boyfriend says you need to evaluate whether you'd prefer your relationship with him, with the child you have, or more children with someone else.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 July 2011):
 Of course he would be jealous,what do you think, at 6 years the very last thing he wants is a new kid to share your attentions cuddles and time with . I'm sure he'd much prefer a puppy, or the latest Power Ranger, lol.
But that's not the problem because that would be a perfectly normal, temporary, even healthy ,reaction.
The problem is that your husband is understandably not too keen on devoting money and energies in raising another child at his age. So, if the main or only reason you want another child is to give a sibling to your son, ..it's not such a strong reason. The mystique of brotherhood is largely overrated, "blood" is not a guarantee that you can get along with or count on another person just because you share the same parents. It worked in rural, close-knit societies where everybody grew and died within few miles from each other,but now ? Your kids can end up living in two different countries, or continents. And a big age gap DOES make a difference. Not in feelings of mutual affection, maybe, but in actual, everyday bonding. I have a sister who is 7 years younger, we grew up as two only children, each one with her toys, friends, TV programs etc. A 10 years old can't actually play with a 3 y.o. preschooler, it's two different worlds, an 18 y.o. won't have much in common to talk about with an 11 y.o.
And as for feeling lonely growing up, why should he , if he is given the opportunity to adequately socialize with his peers, he will have friends and classmates for companionship.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 July 2011):
 My third child was born when her brothers were 13 and 9, the age gap for the kids was not a problem.
However, I can understand your boyfriends reluctance to have another child, he will be ready to retire before the child is in highschool.
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