A
male
age
,
*ovetoomuch
writes:I am upset over something but don’t have the right to be.I posted last hear on Dear cupid and got some good feed back.Let me explain and get your reaction.I have suffered from retroactive jealousy for a number of years. I realize the past is the past and all that. She is with me now and that is all that matters and so on.My wife while she was in collage her fresh men year broke up with her first boyfriend.They were high school sweethearts. She waited until she graduated high school before she allowed sex. So after her breakup, until she moved the another university 14 months later she had 4 other partners. When she arrived at her new school she got a sex buddy. She said they just used each other from time to time and didn’t really like him. He was from her same High school, and had a massive crush on her room mate. Knowing her better that anyone in the world I am confused by her actions. Totally and completely out of Character. Before we fell in love, we made the mistake of sharing some of the details of our past. That information would haunt me for years to come.I was able to suppress it for nearly 16 to 17 years. Then I started suffering from Depression and anxiety during the recession 2008. I was able to control that with the proper medications. But it did take its toll. I started obsessing about her past. Finally she had enough of the questions and me making her feel like she had done something wrong. She said she was alone with no one, and needed the contact. And nothing she did was inappropriate. Even the sex buddy. So I felt like a total dick and rightly so. From that day on I have suffered in silence with my obsessive retroactive jealousy. So here is the thing that brought me to this-My son is a junior in high school and is a good kid. Being the good father, instead of saying you should not drink or have sex when you go to college. We talk about – That he needs to know how to handle the situations way before they happens. The legal, morel and social ramifications. A guy we know, knocked up a girl he didn’t know. And now he has a kid he is responsible for. And has no relationship with the mom or really even knows her. So having unprotected sex, even if she says she is on birth control. Is not an option. STDs and the chance of getting her pregnant is a very real thing. Getting drunk and getting arrested, or getting in a car with some one that has been drinking. will also more than likely be a thing he will have to encounter, so he should think how he should handle them before it dose.I told my wife of my son and my talks one night while we were discussing him going to college.She got defensive and said that not all kids do that in collage. Some don’t do bad or questionable things. And that she never did.I could not help my self. My lips started moving and I couldn’t stop. Like I said I have thought about this for years.I said yes you did! She looked at me with puzzlement like I don’t know what I am saying.I said you chose to have unprotected sex with 6 guys in less than a year and a half. ( she was on birth control and the 6th guys was me.) and one of the guys was a F*** buddy that she didn’t even like. What if she would have got knocked up by him? And you also told me of times you and your boy friends would take tequila shots and get drunk.Do you want your son to have sex with 6 girls multiple times in a year and not use protection because they say they are on the pill? Or just have tequila shots and get drunk.Her face went from puzzlement to realization. I got up and walked away in disgust.The funny thing is it has been two weeks and nothing has been said. Not a word.Here is the question-So dose she now think what I said about her promiscuity in the past is true?She sure doesn’t want her little boy to be as good as she was in college.Should I bring it back up?
View related questions:
broke up, crush, drunk, fell in love, her past, jealous, sexual past, std, the pill, university, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2017): Mate 6 people in a year is not really that much to be honest. I am having issues with my wife at the moment, we have been married for 10 years and when we met she had slept with, according to her around 50 people, so probably more like 70. The bulk of those would have been in a short space of time, mate 4 years or so. To me that is without a doubt promiscuous and not attractive. I have stayed with her though because I am able to see past that and see her for who she is now but from time to time it comes back to haunt me, usually when we have gone through periods of no sex.
Personally I think you did nothing wrong but tell her the truth and tell her to stop being a hypocrite. I recently told me wife that she might as well have the “sex talk” with our two sons when the time comes, which is soon, as she is more qualified than me due to her promiscuous past. This sparked a bit of an argument from her side saying that she was not promiscuous. Sorry but how can sleeping with at least 50 people by the time you are 25 not be promiscuous?
In any case we are going to seek counselling for our problems which have sprung out of this and as lots of other people have said you should see help too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): Why are you not in therapy? You clearly need professional help because you can't control your thoughts which are leading to behaviors that are destroying your marriage and hurting other people. It is also possible that you might need medication. Why are you not willing to take responsibility?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 August 2013):
 I don't think you are a bad guy either, but I think your mindset is stuck in one gear (reverse, if you will) and you RATHER drive looking out the back window, when it comes to your wife, then shift and look out the front.
Retrograde Jealousy is destructive, not only for the one suffering from it (you) but for the spouse (your wife) Right now she is walking on egg-shells because she KNOWS that you can't let it go.
Her past is not that of some totally promiscuous woman who screwed any guy with a pulse. It's pretty much the NORM or maybe even BELOW average (6 guys) - yes, the unprotected part I don't think is the "norm" either, but again.. WHAT is it you expect from your wife to do about it? Be ASHAMED of her past? REGRET it constantly? Feel as disgusted about herself as you do when it comes to that subject? Is that fair?
I still say if you TRULY want to find a way to make this a non-issue for BOTH of you, seek help.
Also YOS (uncle here on DC) have written a LOT about RJ and he is MUCH MUCH better at explaining it then I am. Look him up and read his posts.
And stop beating yourself up. RJ is almost like a compulsion, but it's something you can get to the root of and eliminate from your life. (if you wish that).
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 August 2013):
 OP I don’t think you are a bad guy either. I can’t grasp how you feel or why you feel that way but many others can. I think you love your wife very much and would MUCH PREFER TO NOT FEEL the way you feel.
I think your wife is very wise to let it go since it’s clearly a difference in fundamental beliefs of what is moral, immoral and right and wrong.
I think if you are truly interested in letting it go that the suggestion of some therapy might be a good idea.
Best of luck to you OP.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (27 August 2013):
 OP, I don't think anyone here thinks you're a bad guy. Many of us have gone through something similar and can relate.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): I posted on here a couple of times and I don't think you're a bad person. Bad people don't feel bad or sorry to correct what they say or do. At least you want to rectify the situation. I would like to share my story on being with a person that had RJ. I was 25 at the time and he was older than me. Honestly, he was far worse than you because he was controlling and manipulative. I never discussed my past with him because even then I believed that my sexual past is none of anyone's business. I never questioned him about his. It was No big deal to me. I honestly could care less.To make a long story short, he found out about ONE ex of mine and he wouldn't let it die. Just ONE. When he asked, i didn't lie about it. I kept getting the questions, the put downs, etc. The sad part is he was married before, had a child, cheated on his wife had a child with his mistress while married and then had a third some years later. (For the record, i didn't ask him about his history, neither did he tell me. It was a common sense factor. I can add and subtract.) 3 children by 3 different women. It was okay for him to have all that sexual history, but not okay for me. I to this day have No children at 37. He was one of those men that felt it was okay to sow his royal oats, but his woman had to be basically virginal. I felt that was totally unfair considering that I like sex too. I like to explore sexually and get off just like the next person, who the hell was he?!I ultimately left him because it was just too much for me. I didn't feel loved by him at all. I only felt judged. He made me feel like crap because he always threw up my past in my face and even accused me of cheating on him with this man! Hello?! Who have 3 baby mamas and was adulterer here?! Wasn't me. His excuse was "he was just being a man" "he was young and dumb" Why aren't those "excuses" good enough for me? Why couldn't I just be being a woman or young and dumb myself? All of this over ONE ex boyfriend. ONE! At the end of the day, the number isn't a factor. It just wasn't YOU as her one and only. I'm just giving you a perspective of what It's like on the receiving end of being with someone with RJ. I had to leave because I didn't feel free of a past that had NOTHING to do with him. I didn't make it 6 months, you're wife have been suffering from this since 2008. I advised you in my previous posts to get some professional help. To not only free your wife of this aggravation, but yourself! Aren't you tired of dealing with this? You can't even face the present or the future for dwelling on the past. Your wife obviously loves you and so does your son. The two of you have been together for over 20 years. That's a beautiful thing! Do you not know how many people want that including myself?! I just married 2 years ago and I hope and pray my marriage stands the test of time like yours!Please please get some help. The three of you deserve peace and happiness. I wish you the very best.
...............................
A
male
reader, lovetoomuch +, writes (27 August 2013):
lovetoomuch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses- positive and negative. They all help. That’s why I came here.The One thing I can’t talk to her about, I can talk to you. And I am listening.Out of all of the replies, I think ( dougbcoll ) nailed how I feel. And he has a way of putting it in to words.And to clear up one thing- when I said "The funny thing is it has been two weeks and nothing has been said. Not a word." I am not getting the silent treatment.We still Talk and go though our days as though nothing was said and that is unlike her. She backs down from nothing. Truthfully I think she doesn’t want to poke the bear and let it go.So lastly I am working on letting it go as well. Wish me luck. Thank you. P.S. I am nor really a bad guy.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 August 2013):
 No one knew what's in the wife's mind and how the conversation went exactly. If I was the mother I would have no problems of telling him, "no I don't mind if my son does that because I trust he will make good decisions."
My guess is she was overwhelmed by her husband's tension and how disconnected their thinking is. What started as an innocent lecture to their son became a cold war between them. Silence does not mean passive agreement. She was in shock because she was unarmed and unprepared for the intensity build up that she didn't know about while the husband had been thinking about this for so long.
I have a son, who is not sexually aware yet. From time to time I tell him little bits of information about relationships. I wouldn't say I urge him to have sex with multiple girls. I wouldn't tell him I rejoiced what I did in the past. I would just tell him the consequences of having a baby. I would want him to have fun at the same time exercising his own judgment.
Even if the wife told the men to wear condoms, she would be wrong for having casual sex. No matter what she did it would be wrong in the husband's eyes. If it's just the tequila shots and no sex that would be a problem too. Only sluts drink with men.
I really think the OP is feeling miserable and want his partner to feel just as miserable so he is not alone in this.
You achieve this purpose but no one wants to be miserable for a long time, like 17 years. If you want to find things to be miserable about, you will always find them just don't expect others to join you in this journey.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): There is still the factor of the post that is being looked over. He SUPPRESSED this info for 16-17 years and as of 2008 the OP started to obsess again. Irregardless, he was going to snap because he has serous issue that is being untreated.
In the end, It's still HIS fault. He knew he wasn't cool with it. Married her and was living a lie. He could have walked away right then and there. Bottom line.
Get help if you want to continue the marriage. It will resurface again.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): So Very Confused you have a point, logically.
But I have a feeling that the OP's wife is not really so fine with the kinds of stuff she used to do.
I think she was probably just in denial about what she did. If the discussion was not about her, if her past actions were being done by her son, but they sounded just different enough not to remind her how similar they are to her history . . I'll bet she wouldn't be so approving of it anymore. Not when she views it as an outsider.
If my hunch is right then all the Aunts' reasoning about casual sex not being wrong is irrelevant to the OP and his wife. I think both the OP and his wife probably agree that they dont want their son repeating some of the stuff she used to do. She was probably just not being honest with herself about how she acted years ago.
So her husband finally "threw her past in her face" by pointing out her blatant lies and bringing their discussion back to reality. That has made him the bad guy for some reason.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): Mentioning this to her will always be perceived by her as throwing it up in her face. Women are sensitive to the double standard between us and men. If she is doing OK now in light of you last incident let it go and consider yourself lucky.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 August 2013):
WEll there are two things here
first of all when I was in college there was no chance of getting an STD that did not respond to treatment... now there is... so
that's different.
secondly... she never lied to her husband about her prior behavior she clearly just views it differently.
I do not see six partners while on BC in college over 20 years ago a problem. Clearly neither does the wife.
Comparing a recovering (they are ALWAYS recovering) alcoholic to a woman who enjoyed her life is a bit different...
it's not that she is saying she did NOT do the alleged behavior... just that she does not view it the way her RJ suffering spouse views it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): Wow I wouldn't actually be surprised if the anonymous male poster who is getting so worked up about this is actually the OP!
Dude his wife didn't lie! She thinks her behaviour in college was acceptable whereas her husband does not. That equals a difference of opinion and nothing more. She doesn't have to live her life to suit his moral compass just like he doesn't have to accept her past. The difference is, he can take steps to fix the situation. He can get counselling and try to overcome it. She can't go back and undo what happened so he is the ONLY one who can fix this.
Finally, my ex wife was an alcoholic and comparing the two is not only ridiculous it's also disrespectful to the hell anyone who has lived with an addict (recovering or otherwise) has to go through. Seriously, the 2 aren't even in the same planet as each other.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): Angry anonymous male - for your analogy to work the OPs wife would have to have been a sex addict who was harming herself and others in the process. That is not the case at all - she slept with a few guys when she was young and single and got drunk a few times. That's it!
In addition, she is NOT lying about her past because in HER OPINION (and mine and many others') she didnt go wild in college. She barely even scratched the surface of wild based on some of the girls I went to uni with! The OP thinks she did something wrong yes, but because she doesn't agree does not make her a liar. It means they have different opinions on what constitutes wild behaviour.
The OP was warning his son about drink driving, STIs, unwanted pregnancies and the like - none of which his wife experienced in college. If she had done then I can see how her remark could be interpreted as hypocritical. But that's not the case here. His wife got herself in no trouble, and came to no harm, all she did was enjoy a healthy sex life before she met the OP.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): Wait a minute. Are the Agony Aunts allowed to rewrite the facts to suit their viewpoint too, as well as the OP's wife? How does this incident qualify as him "continually throwing her past in her face"?The OP wasn't trying to talk about her past when this outburst happened. SHE brought up her past. SHE lied about herself to refute a comment he made. Her past would never have been in the discussion IF SHE HAD NOT BROUGHT IT UP.Throughout all these answers we keep hearing the common theme that the OP is wrong for inflicting pain on his wife. Its not that simple. The OP had an understandable reason to "throw it in his wife's face again" because of what SHE said. Go back, read that exchange, and THINK about the whole conversation, not just his words alone. Her comment was startling in how different it was from the truth. Really, it almost reads like an intentional attempt to push his buttons on the matter. No I don't think the wife really intended it that way. I think she was just in denial about her own past at the time. But I am saying look at it from the OP's point of view. He is only human and her words can cause emotional reactions in him too. She refuted a point he made by telling a total lie about herself. And it sounded like an attempt to deny the fact that she has done things he does not respect. I will use this example again. THINK ABOUT THIS: You have a recovering alcoholic partner. It was years ago but their days of drinking in the past has been a source of a lot of emotional hurt for you. Then one day you are trying to say that your child needs warning about the dangers of drinking in college. She responds "Oh come on, alcohol isn't that big of a deal. I never drank to excess." Now tell me, how in the hell are you going to respond to that?!? You are going to snap off and give her a splash of cold water on the face, that's how. That is what the OP did.The OP's rant did not come out of the blue while he was watching football on TV. If you are not taking the whole scene in context the you are not being fair to him. Intentionally or not, his wife lied to his face about a sensitive subject and that provoked an outburst.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 ..But why rather than suffering in silence with your obsessive retroactive jealousy, don't you try doing something to cure it ? So that you can stop suffering- and your wife as well, because this must be no picnic for her either ?
RJ is a form of OCD, - and as such hopefully will respond to OCD psychiatric treatment, including OCD medications.
Some people have repeated, irrational, incontrollable preoccupations with germs, or alien invasions, some others with how many guys have been intimate with their wives ( BEFORE they got married- otherwise, if it's after, that would be a rather reasonable preoccupation :). But the dynamics are the same and need to be tackled with the same approach : a professional intervention.
It does not really matter who's right who's wrong, and if having 6 partners in 18 months at college is normal/ acceptable - as your wife thinks- or promiscuous / excessive / inacceptable, as you see it.
Because you can't change the past and cannot undo what has already been done. If you felt so strongly again casual sex and trequila shots - well, you should NOT have married your wife to begin with, but another type of woman as strongly opposed to these things as yourself.
But, since you DID marry her, and apparently, other than for your RJ / her past the marriage is working and you want to keep it going, with the least amount of suffering as possible... then do what you can do to reach this goal. So, since you can't unpromiscue your wife, or untequile her now- what you can do ( unless you want to divorce, but it does not sound this is the case ) would be taking your problem seriously and bringing it to a good professional for medical treatment.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (26 August 2013):
I forgot to add...
Your wife does not want your son philandering all over the campus, knocking up young women, getting into fights with angry boyfriends and picking up STDs. So relax on that issue.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (26 August 2013):
You've brought this up several times already and it has done more harm than good. I don't see why bringing it up YET AGAIN will be any more effective.
And you aren't trying to clarify your wife's stance on your son and what he MIGHT do, but on what she did and how you think it affects you. Your son is merely the smoke screen.
Food for thought. Retroactive jealousy is a manifestation of OCD and like all manifestations of OCD it is not motivated by love, especially not an excess of love as your screen name would suggest, but by a preoccupation with self.
•How many men was she with before she met ME?
•Why was she with those men before she was with ME?
•Did she do all the things with them that she does with ME?
•Why did she do that with them but not with ME?
•What isn’t she telling ME?
•Why did she lie to ME?
•This bothers ME
•How could she do this to ME?
Your issues may indeed be moral, as many men claim it is. Yet I don't recall hearing men complain about lack of morals when listening to their friends and colleagues boast about their conquests. Certainly the qualities one seeks in a wife differ some from those sought out in a friend, but an immoral act is an immoral act. Casual sex does not become more or less moral depending upon who is engaging in it. So I don't buy that explanation.
Nor do I buy the biological one since women (and children) have more to gain by genetic diversity, yet we have always granted men greater sexual latitude. It is certainly not to a mother or child's advantage to be solely dependent upon one man who divides his resources and protection among numerous other women and children.
Quite often it's simple envy with a halo. A man who avoids casual sex because he has performance or body issues is no more moral than one who has a fantastic body and enjoys sharing it with many. 'Higher standards' is often a face saving means of concealing inner insecurities.
We assume that because a sexual trigger is often more powerful than a non sexual trigger that the root cause must therefore be sexual. The cause may not be sexual at all. If your wife has had more sexual experience than you have you may believe that gives her a power you lack.
Like I said, this is all just food for thought. Maybe some of it applies to you and some not. It can't hurt to consider it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): No one is saying the OP doesn't have the right to feel the way he does. What he doesn't have the right to do is continually throw his wife's past in her face. That's not fair - she can't change it and he is just hurting her and himself every time he brings it up. The problem IS HIS since the only choices he has are to either come to terms with it, or end the marriage. His wife can't go back and undo these things, nor can she spend her life defending something that happened years ago. In an ideal world OP what would you like? For your wife to live the rest of her life being sorry and remorseful for something she did before she met you? Undoing the past is not an option, so what realistically is a solution to you? If you love your wife then you should want to be ok with this, but only a trained professional is qualified to help you achieve that. And if you can't, the only fair thing for both of you is to end the marriage as you are both miserable at the moment.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): You owe her an apology for this latest incident.
YOU chose to have unprotected sex in college with her. So you are being a hypocrite for labeling her irresponsible for having unprotected sex with you. This is really bizarre that you put all the blame on her but I suppose it is in keeping with your obsession about her past.
Apart from being a hyporcrite you're just being a jerk. Please get some therapy and possibly medication too before you give your wife no alternative but to divorce you as the only way she can ever have any peace again. Don't think you have all the time in the world to get a grip on your psychological issues, she may be closer to considering divorce than you know. This happens in relationships with long term unresolved conflict where one spouse is continually blaming the other for things beyond their control.
I
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): OP Ask yourself this question: Was it worth it? Two weeks of silence over something that happened 20+ years ago. Was it worth the tension in your marriage now? I also find it very hypocritical that you didn't post ANY of your past in this post. Only your wife's. Is it because you deep down didn't want to be judged for your past either? Regardless of the angry male anon poster who's said big f-ing deal about hurting your wife's feelings, that's asinine. You have to live, sleep, eat, raise your children etc with this woman. If you keep this up, you're going to lose her. Nobody I mean nobody wants their past thrown in their face, including you obviously. You sure weren't forthcoming with yours. For the record, your wife didn't do anything wrong. Last time I checked, having a sex life isn't a crime. I didn't read in your post that she drank and drive, she left her roommate for dead, she stole the midterm and sold it to the entire campus or engaged in group sex or anything that would cause her to be arrested.You have the right to feel how you feel, but to speak the truth, you come across as being a judgmental, arrogant hypocrite. You can only bear your wife's past on here but not your own? I know you're not going to like what I said, you may feel a certain type of way because I don't know you. Think now how your wife feels and you're supposed to love her First you need to apologize and tell her going to seek professional help. YOU have issues and you are going to be diligent about working on them. You love her, never meant to hurt her and don't want to lose her. After that, let the chips fall. Best of luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (26 August 2013):
 "so does she now think what i said about her promiscuity in the past is true"? ....." should i bring it back up"? i would say yes that she knows her past has hurt you and that she wants to put it behind her, even trying to block it out of her mind. i don't think it will do you any good to bring it up again. it will only cause more open wounds. "her face went from puzzlement to realization " just about anything and everything a person does in life effects someone else, either for the better or the worse. she cant change her past, and it hurts you because you love her more than anything in the world. her life of having sex with guys for casual f**k is hard to picture her. its out of character of who she is, and that you know and love. that is one reason why it hurts so bad. retroactive jealousy to me is not a good term to describe how a person feels about their wife's past. i really don't think jealousy has a lot to do with it, more like retroactive hurt, or lose. you hurt because you love her, you feel lose because the past can't be undone. i myself have gone through what you are going through very much so. i have been married now for thirty years and love my wife more than anything on the earth. met and dated her when she was sixteen. she was a virgin, we broke up for eighteen months . we got back together and i blindly thought we would pick back up were we left off. i found out she had been with eight guys in a twelve to fourteen month period.she was seventeen,eighteen years of age at that time. totally out of character of who she is. my heart was broken. i have suppressed it over the years, and raising the kids have helped with that during that time. but they are grown and it really has bothered me over the past couple of years. obsessing, and depression. the thing that hurts me the most is she will not talk about it to me. she keeps it suppressed, does not want to think it. what hurts is i was apart of her life before her past, and i wish she would open up to me. she had low self esteem, bad advice from her sl*tty cousin that contributed. you have the right to feel the way you do, you cant help the way you feel. people saying "the past is the past" , stop being judgmental , she is with you now, its your problem, her past is none of your business. these words do nothing to help you out. the best advice i can give you, give her unconditional love, forgiveness, and acceptance. she more than likely will not bring the subject backup. i would say she does not like to think of it. the thing i think we or "at least me" that suffer from RJ would like to hear from our wives is " i am sorry, i wish i would have waited for you". just a few right words could make a difference. i hope this helps
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): Its no big mystery why the OP feels this way now.
He dislikes his wife's sexual morals. That isn't a problem of insecurity, its a problem of compatibility. It does not get fixed or go away, it can only be ignored. The problem came to a head because he was forced to really think about it again when his son was going off to college.
The OP is the bad guy for being in this situation. But what kind of treatment would he have gotten for trying to avoid it? Men who openly say that female promiscuity turns them off get severe tongue-lashings and all kinds of negative reactions from women. Asking women about their history when first dating gets an even worse reaction. What else was he supposed to do?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): First off I want to say I am sorry and totally understand your suffering. I want to say you have every righr to feel how you feel! I want to take a differnt approach from these other posters bu attempting to get at WHY you are feeling insecure about uour wife now? Did something happen? Is your wife behaving differently? Is there something that jas triggered this in you? Or is this something hat has been under your skin all these years but you ignored those feelings? It seems from the little you posted now n i have read uour precious one too, that you have a great long marriGe and raised your kids well. So OP whats really bugging you?And btw you were right in correcting your wife n her past albeit harsh.So get to what it is you want ultimately to happen whats your happily ever after ending to your woe? Good wishes
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): Let's suppose the OP's wife brings up this ugly scene years from now. Does the OP have the right to claim "I never said that stuff!" and deny it all just because he has changed his mind about it?
That is exactly what his wife was doing!
She cannot redo her sexual past, and her husband cannot undo what he just said to her! That's life! You DO have a choice about EVERYTHING, you just don't get to reverse it later on!
She was denying her own previous choices and pretending to have lived by morals that she did not. Her husband has struggled with her real morals for a long time and he resented her suddenly claiming no responsibility for her own actions. Now he is the bad guy for calling her a liar when she was lying. Why?
Being an adult means you have to take responsibility for your actions. You don't get to deny and rewrite your past actions whenever they become a problem.
If the OP's wife really believes she did nothing wrong then why doesn't she seem to approve her son going out and doing the same thing now?
But whether or not casual sex is wrong is beside the point. The OP's wife could have admitted that what she did in the past was wrong, or she could have argued that she didn't do anything wrong . . either one would be more respectable and right than lying about it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): Please apologize for your hurtful remark, whatever your personal issues are you had absolutely no right to bring up something you've known about for years and use it against her and her view on parenting.
You are clearly a very loving and informed parent to your son, well done for teaching him sensible values from a young age. You also have had a very long term and loving relationship with your wife, otherwise you wouldn't be beating yourself up over this. Although what you said and the way you've handled your feelings maybe wasn't great, please don't feel like you're a bad person, husband or father. Depression does do strange things to us and I understand 100% how you can get fixated on something to the point where it becomes a major argument over nothing really.
Ok, so firstly your wife really didn't do anything that out of the ordinary during her youth did she? Your retroactive jealousy, you don't really make clear... are you disgusted that this is the kind of behavior she got up to? Do you wish you both had a more adventurous sex life together? Or do you feel inadequate in your own sex life before you met your wife, do you wish you had this kind of experience yourself? If it's any or all of the above you need to get this issue out of your head! Let me tell you now, when I was a teenager I slept with over 20 men, I drank, did drugs all because I thought it was cool and didn't really care about the consequences at the time. I'm still young now (21) but already at my young age I regret those years where I went a bit crazy. I'd like to thing I am a more mature and firm-minded person now. I'd hate to think that my future husband would drive himself crazy over things that meant nothing and that I learnt my lesson from now.
Some of us feel, especially early on in a relationship we feel strongly about, that we regret past mistakes and want our new relationship to be a clean slate. It sounds like your wife made the 'mistake' of sharing what she got up in detail to as she didn't want to keep secrets or feel ashamed of things she had done before she met you. She wanted you to accept her despite her past, and you made your judgement and repressed it for a very long time. After that she probably genuinely did forget all about those times in college and repressed it herself to some extent because it should have meant NOTHING to her, to you or your future together. She obviously did not hold it in regard as such a problem or mistake as you did either.
Seeing your son grow up and discussing it with your wife has clearly highlighted the issue. He WILL make mistakes, big or small, you have done everything you can do to teach him values and consequences and chances are he will be a good kid and learn quickly from any mistakes he is bound to make as a teenager. Maybe part of you is thinking 'if my wife was able to make those mistakes, then my son will too'.
You need to communicate with your wife. Really make this up to her and do something romantic. I'm presuming she knows about your depression in the past. Explain exactly as you have done on here, that during your depression you became fixated on her past and that you felt awful about it for a long time. That seeing your son growing up have brought about these defensive feelings even more and that you said what you said out of pent up frustration, that you LOVE and RESPECT her for who she is now and feel awful for holding something like that against her (you should).
Once you have started communicating please don't burden her or yourself with guilt, please seek professional help (either a psychiatrist or marriage councilor) if you feel it will remain an issue as you know yourself this isn't healthy. Best of luck I know how hard this must feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): Bottom line: NOBODY LIKES TO BE JUDGED FOR THEIR PAST INCLUDING THE OP! No offense but would you like it if you're wife called you a loser because you didn't experience life like she did? Because a lot of people suffered due to the recession and didn't have to take medication for it that you're weak. STOP BEING SO JUDGMENTAL. You need help big time. Sorry to be so crass. Having sex with 6 people by the time you're in your 40s is NOT that big of deal. Go marry a virgin if you want to be someone's one and only.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): Anonymous male - what exactly did his wife lie about?! She said she didn't do anything bad or questionable because that is the TRUTH. She has no issue with her past because she was a young, single woman who had every right to sleep with whoever she wanted to. There is nothing wrong with that. Nor can she change it which is where the real issue comes in. The OP cannot accept his wife's past, which is his choice and he's entitled to feel how he does. But he has NO RIGHT to throw it in her face whenever he feels like it. It's in the past, and he can either get over it or leave. He can't live his life building up resentment towards his wife, and expect her to accept whatever verbal abuse he gives her if he feels she 'deserves it'. It is HIS PROBLEM and his choices are as follows: get help to overcome it or find someone with a past he finds acceptable.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): What in the hell has the OP done that is WRONG here? He hurt his wife's feelings. Big fucking deal, that's what the truth does sometimes. His wife was casually rewriting her own history to suit her present desires and acting like a total hypocrite. She did things and now she decides she didn't. Its like listening to your recovering alcoholic partner casually say, "I never drank to excess". I know its hard to believe but some people find THAT a little hard to respect. The OP's wife needed a bit of cold water splashed on her face and she got it. I would have felt exactly like the OP did in his shoes. Its hard to deal with your partner having done things that you don't respect. Bur its even hard to deal with them casually denying this stuff about themselves that has caused you so much emotional struggle for so long. Other agony aunts are saying the OP should break up with his wife over this? What the hell? If that is true then its time to stop telling ANYONE on ANY Dearcupid question to EVER try to deal with their retro jealousy, because these feelings don't away. Some people have moral differences. Differences can sometimes be dealt with but they don't disappear. Let's keep this straight: The only thing the OP did was point out the truth to his wife after she had been lying about herself. You can hate him for it but he is just the messenger.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 August 2013):
Sorry didn't proof read.
Unless you live in a country where women are covered up and can only talk to her husband and no one else, you can't be black and white about women. This is slut, this is mother wife figure. Slut, whore, virgin mary. Women have the right to choose when to have it casual, when to have it serious, regardless of how conservative some men can be.
Nothing your wife says now or do now can alleviate your retroactive jealousy. She can acknowledge what she did wrong. She can insist nothing was inappropriate, like you did initially. Still you will be obsessing alone. Do you expect her to be penitent her whole life and does that really resolve the issue?
The only thing you could do is pledge to yourself that you are going to live in the present and not let external factors suck you back into the past.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 August 2013):
YOU need more help then we can give you here on DC - therapist/counselor, someone qualified.
You will NEVER stop holding this over your wife's head even if it's totally unreasonable. And SHE will reach a point where she's just had enough and walk away. So I suggest you find yourself a GOOD therapist/counselor and DEAL with it. Obviously you can't do this on your own, so please if you love your wife and your marriage.. get help.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 August 2013):
The bad things are no protection at all, drunk driving and getting arrested. Birth control failure is 3%. Condoms can break. So technically the only non promiscuous person is a virgin, and being a non virgin is wrong.
When you implied your wife did wrong you were saying she lied about birth control when she didn't. Yes there is risk for stds. Even blow jobs carry the risk of stds.
She did not feel what she did was wrong. Nothing you say will make her feel wrong. With your logic you could be wrong if you don't wear condoms every single time.
You've educated your won enough. Your wife got defensive because she knew that when you talked about college and stuff, you were heading towards that direction and wanting an argument. You were lumping everything in the same pile and telling her that she is not a good model for her son. She feels that the lengthy lecture is more about reprimanding her past more than education for your son.
So what to do after 2 weeks silence? Were you really expecting your wife to say sorry and to admit she is wrong? Your mind wants to hear that but you know that's not going to happen. She probably wants an apology and a promise to not bring it up again, like you promised not to.
...............................
A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (25 August 2013):
 Why dont you just find a less fast loose women. That would solve this problem of the people she had unprotected sex could be less than 6 perphaps more where you there if not you cant be exact. Also for your son you can warn and talk til hour lips turn blue it wont stop whats going to happen but the concern of warning him is better than not. I hope no one is wearing red for war and jealousy secretly going through my composition book of secrects and person infor I write to help me not them. So whats the name of the medicine or is it self medications street drugs if you know what I mean. I hope all goes well with it all though and it will be solved. All the men / women in my family have issues of depression to and self medicated then tried to kill me. So may sure you find someone that wont cause you depression thats what Im doing. Another point I like to make is I dated a women and men a slightly if for fact knew of there past and it comes up but I tried to deal with them in real time not quantum leap time if you know what I mean.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): Your wife did nothing wrong in college!! She used that time to experiment and find herself, decisions which ultimately led her to you. Your feelings about this are not normal or healthy. Your wife is not going to all of a sudden believe she did anything to be ashamed of because the fact is she didnt. You need to get counselling ASAP or else your marriage will be over. I don't know many women who would stay with a man who was so openly disgusted with her and so closed minded that he couldn't accept that she had a life before him. This is YOUR problem and it's up to YOU to fix it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (25 August 2013):
Even though you pointed her past out to her and brought it up, in the end you've accomplished nothing. The fact that nothing was said on the aftermath makes this whole situation worse. Instead of seeking help with your jealousy you have introduced more toxicity into the relationship.
I think you should break up with her because at this rate it doesn't seem like you will get any better. You will only continue to bring your frustrations on her over trivial matters. Your actions are just not healthy and someone at your age should know better. It will be a good idea to learn from this and explain to your son that there are girls out there who are typically promiscuous during college years. But she was right though, not all college people engage in over-the-top activities. Either way, you can hope your son does not repeat your own mistakes. But I think he will be a successful person all the same!
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (25 August 2013):
 I think that there is nothing anyone here can say to help you.
Your issues are massive and controlling your life and what is 'normal' for some people apparently is not normal for you.
A trained psychotherapist may be able to unravel why it is that you think the way you do, or what has happened to you to have such a controlling stance on your relationship both with your wife and your son.
As parents we all worry what our kids get up to, but here's the news!! Whatever you do or say to advise him, your child will do as he wishes as he gets older and you can only hope he takes some of your advice, if you keep on and on and on, he will just stop listening to you, and you will damage your relationship irrepairably, much like you have damamged your relationship with your wife.
Your wifes sexual past is none of your business...it's the past and when you decided to be with her, you agreed to make a new start...but in your head (which has a massive problem)it's all f**ked up and unreasonable and obsessive...you have to find a way on your own to deal with that...see a psych, have conselling, write it on the wall!!! If you cannot let it go, you will lose your wife...that is the bottom line.
Seek professional help.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (25 August 2013):
 Your poor wife! The past is the past and things that we did before we hooked up with our current partners should not matter in the now.
Is she a good wife? Is she a good Mother? The things that happened in her past have made her the person she is today.
She might not be proud of her past but, bless her, she can hardly change it, then again she may have no issues with it.
Either way she doesn't need you throwing it up in her face when it suits you.
Your son is clearly growing up to be a thoughtful young man (and that is much your wife's doing as your own) but when he leaves home to go to college he will behave as most young men do. You cannot make him do what you want him to do and I think it's great you're giving him an all round perspective of dangers.
Also your wife was on the pill so she was being responsible in regards to pregnancy, and although it doesn't protect against STD's it is a much more reliable form of contraception than a condom.
I feel you have serious issues about your wife's past but I think that was a long time ago and you need to let it go. It had really very little to do with you anyway. It happened before you met and she's been faithful since she got with you, she's not a drunk or a drugs user so she's hardly turned out bad.
I know you wanted an answer supporting your complaint but I'm sorry, I speak as I find. I think you've been unkind and cruel to your wife using your son's potential future to again beat her with her past.
She must be so hurt, I would hate it if I thought my husband was so disgusted with me (over something so historic) he could say such nasty things to me. You should only bring it up again to apologise, in my opinion.
If you don't then, good luck with your marriage because this could cause a major rift.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): If I was your wife, I would be devastated, and heart broken to know that, that was how my husband/love of my life, thought of me. I would feel judged, and feel loved less. It would be something that had been done, and I could never take back, and I could never be sorry for, because it was my life BEFORE I met my love.... and therefore, I could never change the way he thought of me. It would depress me no end, and most likely end my relationship with him. I would only want to be in a love relationship with a man than thought the world of me, and loved and respected and trusted me.... and thought highly of me.... and forgave any of childish actions from long long ago. You HAVE to FORGIVE her! See it for what it is. You are feeling your jealousy because you love her so much. But that is going to destroy your relationship, and destroy your love. Love her MORE, by forgiving her. Draw a line in your mind, and everything that happened before you two met, is inadmissible.
...............................
|
