A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months. I've dated many guys but I only really fell deeply in love with a couple of them and I did fall deeply in love with him. A long time ago I dated an emotionally abusive guy and he also cheated on me so I have some trust issues with my relationships, and it's especially bad with my current boyfriend because being so in love just scares me to death. In the beginning of our relationship I was always so scared that he would hurt me, leave me, or cheat on me, but he slowly tore my wall down and he's never lied to me or given me any reason not to trust him and I'm so much more comfortable with him now. Even with my trust issues, jealousy, and past, he has stayed with me through it all and never gets annoyed with me and I'm really grateful for that. If I have a problem with him all I have to do is tell him and he apologizes and fixes it so we don't really argue much and when we do it smooths over fast. He doesn't have very much dating experience, but I'm not the first girl he has dated. But I heard from his friend that he said I'm the first girl he's dated that he truly loves. I'm also the first girl he's ever kissed. He tells me secrets that he hasn't told anyone else. I feel really guilty about this and I'm never going to do this again, but one time I looked through his phone and there wasn't anything bad on it but there was a text convo with an unsaved contact, a girl, and I looked through it. In it, he said "I can't date you btw" and she said "aww why not" and he said "I'm taken" and she said "well maybe in the future" and he said "Nah I love my gf, she's just like me and I think we will last a really long time" and then he never texted her again. (I still feel really guilty for looking through his phone because I know it's wrong and I'm never doing it again)Even though I have grown much more comfortable with him since we started dating, I still have worries and doubts. He is not really physically affectionate with me...he will kiss me on the top of my head before we say goodbye and he will cuddle with me VERY rarely, and he has only kissed me 3 times in our entire relationship. He hardly ever texts me which confuses me, because I always thought that if a guy was truly into a girl he would text her and call her a lot.He also just has a generally aloof personality, and sometimes it makes me feel like he doesn't care as much about me. I was upset about something the other day and he asked me what was wrong but he just seemed so carefree even though I was upset. We talked briefly about why I was upset (one of the reasons being I was feeling like he didn't care about me as much as I do him) and he said that he has just been busy and stressed with other stuff but we didn't talk about it long enough for it to really get resolved. So after talking briefly about it he had to leave, and I've been waiting for him to text me or call me or ANYTHING so we could keep talking about it to resolve it, but he hasn't and it's been a day, and I know he most likely won't contact me tomorrow either. I'm wondering if I have valid reasons to think he doesn't care or if I'm just being paranoid and irrational and needy. What do you think? Thanks very much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): You are being irrational and paranoid and needy. You should learn to soothe your own emotions, not to go to him for endless reassurance. It is not his job to have a 2 hour discussion evey time somethong bothers you especially when you're easily bothered. No one can keep going like that indefinitely. Sooner or later it will wear him down and he will start to disloke being in this relationship. So you need to learn to get a grip before you suffocate him.
If you're unhappy with the amount of attention he is willing to give you then that means he is not the guy for you and you should break up and seek someone who likes to have more constant contact. Rather than trying to mold him into what you want.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (25 August 2013):
 Okay, first, don't beat yourself up about checking the phone. You had a moment of weakness but you found nothing, so no harm no foul.
Second, don't interpret his not coming to a good resolution with your issues as he didn't care, he just had no time to deal with the conversation and you tacked on additional stressors that were bugging you-maybe it got a little lost in the shuffle. I would bring up the topic again with him and say that you didn't feel like you two resolved things last time and tell him you want more affection, attention, etc. Make it reasonable, like janniepeg says you shouldn't have unhealthy demands like 10 texts/calls a day, but once a day seems reasonable. Consider taking sexual initiative-- YOU kiss HIM, YOU wrap your arms around HIM, etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): It's completely normal to feel the way you do. I think that he does care about you, but in his own way. I do find it strange though that he doesn't "pursue" you that much. A relationship isn't all about the physical part, that's true, but it is a great part of it. Now that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you and maybe he is indeed really stressed out, but he should at least find a bit of time to text you goodnight, for example.
So i think the only way to resolve this is indeed talking about it and being as honest with each other as possible. Tell him that you want to meet up, open your heart to him and then tell him that you want him to be completely honest with you as to why he acts so distant.
I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 August 2013):
 You are not paranoid and he is not aloof. You have to accept that relationships will never be as much a priority for a man as for a woman. He will tell people that he is your boyfriend for long term, but his focus should be outside goals and ambitions. A guy who texts and calls 10 times a day is often a guy who is insecure, controlling and that makes the relationship co dependent.
I think he is not physically affectionate with you because he worries it will lead to sex and you don't have a place for this? Maybe he's the type of guy who feels that waiting means respecting.
Your boyfriend is comfortable with this pace. It seems like the way a guy shows love is only in being faithful, and agreeing to the status. Asking more to that of a young guy could be too much. You want affections, texting, constant caring, but what a young guy is capable of is just staying in the relationship and not dating others. You have to be realistic and learn how a man's brain is wired.
Of course you have the power to decide whether he is doing enough. If you are not satisfied you can end it. But don't expect the next guy to be much better.
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