A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel really upset right now and don't know whether I am justified in feeling this way.Yesterday (for the royal wedding) my boyfriend and I (been together 15 months) got invited to my cousin's bbq. Meanwhile he also got an invite to attend his friend's bbq. We decided we would go to his friend's till 4 o'clock to 5ish time and then head to my cousin's after.However, when we got to his friend's it was kind of segregated so that the men sat together and the women sat at the other end of the garden. He was having a ball with his male friends and to be honest, I only knew one girl there and although I get along ok with her we don't really share the same sense of humour. There was another girl there too who I was talking to, but to be honest I didn't have a lot in common with her either, but I made the best of the situation by chatting and making conversation with them both and left my man to have a laugh cause I understand that it's his friends and he is enjoying himself.However, my usually very affectionate boyfriend (in public aswell not just in private) was very tunnel visioned and didn't seem to notice me much for a whole 4-5 hours. When he walked past me he did ask me if I wanted my drink topping up and sort of touched my head as he was walking past, but other than that he never came over and asked if I was ok or having fun etc - it was almost a though he wouldn't have cared if I were there or not as he was having such a ball.Most of the other girlfriend/wives's husbands came over at some point and gave them a kiss and asked what they were talking about etc, not so on my boyfriend's behalf.I was trying not to mind but I had a really empty insecure feeling in my stomach that was making it hard for me to relax.Later on when it got to 4 o'clock I asked him what time we were leaving and he grumply said to me "Dunno yet. Another hour or so" - then when he finally rung his dad to give us a lift to my cousin's, I asked him if he'd rung his Dad and he said "Yea" really blunt and abrupt.When we left his friend's house he did put his arms around me but I could tell he had an edge to him as he didn't want to leave. To be honest when we got to my cousin's, it wasn't exactly thrilling cause hardly anyone had turned up and the people that had weren't mine and my boyfriend's cup of tea so to speak.He kept rolling his eyes saying "wish I'd stayed at Gary's now. don't you?" and I just was honest and said "no cause I wasn't having the best time there either." and then he said "well next time you can go to your cousin's and I'll go to my mates" which really upset me cause we're meant to be a team - words which he has said before.So one hour and a half into being at my cousin's and I just felt so down. He was looking really p*ssed off and kept saying "this is shit" under his breath. So with me feeling on edge with it all, I made our excuses to my cousin and we walked home.All the way home he was in an edgy grumpy mood - like the slightest thing I'd say to him would fire him up so I kept my mouth shut and tried to act normal. He didn't hold my hand and was really cold and distant with me. When we got back to mine he stuck the snooker on the telly and sat with his arms folded in a bad mood, which he blamed on a headache. Maybe i over-react but I just felt so lost and alone.This morning he had the cheek to say to me "give me a cuddle cause you've not been affectionate with me for the past 24 hours" and was really back to his old self - loads of hugs etc, but I just felt like it was too little too late!He asked why i looked down and I told him as nice as possible why I felt like I did and he went off his rocker saying yes he did feel grumpy cause my cousin's party was shit and he had to leave a great party to go to it. I tried to explain to him why I felt he put me on edge but honestly he just doesn't get it. He thinks i just don't like him having a laugh with his mates and thinks I've over reacted and has said "hope you're not going to be down for the rest of the weekend and ruin it" and "why can't we just be happy - I've not really done a lot wrong - fair enough I shouldn't have been grumpy but so what. I was having a good time at Gary's and didn't want to leave, surely you can understand that!sorry this is so long and thanks for reading if you've got this far. I am on Cipramil for depression, (which is what he reckons is the reason I'm bothered) but did I overreact or what?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): Hello everyoneI am the original OP to this question.First I'd like to thank everyone who replied to this question - I didn't think anyone would reply as it was so long. But all your replies have been very helpful in enabling me to gain a different perspective.CindyCares: Your answer stood out the most to me because of the fact you mentioned that my happiness or sadness cannot depend on another person's actions. I agree with you here, but I don't know how to seperate how I feel from my boyfriend's actions. Friday evening I literally was feeling so low thinking thoughts of how can he love me if he treats me like this. Extreme, I know, but I don't know how to stop these all or nothing feelings. Maybe it is part of my depression - but I have always been somewhat high maintanence in that I am on the look out for signs that the person I care about is taking advantage. It also upsets me that I can't know in my own heart and mind whether or not I am right to feel how I feel without asking the opinion of others. It's like I don't trust my own opinion and reading some of the replies, I was probably right not to totally trust my own thoughts on whether I am right or wrong in this situation.I do get the impression that my boyfriend has one rule for him and another for me. Sort of like he has got to be the one in control sometimes and that kind of grinds me down. For example, if I had behaved like he did at his friend's party (saying "this is shit" etc) he would have been most angry at me and probably would have told me to go on my own to my cousin's; but I didn't, I just tried to make the best of the situation whilst I was there. Also because I have depression, I don't think my boyfriend understands the whole nature of the illness and he gets really annoyed if I am tearful etc, which just makes me feel worse. His attitude about Friday was "well I am a good boyfriend 98% of the time, and just one time I do something slightly wrong and I get all this hassle" - when I said that I felt he had let me down, he said "letting you down would have been saying I'm staying here, you can go to your cousin's on your own."Anyways just want to say thanks again for taking the time to reply. Lisa xx
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 May 2011):
 Well yes, I think you have over reacted . I guess it's due to your depression that makes you oversensitive, and read a lot into every gesture or word. It's like you have been counting exactly how many hugs, how many cuddles, how many smiles and checking carefully if he was meeting a union- predetermined minimal amount of PDA etc.
Mind you, not to say that your bf acted above reproach, he could have been more attentive to your needs, he should not have been grumpy etc.etc. But, as he explained you simply and sincerely, he is only human, he was having a great time at Gary's , and he regretted he had to leave to go somewhere else where he was not having fun. He could have handled the disappointment more graciously, he did not- end of story. So, your bf has flaws. What a big surprise . And, he gets in a bad mood when things don't go according to his expectations. Hardly surprising,that too. You do exactly the same ! It's human nature !
Again, I think maybe it's the depression that makes you so vulnerable and you have my best wishes for a prompt recovery. But, when you DO feel better, please realize that you can't, just can't, so totally relinquish into some loved one's hands the power, and the big responsibility, to make you miserable or ecstatic according how much attention they give you, or how much they conform to your expectations. That's a recipe for psychological disaster.
Plus, frankly I think your bf is right, you don't need to be joined at the hips. You are a team, not Siamese twins. If you are secure in your relationship,in your mutual love, in how much you value each other, you can handle , in fact even welcome, the occasional times when your couple would benefits from some space. If , once in a blue moon, he likes to hang out with the homies, - why do you need to tag along and get bored , being with people whom you can't connect with ? Why not letting him do his thing, - and you do your thing,something else that you like ?
It does not mean that you don't love each other or that the relationship is frail, if you two don't like and do exactly the same things at exactly the same times ALWAYS.
A healthy relationship is one where two different individualities manage to get along while maintaining and respecting their individuality, not one where two people give up each and any of their personal preferences,tastes, even quirks- to become fusional and act if they were ONE person.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (30 April 2011):
 no. u didnt overreact. he acted very childish in fact. yes he had a good time at garys,but disregarded the fact that u didn't.
Tell him next time u agree that u will go to such events separetely since u didnt have fun at garys,although u tried ur best to do so,and he didnt have fun at ur cousins,although he didnt try much.
he will be devastated! maybe he wont say anything but next time an event like this occurs,just remind him that ur not inviting him since he doesnt have fun. He will be upset.
Sometimes its not a conversation that can change things. Actions speak louder than words. Ur boyfriends behavior at the BBQ was unnacceptable. Back home,u should be the one pissed. U let him have his cake.
Read Why men love bitches
and why men marry bitches
good luck
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 April 2011):
 I would be wary of his mood. I would understand feeling disappointed about leaving but grumpy, and fired up? After 4 to 5 hours of partying and still not satisfied? I wouldn't expect my man to always read my mind but I think his words were insensitive. It's all about him and what he wants.
Your question? Right or wrong for what? For going to your cousin's party?
You are wrong for not speaking your mind, expressing your truth, asserting yourself and letting him not treat you as priority.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): No, you're not overreacting, it sounds like he was out of character at the party. Of course he had the right to enjoy himself with his mates but he should have at least acknowledged your feelings when you told him. It sounds immature of him to not only not acknowledge your feelings but also to blame you for them--"ruin it"? "not really done a lot wrong"? "but so what"? He needs to learn a bit of sensitivity... If things like this don't happen often and you guys are usually fine, then I guess don't worry too much... try to communicate more and tell him exactly what you would like from him.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (30 April 2011):
 Hello, I don't think it was anyone's fault really. You see, by doing the two parties, you both tried to please everyone. He was at his friends and enjoyed the time,(they are his friends) and he was probably compromised by having to leave them. Hence the mood!! The next party was dull and boring so he was sad that he left the first one where he knew them all and was having fun. For you, it's just a shame that there was no body at the first party that you could have enjoyed talking to. He obviously got caught up in the fun and then wrongly vented his frustration on you. I think he is trying to make amends now so perhaps its best to let things go and make up. In future, think carefully,(both of you) regards trying to please two different sets of people at the same time. It's difficult, it's a shame but I'd let things go now. Best wishes, Hannah.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): If you could see he was having fun with his friends, why not be the bigger person and suggest he stayed at his friend's bbq? You would have scored major points as his girlfriend! Guys will resent if you get lost and alone just from hanging out with a few friends because they aren't right by your side. Once you start trying to curb their freedom and guilt them into why they shouldn't enjoy it, they develop commitment phobia when it comes to taking your relationship to the next level...engaged, marriage. When you got insecure and saw he was having a good time with his buddies, you just have to make the best of it and then you can laugh about it later and talk about how boring the women there were. Be upset all you want but this man WILL push you away eventually if you need him to make you feel safe and secure socially.
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