A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:I think my dad realizes I'm gay but I'm not sure. My dad is the kind of person who makes fun of everyone so I can't tell if I'm paranoid. My bedroom door locks but you have to shut it just right or it swings open if someone walks by too hard. When I was 15 my mom accidentally opened the door on me and started talking. I had ear buds in and didn't hear the knock. I was under the covers so I took them out and she said "no more headphones" and shut the door. Dad made fun of me for weeks. I couldn't take a piss or a shower without a comment.I'm 17 now and there's this guy Benji I used to play basketball with. He came over to fix our computers and clear mine. I knew what he would see so I told him. He's seen really gross stuff and tells everyone but won't say who so I knew he wouldn't out me. What he did was sit next to me and whisper things in my ear. Teasing mostly. He's straight but completely hot and he knows it. Benji says nothing about me being gay and swears he'll tell no one.Somehow, Dad could tell my State of mind after Benji left. First thing out of his mouth was "need a cold shower?" I was just like "no. I'm good". My childhood friend Mia comes over a lot and we talk and hang out. Mom and dad both had to leave and mom said "be good". We always have been. Mia has hinted around too with things like "So if you liked guys would you think Benji was cute?" Or "if someone was gay I wouldn't care". Both times I changed the subject and she dropped it.Something gay related comes on TV or Dad finds it online (not porn) and he asks me what I think. There were pictures on my aunt's phone of a bachelorette party and she showed everyone because she was drunk. I guess I looked too long because dad pulled me aside and asked if I had a favorite. I said I had no idea.If my mom knew she probably wouldn't care. Probably. She works at a breakfast restaurant next to a gay bar and lots of her customers are gay The worst thing she's done is give strangers rides because she thinks they're too drunk. My dad makes fun of everyone equally so I don't know what to think. He's not mean, just says embarrassing things.Do you think they know and are waiting for me to say? Should I say something? How?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2020): Honestly, to me, you seem like a lovely, kind and considerate young man. Someone I would be proud of if you were my son. I am sure your parents think exactly the same.
Your dad enjoys humour. It seems like he takes the piss out of himself aswell as other people. He doesn’t seem to care about what others think of him. Most dads are embarrassing to their children. Mine embarrassed me when I was younger but as I grew older it became a trait I quite envied. Not particularly the part where he embarrassed me, but the part in which he wasn’t afraid to be who he is. The picture he sent to your coach was about him making a fool of himself and not you. You did not need to think about quitting the team because of that. Your coach is an adult. He probably had a little laugh at the picture, new it was New Years and your dad was drunk and moved on with his life and didn’t take too much notice.
You seem to take after your mum and are a bit more sensitive. Your mum knows that your dad can be embarrassing at times and has learnt over the years to ‘reign’ him In. Again my parents were the same. My mum only had to give my dad ‘the look’ and he would stop.
If he embarrasses you just talk to your mum and she will work her magic that she has acquired over the years and get him to stop.
Your family seem like a pretty normal family to me. Your mum comes to your games because she loves you and wants to see you play. She may moan and may get cold, but I guarantee that she will always turn up and support you. Your parents do love you and I hope you see that.
Honey I know your scared and I know coming out to your parents is very hard. Do you feel ready to come out? If you do, you can always stay small. Maybe come out to your friend Mia first? She seems like a lovely young lady and will be happy you told her. Then she can help support you for when you do tell your parents. Having that support will help you massively. Just make sure you do all this at your own pace
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2020): Parents who love and know their kids may be suspicious; and may not come right-out and tell you. Like your parents, the majority will hint around, observe your behavior, try to match you up; meanwhile, they'll prepare themselves for the moment you're ready to tell them. Stricter or homophobic-parents will panic, and may go out of their way to make sure they intervene before that dreaded Thanksgiving dinner, or the Christmas you bring home a new "roommate" or "friend."
The description of your parents seems quite sweet and very typical. They have let you know in subtle ways, they sort of know; but they are not yanking you out of the closet. They don't want to traumatize you; and they also know that at the ages 14-17, teenagers can be fluid in their sexuality. Most may not establish their true sexual-orientation until they're somewhat older. Usually in college! Unless you are extremely afraid of coming-out to them; and decide to hide it from them, until they tell you that they think you are. The giveaway is there is no girlfriend, or you never show any particular interest in dating.
When I told my father, he told me he and my mother knew. They know all their children. My mom died when I was only 17; I never got to confirm her suspicions. I was told I had a pretty face, and guys used to throw me kisses to tease me in school. I was never bullied, and I was a loner. Kept my head down, and tried to avoid eye-contact. Girls loved to be around me; and played with my hair(I wore it long), or they told me I was cute. I was totally terrified, it seemed everyone had a clue, or some suspicion. The truth is, it was mostly my own paranoia!
One day, I asked my older sister did I seem effeminate? She told me I seem like any other guy to her. My older brothers used to tease and wrestle with me to toughen me up. They taught me how to defend myself...they told me I was sort of "delicate?!!" At least they were honest, and they love me; and took it well when I came-out to them. They all met my partner. I told dad first, and we kept it secret; until I was ready to tell the rest. Just him and my siblings, no cousins, aunts, or uncles. Let them guess!
People pickup little clues; and like your friend Mia, some have surprisingly accurate gay-dar! It's fine with Mia. You seem to be surrounded by love.
You don't really need to rush coming-out to anybody; until you are mentally and psychologically comfortable about it. Let people think what they want. Your friends seem to accept you as you are; and you still don't need to feel pressured about telling anybody until you are sure yourself.
I believe your parents know, love you, and your dad is cool! Like mine was!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2020): Original Poster Ethan:
My dad is always embarrassing. He's not really a boozer but we live in a run down but ok neighborhood. We're not poor, dad is an electrician. He mostly works for whatever Catholic Church asks him to so no steady job but always working. So when bars were open we always went. Normal neighborhood family bars. I ate a lot of cheese sticks and learned to shoot a mean game of pool at age 10. Bowled my first perfect game at 14. Dad only has six beers and mom drinks nothing. Dad always gets loud and embarrassing butt all mom has to say is "Jason" or "keys" and he calms down. He makes fun of everyone including me, my mom, the barmaid at K of C Hall and as soon as Mom uses her "I'm done" voice Dad shuts up. On valentine's day seventh grade he picked me up in his truck in his uniform but he was wearing a headband with sparkly hearts. He also picked up Mia. She was laughing but I was embarrassed. Dad all dead pan said "what? Did you buy her a flower?" I did not. Never occurred to me. He took us into a flower shop bought her a pink rose and made me give it to her. New years freshman year I ran cross country. I mean I ran cross country in the fall. New years dad did get drunk and took a toilet selfie. Wearing a tiera and a pink feather boa. Thankfully you saw nothing else. But it was obviously a toilet selfie. He sent it to Coach Sparks my cross country coach. WHY? He sent it to everyone. I mean I realize he was drunk but Jesus! He explained he was making fun of himself. Coach Sparks told me me laughed a little but drunk happens so he really really thought no less of me and didn't want me to quit the team. Assured me that for later in the year I'm one of the best high jumps he's seen since 1994. St Paddy's Day dad dresses like a damn leprechaun. Ok, he's only 5'10 and I hit 6'7" but Dad is... Heavy. Like 275. Doesn't stop him from always running around in sweat shorts and a beater even when we have guests. Mom in is actually ok and probably too sensitive. She gets embarrassed FOR people. She is ALWAYS covered because she is always cold. The most naked anyone sees her is in a sleeveless dress that covers her knees when she's sitting. She prefers to be barefoot. She hits 5'10" like my dad but that's tall for a woman but is maybe 130. So always cold. That's why I feel bad she goes along to baseball and hockey games with us. I can tell sports bore her to death but she goes anyway. She likes watching me run cross country, high jump, liked watching me play basketball. When dad drags her to a hockey game she shivers miserably and gets worried over every fight. At baseball games she talks about how slow the game moves. She totally hates sports but goes anyway. Meanwhile Dad elbows me and goes "see that Hernandez guy? Outfielder? Baseball uniform does nothing to hide his boner" "hey son, pitcher keeps f**King up bc he's showboating". Worst was when a ball came flying into the stands. All I know is I popped up, leaped over some poor old lady and caught it. No one got kicked in the face. It was just local minor league baseball but I got an auto graph. The gay fell out and I said "wow you have nice teeth up close" WHO SAYS THAT?? I kept the ball but dad never left it alone till mom looked at dad and just said "Jason".
That's the type of parents I have and that is how gay I am. I don't know what to do
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 June 2020):
 I believe that most of the time parents have suspicions. Maybe they don't say anything but they are probably thinking things..probably hoping that their child will come and talk to them. I honestly think that moms are much more sensitive and pick up on these things sooner than dads. I'm speaking from my experience having 2 kids. It wouldn't surprise me that your dad wants to talk to you about it but doesn't quite know how. Your parents sounds like nice people and I have a feeling that they will support you. I just don't think that they want to bring up the subject unless you do.
If you feel safe enough then go to your parents and ask to chat with them. I know it will be so hard and so scary but trust me...most parents really love their children and just want them to be happy. Honest they do. I hope you have faith that they will accept you. I wish you all the best sweetie.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2020): Sorry accidentally sent what I wrote without finishing. To follow on what I said above.
If you feel you are ready to come out and want to say something. Then sit both your parents down and just speak from the heart. Tell them you are gay and would like them to know. I bet your dad won’t even say anything to embarrass you during this conversation. It’s a conversation he clearly wants to have and he will want to show you love and support. It’s just his handling of getting that conversation started that he is having difficulty with. Your dad is trying to get you to open up anyway. If they had a problem with it they would not of let that boy in your room.
Your friend Mia seems to know too and is letting you know that she’s ok with it too in her own way.
If you are ready, I say bite the bullet and just come out.
Be who you are, accept who you are and love who you are.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2020): Hi There
I think your parents know you are gay or at least are suspicious.
To me it seems like your dad is urging you to come out to them. He doesn’t know quite how to handle it so uses ‘jokes’ instead of having to have a serious conversation with you. Men tend to use humour in their friendship groups and like to ‘tease each other’. In a weird way it seems like your dad is getting you to open up about it by letting you know that he knows. Whereas your mom knows better and realises you will when you are ready.
If your dad had a problem with you being gay, I think he would either not say any comments about it or his comments would be less playful and more serious.
Let your dad know if these comments are hurting you. As I said, he just doesn’t know how to talk to you about it properly. But it doesn’t seem like he wants to hurt you. Humour seems to be his default mechanism, my dad is exactly the same. By making jokes about it is his weird way of letting you know he is ok with it and he isn’t angry and doesn’t take it too seriously.
It’s not the correct way to handle things at all, but everyone deals with things differently.
Saying that, you should come out when you are ready. If you are not at the moment then either ignore your dads comments or tell him they hurt you if they do. Or maybe talk to your mom about it first.
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