A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I dont really have anyone I can talk to as I've never really spoken about the reasons why my relationship ended. I'm feeling a bit lost and confused and lonely at the moment and very scared of the future. I was in a relationship for 9years. At the start everything was great...we went on holidays ..had lots of date nights..went to restaurants etc etc ..life was good. I thought I loved this guy. He was my first boyfriend. I was 21..he was a few years older than me.We then were moving in together but I found out he had cheated on me (she told me when he ended it with her). He lied to my face. He eventually admitted the cheating...he told me it was a one off. I tried to end it but somehow he made me feel guilty...I was scared of being on my own I guess.. which looking back I was stupid. I confided in a friend and he made me feel so.guilty for telling her and didnt want me to see this friend anymore and said everyone would hate him. I know think that was really controlling and cant believe I felt bad...I now feel angry and he cheated on me and feel he should of admitted his mistake. Stupidly I took him back and we moved in together and things were good again...he bought me jewellery and flowers and we went out alot and holidays and things were happy for a bit. But then one day we were cooking and the dish went wrong he smashed the plates and threw the dinner and blamed me for it going wrong. He then started going out with this girl he said was a friend and few months later I actually find out she was his ex...theh both lied to me. Then he was drinking alot and I felt I was treading on egg shells around him...he blamed me for everything eg the cleaning wasnt good enough ..he did the cooking ...I did all the housework but hed say I didnt do it right and it would be embarrassing if his mum came round and the glass wasnt clean properly (she hated me) he blamed me when he didnt collect his parcel from the post office as he said I was selfish and should of thought about him and collected it for him and I was incompetent. He was drunk alot and disappeared for whole nights coming back at midday the next day then would call me jealous and get angry if I questioned him and say I was throwing the cheating back at him and should forgive and forget. I'd had enough and actually wanted him to cheat on me so I had a solid reason to leave.i was very unhappy. He made me feel worthless and useless. One night when he was drunk ..I was asleep he came and kept turning the lights on and said I was selfish for going to bed and not watching a film with him. I looked at his phone (I shouldn't of done but I wanted evidence) and found he had been chatting to his ex again who he lied about being an ex and asking her if she was single. I found the texts between him and the girl he cheated with and it had actually been going on for 6months not a one off like he told me a d I found this dating app where he had received explicit videos on and was talking to multiple girls. I confronted him and said he downloaded it to see if I was looking at his phone as he knew I'd say something if I found it and then hed know I was snooping in his stuff. He was drunk more than he was sober (he blamed me for his drinking)...i packed my stuff and left him. Since hes messaged me saying he doesnt know why we broke up. I didnt reply and dont have any contact with him anymore. Everyone seems confused to why we broke up and I dont know how to explain it. I feel the relationship wasnt healthy and I was not happy. I feel.somtimes I got things out of proportion as hed play it down the next day and hed always blame the drink. He said I should of been more supportive of him. I just felt like everything was always my fault. He scared me sometimes..like he punched holes in all our doors when he was drunk and smashed a chair up although he was never physical aggressive to me. But before all that he was supportive and caring and I dont know where it all went wrong really. I feel I should of left the relationship 3years earlier than I did. I feel i was stupid and weak. I still feel confused looking back. He says it was my fault he cheated as I didnt sleep with him...the truth was I stopped loving him and he stank of booze and fags. I still cared though. I begged him to get help for his drinking but he wouldn't. He was drinking 3 plus bottles of wine a night. I hated it when he disappeared and hed always say his phone died. I just dont know anymore.. I feel confused about it all. I know it was right to leave and I dont want him back. I just dont feel like I have closure and have all the confused mixed feelings.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2020): I know this is hard but you should be PROUD you left this man.
Blaming you for everything that happens, smashing plates near you, scaring you, saying you are doing everything wrong - is ABUSE!!
Whether he was drunk or not, actually hit you or not. It is abuse. You should never treat your partner like that. He clearly only cares about himself and doesn’t value you at all.
I don’t know you, but I am proud you left this man. You realised what YOU deserved. You know that YOU deserve respect and love. Good for you.
Breakups are hard. But know, it’s not the real him you miss. It was the him at the beginning of the relationship. He is not that person, he has shown you his real self now. He will never change. You will be wasting your time if you think he can be that person again.
Don’t ever contact this man again. Block him from contacting you on everything. Don’t fall for his tears, begging, empty promises. Because he is doing it for himself, not for you. He will get you where he wants you again and he will go back to his drunken, nasty self.
It will take time. But you will eventually get over this horrible man and find someone who actually loves and cares about you.
It’s no ones business why you two broke up. If you don’t want to discuss it, then just say it wasn’t working. End of.
Do not blame yourself for making mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Learn from it and move forward. As for closure - truth is there is no such thing. Even if there was, all you would get is lies from him anyway.
Stay strong. It will get easier
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2020): P.S.
Closure is the day you walked out that door, and didn't look back!
Over-discussing it, and demanding an explanation; when you've seen everything with your own eyes, and heard it with your own ears! He kept choosing her!!! He cheated on you! The end!
Girlfriend! If that isn't closure, I don't know what is!
Demanding "closure" is often an excuse to open the door and let him back in. Nothing bothers you more than thinking they're together. He's a drunken, violent, chair-pitching cheater!
Case closed!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2020): Self-blaming and calling yourself stupid is counterproductive. STOP IT!!!
All that matters is that you've come to your senses and did what was right; no matter how uncomfortable you feel about being alone.
Breaking-up is a process. It's detaching from someone you've grown a strong bonding and connection to. You are emotionally-linked, and time strengthens that bond and connection; making it all the more deeper emotionally and psychologically.
For too many people, love changes into dependency. That's unhealthy. Relationships with people aren't meant to protect you, cure your insecurities, or to compensate for your flaws and weaknesses. That's a heavy burden and responsibility we place on others; when we ourselves need work, are deficient in self-confidence, and suffer from a low self-esteem. A relationship is not a place to hide from the challenges of life; because you won't have the survival-skills and strength to fend for yourself if someone abandons you. Or, if you have to kick a no-good so-in-so the the curb...as you had to! It was delayed and late-coming; but better late than never!
Breaking-up is like getting over an addiction cold-turkey. In-fact, it is the exact same-thing; and the very same brain-chemicals are involved when you suffer withdrawal from narcotic addictive-drugs. Dopamine and other endorphins are produced when we fall in-love. Once you've become attached, cutting-off that supply is like snatching a needle full of heroin from an addict. They'll start to show withdrawal. Your doubt and second-guessing is withdrawal. Missing what's bad for you makes no sense; but the heart is foolish. I always say, "the foolish heart wants what it wants!" Even if it could kill you!!! I have to remind women that men who have rages and explosions of temper, who break things, and throw things in tantrums; are very capable of hurting you. It's a matter of time before that dreadful moment!
It's like a gorilla beating his chest. It warns the foe that you are messing with a dangerous beast; and he will pound the living-daylights out of you! Breaking things is rage out of control! It's meant to frighten and intimidate. It's demonstrating strength and aggression!
You've weakened to his pleading too many times before. What did it get you?
Stop relenting and feeling sorry for yourself. Stop treating singleness like you're in banishment, or have been sentenced to isolation. Had you achieved an appreciation for your independence before committing to a relationship; you'd have more reserve-strength to live-on, while you recover from your pain. Now dig deep for that inner-strength, sweetheart! It's there! You've pushed it down too deep to feel it at the moment. You've surrendered everything over to him! I didn't think I had it in me either! Yet I did! Your determination to move on will kick-in; because self-preservation is a powerful built-in instinct. We all have it, unless we easily give-up. It's easy to say "time will heal;" but it isn't so easy for everybody. It takes longer for some. Knowing he lied and kept choosing her over you...use that anger as fuel! Knowing they cheated like you were nothing, use that to fuel your determination to let him go! Completely!
Capitulating and giving-in to your pain without a fight? That's a sign of dependency, and relying too much on others to take care of you. Surrendering everything in you to their mercy. Empowering them to do as they please with your feelings and emotions. You can love without abdicating or renouncing your identity and self-awareness. Fearing loneliness like the plague makes you desperate and foolish. Reckless with your heart. Any man will take it, and stomp on it. Guard your heart, with tenderness; and use wisdom and discernment to be sure the guardian of your heart deserves it. Only God deserves that kind of reverence and devotion, not mankind. Making any human being the center of your universe will cost you everything!
That's too much power. They'll manipulate you and use your emotions against you. You found-out early-on, but pride made you compete with his ex. You both began to fight over a total loser. It confounds me that the men in the middle of these triangles are useless sacks of dirt; but everyone behaves like he's a sack of gold. When someone has violated your trust and broke your heart over and over; there is nothing to grieve about, but the damage they've done to your well-being. The peace they've stolen from you. Nine years was enough, and your return for the investment is zero. So, write it off! Yes it is hard, but if I hadn't been through it myself; I wouldn't have the nerve or the gall to come here and answer your post.
Remember this:
1 Corinthians 13:4-5: “Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
If you aren't giving it this way, or getting it this way; then it isn't love.
Allow yourself to purge your emotions. Let them flow. Then fightback!!! Pull yourself together, and be determined to survive and find love again. You will do better, but not until you learn who you are; and feel better about that person. Love yourself, not in a conceited way; but because you are good, loving, and capable of caring deeply for someone who deserves it. Fill the void with the love of God, your family, and your friends. Romance will find its way back to you, but be fit and ready for it. Do not depend on others, give trust as it is earned and returned.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 June 2020):
 OP, you DID leave.
Yes it took you WAY longer than YOU feel you should have and perhaps WAYS longer than SOME other women might have but we aren't talk about SOME other woman, this is about you.
Yes you should have left the MOMENT he cheated on you the first time. But you were young and inexperienced. And you aren't the first to be cheated on or led to believe it was a mistake or one time off...
THIS is now, that was then. You need to STOP beating yourself up. It won't help you move forward or become a healthy person who can have a healthy relationship.
You ask what do you tell others? The truth. How much of it is up to you. I'd go with the "our relationship wasn't healthy and I was miserable". If they ask why, you can decide how much you want to tell. Other people, however, DO NOT need to know what went wrong. They might want to and if they are supportive people they can perhaps help you move forward. If they are just curious? It's entirely up to you.
He sounds like a person who can charm a women and when she is "hooked" he switches to his true self, a manipulative drunk. It's EVERYONE else fault he is drink, he blames everyone else for his own failures to control the "narrative" of his life.
The thing is... this isn't about his no more. He is (THANK GOODNESS!!) out of your life. Keep it that way!
Now it's time to have some introspective time. To try and work out WHY you ignored all the red flags.
You said :"I was scared of being on my own I guess". It's not uncommon for women to stay with a partner who is toxic because they fear the unknown, rather stay with the "devil they know". And you were 21 when al this started.
It's a RED flag if someone try to isolate you from friends.
It's a RED flag if someone smashes plates and yell.
It's a red flag if a partner start to hang out with a person of the opposite sex (especially if they have cheated before)
It's a RED flag if someone continuously tells you that you are not good enough or do things wrong (if they don't show you the RIGHT way to do things) Because yes, it could be you did things a little wrong when cleaning NO ONE is born knowing how to clean a house. But if he just said you do things wrong to put you down, it's a red flag.
I could go on and on pointing out the red flags but I think you honestly know them.
I would advice you to journal. Write thing down and analyze them. WHY did you think you HAD to stay when you weren't happy with the relationship? Why did it take you so long to "wake up" and leave?
I think part of it was inexperience and part of it a sort of codependency. You wanted to make it work. You wanted to be the best partner you could be. And you believed his WORDS and IGNORED his actions. Because he was really GOOD with words.
Many of us have been in unhealthy relationship at some point in our lives. Those with stronger sense of self leave fast. Or faster.
So that is another thing to work on. You. Being independent. KNOWING your limits. Not settling for being treated less than you treat others. KNOWING that walking away is sometimes the right thing.
A friend of mine were in a shitty relationship for a long long time. When she finally left I asked her what happened. And she told me she felt she HAD to stay and MAKE it work. That quitting was like giving up on herself. Until one day where she realized that leaving was NOT giving up on herself, staying was.
It took you a while to get there, but you did. Next time? You will know better. Hopefully, you will also pick a better partner.
You can't blame yourself for HIS behavior. It will get you no-where. You CAN blame yourself until the cows come home but it will get you no-where. Instead, work on WHAT you want in a partner, in a relationship. On what is healthy and what is not. You already KNOW what is not healthy.
He wasn't the good person YOU thought he was, that you wanted him to be.
Take this whole relationship as a LEARNING experience. LEARN from it.
And do go into a new relationship until you have FORGIVEN yourself for having dated him and stayed with him for a long as you did. Don't hold the NEXT guy responsible for what this ex did.
You ask why you feel so confused. Because you are conflicted. His manipulative and corrosive behavior became the norm. You recognized that is was toxic but you didn't TRUST yourself enough to walk away, until you did. If you get USED to being treated like dirt, it becomes norm. His behavior became the "norm" Even when you knew deep down it didn't sit right with you. Learning to say no is important but so is listening to that inner voice.
Finding a therapist might help give you some tools to move forward. If you can't do that or there is a LONG wait list, it's an option to look for some self-improvement books, to talk to friends and family. You might find they are a lot more supportive than you think.
None of us are born knowing everything. We learn as we go. Some have good role-models in parents and family, others don't, so some people need to figure things out for themselves.
You DID the right thing. And I'm happy for you.
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