A
male
age
51-59,
*panky25
writes:I'm tired of asking the wife and keep getting turned down for sex. We have sex 1-2 per month, I get a BJ approx. 2 times per month.Again, i am not keeping score. I know EVERYONE is different. But, is that something to complain about? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2012): It seems like it is something to complain about if you're a halfway decent husband, you attend to her needs in bed, etc. But, complaining won't get you anywhere.
If you google married man sex by Athol Kay you'll find a blog with quite a few good suggestions about how to get more interest from your wife. I like his blog because it emphasizes what you have to do to make your wife want to have sex with you. Pressuring her probably won't work.
Having said that, some women will not respond to anything, they just have a low sex drive, or there's something else going on.
My wife had been turning me down frequently, and I got tired of it as well (I'm in your age range, my wife is about 10 years younger) So, I just quit asking or suggesting it. To some extent, I've learned to not think about having sex with her, and I just surf porn instead. I can't say I'm thrilled about the situation, but it has actually helped our relationship because sex had become a source of friction (the wrong kind of friction, unfortunately!)
It can't hurt to try some of the things Athol Kay suggests. If it makes a difference, keep doing it. If it doesn't, just stop asking your wife and accept the fact she's not into it. Surf porn instead. If you can't accept that, you then have to decide if want get divorced. It seems to me that continuing to be unhappy is the worst option.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 If you need it more often than 1-2 times a month then yes... it is something to complain about. If you are happy with 1-2 times a month then no, no need to complain. See my point?
Everyone ARE different, so what you need to focus on is not whether someone else thinks you have lots of sex or not. Its about what YOU feel. If you urge for more, then that's all you need to know. You want more. Then you should talk to your wife about how you and her can meet half way so you are both happy.
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A
male
reader, punksavage  +, writes (3 April 2012):
 Well i think a female would be more willing to have sex maby if you did something romantic or passionate. A girl no matter how old isnt going to get turned on just by asking for it.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 April 2012):
Im 43. My gf is 34. We've been together 5 years, and will be getting married next year. We have sex at least 5-6 times per week. If we dont, there is usually a damn good reason we didnt - eg - one of us is sick, home late from work, etc.
2-4 times per month sure doesnt sound right to me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 April 2012):
 We are in our 40's and it's closer to 3-4 times a week for us, but there have been times where we haven't gotten ANY in a year (he was deployed 3 times) That is after 14 years of marriage btw and 3 kids.
How is your sex life? Do you satisfy her? I can tell you this, if a woman isn't satisfied, if she gets lousy sex her libido dies. Pure and simple. But here is the thing with us "older ladies" we need more then a poke in the back from a hard on and a "wanna?" to get in the mood. ROMANCE your wife, SHOW her you find her sexy, gorgeous, tell her.
When did the sex start to decrease?
I also agree with Auntie , Moo's Mum - read this book, it might open your eyes a little:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/
Men and women want different thing from each other, identifying what you and YOUR partner needs can make all the difference.
And yea you are keeping score. But I don't blame you for that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): Well......... I think so...I would be really starting to wonder if my husband and I only had sex a few times a month (we both have a high sex drive, so I don't know if that makes a difference) .... The only time we go almost 4 days without is once a month when my period is bad enough, it really is best not to engage lol.
Anyway, you have acknowledged the problem...now what can you do to change it and be part of a solution?
We often get into a daily routine, a rut of sorts, busy lives, etc. and forget what attracted us to each other in the first place and slowly fade out all the little things you do for each other... we have tried not to kill that in our relationship...I still get little "love notes" in front of the coffee pot once in a while in the morning after he's already left for work, we still try to go out on dates at least every couple weeks, he tries hard to do things without me having to ask for them to be done, etc. He's not perfect, but the fact that he continues to try, makes a big difference.
I personally get very resentful when I am doing everything in the household, working full time and he comes home and sits his butt on the couch or computer, only gets up to eat dinner that I've prepared and then clean up afterwards, and remains there until bed, and then he wants to do what??? It took me a while to get him to understand it, but once he did, again, made a big difference...a little team work lightens the load and makes me feel appreciated, which makes me want to have more desire for the man I already desire and I love. Simple science for women...often very complex for men...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 April 2012):
 Um… at 41-50 having sexual activity 2-4 times per month is pretty NORMAL.
Are you ASKING “the wife”… “hey baby let’s xxxxx” cause honey that’s not going to cut it for most women…. I see Tisha already addressed that comment. I always found it interesting that my fiancé referred to me as “the girlfriend” for the longest time… and it kept me at a bit of a distance… lately however he’s become possessive of me “MY fiancé” BIG HUGE difference. It was funny to me, I always thought he made it sound like I was THE ONE and ONLY but what it was, it was him keeping me at an emotional distance… it was GENERIC rather than HIS…. Is this a generic interchangeable wife?
Men need a place to have sex, women need a reason. WHAT reason are you giving your wife to have sex???
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): "E.g I love it when my husband does housework for me. Sex is way more on the cards if he's done a bit round the house for me" Ha Ha Ha sounds like blackmail to me, no sex unless you do this and this for me. You women and your empowering self help relationship books that don't create an equal dynamic but instead shift power squarely on 'the wife's' shoulders. Thank God for hookers, all i have to say...
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (3 April 2012):
Per week? Are you kidding me? I think it's twice so far this year. Maybe three times.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (3 April 2012):
 Have you ever read the book "Love Languages?" She isn't getting her emotional tank filled by you so isn't that interested in sex. You have to find out what constitues love for her. "Love Languages" will help you figure it out. E.g I love it when my husband does housework for me. Sex is way more on the cards if he's done a bit round the house for me.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 April 2012):
 "The wife" may be tired of being referred to or addressed as a disparaging label. How about trying to use these terms and making them count? "My love." "My bride." "The love of my life." "My amazing and wonderful woman."
Labeling her with a tag like, "the old ball and chain" or "the wife" will likely result in her fulfilling that role.
Why not start counting how many times you compliment her and compare that with how many times you disparage her and keep THAT score instead? That may be a very instructive tally. Get back to us in a week with that list and include eye rolls and other little jabs at her in the disparaging column.
Good luck with keeping score!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): Hi!
I'm sorry, but you are, in fact, keeping score.
If it was ok for you, you wouldn't be complaining, so I think the best you could do is to talk with her about it.
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