A
female
age
51-59,
*anditbabie
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years the last year living together. He has been divorced for 16 years his children are now 19 and 18 . As of yet I am not included in any of there events graduations football games bday dinners.. He has a friendly relationship with his ex and I respect that. The children I am told like me but are uncomfortable with me meeting there mom . I have brought up the future and ask well when will I be invited to events he says when they get married . The ex doesn't have a boyfriend and I was told even if she did he would not be invited either . The reason for the divorce was her infidelity. I guess I can live with this but somehow feel that in time I ahould be included in things yet I am not a very pushy person and do not want to go where I am not wanted . He loved his children very much and does anything to not make them upset I guess I am afraid things will never change even as they get older and if he doesn't stick up for me now he never will . He says we will eventually get married when money is better and that when they get married I will come but if they don't want me around now what will make them want me around then
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 November 2016):
 I find it odd that your BF and you are OK with you being on the "outside looking in" after 6 years.
It can be the kids feel protective of their mom and feel like having you around at events is like rubbing it in that she is single, that her husband left her and is with you.
What you write doesn't give me a vibe of "the kids love you"... More like they don't know what to do with an extra adult in their lives so they go the easy route and leave that person out, make her the 3rd wheel.
The whole "want the kids to have a normal family life" - well, I call bullshit on that. SO many families are blended, mixed with SEVERAL adults, be it step- parents or simply a new partner for one parent or both. And let's face it... The NORM today is more of often that parents divorce than stay together. IF your BF wanted a "normal nuclear" family, why divorce the wife? Why not work things out FOR THE KIDS? So yes, I call bullshit on that excuse.
Here is the thing. YOUR BF is totally OK with excluding you. His kids and ex-wife are TOTALLY OK with it too. SO that is where you stand.
It's been working for THEM all for 6 years, so it's not so strange.
I DO understand that KIDS (even older ones) want to do things that are important to them with their parents, but I find it rather amazing that your BF is SO OK with it when he knows you feel left out.
I don't think there is much you can do here other than express how it makes you feel. And accept that the kids might like you OK but they don't want to share major moments with you. Are you OK with that?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2016): I don't think it's right that you're excluded, you are in a long term relationship and share a home with him, you are also part of his life and he should consider your feelings.
I could maybe understand if he was newly divorced and the kids were young but its been 16 years and they are grown.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 November 2016):
 If you look at things from the children's perspective, maybe they just don't want to accept that their father has someone else in his life. Even if he does, they'd rather not know her. That is their choice and you cannot force them to change it.
Sometimes children, no matter how grown up they are, have a hard time accepting that Mum and Dad are no longer together but with different people. No one likes to accept that their family is broken and there are other people in it. It's just that some people just deal with it better, some don't.
Why do you even want to be a part of the children's lives when they don't want you? Yes, I know it's not your fault in any way, you're not a home-wrecker, you didn't split up the family. However, all said and done, they don't want you as a part of their lives and you should accept it gracefully rather than forcing yourself to be accepted. You are older than them; be the bigger person, wish them well and stop at that. Even when they get married, don't expect an invitation just because you're a part of their father's life. On the most important day of their lives, they would want both their biological parents to be with them, irrespective of whether or not they're still together as a married couple. I don't think any child would be comfortable with mum and her boyfriend/ husband and dad with his girlfriend/wife. It's a day when they'd look forward to being together as a family, even if it's for a single day.
Don't let this come between your relationship with your boyfriend because your relationship with him is independent of his kids. They will always be a part of his life but probably never of yours. Yes it's complicated but that's what comes when you're dating someone with a past.
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A
female
reader, banditbabie +, writes (8 November 2016):
banditbabie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do believe its the children also because prior to the Florida trip . His 19 year old daughter asked in front me if her dad wanted to go to Disney with her and her mom because while they were there for the game they were going to go to Disney. His response to her was what's wrong with you you know I cannot go to Disney with you what are you thinking . Also I was told b a niece of his that his son told her its very hard with me in the picture so I do believe its the kids they are always nice to me when I see them but from what I gather even though they have had dated since the divorce they continued to go to the children's events alone and up until a few years ago had family nights once a week because he wanted his kids to grow up normal
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A
female
reader, banditbabie +, writes (8 November 2016):
banditbabie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I have only been a part of the kids lives for three years it took three years to meet them. Mostly it was Sunday dinners. I have no children of my own. I did go to two out of state football games the very last one in Florida when I told the kids I was going they were both shocked as there dad never said I was going but the oldest was very upset about it Oh she said your going not nicely so I said yes . She and her mom did not go because the son was hurt and not plying anyway but she was still upset when I told him he said it has been something they have always done as a family and neither one has ever brought a significant other to there children's events
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 November 2016):
Why not suggest you ALL go out to a dinner so things will be less awkward?
It seems WEIRD that you aren't included if you have been part of their lives since they were 12 and 13.
You say: " I am not a very pushy person and do not want to go where I am not wanted." Wanted by whom? The kids or your partner?
It's very hard to glean from your post who is making the decisions to NOT include you.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (8 November 2016):
 The children you are told...? Why not ask them yourself. I'd be wanting to hear this from the horses mouth, who knows, they could be asking but he is saying your not interested. If not, I think this is mean of them and him to expect that this is acceptable behaviour. I don't think it is. Instead it is dismissive of you and role in their dads life. 6 years is a long time, more than some marriages, and far too long for any spouse to be excluded as an outsider. The children are adults and need to let the other 'adults' be adult about things. If you have children, how is he included with their lives?
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