A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What would you do in this situation?I am married now for 9 years and I do love my wife, but I think we are more of friends than lovers. We had a strong sexual relationship before we got married, having sex 4-5 times per week, many times at her request. We did many different things, exotic and crazy at times.After we got married, sex went out the window for the majority of the duration of our marriage with small peaks here and there.The first 5 years we averaged about once every other week, to two weeks. Then it went to every month or so, and lately it's like every other month.At times I have gone 4 months without it and it seems as if lately I am only a sperm donor. When she wants to conceive we'll have sex.We are only in our early 30's, so it's not like we are old, but I need it more often and she knows this. I am not asking for every day, I think it would be reasonable every other week at the least.Beyond that I love her very much and I cherish our marriage as she is great at so many things, but I just get so depressed at times over our lack of sex.So what is the question? Here it is....We have a friend, her friend FYI, that is sort of like family. I am not really attracted to her physically or emotionally, besides the fact that she loves sex. She complains that her bf, who is a pothead doesn't tend to her enough. She has an even higher sex drive than me, she wants it everyday.Anyhow, she was over the other night and we all were drinking and she is telling us her sob story and she doesn't know how undersexed I am, because I really don't like to kiss and tell. But she is telling us (me and my wife) that she wishes one of us would do her right there (she was spending the night at our place because of drinking anyways.)Of course in the back of my mind is that would solve everyone's problems. I wouldn't be harassing my wife about sex, our friend would get some with no strings attached, just a simple lay. I don't want any relationship outside of sex with this girl, wife doesn't seem to want sex with me, so why not?I don't think my wife's sex drive has anything to do with lack of respect for me, as she does nothing but praise my work as a family man. She just is a career woman lately, focusing on work and all and never seems to be in the mood.I hate to sound so superficial, like sex is everything. But deprivation is killing me. I don't think my demands of sex are too much.I also know that it's pandora's box, but it's the only way I see everyone being satisfied. So long as my wife understands it's strictly physical.What do you think? I've tried talking to my wife, not about involving our friend, but rather the fact that I need it more than every other month. She seems to try but it's a very shallow effort.
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male
reader, rivi +, writes (16 December 2010):
I totally second Liebes Kummer.
As it is your marriage is doomed - and yes, I think it is only right you get a decent helping of sex - I would have thought once a week min !
You need to point out to her that you're so aching to have sex that, although you'd prefer it was with her, if she doesn't want it does she mind if you do it with your / her friend ?
Might wake her up but frankly if it doesn't go for the friend ...maybe tell all to her and ask if she can fix it with your wife for her -the friend - to take over the sexual needs thing.
Don't leave things as they are, whatever you do.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Let me put this in perspective, I have been Mr.Mom (not my wife) at the same time as being the bread winner of our family. My wife has been a PT worker attending school during the day (this is her second degree now) and working PT a couple of nights a week (less than 20 hours). She is a perfectionist when it comes to school and pretty much studied until all hours of the morning, in the meantime I was left with caring for the house and family, PLUS bringing home the bacon.
When I confronted her about it, it was at a time we hadn't had sex in approaching 4 months and for the last month I had been trying to do everything possible to put her in the mood to no avail, To which I just came out and told her I need more, not drastically like every day, but more than once every 3-4 months. So her attempt is bringing it to that every 1-2 months, which is an improvement, but honestly for a couple in their early 30's?
Furthermore, she now wants another child and part of me says "YES! SEX!", but another part just feels like a sperm donor.
Additionally, if life's stress is decreasing her sex drive now, what will another child do?
I try to be compassionate about it, but it really drags on me. I hate to make sex a centerpiece of a relationship, but it can become that if it's on either end of the spectrum. Don't women get upset when men want it too often? Why shouldn't it be appropriate the other way also? Borderline neglect.
I know deep down not to open pandora's box with the involvement of her friend, but it's pouring salt in my wounds watching a girl sit there and complain about not getting it multiple times a week and here I am not getting it more than once per month or two. Just makes you wish that her sex drive was contagious.
BTW, I don't think it's bad sex, because once I get her going we have great sex. I'll make her orgasm before I even start my pleasure, and usually will come back and orally pleasure her again afterwards. She has violent orgasms and tells me how great it was, and I will mention to her, without sounding condescending, that we should have it more often considering how great it is. She'll agree, but then it's unspoken of for another 1-2 months.
I've been hoping for the e0's sex peak thing from the woman, but that hasn't happened. In fact, my wife blurted it out to her friend the other night that she has "no desire" for sex. Her friend turned to me and asked how often we have sex (she was trying to figure maybe her expectations where too often) and I didn't tell, I said "I don't kiss and tell", but deep down inside I felt ashamed and embarrassed if I was to say 1-2 months. Especially after her friend just got done telling her she and her "ex" had sex every single night as she couldn't sleep without having sex.
I have taken her out for dinner, bought her roses, chocolates, movies, date nights, etc. on several occasions trying to bring on the mood. Nothing ever works. It's like as soon as we get home one of two things happens, she goes back to studying and is now more stressed than before because she is behind or she finds a good show on TV and then she is done for hours. (Her favorite show is one that runs hour long episodes repeatedly until the wee hours of the morning.)
I just feel I've done everything possible to earn it, maybe I need to start being a jerk to her? Is that maybe what she lusts? MAybe I'm too good of a husband, maybe a little roughness is called for? (Not saying physical, but maybe she isn't turned on because since I do everything it lacks testosterone?
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A
male
reader, Liebes Kummer  +, writes (16 December 2010):
I have a similar situation in my relationship.
I have suggested a third person but, my wife gets upset.
I would advice you to speak to your wife about how the lack of intimacy is making you feel and, casually bring up the idea of a no-strings relationship and see how she reacts.
It just might be what she needs to wake her up.
Hope things work out for you guys.
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A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (16 December 2010):
 I can understand your frustrations and I don't think you're being unreasonable for wanting more intimacy from your wife. Sex in a marriage is so important, not just for your own gratifiation but to keep that closeness between the two of you so I understand how this must be affecting you.
Try to put yourself in your wifes shoes for a minute. Yes, she probably could make more of an effort but we women place so much pressure on ourselves these days to have the perfect career, family, home that there's often very little left of us for anything else!
You say that you spoke to her and she made a little effort. It may not have been as much as you would've liked but the fact that she's trying should show you that she loves you and cares greatly about how you're feeling. You know that to sleep with this other woman would be totally wrong or you wouldn't be asking the advice of the people on here, you'd just do it.
Talk to your wife again. Don't make it sound like an attack. You need to work on improving relations between you and your wife rather than looking outside of the relationship to solve problems within...that will never work.
As petinal mentioned, it's likely this other woman would fall for you. Most men are able to seperate sex and emotion, for women it is much more difficult no matter how we may try to convince ourselves otherwise.
You already have something special in the fact that you and your wife still love each other. Don't blow that.
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A
female
reader, Weeble +, writes (16 December 2010):
Have you asked your wife how she feels about your sex life?
It is very common for couples to be more sexual at the start of a relationship, just look up the term "new relationship energy". Everything's new and exciting and the new partner is the centre of one's life, so the libido is higher than would be normal for that individual. (Aka the new couple fucking like bunnies stage). Eventually life starts to kick in, be it work, study or whatever and things settle down into a more regular pattern. It's not boredom per se, it's just that everything else requires energy too... which leads me onto the second point: being stressed does tend to zap the sex drive. The mind is willing but there isn't time because of deadlines/family pressure/work/life stresses etc.
So there's probably either or both of the following:
1. She's genuinely stressed and busy, to the extent that she just wants to unwind, rest and relax with you.
2. She has a naturally low libido, so this IS her normal level and the frequency at the beginning was just new relationship energy.
(3. Medical issues, antidepressants, some other drugs etc. also affect libido.)
DO talk to her about it but at a non-sexy time when she won't feel under pressure. Gently enquire how she feels about the frequency of sex and suggest that you would like more fun times. It maybe that she outright says that she's overworked and too tired all of the time, in which case take on more of the household chores, pamper her with hot baths and massages to aid with the stress etc.
Work on any other areas of the relationship too; you'll be amazed how women often don't want sex if there's resentment about an affair/relations with others/lots of arguments/financial worries etc. You mention about conceiving - is there an element of wanting to save your sperm up for her fertile time? Might be you both need to back off from the baby race, or consider professional intervention to help conception.
But this might also be her normal. She might not perceive there being a problem and this is her normal libido now that the initial increase has faded away. She will probably never go back to that sex kitten you once knew but it may be that you two can reach an acceptable compromise.
No-one ever died from lack of sex. That said, how do you feel about masturbating more? Watching porn together to see if that gets her in the mood? Lingerie, weekends away from all the stress, does that make any difference? How about more handjobs and blowjobs if she's not in the mood for penetrative sex? How about sessions of just pleasing her sexually so she doesn't feel pressured by having to fulfil your needs?
Sounds like you need to sit down and have a long heart to heart with her about the expectations each of you have about the sexual aspect of your relationship.
Having an open marriage is a possibility. Bear in mind that once the suggestion is out there you can't take it back and she may see it as a betrayal of your marriage vows. I strongly suggest forgetting this forbidden fruit and working on the communication in your own relationship first! Even if you do start having more partners, would you mind her having additional partners too? Is your relationship strong enough that neither of you would have problems with jealousy? Adding more people will not fix a broken relationship; it usually just introduces yet more problems
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A
male
reader, CJH +, writes (16 December 2010):
 You are treading on very, very shaky ground here. Youre going to break your wifes heart the minute you suggest this crazy idea to her so please just DONT!
The love and respect between you is worth more than sex all day every day for the rest of your life. Ive actually been in a position where a third party was introduced into my relationship and I`ve seen the carnage that it brings first hand. Others may tell you theyve done this and everythings worked out just fine but I honestly believe thats not and never would be the case.
What you need to do here is reawaken your wifes sexual desire - be inventicve and be sensitive and you`ll get there in the end.
Stop looking at this as if its your god given right to have sex with your wife - she has a say in the matter too doesnt she? Right now she probably sees you as constantly pestering her for sex and thats one of the single most significant turns offs for a woman there is!
Reinvent your sex life dont bring others in.
Talk things through properly with your wife and try your hardest to take some of the pressure off that youve been piling on for months.
Have you though about introducing some romance back into your lives? Setting the scene with a cosy candlelit meal and taking the time to arouse her rather than heading straight for sack and expecting her to be up for it!
Please trust me, the answer to your problem lies within you, not your wife and certainly not and outsider. Its your wife you married, its her you love and it should be her and only her that you make love to.
Be inventive, stop being desperate and you`ll see a huge turnaround in the bedroom.
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (16 December 2010):
 Speaking from a womans point of view we do get very tired when we have everyone in the house's emotional needs to see to, cooking cleaning, kids etc. Wouldnt it be a good idea to take your wife away for a long weekend just the two of you where you could both relax and get closer. You have to look at the scenario of could you live without your wife because thinking of going with the other woman for sex may seem a good idea but if your wife finds out she could leave you and take everything you've ever worked for with her with the divorce. Sex is never just sex because emotions over time take over. What if the other woman falls for y ou and that's maybe not what you wanted anyway. It just seems doomed to fail.
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