A
female
age
30-35,
*.maree
writes:My partner and I have been together for 5 years up until recently we were engaged, have 2 children and were trying for a 3rd. During this time he has cheated on me twice that I know of.The first was for the first 12 months we were together but I gave him benefit of the doubt as we were both very young when we first met and people make mistakes. Now he has cheated again a stupid 5 minute one night stand in a toilet with some slut while drunk.After all of this he still claims he wants me, wants to marry me and spend the rest of our lives together.He is trying to make things better (could be trying harder) but I just don't know anymore.I have not always been the best partner but most of that was due to resentment from his cheating.Although I'm angry and more then upset I have come to the conclusion that I should look at this as the kick in the ass out relationship needed. I'm going to come back into this and give it all I have as long as I get the same back from him.I don't feel "special" to him anymore is the only way to explain it, after being faithful our entire relationship I feel like an idiot.Now here is my question.Not for revenge but for my own pleasure I'm thinking of cheating, nothing serious just a one night thing.Just to feel better about myself.I'm not like "normal" women I know this wont make me feel bad or make my self esteem worse or ruin things in the end I just want an opinion about it. Has anyone done this before? Did it make you feel better and help move on? Almost like taking a break and sleeping with someone just without the break part.I know breaks have worked for a lot of people.Thanks :)ps please keep in mind the not a "normal" woman comment. I have friends who have tried this and it ruined things. I'm well aware of possible repercussions I just don't know how else to "start over"
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a break, cheated on me, drunk, engaged, move on, one night stand, revenge, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (21 November 2012):
Okay I've read everyone's comments and your updates, and only have a couple of things to add. It comes down to at the end of the day, what kind of person do you want to be? Right now you see yourself as a doormat, someone that got used and cheated on by the father of her children. That sucks, you feel hurt and used and that it's unfair that he's been out screwing around on your relationship while you have been unfaithful. So if you cheat too, then you'll be on a more level playing field. Your thought process is, "well if I cheat too, I won't be so angry that he cheated, cuz I will have too. Then maybe we can move forward together." Maybe. Maybe that would happen. Although what others have said might happen too, that he finds out and dumps you, or you feel terrible about it.
But I, and I'm sure a lot of other people, don't see you that way. Not as the poor doormat getting all stepped on. The fact that you keep staying when he cheats on you, that might make you a bit of a doormat, but hey, we don't know the whole situation, you have a family. He's the asshole that can't keep it in his pants, plain and simple. He's the one that jeopardized your relationship and family. He's the one that might have come back with some STD for you. If you go out and cheat too to make it even/get some closure, all that means is that you go from the HONEST one to the same level as your CHEATING boyfriend. If your children ask why you guys stayed together or broke up, do you want to tell them that their father cheated on you so you left him? Or that he cheated one you and then you proceeded to cheat on him and in essence, both sabotaged the relationship?
I cheated once in my life. I was with a new boyfriend of a week or two, and hadn't exactly had the exclusivity talk. No excuses, I still consider what I did cheating. I saw my ex-bf of 3 years for the first time (we had been long distance at the time so hadn't even seen each other when we broke up). And we messed around. I never want to do that again. I hate the fact that I cheated. Because I don't want to be that kind of person. And I immediately told my boyfriend. He did end up forgiving me, but he was understandably upset. Do you want to be the honest and upstanding kind of person that doesn't cheat? Or do you want to lower yourself to his level?
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (21 November 2012):
OP, I am sorry you are in this situation as there aren't many happy ways forward for you. So Very Confused sums it up perfectly.
The thing is that many people, your partner included, can easily seperate sex from love. I also can when drunk. Maybe you try it just to see how meaningless it really is, but I fear whilst it might help you understand how he did it you wont feel any happier. The real issue you have is trust, and by having random sex with a stranger your partner has shown you how easily he takes risks that could end up really hurting you. He needs to prove to you he has changed and is in control of his actions even when drunk and you need to believe him. Good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): In twenty years, what would you say to your adult son if he told you that he had cheated on the woman with whom he's been living with for five years and the mother of his two children by doing what he's done when drunk?In twenty years, what would you say to your adult daughter if she told you that the guy with whom she's been living with for five years and the father of her two children had cheated on her by doing what he's done while drunk, and so she was planning on getting revenge by having a random anonymous one night stand of her own with the nearest available random anonymous stranger? Those are the lessons you and your boyfriend are teaching your children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): Ok reading what you have written here, he cheated only twice. Ok got it.
You feel loved, but also you feel like you have been walked all over.
You want to start over, but not before you get out there and have a screw around too.
But if you do that he (even though he says he will) will not handle it and would more than likely walk.
Your partner is a self sabator. So he has an excuse for his behaviour. Got that too.
OK lets look at a few things.
[Now he has cheated again a stupid 5 minute one night stand in a toilet with some slut while drunk.]
Be honest with yourself here, this was not a 5 min thing, there was a lead up, flirting, touching kissing, whispering in ears, all the things that are done to turn each other on. The act its self was prob 5 mins but lead up lets call it FOREPLAY, would have been a lot longer.
If he tells you different he is not telling the truth...
{Something changed after I left its like he finally got that I'm not scared of leaving him & has really tried since its obviously just still taking time.}
{It has not even been a month so obviously I'm still hurting}
Sure your leaving has shaken him up, he doesnt have someone there to do his cooking and cleaning and washing. He is really trying hard, sure he is he needs to win you back over. Its just taking time, yes ofcourse it is, he hurt you (AGAIN).
This man will get you to fall for his rubbish and then when you are all great and things are going good he WILL do it again.
{For the most part we are great together & are FAR from holding each other back if anything we have been the complete opposite..}
Well it is obvious you don't hold him back, because he thinks it is ok to do this to you.
[As I mentioned before he's a self sabator & that went for his work as well but since being with me I push him to be all he can be & he has a grate job in which he recently got promoted]
but as he is a self sabator, he will do everything he can to destroy all of this.
The harder you push him the worse the destruction will be. And when the 2 of you find your happy and your middle ground and trust, he WILL AGAIN destroy everything.
Really think hard about all this, is this how you want to bring up your children.
Reading all of this, you are very defensive of him, he hurt you and you came here looking for people to tell you that it is ok for you to have a ONS, but rally it is not ok, it might make you feel good for a while, but what if you got some kind of desiease? Even if you do use condoms, they do break, do you want to put yourself at that kind of risk just to not feel like a door mat?
You are both young and playing dangerous games, if you want to be with him, then you need to forgive him and hope he doesn't do it again, but if you can't forgive him, if it eats at you and you keep reliving how you found out, you dont trust him, your relationship WILL NOT WORK and you are better off walking away now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2012): Sweetheart, don't go down this path! What you have described here sounds just like me and my ex husband. My husband after a year of marriage, spent 6 month sleeping with what was a very good friend, (I only found out because I walked in on them) I was so hurt and upset I packed up our kids and I left for some space and time to think. He begged me to come back, I am so sorry never again I swear to you this will not happen again, please it was a mistake, a weak laps in judgement. I went back, and he was great, he did everything possible to make it up to me, to get my trust back, 5 years went by and my sister had a baby, then she and the baby's aunty (she was 18) came to stay with us for a weekend, after my sister and I put our kids to bed we went to bed. It was normal for my husband to stay up a couple of hours longer because that was his game time. Well that night, he and this girl were watching a movie, and he and she had a 5 minute thing too. She texted me and told me about it, when I asked him he said it happened before he new it and it didnt last long and once he realised what he was doing he stopped right away. (But not before he shot in her)He was so so sorry. I was so hurt again. And he tried all he could to make it up to me, well one night I went out and a guy whom I did at that time like a lot was there and we were drinking and flirting and kissing, I didn't care, he made me feel so special that night. We went back to his place and we had a one night stand. The next day I went home and he asked where I was so I told him. And he was ok yes well I understand how you felt now gosh I will spend the rest of our life making it up to you. (I did not go out with the intention of doing it and if B had not have been there it would not have happened) For the next 5 years things were great, we were in a really good place. Then he got a job as a manager on a tomato farm, where he hired backpackers and such. There were some pretty hot chicks. And this one day I received photos from one of his male workers who we had become really great friends with, and there was my husband with a backpacker. I will spare you the details. But that was the last straw, I walked. I packed up took my kids and started life without him.That is where you are headed, I know you love him and he is the father of your children but honey really, it might be great for the next 5 years maybe even 10 but he will do it again and again. As for wanting to have a one night stand, I get that, sure it may make you feel great and alive, and yeah it may help you to draw that line and start again, but he won't change. I wish you all the best and I really hope everything works out for you take care xxx
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female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (20 November 2012):
 I won't bother telling you to leave because you have heard it enough, you are well aware at this point that leaving is what you should do but won't. I will address the cheating in order to not feel like a doormat. I do understand the thought process behind it. It isn't so you have fun whilst cheating, it is so you don't feel like you have been a loyal idiot who has been walked all over. So that you can feel like you are standing up for yourself. It isn't standing up for yourself. Standing up for yourself is leaving and not putting up with the behavior- that way it is known you are better than him (you are a loyal good partner this doesn't make you weak...), you won't tolerate his behavior, and you know you can do better. THAT is standing up for yourself. Cheating to get him back does not show you aren't a doormat. It shows that you want the relationship to be on even levels before starting up again and that's all. It does not make you better than him. It does not make you a strong woman who isn't to be fucked around with, it makes you a cheater and now on his level. Thats all. A strong woman is a woman who won't allow a man to cheat on her at all. So no, I don't advise you have a ONS because not only will it solve nothing, it won't make you look stronger, it will further fuck up this fucked relationship. Cerberus, Cindy and chigirl made some of the best points, you should really listen to them.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 November 2012):
 Ok so even though he’s a dog you will defend his right to mistreat you. Accepted.
Now what you want is PERMISSION to have a ONS and see how it feels?
It will feel lousy.
I think that Karlos is correct… discuss with him having an open relationship. IF you are both on board then problem solved and you can both sleep around. Please use condoms with all partners but your man, and he must wear them as well… and please do NOT let the children be aware of this lifestyle choice.
I had an open relationship. I am no longer with that man… because he was FINE having it open as long as HE was the ONE screwing around. THE minute I found a guy he could not cope and he set it up for him to leave me.
Sadly OP, while I know you love him and it’s hard to imagine… from experience with couples in the lifestyle I can tell you that going into it to FIX a broken relationship does not work. The only couples I Know who have made it work long term (over 20 years each) went into it together as a couple long before marriage, none of them have children, or wanted children and NONE of them have jealousy issues.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): grow up you got 2kids either dump him or move on
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): With all due respect, this whole thing is one big immature joke OP.
Going off one of your updates, it seems now you're saying:
-Cheating ISN'T the issue.
-You yourself have problems being loyal to him ANYWAY.
-And that you don't mind him cheating, just as long as you can too, because you're jealous that he's having all the external fun while you're not, and you feel like a doormat.
OP I still stick by my first reaction, and that is you should call it a day. Can you honestly say you could be happy in a relationship whereby you both are just scoring points against each other, almost as if its a competition to see who can cheat the most? Yes you could cheat on him, and if by some chance he sticks around, do you think he's going to be happy and just let it go like that? He will cheat again just for revenge on you, and then you will be back in this position feeling like a doormat and wanting to cheat on him to score another point. You will be going round in circles forever OP.
If you're happy though in this relationship, then I don't really understand what you were looking for when you posted on here.
Maybe just to vent?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): quite seriously I don't think having a one night stand to get even with him will make this relationship start over or repair your self-esteem,I see you still want to be with him, why don't you two seek counseling?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 November 2012):
 "It's not always cheating but his hole life when things were going well he has done something to screw it up."
He's an adult, if he's been doing this all his life you'd think he would LEARN from his mistakes, rather than just continue doing them. So what now, every time something good happens in your relationship, be sure to expect him f-ing it up? Well, yes, that's in essence what your therapist have told you. He's a selfish man who intentionally f's up good things. And, what about this is so great that you actually use it as his excuse for continuing? Him having done this all of his life is not a reason, it's not an excuse. It's no more of an excuse than me saying I will batter my partner because I've always been a violent person, so you better just accept it. And yes, here you are, accepting it. Because after all, the poor man can't help it, he's beein like this all his life, never ever taking responsibility for his actions, so why not just give him the green card to continue acting like a child? Why expect him to actually change, when after all, even his therapist said he's done this all his life... And is that it is also implied "and he will continue to do it for the rest of his life".
He's only saying he wants to marry you because he wants you to stick around. Classic manipulation move. If he actually intended to marry you.. he'd marry you, not sleep with others. It's kind of basic logics. But sure, why not give it another year to see if he can keep it in his pants. That really ought to teach him a lesson.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): Get some self respect and leave this jerk.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 November 2012):
"I'm going to come back into this and give it all I have as long as I get the same back from him."
You're not getting anything from him. You're missing the point. The only reason he is "tryingt to be better" is because he's already at the lowest point of maintainance. He has screwed you and your relationship over again and again and again, and you take him back again and again and again. For what? Is his "trying" really so amazing? No. It isn't. Trying doesn't cut it, trying isn't enough. He doesn't even TRY to be faithful, yet him saying he is trying is evidently all you need.
This was a kick the relationship needed, yes, but not a kick for you to put in your best effort "as long as you get the same from him". He's never bothered to put in any effort at all. Wake up to the reality. He doesn't care about you. If he did, even just a little, he'd not cheat. The only one he cares about is himself, and this KICK to your relationship was delivered by HIM, and you should take it as a kick to GET OUT.
As the only reasonable person left in this relationship I will remind you that once you cheat you've already made the decision to end the relationship. I mean, what is it about cheating that is better than being SINGLE and free to do whatever you want, without the remorse, without the guilt, without the knowledge that you've deeply betrayed and hurt your partner? Being single and free is so much better, when sleeping with others is what you want. You're never saving anyone any pain by cheating on them you know. Being cheated on, as I am sure you know, hurts a lot more than being dumped.
So even though your boyfriend is a pig who cheats, you don't have to sink to his level. Just leave him to his bathroom skanks instead, and go date a real man.
As for the kids, there is NO point in staying with a man when all you do by this is teaching your children how little you are worth, how people should just accept being cheated on and lied to, and how they should never expect more from a partner than "he's trying". Be a role model to your children, and be a role model to yourself.
I have a married friend who's had a lover or two since her relationship went sour. It's just a stepping stone to finally ending it, as she's now moved out and preparing for divorce. The cheating is just a more cowardly approach, rather than simply ending it. Cheating is what you do when you don't have the courage to actually end it. Because if you were HAPPY in the relationship you wouldn't want to cheat. And if you're not happy, and you are cheating, then what exactly is the point of being in the relationship? Remind me, what is the point? Because I don't see it.
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female
reader, J.maree +, writes (20 November 2012):
J.maree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionKarlos- I completely understand what your saying but just to clarify I never said I did t feel loved. Obviously your natural reaction cheating would be to not feel loved but that's not exactly the case.
He has been trying very hard to make things better from my side it's just going to take time.
The funny thing is I have actually mentioned how I feel to him & I agree with you I think if he ever found out I cheated he would leave. Although when I told him he claimed he wouldn't.
He gave me this hole thing about how he understands it would be his fault & he knows he drove me to it but if it really came down to it I don't think he could deal with it.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (20 November 2012):
 Don't cheat. That will just make things worse.
If you're both serious about making this work, get some relationship counselling together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): OP Listen to Cerebus,
WE ARE READING WHAT YOU WROTE.
YOU DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WROTE It's called DENIAL.
The pain is that great. your self esteem is that much down the toilet.
You need to feel desirable, to have sex with someone who ravage-dly wants you. I get it.
The part unfortunately that YOU don't get, is that he gets to f**k up and you reward the behavior by yelling and then taking him back, great he gets to have his cake and eat it too, oh yea but he loves you, riggghhhhttt.
Come on..if you do the same thing, cheat that is, two wrongs don't make a right.
You are lost in tornado of disbelief, denial, and a grave disconnect from your feelings, your desires and how your expectations of a relationship and or the "one" has been exploded via his piss poor behavior.
Now not to take sides, but he is young as you are and yes maybe you both haven't sowed your wild oats I would say after children you cant hit the rewind button and cant act like children anymore as you have children. What is in your best interest and the interest of your children is to stand up for yourself and show your children your strength and find a real man who really loves you and can be monogamous and faithful to you , if that is what you want.
Random sex with a stranger while keeping this doofus around makes no sense.
Get rid of him and when your ex is having his children every other weekend, sleep with as many as you want get all the experiences you want.
I believe that isn't what you really want tho OP is it? either way this man is no good for YOU.
Learn to love yourself, its such a hard lesson to learn do it now while your young. There are so many great Aunts on here that just gave you great advice read and reread all of them again and again until you see the truth.
Good luck, ps cheating is NEVER the answer.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): First off, don't try for a third child with this man.
He has proven himself a cheater. Once a cheater always a cheater.
And yes what you are doing is for revenge. You are hurt and you want to hurt him back.
IF you married this man you will always be wondering if he is cheating on you and you will be forever monitoring his actions. Is this how you really want to live the rest of your life???
This is how you "start over":
You call off the engagement. Give him back his ring.
Get a lawyer so that you get child support for your kids.
Either you move out or he moves out.
Get rid of things that remind you of your relationship, whether cards or presents that he gave you. Cleanse yourself of these material things and start fresh.
Keep your eye on the ball and think to future.
Concentrate of yourself and do all things yourself. Do anything that will improve YOU, like going to the gym, getting a new hairdo, clothes, going back to school. Treat yourself because you deserve the best that life has to offer!
There are plenty of other men out there that will NOT cheat. Give yourself time to heal and then get back out there if you so desire.
But no, if I was in your shoes, the first time he cheated he would have been out the door. That would be a dealbreaker for me and I would not have been a forgiving person and I would have made him pay for that mistake in a big way.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): OP I read your question and read your replies, with all due respect to the other posters I didn't read theirs and if I repeat anything that was said my apologies.
What you're asking is basically this "Cheating is fucking up my relationship, should I do it too?"
The simple answer is no. OP I don't care who you are or what kind of woman you are. Cheating is the problem, how is more of that going to fix things?
If him being an alcoholic was the problem would your solution be to become one too, just because you're not a "normal" woman?
I understand your reaction OP, you're looking for balance, satisfaction and also to feel a bit special again and desired because being cheated on is fucking massive kick in the teeth in terms of self-belief, how can it not be?
So how can you doing it too fix things? How would you becoming a heroin addict because your boyfriends addiction is ruining things, fix this?
OP do you want to be cheated on again? I mean is your goal now to create an open relationship? Because is so, go for it. I'm sure you have everyone's blessing for that. But if you cheat too then you have no moral high ground here, you have no reason to complain when he does it again and you really think that a guy who can so easily just ride a woman in a toilet while drunk is not going to see you cheating as extra justification to do so in the future, then you're sadly mistaken. I mean come on, next time he's in a position to cheat instead of the usual "I can't do it to hurt my girlfriend" what his brain will think is "she did it too, she has no right to complain".
It might make you feel better for now, it may ease some of the pain of having to face this in the now. But the honest truth is OP when you look at the big picture, when you look at the consequences of it may be for you, your relationship and your kids it's not a good idea.
You basically take the last bit of faith and trust this relationship may ever have and you throw it out the window. Worst of all though then next time he does this, which he will. A serial cheat is going to keep doing it as there are no bad consequences because he knows you'll never have the strength to leave him because all he has to do is go on a charm offensive and you not only accept things but you then blame yourself by claiming you were "not the best partner".
I mean even if that were true how does you cheating make you a better partner?
Here's how this is going to play out. You're going to be bitter, sad, lonely, blame yourself and stay with him because his charm offensive works on you. You may or may not cheat on him and makes things worse but the simple fact of the matter is this: He will cheat again once the dust settles, he doesn't respect nor love you enough to remain faithful, once is a mistake, twice is a behaviour. You're going to spend the next little while thinking all sorts of crazy shit, like you are now. "cheating is the problem, so I'll do it as a solution" "his cheating is the kick start we needed" seriously wtf is all that about? Can you hear what you're saying?
Somewhere down the line you'll finally figure out that you're not to blame for this relationship going bad, you'll realize you did nothing to cause this, you'll figure otu that cheating is not a solution to a relationship broken by cheating and you'll figure out that him cheating cannot be called anything positive like a kick start and if he's the one who has you convinced of that then he's as low as you can get.
OP you sound very much like a victim, you're in complete denial of the reality here because you don't want to lose him, you actually think all of us are in the wrong and you're the only correct person here. But read what you said OP, none of it makes sense. And the whole self-sabotaging thing you use as another excuse to cover his actions. Well if that's who he is, enjoy having your heart broken time and time again out of pity for a guy who just fails taking care of himself and his relationships.
I might aswell just be talking to the wall though right? You didn't come here for our opinions on your relationship you came here for validation that it would be okay for you to cheat and won't listen to anyone who says it's not.
I wish you the best, you have a long hard road ahead of you before you completely lose it and he cheats again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): Personally Yos, I don't think two wrongs make a right, and if a relationship is to survive infidelity, the last thing it needs is yet more infidelity. Even though he did the wrong to begin with, I can bet my last bottom dollar on it that if he finds out his girlfriend has cheated, he will be gone in a poof of smoke. Then what has that achieved in terms of the OP wanting to keep this relationship alive?
OP, I've just received notification of you updates.
So you say since you left after he cheated the 2nd time things have been great, he makes you feel loved etc etc and the only thing that bothers you is the fact that he's been unfaithful? If this were the case, WHY do you feel the need to cheat? You said you don't feel loved in your original post, now you're saying you do feel loved.
I'm thinking that you think if you cheat on him it would take away the pain that he's caused you, but in actual fact it won't! I said previously in this message, if YOU cheat on him he will find out, and when he does, do you think he's going to want to be anywhere near you again after another man has been near you? Nope, that's not how it works. You chose to stick with him instead of leaving, you didn't have to, but you did, that was your choice to do so. He will also have this same choice too, and I think his decision will be the opposite to the one you made.
Bottom line is, he needs to not cheat again and you shouldn't follow in suit either. You also need to forgive and move forward from this. At the moment this whole situation to me is beginning to sound like just a game of point scoring...
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female
reader, J.maree +, writes (20 November 2012):
J.maree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindyCares- it's not that I'm singing his praises & cheating is not a big deal. I just believe he does self sabotage & was an idiot.
He is trying to make things better & is genuinely remorseful.
The me cheating part comes down to me I understand it will not make things better & two wrongs don't make a right I'm not stupid.
I just have an issue with being loyal to him our hole relationship even with this "start over" & him being the only one that got to haw fun I guess you could say.
A grate deal of this relationship has been miserable for me & if we are "starting over" I want my chance to have a little fun to. Make me feel like a little less of a door mat.
I have left someone for cheating before & I have no issue with doing it again if I think it's a hopeless cause but I just don't feel this is yet.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 November 2012):
 Op, I don't think that we are not reading or not understanding, it's just that different people have different deal breakers, and many people draw the line at cheating- even just the first time.
So it's natural we don't get too impressed when you wax lyrical about how fantastic he is and how well you get along and the great job he has. Nice and dandy, but, what about the cheating ?.
It's a bit as if you said " I have an employee' who is perfect, always punctual, respectful, hardworking... the only problem is that he/she is a thief and robs me blind, and I can't trust him to be in the shop/office alone ". The most natural response would be, I guess : then give him the sack already , who cares how wonderful he is ?
Of course you may have different priorities and draw the line at another point, as you are fully entitled to do , since it is your life and partner, not ours, and you know what's important to you. If you think that he being, say, a good dad or a good provider or a good lover or whatnot, trumps him being a cheater - who are we to say you are wrong.
But ,then I'd say you should make your mind up. Basically, either being cheated on is not such a big deal for you, then you FORGIVE him. You don't feel walked over,or humiliated, you accept that everybody makes mistakes ( your words ), give him back your trust and- case closed. Or, you decide that being cheated on is actually a very big deal , big enough to leave him.
I can't see how becoming a cheater yourself may help you regain that trust that you don't feel anymore. It's not about what you do, it's about what he did.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): I understand what you mean being that you want a one night stand, but what you dont understand/see is that you ARE doing it for revenge. You feel that you have been a loyal partner, while hes betrayed you, and you need to have a one night stand because its not fair. You have been faithful to a cheater, and in the resentments eating you up. Having sex with someone else, it doesnt take that feeling of resentment away. Cheating in all aspects, ESP when married, is wrong. You took vows, for better or WORSE. The bottom line is that you cant get over his cheating. You need to give some serious thought to this. Remember, you are still married. Can you forgive him completely? No more resentment AND move on together? Its going to take work, very hardwork, heavy, emotional, life changing, trust reestablishing, to the point where you both may want to call it quits. Tasking. I would also suggest a different counsellor. You NEVER tell someone they are a selfsabotager because then you have given them a REASON that he can and will use. Make your decisions carefully.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 November 2012):
Sorry,my bad. He only cheated twice,... so technically we can't call it a pattern yet. Not to nitpick, though, but the first time... lasted a whole year , so we can't either call that an adventure or a moment of weakness, right ?- Or a "mistake ". Everybody makes mistakes, but if one keeps repeating the same mistake for a year, well, I don't know if he really deserves to be cut a lot of slack...
Regardless : I don't see how your system would solve anything, or restart anything. Two wrongs don't make a right. He is a cheater, and if you go on with your plan, then you'll be a cheater too, and you'll be " even". Big deal. It's not like being even will make either of you more faitfhul or more in love with the other, or more committed to the relationship. You still won't be able to trust him, and being a cheater will not protect you from being cheated on again a third or fourth etc.etc. time.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (20 November 2012):
 Aunts: I feel it's a bit much to be telling a woman to break up with the father of her children when she clearly doesn't want to leave him. She wants to get past this, not break it.
He has you over a barrel: you want to be with him and you share a family with him. It's not easy to walk out on that. Nor would I want to. You cheating will not make it better, two wrongs really don't make a right.
Do you think he'll do it again? Do you think he's truly sorry? Has he shown you full remorse? Are you reconciled? These things need to happen, and he has to put himself 100% into them.
If he's not you could try giving him the wake up call. Throw him out, or leave with the kids. Not permanently, but until he gets the message (don't tell him you'll come back). Have him realise what he really will lose if he cheats again. Sometimes it takes a shock like that to get someone to see the consequences of their actions.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (20 November 2012):
 "You took his third betrayal as a kick in the ass to jumpstart your relationship somehow , including sleeping with other people- frankly, I'd see it as a kick in the ass to make me see it's over and done and it's time to move on."
Agreed.
This relationship is over, you don't need a one night stand, you need a new boyfriend. You know he will keep cheating on you so rather than doing what's best for your emotional well-being and leaving, you are simply taking on new boyfriends on the side. I am not you, but if I had to hazard a guess you are simply scared of the idea of being alone again and are dipping a toe into the dating world before calling it quits.
There's really no point though, just end things. He's already ended it for you when he cheated for the 3rd time.
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reader, J.maree +, writes (20 November 2012):
J.maree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow people really are only reading what they want aren't they..
For the most part we are great together & are FAR from holding each other back if anything we have been the complete opposite..
As I mentioned before he's a self sabator & that went for his work as well but since being with me I push him to be all he can be & he has a grate job in which he recently got promoted.
I really don't feel like people are actually reading wha I wrote lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): Excellent, why not change this to an open relationship, that way you can both sleep with whoever you want but at the same time, remain unhappily in each others lives, going round in the same circles, and holding each other back forever...
OP, this may not be about revenge, but to be honest it doesn't matter what way you try to sugar coat it, two wrongs DON'T make a right. You've probably cursed him, slagged him off, thrown it back in his face and resented him ever since you first found out he cheated, you've remained with him and why, to forgive him and give this relationship another chance? Its clear you can't forgive him for what he's done, otherwise you wouldn't feel so distant from him, resentful towards him, and have this desire to cheat.
I think its best you both go your separate ways now, because you do know once you cheat too, you ARE even? You will no longer be able to continue holding what he did against him, and blaming him for you being miserable, because you chose to remain with a man you can't learn to forgive and trust, instead of doing the right thing that you should have done a long time ago, and that is WALK AWAY.
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reader, J.maree +, writes (20 November 2012):
J.maree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI added a bit of an update but I'm not sure if people can see it.
I'm new to this site & it's not showing up on mine.. So ill try again
He cheated twice I must have written it wrong & the thing is aside from the times he has cheated at the moment he's grate.
After I found out what he did the 2nd time I left just to give myself some space & time to think.
He was begging me to come back & has been great ever since so it's not that he's not making me feel special or loved because aside from the cheating he really is.
Something changed after I left its like he finally got that I'm not scared of leaving him & has really tried since its obviously just still taking time. It has not even been a month so obviously I'm still hurting.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (20 November 2012):
 No matter how much you enjoy your one night stand (if you go ahead) it is not going to change the fact that your partner has cheated on you 3 times.
I think you want this one night stand to make yourself feel loved, sexy and wanted again because you are not getting that from your partner. And while it might actually make you feel good (it does feel good when someone finds you attractive and wants you in that way), it is only going to make it worse when you get back to your partner and he still doesnt make you feel the way you want to feel. It may even make things worse, you will have seen how another man could treat you and will have gone back to a man who doesnt treat you right.
I think this one night stand idea is pretty irrelevant to be honest, the main issue here is:
Why are you putting up with a man that keeps cheating on you?
OK so the first 2 times could have been written off as dumb mistakes, still not great but I can understand your reasoning.
HOWEVER now here you are, 5 years later. You cannot use immaturity and age as a reason why he cheated this time, and being drunk is the worse excuse in the book. If he was still able to get it up, then he knew what he was doing so it wasnt just a 'mistake' - he wanted sex with her, he went ahead and did it and didnt care about you or your children one bit. If you are drunk to the point of not knowing what you are doing, then getting an erection would be impossible. So he wasnt THAT drunk, he still knew what he was doing so clearly he has NO respect for you if he was happy to go ahead and do this to you.
You say it was only a 5 minute thing in a toilet, but that was just the act itself. What about all the time he spent that night chatting her up, getting to know her, probably buying her drinks, more than likely kissing - followed by the 5 minutes in the toilet. Even if she is a 'slut' I very much doubt any girl would spot your partner across a room, drag him into a toilet, have sex for 5 minutes then leave. I'm sure he is attractive, but he cant be THAT amazing! So he will have put some work into this before he got into her knickers. Its not the 5 minutes of sex that is the issue, it is the fact that he is going out with the view to meeting women and chatting them up.
How can you be sure that whenever he goes out he isnt chatting women up every time, and in the past he was turned down whereas now this one girl gave in and had sex with him? I dont believe this is a one off, I bet he chats women up all the time and finally got lucky with this one girl.
I think you have some real issues with self esteem, and I think you are afraid of being alone hence why you are accepting his appalling behaviour and want to stay with him. No woman with self respect would stay with a man like this, him cheating now you have a family would be the final straw to most people. I know being a family unit is important, but it is more important to set a good example to your children about relationships. And you and your partner are currently showing your children a perfect example of dysfunctional relationships, and they will grow up thinking this is acceptable.
If you have a son(s) he will think that it is normal to cheat on your partner, to go out getting drunk and fooling around with other women in toilets. If you have a daughter(s) she will think that it is ok to allow your partner to cheat on you, disrespect you and walk all over you.
I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself, ask yourself why you are bending over backwards to keep trying to make this work when he shows you such little respect as to have sex with a random woman in a toilet. You say this is the kick in the ass you need to make this work, yet you also say he isnt really trying. Why are you doing all the work, when he is the one that cheats? To me it seems that you are flogging a dead horse, you are so determined to keep going that you are overlooking the fact that this man shows you no respect at all. If he genuinely loved you he would never get himself into the situation where he is drunk enough to chat up another woman and have sex with her in the toilet. Simple as that.
To me there will never be any trust in this relationship because he has cheated one too many times. You know that having a family means nothing to him now, he has proven that to you by this latest act. Any decent man would want to treat the mother of his children with love and respect, and would never want to do anything to jeapordise his family. He could lose his kids because of this, but clearly that means nothing otherwise he wouldnt have done it. He has shown you his true colours, and I think he is just a serial cheat that will never grow up.
Choice is yours - by all means have a one night stand, keep on flogging your dead horse, but he will cheat again. Alternatively, find some self respect, pack up and leave and show your kids that women shouldnt be treated this way and it is not acceptable.
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reader, J.maree +, writes (20 November 2012):
J.maree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe did not cheat 3 times its twice not that that makes to much of a difference to me.
The reason I'm looking at it in a positive light is because at the time we were not treating each other the way we should have been.
We went to a councillor for a while & they came to the conclusions that my partner is a self sabator. Right before this happened we had just brought our first house and started to try for a 3rd baby.
It's not always cheating but his hole life when things were going well he has done something to screw it up.
We both love each other & want to work things out & he is trying to fix things by which I mean gain back my trust show me he cares & so on.
I'm thinking about doing what I mentioned because I don't see what other way there is for me to truly get a "start over".
I wish I could just move on like some people seem to be able to but this time I feel like I need something to help. Make me feel less walked over
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reader, oldbag +, writes (20 November 2012):
 Hi
I think you would be crazy to do it. Personally I would have kicked him out after his 5 minute session in a toilet with some random girl.Being drunk is not an excuse.
I would also be grateful I wasn't expecting a third baby with him. I don't think you cheating will help you in any way,probably make you feel worse, plus it would mean your children had two selfish parents instead of just him.
You know something needs to change so why not call off any marriage plans and ask him to leave? Thats what a normal woman/mother would do.Chances are he will never be the faithful type.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 November 2012):
... But, do you HAVE to start over, with your partner , I mean ? ... This is what you may want to do, or think you want to do, but it can be ( I'd say it must be ) out of fear of loneliness, fear of the unknown....not out of love , I guess. So, what you want perhaps, but not what you need.
This guy cheated on you for the THIRD time, I'd say it's best to apply the 3 strikes you are out rule. 3 times is a pattern, it's hard to change that even if he wanted, and I am not that sure he wants , if he is , in your own words, not tryng hard enough to fix things. But then again, what's there to be fixed I wonder...
You took his third betrayal as a kick in the ass to jumpstart your relationship somehow , including sleeping with other people- frankly, I'd see it as a kick in the ass to make me see it's over and done and it's time to move on. But then again, I am a very normal, average woman.
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