A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been with the same guy for three years, we are both in our 40s. When I met him he had just lost 140 lbs through diet and exercise and was running marathons. A big part of my attraction to him was admiration for having lost all that weight and adopting a healthy lifestyle. Well, after one year he had gained almost all of it back. He is absolutely obsessed with eating and food. He is now morbidly obese again. I do not feel physically attracted to him at all, actually quite repulsed. His hygiene is now substandard, he breathes heavily just from walking across the room, he sits with his legs sprawled out (like a fat guy) and his belly hangs out from below his shirt. He has started and stopped 'a program' at least ten times in the last 2 years. I am quite small and cannot have 'normal' sex with him, nor do I want to as his appearance is quite repulsive to me. I have no expectation of having a buff partner, as I am far from perfect, but I am not attracted to obese bodies. He is a lovely person and has many traits that I like. As far as encouraging him to lose weight, I have tried everything (nagging, suggesting, working out together, asking about his meals etc.). We don't live together so I am not around him when he eats, but he must eat constantly to maintain 300 lbs on a 5 ft 7 in frame. I care about him, and I don't know what to do. I know he must feel rejected sexually, but I can't bring myself to being with him nor is it safe for me....(I weigh 120 lbs at 5 ' 2"). I don't know what to do.......
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male
reader, p.kidd  +, writes (22 April 2011):
I have the same problem!!!!! My bf is 5'9" and weighs 230 lbs. Lots of people, _LOTS_, have told me subtly that i have an obese bf and i have to do something about it. His weight problem is causing constant pain all over his body, he's always depressed about his weight problem and has a bad temper when he's depressed or in pain. I dont live with him, I cant monitor or keep track what he puts into his mouth all the time. When we're together, i am able to do that yes, but when i'm not around...its another story..and i've been warning him a million of times, still he does what his heart desires. I'm actually quite sick of this and sometimes think about walking away, but i cant, i feel responsible of his diet. When I confront him why he wouldnt listen to me, his reply is always "you're not here to monitor me, so i eat whatever i like. If you stay, then you can monitor and control me. So do you wanna stay or leave?" I'm always forced to stay although that usually upsets my parents a lot (we're not married, and we live with our respective families). Although i know deep down thats one of his tactics to make me stay over for the night, I still give in.. :( there's just no other way i can keep track of his diet.. :"( feel like crying sometimes..Please let me know if you can offer any solutions, ideas, suggestions, i'd really really appreciate it. My email [email address blocked] Thanks in advance!
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (23 November 2009):
 You are under no obligation at all to stay in the relationship. Gaining 140 pounds is a material change in the conditions of the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (23 November 2009):
It's the same with any health problem when it comes to a relationship.... In some cases on here it's depression, in your case it's obesity.
It all comes down to the same thing.... You don't want to be with him but you don't want to dump him for something that's "not his fault."
The thing is that you only signed on to be a girlfriend, you didn't swear for better or worse, you didn't swear in sickness and health.
If you don't want to be with him then you don't have to be. It's sad but you can't stay with a guy because of guilt.
Tell him you love him as a friend, but can't stay in a relationship where you aren't happy.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (23 November 2009):
 If you have tried to encourage him to lose weight with no such luck then I think you need to lay it down on the line with him - you have to make him realise how serious this situation is!
It sounds like he has a food addiction and he will need help from doctors to overcome it - obviously he can lose the weight by himself (as proved before) but it seems he doesnt have the motivation at the moment to do so. So perhaps getting some medical help will push him to get back into a healthy lifestyle again.
But all you can do now is to tell him how you feel - explain that you hate rejecting him sexually and you miss the relationship as it was a year ago. Tell him that one of the reasons you fell for him was because of your admiration for his achievements. And that because he has given up on that lifestyle he has become a different man, and that man is not someone you feel attracted to. I know it will be hard to say all this but at the end of the day it might be the wake up call that he needs, or at least he might start to talk to you about why he is eating so much again. Ask him what has driven him back to food and away from the healthy lifestyle he once had - you might find he is unhappy about something, and together you might be able to work to change it.
While physical appearance should not be the main component of a relationship, having a basic attraction to each other is critical to keep a relationship going. So without it you are more like friends than lovers - dont feel guilty for feeling the way you do because at the end of the day his weight is coming between you and causing problems in the relationship. I would imagine there is a reason why he is eating so much, and maybe therapy would help him to find out why he is using food to deal with his issues and to find a new, more constructive way of dealing with things.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (23 November 2009):
 Can you consider moving him from "front burner" to simmer or warm? I'm a man, and therefore probably less qualified to advise a woman in this case, but such an extreme story obviously points in just one inevitable direction.
That may mean that your companion for the past three years may still be your best of friends, but no longer nearly so ideal as your lover.
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