A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So... I'm not interested physically or romantically to guys of my own race (black). I've never dated a black guy, and just don't find them appealing for a relationship. I have many black guy friends but that is all they are.And I feel horrible for it. Really, I feel like a jerk.I told my family that I just don't see it happening and my mom said, "yeah, goodluck finding a relationship!"I really don't know what to do. It might be preventing me from being in a good relationship but I just never had that attraction to black guys and I don't feel comfortable forcing myself to date a black guy when I don't have any initial attraction to them. Am I shallow for feeling this way? Should I try to date someone of my race if a good guy comes along even if I may not initially be attracted to him or should I wait for a guy (who will most likely be of a different race) to come along though it may take some time? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, malletchick76 +, writes (30 April 2013):
 It would only be shallow if you don't give them a chance just because of the skin tone. I am not attracted to hispanic men at all, and I don't find it shallow at all. I'd go on a date with them if they're nice enough and asked me, but I'm not going after them lol
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 April 2013):
I think there's a fine line between preference and prejudice. I'm white and my preference is for non whites, but, I don't have avoid white girls or make sweeping generalizations about them in order to justify not dating them.
If you find yourself meeting a nice black guy who shows interest in you, and your first thought is oh, he's no good, he probably insert stereotype here, THEN you might want to think about why you feel that way.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (27 April 2013):
Wait until it feels right. At the end of the day, let’s say you were only interested in dating black men, would you then also be asking if you’re shallow?
What you’re talking about is the simple fact that, like everyone else, there are physical aspects to the formation of an attraction. For some people, height’s what matters, for others, weight, hair or eye colour. Skin colour’s obviously one of those things for you. This isn’t about race, this is about your physical preferences. Maybe this will never change, you’ll meet some-one of a different race and will be very happy. Maybe you will eventually meet a black man who is the one for you. Who knows! The question is why does it matter? But it’s not like you’re not open-minded about this and would ignore a black guy if you really were attracted to him. Don’t force yourself to try and feel attraction to some-one though, it doesn’t work like that. Go with what feels right and stop beating yourself up about having preferences because that’s human nature.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): Do you feel horrible for not liking mushrooms or olives too? No, well OP attraction is not a choice because frankly being attracted to more people would make life easier as your dating pool would be bigger. If it's not something you're able to choose then it's not your fault and you have no reason to feel guilty.
OP suprficial is not liking a guy because he's not rich enough, or doesn't have a nice car, superficial is you not willing to date a guy who doesn't wear suits even though you are attracted to him.
Not finding a person attractive based on race is not superficial, you are that race and have grown up with those men, they're your brothers, father, uncles, friends. You don't view them as less worthy of your love in any way.
I'm attracted to most races except pacific islanders. Maori, Hawaiians, Australian aborigines etc. It's not that I wouldn't date one because of their ethnicity because like you I'd date anyone I found attractive from any race or creed. I just have never found women from those ethnicities attractive.
OP don't be so hard on yourself, you like what you like, it's not that you're choosing to be this way and of course if you ever found a black guy attractive you'd have no problem dating him and that may well happen in the future.
Do what feels best for you OP, don't worry about any duty to fairness or any of that. You'd be unfair to date someone you're not attracted to for that reason.
You'll find your own path and you'll even surprise yourself OP, you may not go weak at knees at the sight of a black guy but there's every chance one will make his way into your heart and become the most beautiful sight to you. As long as you never close yourself off to the idea then who knows?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): I kind of understand what you mean. I'm black, from England and I've only dated white guys. I went on one date with a black guy and it went spectacularly badly. I like you, kinda felt bad about my dating pattern. I've had a think about it to understand why... This is what I've come to realise.I'm not personally religious and I am bisexual. And from experience, most of my black friends are either religious and or homophobic. The schools I went to and the area I grew up in hardly had any black people as well. Ironically I went to one of the most culturally and racially diverse universities in the country but in my bachelors degree class I was the only black person and my extracurricular activities tended to have only one other black person apart from me for example.So while I didn't consciously avoid dating anyone specifically, because I hate stereotyping, I found that the friendship groups I had who had very liberal values like I did and who enjoyed the same activities I did just happened to consist of a particular demographic. And that is not something to feel guilty about I decided.Skin colour is only one of many aspects of someone and it would be a shame to completely close yourself from getting to know someone based on that. I would say discover what hobbies you enjoy and hang out with similar minded people - whatever form they come in. You're more likely to meet someone that way. A 'type' is just that. Some people like tall women, others like skinny, some like big butts, others big breasts etc. But I'd advise you to focus more on personality and chemistry than that because longterm relationships are not built on finding the right type. Having said that, when I was 14 I loved learning french and I decided that when I grow up, I would find myself a frenchman. A decade later, I'm about to move in with my white French partner in Paris. I love him to bits and he treats me like a queen! That dream has come true because I followed what I enjoyed and voila, here I am.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 April 2013):
 Don't be so tough on yourself. If you have not yet settled down with your life partner then you are still settling on your wish list. A list of qualities and beliefs, values and attitudes that you think are essential in a man to guarantee your happiness.We like who we like. There are many people, male and female, who have particular preferences. Some for the same race, some for any race at all, and some for a different race. Those preferences can change over time, depending on a person's life experiences.We are all people. Ask the scientists who sequence DNA - our genes are almost identical in many ways, for all people on the world. Whether a person is blue, green, purple, any color you care to mention. And there are good people in every society of people all over the world.But it is the qualities and values and attitudes that womenare looking for, to (hopefully) guarantee long term happiness with our beloved.Perhaps in your mind you have come to believe that some values and attitudes are more likely to exist (or not exist) in a partner with a darker skin. And that might trouble you. As generalizations are indeed inaccurate and the wrong way to go.You may not have met the love of your life yet. And who he is and what it is that appeals to you may or may not yet be qualities that appeal to you now.And this may surprise you but there may be guys who have particular preferences too.Though as you get a little older you will look at the whole man and just focusing on the visual looks will be out-classed by integrity, genuiness, values and attitudes in line with yours, ethical and respected by his peers. And he could be any nationality and any race and believe me when you find the man you feel competely comfortable with you will know he is right.Of course you are not shallow feeling this way. You have just not met enough people yet. If you booked a walking tour through Europe over summer you might be surprised how some of your prejudices become irrelevant and your attitude may become more open to all people.I hear people making grand broad statements about particular groups of people and I know their remarks just reflect that they have not been open in their communication.People easily pick up when another person is prejudiced. It can be a look, or an avoidance strategy of not looking. It can be too quick to find fault, whereas they can be overly forgiving of another group and excuse their failings.I would not suggest pushing yourself too hard. If a charming well mannered guy (any color) asks you out and you feel comfortable to go on one date, then what have you lost if you do date him?And a few years later your particular preferences for a guy (of any color) may have changed.As a teen I enjoyed a holiday that brought me into contact with a lot of the Italian staff. Wow, as an impressionable teen I was completely impressed by Italians. Then my mother started berating me (she was very prejudiced in various ways). But my liking for men with Italian looks persisted. Then I met the man I married. His first name sounded Italian. He had the darkest of black hair. He was athletic and tanned though not from Italian born family (at least not for previous 200 years)And his surname was not Italian. So I was able to marry my Italian looking man and evade my mother's prejudices. I had the best of both worlds. And of course he will forever stay young and dark haired to me as he passed away.I think I would have felt wrong if I had remarried a man who looked like my first husband.So my second husband has looks that are nothing like my first husband. He's fit, but not into competitive sport like my first husband. And his personality is different too.Both have proved to be very good men.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): You're not a jerk. You don't have to date in your own race. Especially nowadays,because most people, especially in America, aren't even %100 one race anyways.
Just because you don't find someone physically attractive, doesn't mean you're a bad person.
Although I will end with the saying "looks aren't everything". So don't discredit someone if they aren't what you're looking for as far as looks right away. If it's possible that you could grow to love their looks, or even if you just think there' ok/average/etc, and they have other good qualities you find in a date, then give them a chance if you'd like.
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