A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,Ive been dating my boyfriend lets call him ''bob'' for three years. During the time we've dated i've noticed he can be very possessive and controlling. He is this way about my best friends, what i eat, make up, decisions about our relationship, and my hobbies. When we argue he seems to talk down to me. He becomes the parent and i become the child.He then becomes extremely angry and calls me horrible names. I usually end up crying and admitting hes right just to end the argument. He never seems to apologize unless Im at my wits end and about ready to leave the relationship. He then makes empty promises that he will change. In my opinion i find this behavior verbally abusive but in his opinion this is just normal fighting. Over the last few months our arguments have gotten worse because ive stopped crying and started sticking up for myself. The last fight we had was about how we handled situations. At first it wasnt heated but he then called me emotional and too sensitive so i called him crazy. He then told me he was about to snap and thats when he had threatened to ruin my life and would try to get me fired at my job. He apolgized later and said that it was excusable because he was angry amd that he would never do such a thing. It was just so i would stop talking. He says that when couples fight whatever they say to each other should not be taken seriously when emotions are high. But i disagree. So my question is, is his threat excusable because were in a fight or should it be taken more seriously? I took it seriously but i dont know if im over reacting or not.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 Well done, you've made a brave decision and, for what it's worth, I think, the right one.
You can't expect someone like him to back off easily I'm afraid, but you have done the right thing confiding in friends and family.
As Aunty SVC says, hang in there, it will pass.
ABx
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 September 2013):
 thanks for the update... sorry he's being a pain.... stay strong and this will pass.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): Hey everyone I just want to say thank you to everyone who responded. This helped tremendously. I broke up with him but just like -so very confused said- hes making it hard to cut the ties. He is in denial the break up is over. I dont live with him and were not married. I told my closet friends and family what is going on I just have to be strong and hold my ground.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 September 2013):
he is wrong... what couples say when fighting does count.. and it's their true nature.
it's going to be very hard to leave him but that's what you should do.
he's possive
he's controlling
he's threatening
you are being abused and you need to leave but you need to be careful because he's going to do EVERYTHING in his power to make you stay. Do not play his games. "take a break" if you must and tell him you want to think some things over... do NOT be swayed by his loving generous attention while you are thinking.... what you are thinking of his how to avoid this mess...
the next step will be he manhandles you or he hits you.... will you leave then?
if you are afraid to leave him due to how he might react... well that should say it all.
do you need help with an exit strategy?
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A
male
reader, Boost +, writes (23 September 2013):
You need to get out of this abusive relationship before it turns violent
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 September 2013):
 It is abusive, and you know it, unfortunately you are mimicking his behavior and throwing it back at him, I think because you are desperate for him to see what he is doing is wrong. Or because you really don't know how to stand up for yourself?
But the saying, two wrongs never make a right, rings true.
Your relationship doesn't sound healthy at all. My question is this WHY do you let him treat you this way? WHY do you let him control things like friends, make up, hobbies? WHY does he get to have a say? Do you tell him what to do in those areas?
You know he won't change, so why cling on to the hope that he will?
A threat to get you to "fall in line" is serious and never excusable. Ever. He has been so used to you ACCEPTING whatever he "throws" at you and even apologizing to HIM for not just agreeing. It's become a pattern for you two except when YOU escalated it by "fighting back" he escalated HIS behavior too. This is not going to end well if you two keep going at it like this. There is standing up for yourself (speaking your mind) and then there is getting into the gutter with him. The latter does nothing to resolve the issue, it just makes MORE issues.
And last but not least, it's not "Normal" for couples to do this.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (23 September 2013):
 You said it yourself: he's possessive and controlling in pretty much every aspect of your life. This is not normal.
Get out of this relationship now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): You are in an abusive relationship. What he's doing is certainly not acceptable nor is it excusable.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 September 2013):
 You're in an abusive relationship. he has a lot of growing up to do. There's never an excuse for saying things like that to someone, no matter how mad you are. that's ridiculous. And until he can actually recognize that his behavior is NOT acceptable, he won't change, as his sees nothing wrong with it.
But yes. This is abusive. and no, it's not justifiable.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (23 September 2013):
People say a lot of things when they're angry that they don't mean but that doesn't mean to say it's acceptable or excusable.
He certainly is displaying all the signs of a man who is a bully. He may not be or get violent but he clearly enjoys emotionally controlling you and backs down when he thinks you're going to leave.
I had an ex just like this and after some years I eventually left him. I thought I would be sad and lost without him but I felt liberated from the moment I walked away. I vowed then never to be with someone who didn't treat me well.
You're right his promises to change are empty and unless he gets some professional help he'll never be able to change because his treatment of you is a habit now as much as a warped perspective.
It is normal for couples to row but not normal to name call and put down and dominate.
If you love him (despite this) you must stand up for yourself and insist he gets some help for his temper and treatment of you.
My guess is he'll deny there is a problem and accuse you of being over sensitive. If he refuses to seek help then you should move on.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 September 2013):
 I don't think you are overreacting. There's fighting fair, and there's fighting dirty, and name calling, insults and threats are fighting dirty. Anger explains them, but it does not justify them. Particularly if it's not an exceptional, once-in-a-lifetime evenience but a regular mode of communication.
Btw, unluckily you are adopting his communication mode too, of answering to critiques with insults. " You are too emotional " is a critique, " you are crazy " is an insult.
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