A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Have you ever seen the movie 'no strings attached?' Well, Natalie Portmans character is me! I'm afraid of commitment and 26 years old. I am pressured by my wonderful, caring but extremely traditional south Asian parents to get married. This makes me rebel but also try too hard on dates, jump too fast and always end up hooking up with guys that I'm not even too interested in. I go months without physical contact with a man and so when I go our on a date, by the second or third date I end up hooking up with them. Most hook ups don't entail sex but some nudity. Yesterday I had oral sex after a year with someone who cared about me lots and I knew he'd please me. I feel like I let my private parts think for me, kinds like a dude. I don't get attached, in fact after the hook ups, I find an excuse to never see them again. I'm not good at flow and steady because of the physical aspect that makes me jump and then get scared away from the emotions or the commitment. It's so much easier yo just hook up. I'm trying to figure out why I can't stop myself, even with guys I'm not that into. Is it because I'm naturally horny, or I'm just wanting to get physical attention after s few months? Why do I run away after? Most of these physical experiences aren't even so great, yesterday's oral happened because he was just that good! I just wonder if ill find love if I jump so fast and stress out every time if I meet someone whose interested in me. I always need to have that talk straight away saying this isn't for me or I'm not ready for commitment. Is it just that I haven't met the right guy or I keep making unnecessary excuses? What's going on?? How do I stop having casual hook ups, get serious and meet mr right?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2012): As long as you are having protected sex and not expecting more, there is no rule you can't have one night stands and there is no rule you have to settle down by any age. Some women remain single their whole lives. It's up to you, not society or your parents now. The end result of having casual relationships WILL probably result in you being single and no one can do that to yourself but you (not that it's a bad thing)...society or your parents aren't the ones jumping in the sack the first night. I wouldn't worry about having a candid talk with these men about how you are not commitment ready...most will correctly assess that after your first date. Most men in your age group who you are meeting for these hookups are probably the exact same ones not looking for anything more than sex either, whether that's sex for one night or keeping you on the texting circuit for casual sex later.
Mr.Right, if you want to call it that, only shows up after you become Mrs. Right. The male mind is more or less hardwired to discard promiscuous women as a potential partner and they only have your actions to base that on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys! I agree, maybe I'm immature, late bloomer. I didn't kiss a guy until I was 18, had sex at 23 so I'm just doing things later than the norm. Thanks Cerberus and to roxypuss, u two got me the most! I do feel like I won't find love being this way or I need to be more serious but I'm not going to hold back something that feels naturally good to me. It's just hard not to.
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A
female
reader, Roxypuss  +, writes (23 December 2012):
I think there is no issue here and that you're creating one. As long as you make it clear that something is just casual so there are no hard feelings there's no issue with you just having oral with such n such and then backing off. Maybe you back off because you're worried about hurting the guys feelings, possibly since you seem to think you're odd for having emotionally detached sex that that must mean such n such a guy might get attached so you run off to save his feelings. Unfortunately even when you're clear with someone about being casual they can still get attached but there's not point worrying till that happens and then clearly and calmly breaking things off.Being 26 is irrelevant, you don't have to settle down yet, now or ever. You don't particularly seem to want to more that you feel you ought to. Settling down is entirely in your hands, there's no timer it's not like when you're 60 they'll be no men on the earth. However I get the impression that you feel casual sex taints your image of a perfect relationship, that you couldn't possibly fall in love with such n such because it didn't start right, you had passionate sex not months of canal walks. You're mistaken here, love can pop in the most imperfect of situations, one of my biggest relationships started with me cheating on my previous partner with a guy (I told him etc. but I'm not proud) and then continuing a relationship with this guy, now let's be honest that's a terrible start and I was racked with guilt but it didn't stop us falling in love etc. we ultimately broke up over financial issues so it wasn't a constant problem.Quite often the people you fall for are not people who fit your idea of perfection, I've fell in love two or threes times and not one of them did I initially fancy. All of them I slept with quite early on, there's plenty of time for recreating romance scenes from movies later. I wish you luck, don't be so hard on yourself or your potential suitors, maybe avoid analysing whether someone is relationship material until you get to know them, it seems very much that you jump the gun. No offence but you don't know that these guys have worked out if they like you yet, with some people your feelings will be obvious with others they emerge.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2012): It seems pretty clear to me OP, while you may think you're rebelling you're actually not, it's the opposite. You're firmly entrenched in the idea that your parents have drilled into you of finding Mr. Right and not accepting anything less than perfect and only to get exclusive with someone who ticks all those boxes. It's made you a commitment-phobe because frankly OP your expectations are far too high.
You still have needs OP, for closeness, sex etc. so you fulfil those with guys you don't really like on purpose so you can throw them away without getting too attached, pretty easily.
With all due respect, you're kind of being an idiot. As others have said Mr. Right doesn't exist, that's a fantasy based on some very strict set of standards you have created in your mind. No man will ever live up to those lofty standards.
It's easily fixed OP, the solution is pretty easy but doing it for the first time can be tough.
This guy who gave great head and cares about you, why not continue seeing him? If you're attracted to him even if you're not blown away by him, he's nice and you get along well, then just ignore your instinct to run off and take the chance. Just keep dating him.
OP women like you find life tough because you make life tough on yourself. You close yourself off emotionally, you set your standards too high to appease some kind of generational attitude that he has to be mr. right, you expect to have some kind of weird deep attraction to a guy or maybe that you'll "just know" when he is mr. right but what you don't get OP is mr. right coming along only happens in the movies and rarely in the real world. Most of us have to go through a good few partners before we find a great love. The reason that is, is because it's only through dating and relationships do we actually learn what is right and wrong for us in a person. Even then the next person may surprize you and you may learn new things about yourself.
Plus everyone is at their nicest at the start and showing the best side of them. A great love is a person who has flaws but when viewed in the entire package those flaws enhance them as a partner.
OP commitment is like swimming. It comes naturally to some people but those scared of the water who want to learn to swim will just get the water and learn. You don't just dive head first either. You put your toes in, then your feet, then your whole body, then you wade around the shallow end and eventually swim off into the deep end. Just treat it the same way, the only way to conquer a fear is to take a risk with the right precautions. It's pretty easy to swim once you learn how.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 December 2012):
 IAmHereToHelpYou hit it right on the head. You're 26. You should have outgrown the "need to rebel" 10 years ago when you were a 16 year old kid! You call your shots now, not your parents.
And along those lines, that desire not to commit, to use physical relations to avoid emotional intimacy, and to run from those you got physically close to is the very definition of immaturity. Maybe in other areas, you've grown up, but in the matters of love, you're still 15. I've seen plenty of "dudes" who are capable of deep, meaningful relationships where their emotional strength defines them.
So, you're not like a typical man. You're like a typical immature man or woman. But you get credit for wanting to be better than you are. For that, you need to mature. Start thinking with your parents that it's now adult-to-adult, not strict parent/rebelling child. Not only that, but YOU choose the type of guy you want to be with. Don't push everyone away for fear that you'll find a flaw in them. Hold off on the sex for a minimum 3 months in a relationship. No, I'm not saying that ALL relationships need to hold off that long, but in your case, you use it as a shield and need to break your pattern.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (23 December 2012):
 Youre with these men to fill some emotional void but once u realize that void is filled only temporarily u run away from it fearing it could last longer. Id say u need to do some serious reflection on ur past relationships so u can move on. Otherwise u will b stuck in this cycle. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2012): You might think that the lifestyle you live is no big deal. You're 26. If you don't clean up your act NOW, I'm sorry honey but you'll be left behind. Why? Because all the men will chase after much younger women then you. The older you get, the less demand you'll be in the market. Also, men CANNOT value a woman who offers intimacy cheaply & sex easily. Why would I buy the cow if I'm getting the milk for free? From where I'm standing your gender identity is so messed up & twisted. Our 20's is a period in our development as human beings where we should begin to successfully form permanent bonds with members of the opposite sex. We were not meant to search out sex hungrily throughout our 20's. This leads to dysfunction. If you want to be a lonely bitter 40 year old single woman, continue the lifestyle you're living. Otherwise stop pretending to be a man. Wise up & be a real woman. Set the right feminine standards & live by them instad of coasting through life clueless about your feminine identity.
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