A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my wife had a little girl alomst 2 years ago but since then we have only had sex a handful of times i have tried romantic baths etc. Have spoke to her and dont really get a response as to why we dont have sex anymore just wondering what else i can do its really upsetting as it feels like she doesnt fancy me anymore Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2015): Thankyou male anon for your response , as you can see many people
Here were taken aback with your first reply
Whilst I do understand what you are saying and that you see six months as a time that a wife would see it's an issues ... The problem is this ....
IF the ops wife does have depression, the last thing she may be capable of
Is concern over her husband having sex with her and whilst it
Is easy to sit back and talk about a man wanting sex with his wife ( which is completely natural) a more compassionate and realistic approach is to recognise that it's LIKELY we are talking about a woman who could be feeling worthless, unattractive and possibly even suicidal.
I know some may look upon that statement as extreme , however as a mother of four who has suffered postnatal depression twice , I know
This to be possible
We can't say she has it for sure but it sounds very likely
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): I am the male anon who wrote the unpopular PPD comment. I apologize for the misunderstanding. I did not say my viewpoint clearly. I agree PPD is a serious problem and can last years.
But does the OP's wife have PPD? That is being assumed. It has to be assumed because the OP's wife has been avoiding talking about their sex life or dealing with it.
How long can a husband be expected to wait in patient silence for their sex life time to come back? How long before she owes it to her husband to have a real conversation about the problem? Maybe agree to see a doctor, or read a book about PPD, etc? How long is it okay to completely push the problem under the rug with no end in sight?
I think 6 months is an acceptable time to expect a husband to wait patiently without a lot of complaint. After that its time to treat this like a problem that needs to get some attention and effort.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 March 2015):
 Don't you love it when MEN knows ALL about postpartum? Like freaking Tom Cruise all over..
There is NOT time limit on PPD, it can start out rather "mild" and turn worse over time. Specially if untreated. Many women think if they just "wait" it will go away. Some are not even aware of HOW badly it affects them. PPD makes you FEEL like you are FAILING as a woman and a mother - and if you have a husband who doesn't know or understand, that WILL compound the issue, because NOW you feel like you are failing as a wife too.
SO OP, read BROWN WOLF's advice... not male anon.
And maybe talk to your wife (not about getting sex) but about her maybe talking to her doctor. (If you think it could be PPD)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 March 2015):
 Anon male, the 6 months post partum you mention is perhaps the limit that YOU would feel able to handle in your personal case, but it has got nothing to do with reality ,and with medical science, which knows perfectly how post partum depression is different from your normal 2-3 weeks " baby blues " ( definition coined by superfamous psychologist Winnicott ).Post partum depression can last from several months to a few YEARS. With the complication that, it may become entrenched and chronicized, from a temporary biochemical reaction to hormonal changes in the woman's body ( which, per se, it takes about a year to process and " digest " ) - due to the anxiety, feeling of guilt , and inadequacy felt by a woman who is , or feels, pressured to fulfill ALL the roles she is expected ( included that of lover ) and to give what she should but she CAN'T give ( passion, sexual desire ).In other words, what easily makes a preexisting depressive condition WORSE ,it is JUST the attitude of a partner who'd say : oh snap out of it, it's 6 months already ! , you are not sick but just looking for excuses.
What you are surely right is, what I think it's implied in your post, i.e. that if an even mild post partum depression is suspected, that can't be indefinitely swept under the carpet and ignored; it must be dealt with professionally and clinically- it's not enough to just wait and hope for the best, because it may pass on his own as it has come, once the body chemicals aren't out of whack anymore, or, it may NOT without proper help and meds.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): I'd like to know if the male poster below who claimed that postpartum depression is an excuse for maybe half a year is a doctor or a psychologist??? Because as a woman who has suffered this condition twice AND has some some professional training in this I can assure him and others that this is often NOT the case .postpartum depression is a serious condition that can last several years. That, of course is not to say that this woman had postpartum depression and their could be other issues at play such as body image issues which are serious also. To put sexual desires above someones mental health is nothing but selfish and this is the type of attitude that condones porn use which often escalates a new mothers feelings of ugliness and inadequacyHowever the most importbat point that needs to be made is that postpartum depression is neither an excuse , nor is it limited to six months!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): I think any young healthy person who denies their spouse sex for a year, without even being willing to talk about it or anything, has given up their claim on their partner. Im not really saying go cheat on your wife but I am putting this in perspective. Postpartum depression is an explanation for maybe half a year. But its not a justification for denying you 2 years without even trying to deal with it. That problem is very real but denying a young healthy husband sex for 2 years is a very real problem too. You already have done more than your share of the compromise by putting up with this drought for as long as you have without communication from her side. I think she needs to decide whether she wants to keep her husband or not. The common advice for this is always telling the husband to try harder but you can't make it work alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): Brownwolf, your wife must be one happy woman!
'Even when the baby is sleeping she is still in mother mode, and not in hubby mode.'
'2nd...Slow roast your wife. Yes...slow...roast. This is where your patience comes in. Your ability to touch your wife ever so sexually, kiss her neck, touch her hands...and then walk away.'
Amen to that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 March 2015):
I have to agree with EVERYTHING Brown Wolf said.
Having given birth 3 times, I know there have been times post baby that I had ABSOLUTELY no interest in sex. And with hubby gone for work from 4am-8/9pm 5/6 days a week I was exhausted from taking care of house kid(s).
Thankfully my hubby was VERY good at making sure I got some "me-time" here and there, even when I really didn't want it, he'd send me off to the store or tell me to go for a walk/run/bike ride. I would then come home to a coupe of wore out kids and tired hubby.
Also he would be good for tossing on a load of laundry, empty the dishwasher, take out the trash if it was needed.
The "slow roast" Brown Wolf is talking about is very good too, it's tell her that YOU are still attracted to her with out being I WANT SEX - demand.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (14 March 2015):
 Women don't typically like sex until their emotional needs are met. Men tend to need their sexual needs met in order to meet their emotional needs. Be sure you are giving her what she needs and perhaps you receive what you need as well
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2015): I'm the same way with my husband. I am not interested in having sex with him because: I work part time and look after our toddler and do most of the housework and am exhausted, he never asks me how I am or does anything to help me, I feel tired out and never get time to feel like myself instead of a hatrassed mother, he is not interested in date nights, I don't get chance to dress up specially and feel sexy anyone despite being in good physical shape...all in all, I feel unappreciated by him and when he approaches me for sex I feel he just wants to use me/my body.What would make me want to have sex with him? Feeling appreciated and cared for-he just needs to ask how I'm doing/can he help! Having some time to myself to be me not a mother. Talking together. Having dates.That's just me. Your wife may have lost her body confidence or may even be frightened that sex will hurt.First step? Try doing little things to make her life a bit easier-help with the kids and let her have a soak in the tub. And don't then link this to a demand for sex! Build up to it very slowly, be patient-it will be worth the wait!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2015): I know a lot of females start feeling insecure about their bodies after pregnancy, which is totally understandable.
For example, their stomach may not be as flat as it was before, she may have stretch marks, her breasts may have started to sag, etc etc. These are all normal things to happen to a body from pregnancies. It's hard for a girl to accept new changes to their bodies, and they feel insecure with sex.
This is just an opinion, it could be something else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2015): hi,,I probably shouldn't even respond to this cause I never understood why couples tell me they dont have sex anymore I'm 36 n hve been in 3 long term relationships an always had sex,,but I that's me,,now she might feel insecure about herself,,(maybe her body? idk etc) or it could be she's just not a sexual person, ,but if u tried everything then I would try to tak to her again an actually get a response ask her why she doesn't like to hve sex etc,,then go from there,,hope that helps coming from a girl who's never had that issue n woulnt want deal with my partner not giving it to me on a regular basis,, but good luck
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (14 March 2015):
 Hi OP,
Been there. Son was no problem, but her hormones changed with my daughter. Three years for me, and yes it was hell...but their is a lesson to learn. Having a daughter teaches you a whole new word, and teaches you how to live that word. That word is...patience.
When a woman has a baby, her mind is all about making sure the baby is looked after...all the time. Even when the baby is sleeping she is still in mother mode, and not in hubby mode. How do you fix it...WORK.
Mothers need more privacy than non-mothers. The want to feel that they do not have to worry about the baby at all. So when you come home from work, the baby is yours until it's time for bed. It does not matter if you have to climb Mt.Everest every day to get to work. Your daughter is yours to look after when you get home. And I don't mean to watch TV. Take her out of the house to give your wife some peace. The more happy your daughter is with you, the more relax your wife will feel knowing your daughter is being well looked after.
2nd...Slow roast your wife. Yes...slow...roast. This is where your patience comes in. Your ability to touch your wife ever so sexually, kiss her neck, touch her hands...and then walk away. Most women find men's sexual approach very predictable. Men go right in for the kill. No finesse, no patience, just RRRRR...let's do it. But not you. You do something sweet and pay no mind to what you just did. You are not expecting anything...just I love you.
Touch your wife down South and go no further, just a hug after, a kiss, and conversation as to how her day was....guess what??? Her mind starts to add more to what you just did. Next day same thing. No expecting, just attention. Soon her mind will do the rest and add enough sexual thoughts to light her fire.
Women are not men. We are ready when the wind change direction. Women need to feel the wind all over them. The reason why women sex drive is so different, is for us men to learn patience. Not just to get sex, but even when having sex. Rabbit sex is good for some situations, but spending time opening her flood gates will make her come back for more as much as you can handle.
If you masturbate...stop. Nothing makes a woman feel more non sexual than when her man chooses a fantasy women over her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2015): When there is no open-line of regular communication between a couple; your partner doesn't know how to talk to you. If you're a poor listener, or prone to overreact; they'll avoid deep discussions. if sex is an embarrassing topic for her, she may never disclose her true feelings about it.
My friend, your spouse is in shutdown.
You may have been very inattentive during her pregnancy. She may have faced the worst of it alone, and you didn't make her feel attractive and wanted. Maybe she has put on a little weight, and feels you don't see her as attractive as she used to be. Now she has a toddler to chase around the house, and she just feels exhausted.
I always hate to say this to guys, but here goes. Your love-making technique may be boring and predictable. No kissing and insufficient foreplay. You may otherwise show no affection, until you want sex.
Do you watch porn or have a stash? If you do, she may have snooped around and found it. That is a nasty blow to many women's self-esteem; even if it makes no sense to us males.
Get the grandparents to baby-sit your daughter. Take her out to dinner and on dates like you did when you courted her. Plan a couple of weeks on a vacation for just the two of you. Don't pressure her for sex, just give her time-off from being a full-time mom, distance from her familiar surroundings, and just let HER be the center of attention. See if that reawakens her sex-drive.
Shear exhaustion and a lack of sleep zaps a woman's energy, lowers her sex-drive, and don't be surprised if she's not anemic. When's the last time she had a physical exam, and when's the last time you took her on a vacation? Just the two of you? She may need blood-work to check her estrogen-levels and to check for unforeseen maladies.
My guess is, it's all of the above. If she's still in her twenties, it's probably physiological. Not that she's no longer in love with you. Be sweet, affectionate, and understanding all the same. Show your genuine concern, outside your demand for sex, and she will open-up to you.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (13 March 2015):
 She may have postpartum depression with her hormones gone out of whack. She should go for full blood work including hormone check. Lot of women get this sort of an issue after giving birth.
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