A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm at university and I've decided I don't want to have sex before marriage, as I don't want to sleep with someone who isn't fully committed to me. I feel very strongly about this and I don't think I'd like to change it. I'm definitely not asexual (I've made out with quite a few guys in clubs) but I feel it's important to have some self-control regarding sex as sometimes I've felt guilty after making out etc. and I'd like to start adopting high standards. I'd be willing to do some sexual things, but definitely not anything that leads to getting pregnant. That in particular means a lot to me.However, I'd like to try dating and being in a relationship, but my views on sex before marriage are obviously seen as abnormal in the current culture today; lots of guys just expect random hook-ups, and even the "average" young British guy will expect sex within a month of starting to date, if not a couple of weeks. Only a few close friends know of my position on this, but people sometimes see me as prudish/innocent/"one of those religious nuts" when they find out I've never slept with anyone.Realistically, am I limited to only dating fellow Christian guys? I don't care about someone's religion, but it's almost impossible to find a guy who won't want sex. And even some of the Christian guys I know at uni profess to be strongly religious but seem to have dubious morals regarding women (e.g. flirting strongly with multiple girls at one time). I'd like to keep my standards up, but am I being unreasonable by expecting all the men I date (and eventually the one I marry) to not expect sex before marriage? And where can I find guys like these? I probably won't get married till I'm at least 25 as welll - is it unrealistic to expect to find a guy at that age who hasn't slept with anyone?Thanks :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2013): Thanks. :) I understand sex bonds couples, though, but if it was the make or break factor that would make a guy interested enough to commit to marriage (or not) then surely he wouldn't be the best person to marry/sleep with anyway?
Also, are guys who are religious/conservative enough to wait for sex till after marriage usually still open enough to talking about/experimenting with possible sexual compatibility (without sleeping with each other) before getting married?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): I think its wise not to have sex if he relationship is casual or if you don't know or feel comfortable with the guy.But if the relationship is committed and long term and you want to know whether to make it "forever " with all the strings attached to discourage a future break up (I.e. turning the relationship into a legal marriage) then i think it is a good idea to include sex in the relationship. By that time you should already know each other very well and really trust each other anyway, if you are even considering marriage. So having sex at that point isn't like doing it casually, it is actually a serious act that bonds you as a couple. It is not saying that you should have sex to keep the guy interested. Rather, having sex in a long term committed relationship strengthens the relationship and perhaps increases your partner's desire to want to make the relationship permanent with strings attached . And it lets you know if you are also suited to each other on this important aspect of a future marriage. Sexual problems often breaks apart marriages even if the marriage officially and legally continues. That means the marriage turns into a relationship where one or both partners are just really unhappy or unsatisfied. The consequences of being unhappy in a marriage (where it isn't so easy to end the relationship and start over because of all the strings attached) are varied. I guess I just feel that since marriage is supposed to be forever and it has a lot of strings attached that can either really bless your life or really mess it up, it should be entered into conservatively. And I think it is the opposite of being conservative when the attitude is that "everything will change" upon signing the dotted line. I don't believe that anything should change upon marriage. The relationship should be the same before as after marriage. That's just my opinion and you don't have to agree with any of it, of course. You should stick to what feels right for you and seek out men who feel the same way, to explore relationships with. I do think you should make your values clear early on in the relationship because as you know, yours is not the dominant viewpoint in today's society so based on that I think you should inform make this clear early on so as to not mislead the men you date.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): It isn't unrealistic to expect this but it will limit your pool of guys to choose from that's all. But that is the whole point. You should want to only consider guys who share this same value as you and not to impose this value on guys who don't currently have it. That means that you should expect many dates to lead to dead ends and not get upset at that because that is the natural weeding out process. To make things smoother and save time you should limit yourself to religious guys because they will have a higher chance of sharing this same value or at least understanding it and respecting you for it. However, bear in mind some practical issues for AFTER the marriage. Being married to someone whom it turns out you don't like having sex with, will make for a miserable marriage or at best a mildly depressing one even if everything else about the guy is great. This is because humans have sexual needs. And if you're married then your only sexual outlet is to be your spouse and same goes for him. And if sex with your spouse sucks then that means one of your (and his) primal basic needs will go unmet as long as the marriage continues. And if you don't believe in divorce then this means pretty much for the rest of your earthly lives. And that kind of long term unhappiness can and often will spill into other areas of your life and relationship eventually. I am not trying to dissuade you from relaxing your morals. Just raising some practical considerations in case you have not thought about those.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2013): Yes, guys like this do exist. I met my boyfriend when I was a teenager, we've been together 6 years now. I asked him once how he felt about sex, he was not religious, and he said he would have it before marriage.
I decided I wanted to wait for marriage, and he respected my beliefs and we are still together. He told me although he would like to be intimate, I was more important to him and it was not a dealbreaker and he would be patient. I knew then he truly cared about me.
This is what a guy who really cares about you will say. He wont just be interested in the physical.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): Many (most) people in stable relationships live together before marriage. This means a full physical relationship and there is a good reason for that. If you want marriage to be forever - you really need to be a full-on couple and know you are suited in every sense. So yes, save yourself but I would suggest you save yourself for a special long term relationship, but not particularly marriage. Let's be honest, some guys will not wait years if marriage is a distant prospect. And nice girls do have sex you know.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 That's totally possible. I met a few people in relationships who shared your ideals in university.
"Realistically, am I limited to only dating fellow Christian guys?"
The people who I mentioned before were all religious, and were matched with people who they met in church or faith-based organizations. I think you'll find that most men who want to remain celibate until marriage are going to be religious (not necessarily Christian, though).
Since you say you're open to doing sexual things aside from penetration, I don't think that you'll have much of a problem finding a willing partner at all.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 As for the sexual compatibility, don't worry about it. It's not necessary to have intercourse to know if you're sexually compatible. Sexual compatibility shows in several other ways, and as most of us women know.. our brains are our erogenous zone. If a man can turn you on, make you feel hot, show his desire for you, is passionate, knows how to kiss you, hug you, is affectionate, can't take his eyes off of you, holds your hand and touches you the way you like.. stimulates your mind, knows his way with romance etc, then you will know if you are sexually compatible. Foreplay starts outside of the bedroom after all. If the chemistry is there then you know.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 It is not unrealistic to expect to find one, - it is unrealistic to expect to find many, or several, or various.
You said it yourself , the majority of men expect sex at some point of the relationship , and this may be wrong in your eyes, but, it is what it is. I also think that someone who loves you will be patient and respect your views and timeline, but... within limits, I mean, maybe later on, but, right now, if you are 18 or 19, and you can't get married until 25 or later, this guy should wait 7 or 8 years ...that's objectively a lot to ask , don't be surprised or scandalized if many guys would balk at the idea on principle and don't feel up to it.
Conclusion, there sure are 25 y.o. and older male virgins, and / or guys that would accept to wait for years- just not terribly many, it's inevitable that your dating pool is going to be restricted . You'll have many less men to chose among.
But, that should not scare you, I guess. When you believe in something you believe in it unconditionally, not just until it is convenient, or easy, or practical.
If these are your values, you'll stick to them even if they'll make you less sought after or less popular or whatnot. If something is REALLY important to you, you keep at it even if makes your life more complicated or less amusing.
May I add, just for the sake of conversation and not in the attempt to convince you :) , that I find your attitude rather bizarre. Same as those of all the women that refuse intercourse but would do all the rest. Who are you, Bill Clinton ? :) Oral sex, for instance, is not sex ? One orifice is more virtuous than another ?... Or, taking someone to orgasm by letting him rub against some part of your naked body, is purer and chaster than if he comes inside you ? Why ?
You say that you'd be willing to do sone sexual stuff but not penetration, if it's sexual stuff that implies genital contact with the body, and ejaculation, how it is "nicer" and more virtuous than regular coitus ?
As you see, I am more realist than the King,;) I do not believe at all in this saving yourself for marriage stuff- but if one does , she should , IMO, really be saving herself for real, her total innocence, her purity ,.... not just that little, insignificant snippet of membrane called hymen.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 April 2013):
You're not limited to dating only a few Christian guys (although if you search for them you will see they're quite many, not so few). However, not all non-religious guys will accept waiting when they aren't of the same opinion as you when it comes to sex. That's just how it is I'm afraid. But you're free to date them, who knows, you might find a non religious man who wont mind waiting.
My boyfriend isn't religious, but I'm actually quite sure he'd wait until marriage if I had asked him too. But he was a virgin at 24, so he wasn't in a rush to have sex. So if you find a similar guy, someone who's not in a rush to have sex, then I think he wont mind waiting as long as the relationship is a great one.
You're not unreasonable to not want sex, but you are unreasonable if you expect all men to wait for you... They're not obliged to wait unless that's something they also want. Same like you're not obliged to have sex with them until you want to. They are within their rights to stop seeing you if they aren't up for a wait.
" I probably won't get married till I'm at least 25 as welll"
Ah, I have to say you are optimistic here. It's getting more and more common to wait with marriage until you're closer to your 30'ties, and for guys the age for getting married is around mid 30'ties these days. So if you want to be realistic, I say add 10 more years of expected waiting until marriage.
But what are your options here? Drop your ideals because they might require a prolonged wait for the right man? If you are actually serious about your beliefs/ideals and wishes, then you will have to be patient. Even if that means searching for 10-15 years for the right man.
Yes, you will probably find a man for you, that's not unrealistic. But it is unrealistic to think it will happen before you turn 25. Even if you find a guy who fits the criteria it doesn't mean he's going to be a good match for you. So be patient and don't rush into marriage with the first and best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): Thanks for both your answers :). Couldn't I simply ask the guy before we got married how much sex etc. he was expecting though? Also, I would be willing to do some sexual stuff beforehand (like making out) so wouldn't it be clear from that if we had chemistry or not?I'm not even 21 yet so I haven't really thought much about getting engaged. Most likely any relationships I get into now will not lead to marriage), and it's a while till I graduate and after then my career will probably involve a lot of travelling (I've already decided what I want to do after uni). That said, once I do find a serious relationship I'd be happy to move in (and sleep in the platonic sense) with the guy around the time of getting engaged; just not have sex with him. I feel like sex in a long-term relationship and if you're engaged is almost as good as sex before marriage, but I've had a lot of experience with guys and seen a lot of friends who got involved with guys who were mainly with them for one thing. I do honestly feel that the best way to value and protect myself is to wait till marriage. Engagement is obviously a very strong commitment, but surely if a guy is already engaged to me he can wait till the wedding?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2013): I don't think your focus should be on moralistic views toward sexuality. I think it should be about how you are loved and respected by men. Hanging on to your virginity satisfies your personal need to abstain until you are married; it has no impact on whether men respect you, or if you will have a blissful marriage.I advise you to take a realistic view toward marriage and sexuality. Your abstinence is a good choice; because you place love for yourself first, and choose not to use your sexuality as a means to an end. Often women give men what they want thinking that is how they secure the deal. The outcome isn't predictable. You have to be won over, and you believe there will be a right man for you. You're right.As far as partnerships formed with fellow Christians; so many people claim to be and really aren't. That doesn't guarantee you will not be hurt or manipulated by men who practice religious abstinence. They may be homosexual and living closeted, using religious belief as protection from discovery. Men may make these claims to test your gullibility. So set standards based on one's decency as an individual, and positive traits that have been confirmed by his demonstrative actions. Not his words.I only hope, that you reap the best reward for your virtuous outlook, and sensible approach. I hope the man who comes into your life realizes that you waited for him; and in turn, he goes out of his way to be sure it was worth the wait. Remain level-headed and keep your feet planted in reality. Try not to set standards too high to be reached by human beings. We come with faults, no written directions, or warning labels.
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A
female
reader, PookieEatsHearts  +, writes (16 April 2013):
I honestly don't think it's abnormal and I don't think it's unrealistic to find a guy who can understand you. I guess in today's society, there is the impression that having sex before marriage is a very common thing and has become the expectation that a guy has for his partner. But the thing is, if someone is committed to you, he would be willing to wait till after marriage to have intercourse with you, no?
Don't worry about it :) Even the guys who expect sex from you before marriage, if you explain clearly to them your values, I'm sure they'd understand. And if you want to find a guy who hasn't slept with anyone. Well, I guess you probably would someday. You'd be surprised actually. Not every single guy in this world has premarital sex. Some of them actually just keep it to themselves.
But if you meet a great and wonderful person who had had premarital sex, I don't think that should be a problem for you. After all, it's love, trust and commitment that's important in a marriage, not whether this guy had ever done it or not. But that's just my opinion :)
XOXO,
Eyrie
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (16 April 2013):
 HI
I don't think it's unrealistic at all. And I admire you for sticking to your guns. I wish I had when I was younger. Although the down side to this is if you marry a guy you love everything about then realise he just don't do it for you in the bedroom , and you feel no pleasure from him you will be trapped in a loveless & sexless marriage, then spend the rest of your time wondering what you missed out on. When people say " hey as long as they can please you in other ways" it will be fine are talking nonsense. No relationship can last when the sex is awful. Unless you plan on being a virgin forever together.
anyway there are plenty of guys out there with the same morals as you, and believe in the same as you do. So don't give up hope. you will find your Mr Right when your ready to.
Good luck
Mandy x
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