A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 24 year old guy. I met this girl, who's a couple of years younger than me, about a year ago. She's verbally impaired (mute, I don't like to call her by this name). We have been very good friends. I don't mind her disability at all. She's very sweet by nature. She had a troubled childhood and teenage because of her impairment. I came in touch with her through a friend of mine. A month ago she told that she's in love with me. But I couldn't give her an affirmative answer. The thing is I hate sex. This has been around with me for many years. I feel that sex is disgusting and relationships should be based more on pure love and trust and need to comfort each other in bad times. I'm not sure if I'll be good in a relationship because of this. I've never been in any though, neither has she been (probably because of the impairment). I have told her about my problem, but when I told her she became sad because she felt I was avoiding her due to her impairment. But trust me! She's probably the only person I would love in my life. There's no problem with her and I like her for what she is. She's beautiful and the best thing is that she has a good heart. That's what matters to me.She tells me she's never been so happy in her life, especially after her painful childhood.What should I do? I feel scared that once in a relationship with her, I may loose her because of lack of sex, and I won't be able to take that pain. Do I convince her? If so, then how? Will I be successful in the relationship? Thank you for the help!P.S.: I'm not a gay,I'm straight. I wouldn't mind living my life alone. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (17 April 2013):
hello, I congratulate you on not discriminating against this lady because of a disability.
not trying to label you, but have you looked up the term ''asexual'' ? does this describe you? obviously you dont need to share this but you might look it up online, it might sound like you and there is nothing wrong with this. also your dislike of sex might be due to views that were imposed on you when you were younger, that sex is wrong, or dirty, or shameful.
you have got some great advice here so mine is going to look very curt in comparison but I didnt see this being mentioned so I felt I needed to add to the other helpful answers.
all the best
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 April 2013):
 Many people who wait until marriage to have sex have great relationships. Other people have impairments that keep them from being able to have sex, and they still find enduring love. Sex and love are not one and the same. In fact, many people make that mistake and get into the position that they're loved, except instead, they're being used for sex.
It's okay if you prefer to abstain from sex. You can still have a relationship without it. However, how do you show love? Sex in a relationship is the outpouring of the expression of love. It's only disgusting when it's self-serving or used to gain something for selfish means, or used in a manipulative fashion.
So, in the absence of sex, how do you express to her the depths of your feelings? How do you give her emotional intimacy? That is what she wants. How do you show her that your love and closeness is something you feel actively? Love isn't just something you hope they know all the time.
Love is an *action* word. What do you do to strengthen the relationship? Many people who can't have sex can still have strong relationships, so don't think that just because you don't have sex, you can't have a relationship. But how do you meet her emotional needs?
Also, there are physical needs at play. Do you hug her and kiss her and hold her hand and put your arm around her? You'll lose her if you combine a disgust for sex with emotional aloofness or forced physical distance or a distaste for showing love or saying you love her.
I would also caution you on one thing here:
I don't want to make any judgments or assumptions on your activities, but you might be giving her signals if you consider sex disgusting, yet indulge on solo-sex with porn or masturbation or strip clubs. Like I said, there are physical needs, and if you're meeting your own in secret but refusing to ever meet hers out of disgust, this could become a ticking clock that could dismantle your relationships. If that is happening, I would suggest therapy for you to determine why your aversion to sex is, and how you can get to the bottom of something that may impair your ability to ever connect with a women physically. Because if you have sexual needs you're fulfilling, then you are already a sexual creature and need to learn how to incorporate the act of relieving sexual tension with how to express love to someone else. Again, I'm not judging you, but you can see how that could become the biggest issue, because it's one thing if you *can't* have sex. It's another thing when you can have all the solo sex you want, yet refuse to have it with another even after marriage.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 April 2013):
 Is she an selective mute (formerly called elective mutism) or is she physically mute? Is she mute due to hearing impairment?
The proper medical term is MUTE so you are not calling her names or being “politically incorrect” by saying she is MUTE. You would just be using the proper medical terminology.
You say you hate sex and find it disgusting; what has lead you to this belief? (BTW if you know and it’s very deeply personal you do not have to share it but at least admit it to yourself)
Relationships that are romantic in nature are generally defined as having a physical aspect to them. IF you CHOOSE to be non-sexual that’s your choice but if you are basing it on prior trauma or bad experiences, then you may be hurting yourself by not seeking treatment for it.
Loving romantic relationships are based on love and trust and comfort… and SEX is a part of that comfort.
She became sad at the realization that while she loves you, as it stands now you cannot be the man she wants and needs you to be and that is YOUR CHOICE. You are not saying you don’t see a NEED for sex, or that you do not WANT sex, rather you are very passionate that you HATE sex and find it DISGUSTING…. This is not asexual behavior. This to me reeks of a childhood sexual trauma or upbringing that was negative towards sex.
What should you do? YOU do NOT convince her. You cannot convincer her any more than she could convince you that sex is good and wonderful and between two loving partners probably one of the most profound experiences on earth.
IF you do not want to lose her, then it would be in your best interest to determine why you find sex disgusting and figure out how to NOT find it so disgusting. I strongly suggest that you find a good counselor that you can work with to determine what’s caused such a violent negative reaction towards sexuality if you do not know. If you do know what has caused it, then I suggest the counseling be geared towards cognitive behavioral changes.
I know for me personally that I could not have a long term relationship with someone without affection, cuddling, kissing and yes occasionally I want sex or the equivalent.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 April 2013):
 You did tell her you don't want sex, right? How did she respond? Yes, you might lose her. Even if she accepts the no sex, when people become a couple the dynamics change. Things might not work out for other reasons than the non-sex thing.
So, entering a relationship is a gamble. You might lose her. You might be heart broken.
But people enter relationships all the time, and people break up all the time. It doesn't kill them. They are hurt for a while, then they feel better and stronger than before. Through relationships you grow as a person, you learn, you develop. A break-up doesn't mean "the end", it means that that particular relationship didn't work. So you brush off the dust and get back up on your feet. And continue with your life.
So, you do not really have much to lose. If things don't work out with her, you can always continue in your life all alone until you die, never having to enter another relationship again.
But if things work out? If you make her happy, and she makes you happy? What if..?
I think it'll work out. You care about each other. Go slow, don't rush into the big commitments. See each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, but don't meet up every day. Don't have sleep overs. Don't do the whole "meet the family" thing. Wait with those things until you feel the time is right. Give it about 4-6 months just the two of you, in private, and build your relationship up slowly. See what happens.
You might disagree with me, but I think your thoughts on sex will change after a while. It sounds more like you're scared of sex, like you said yourself you're not asexual. So I think you're just scared and worried.. but with the right person you wont be so worried. Don't take this to mean you should try to have sex, you need to prepare your girlfriend for a relationship without sex. But, who knows? With the right person I think you will find sex more appealing, and will be more comfortable about the thought of it.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 April 2013):
You should never try convincing someone that they are right for you or you them. If you are there will not be a need for convincing.
Hating sex is something that she'll have to accept about you. If she's too insecure to believe that it's not her that's making you say that, then she probably won't be able to handle being with someone like you.
I'm not sure if you'd be called asexual, that may refer to people who don't want sex as opposed to those who hate it, but you may want to forward her the Wikipedia entry on asexuality. This may help her to understand you.
If she desires sex from you don't promise her you'll try to do it or anything like that. Even if you follow through, that'll only last for awhile.
Another option may be that you allow her to have sex with people outside of your relationship (an open relationship). That may allow you two to remain together and it could prevent her from being frustrated with you.
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