A
female
age
41-50,
*teiny
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 18 months. Quick background...We met online on a dating site and after 3 weeks we moved in together. Sex life was great. Then it started slowly down. At that time I thought 2 months without sex was a looooonnnngggg time. We still live together but at least once a month we fight and break up for a couple days. Our fights are pretty intense and most generally involve the cops. He says a lot of hurtful things like, I cant stand you, your not my type anyway, I can't wait to get away from you, your lazy and stupid, You let yourself go, I've been with some beastly women before but I hit an all time low when I got with you. He is working right now but most of the time is unemployed. I pay the rent (and on occasion he gives me 1/6 of the rent). He sometimes pays for half of the electric and half of the tv bills, but most generally I pay all the bills and buy the necessities for the house. It is my responsibility to clean, cook meals, pack his lunch, walk his dog, feed his dog, and get him whatever he needs when he needs it. When we do get in these fights, he locks me out because his "names on the lease". He tells me I can't take the car because it is his car too and if he says it doesn't go anywhere, then it stays where it is. Problem is that about 9 months ago we got in a fight and he found out that I was still friends with a girl (same sex as me and I am not a lesbian) that I had known for a long time before I met him. She was my best friend, but he didn't like her because she would tell me all the time to dump him. He had sent her threatening texts using MY phone. He boyfriend called the cops and tried to have him arrested. He was on Probation at the time and would have gone to jail had they been able to get him for the texts. I didn't want him to go to jail so I went to the police station and confessed as if I had sent the texts. When the police told my friend, she dropped the charges. I was forbidden to talk to her after that, but I did behind his back. He questions why I want to be friends with someone who tried to have me arrested. Also, he had it out with my family because they do not want me to be with him. After we made up a day or two after New Years Eve fight, we had sex but havent had it since. When we fight he blames in on me betraying him for staying friends wit that girl and because my family does not like him. When he is in a good mood, he tells me that it has nothing to do with me but he is just not sexual anymore. But when we fight, he tells me "there's a reason I don't sleep with you anymore." Add the fact that he always is requesting blowjobs (which he gets because if he doesn't, he throws a fit and tells me that's why he can't stand me because I have a bad attitude and I'm not supportive). Also, he was using my phone to look at internet porn everyday for at least two hours. Now that I cut off the internet from my phone, he has been ordering them PPV. He told me this morning that I will have THREE on my bill next month and just wanted to warn me. When I told him that I thought he was addicted to porn, he told me that it does nothing for him. He just watches to "pass the time". SOOOO, in summary, he will spend $60 bucks on porn but can't help pay the bills. He has not had sex with me in at least 9 months and tells me he is not sexual (oh and btw he is always talking about sex in one way or another). I have tried talking to him about it but it turns into another one of those massive fights. Is this guy just using me??? Or is there someother issue that I need to deal with?? I asked him if he doesn't want me then why can't i be with someone who does. He says he doesn't care what I do, but he gets angry if I even talk to another guy. I just don't get it. Please Please Please tell me what I am doing wrong here!!!!!
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addicted to porn, best friend, blow-job, lesbian, met online, moved in, porn, sex life, text, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 October 2011):
 Time for counseling. If you think this is a healthy relationship, as you've described it, um, it is not. Please take care of yourself and don't ever tolerate any time of mental or physical abuse.
Best wishes to you.
A
female
reader, Steiny +, writes (7 October 2011):
Steiny is verified as being by the original poster of the question I did read everything that people have written and I greatly appreciate everyone's advice and opinions.
We do have some good times, too, otherwise, I wouldn't have stayed as long as I have.
I tried talking to him about it last night. I said something that I shouldn't have and he got flippin' mad. I'm not always innocent in these fights either, but he knows how to push my buttons. I say things out of spite. I want him to know how what he says and does hurts me, so I "get him back". I know exactly what to say to "get to him."
I stay with him, because when our relationship is good, it's really good. But when it's bad, it's really bad. I guess I am just holding out for those good times.
Obviously I have feelings for him as well. I've lived with him for 18 months as we are pretty much "glued at the hip" when we are not at work.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 October 2011):
 can you tell me why you stay in this relationship?
what are you getting out of it?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 October 2011):
Did you read ANYTHING anyone wrote to you?
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A
female
reader, Steiny +, writes (6 October 2011):
Steiny is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I picked him up from work this morning, he proceeded to tell me that this girl he is friends with told him that three girls have quit their job because of him flirting with them. He says that he wasn't flirting, but I have caught him flirting with girls on Facebook. Secondly, he then told me that this girl told him a couple of weeks ago that people were going around saying that they were a couple. He says that is just how people talk when they work in Factories. Then I said, it sounds like she is trying to get with you and he said that he thought that too. Then he says, well she asked about our sex life and I asked "did you tell her?" He said no, but he has also been known to go around talking to other girls about it. I tried to talk to him about everything that has been going on but I just couldn't bring myself to do it...mostly because I didn't feel like fighting again. Other times he turns it around and tells me that girls are always coming up to him at work and asking if he's lonely because it shows. He says that I make him feel that way. Also, he is always grabbing at my breast and my crotch area and when I tell him to stop, he says "why? who else has been in there?" I just told him that I don't need to be mulled all the time. I know that I am being used...I just keep trying to convince myself that I am not. He told me before that he wouldn't sleep with a girl that he was "using" because it would ruin everything. Then when I have said to him that I feel like I am being used, he freaks out on me and tells me that he does not use women.
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A
male
reader, skyleo  +, writes (6 October 2011):
By nature all living being are with their knowledge. You know within yourself that this Guy is using you, dont you know you can do better without his presence in your life? Please, i dont need to talk much, are an adult you knows the qualities of been love. Please take a step forward. I wish you Best of Luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 October 2011):
What you are doing wrong here is sticking around to take this guy's abuse, his rap and his ruined credit rating.
You've got a big-time loser on your hands. If you stay, you will only be here in a few months asking for help again.
I'd start with cutting expenses to the bone (pun fully intended), which means cutting PPV access, internet access, any extraneous bills which are not required. Water, electricity, heat are necessities. Everything else is a luxury. This includes cable TV and internet service. If he complains, explain that you have no money to pay the bills and your credit cards are maxed out.
Oh, first, change your bank and get new cards and passwords.
There's a whole list of items that an abused woman needs to do to get away from her abuser. I've got a link for you here: http://www.thehotline.org/
You could also go here:
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171 (you'll have to copy/paste that). There's a discussion on how to leave in a safe way.
Get out now! He is using you. Get out. I can't make it any clearer than that.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (6 October 2011):
 OK, let's see if I've got this straight. You argue to the point where the police get involved. He's on probation, so you had to cover for him on a crime. He's controlling to the point where he's actively interfering with your friendships. He's verbally abusive. He freeloads to the point of getting you to pay for his porn.
And you're worried about your sex life??
You have vastly bigger problems in your relationship, to the point where I have to wonder if this question is even for real.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): He is just using you. You need to get out of there asap. That is an incredibly unhealthy relationship and he is super abusive and controlling. You need to leave him honey and find someone who will treat you right and will love you. To this man you are just one of his posessions. Thats why he doesnt want you with another guy- you are "his".
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A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (6 October 2011):
Sweetheart, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but this guy is 100%without any uncertainty using you. You unfortunately without a shadow of a doubt are allowing him to use you bc u refuse to face the situation. Also there is another issue that u need to deal with...this guy is not only using u he is abusing u verbally. Your family and friends want you away from him bc they love u and they worry. You have some personal issues to deal with yourself bc your only concern seems to be his lack of interest in sex with u. You are enabling him to mistreat u if u are staying with him for the sake of....You didn't post about leaving this guy and how you're trying to get out. You posted about your lack of sex with him. But to answer your question the guy is using u. U want to know what ur doing wrong......everything: paying his bills, feeding his dog, cleaning his house, driving his car, living with him. If its his house n ur name isn't on the lease I would simply move out n if the utilities are in your name just simply turn them off by going down to the various companies. The guy is mistreating u bc ur not leaving him, he knows ur all talk n u will never leave. More than likely this guy is seeing or seeking another female bc he's grown bored with u. Get some help precious u can do way better. What makes u feel so low to tolerate this? You should move in with family until u can get ur own car house etc just take the first step n leave him. Good luck n be safe
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