A
female
age
36-40,
*ymDoll
writes:Ok, this may be long but I'm desperate for help. Me and my husband have been together for nearly five years and have two children together. Ever since I had found out I was pregnant with out now 7 month old son he seemed to change a bit. We went from having sex one to three times a day to once, twice if I'm lucky a month. Even throughout my pregnancy I kept up the house, kept the dishes done, washed and folded clothes, and made sure he was able to relax after work. He does like to go out hunting, but he started going all the time. I didn't like his friend, he cheated on his wife all the time and was constantly trying to get my husband to fool around on me. I trusted my hubby so didn't let it bother me, but then he started to change.I would clean all day yet when he would get home he would find anything to be mad about. Like I forgot to hang up one shirt, or scrub the drainer of the sink. He'd tell me he hated being home and wanted to puke. Then he would take off to his friends and be gone for ours or entire days. It got to the point he would come home, yell at me for something then leave. And on weekends leave at six in the morning and not come home till ten at night then go to bed before doing it again the next morning. When he was home he would not sit with me on the couch even, barley kiss me and anytime I tried to start anything with him he would shove me away.Now I am one of those women who don't like porn, who feels cheated on when he gets off thinking of another woman. I don't go crazy on him about it, three years ago after trying to handle it I told him how it made me feel and he threw it all out and promised not to anymore. I didn't tell him to or forbid him, just asked him to hide it so I don't see or think about it. But he said he never wanted to hurt me and loved me more than a video and got rid of it and I believed him. He tells me he doesn't want anyone else, and doesn't want to sleep with anyone else. I started to pick up on some things that made me wonder, like once he told me they got stuck out a house they have a hog trap at for eight hours because they didn't have a phone and no one was home. Then his friend let it slip that there was a bar b que there, and the owners 20 year old daughter who lives there and is usually around when he's there (and that he is attracted to) was running around in a thong bikini and he didn't want to come home. All the while I'm at home cleaning, cooking dinner, pregnant with his son and taking care of our 4 year old daughter. I wouldn't of been as upset if I knew there was a woman there when he was but he hid her from me and lied to me when I asked him about it.I asked him if he had any female friends from work that he would want to invite to a get together we were having because I would like to meet them, not in a paranoid way just he knows all of my friends so I'd like to meet his. He told me he doesn't work with any females which is also a lie I found out. It's stupid to lie about that but I blew it off. Well a three months ago all of the sudden he's wanting to have sex everynight, and very different things. Different positions, got new toys and some crazy fantasies he wants me to do. He wants me to go to a stripclub and see me get a lapdance and wants to watch me sleep with another man. I told him I didn't want to bring anyone else into the bedroom and have no interest in other men. I don't even "check out" guys when I go out, much less have another man touch me. Then he told me about one woman who lives at his friends apartments that he is extremely attracted to, how much he loves her eyes and told me he had only met her once. Which was a lie, in the mornings he has seen her and talked to her with his friend where she works at a gas station. Again, I didn't understand why he lies to me.His friend tried telling me one day that my husband never says anything good about me, talks down about me and keeps making comments on how much he wants to sleep with women that they see when the're out. Stuff like he'd bet she'd be a good f***, and go into details what he wants to do with them. That he had a stash of porn in the house and gets on online find local singles chat sites. I blew it off because I trusted my hubby and knew he wasn't like that. Also his friend has tried to say things in the past to try and brake us up so I didn't pay it any mind. I've told my hubby things he's said to me in the past and he would laugh it off. This time he got furious and cut off all contact with him. A week later he told me a few days before (he told me this after our first date night in two years) that at the store he saw a sexy woman and got so worked up he had to run home to me. That kind of went along with what his friend has said.I also began to notice how protective he was over his phone. He would leave it in the car at night with the car locked and hide the keys or keep it by his head at night. If I went near his phone he looked nervous and would get it from me. I ended up asking him if he did have porn in the house and he told me he had some hidden in his room that some guys from work had given him. And that he started looking again when I was pregnant. The time that he got the porn movies was when he started to have sex with me again so I felt like he could only get aroused and wanted sex when thinking of someone else. I work out, do my hair as he likes and do everything they do in the porn movies so I know I'm not boring or not satisfying his needs. I felt hurt and betrayed but told him I still love him and will work on my feelings about porn if he was willing to compromise with me. We threw those ones out and got a couple of softcore ones I thought I could handle. I even put the kids to bed early one night, had some wine to loosen up and tried to watch one with him. But he went right into having sex with me while watching the movie so it ended up being a turn off. We made the compromise only porn with other women in it while we're together, and when I'm not there he would watch ours. We have tons of videos we've taken and photo albums of us and solo ones of me I've taken for him. But he's always trying to get me out of the house and the other porn movies are always moved around. This happened on christmas eve and new years. I started to really wonder about his phone so yes I did snoop. He was always looking up porn. If I went to bed before he did he'd look up porn, he would go out to the woods three to four times with his phone and looked up porn and even while he's at work. I didn't even tell him I knew trying to make a big deal about it and be understanding. I just didn't see why he needed so much porn when I'm there, willing all the time and he keeps turning me down. Once I tried to use his phone to get onto my facebook when my phone was dead and the f didn't push and when the a did airg.com came up. It was a find local singles site. I looked at his old phone it was on there too, by this point I got scared. I looked at his email and he was on another one! I confronted him about it but he told me I was crazy, he didn't do it and his info wasn't on there. All of it was and all had the same screen name. He told me I should trust him unconditionally and got defensive that he has never cheated on me and I never accused him of cheating, just surfing the site. That makes me wonder if he's feeling guilty about something. He also accused me of being insicure and paranoid and put all blame on me.We've been trying to work past it and he promises to go along with our compromise on porn since I'm not trying to make him give it up. I told him just DO NOT lie to me. Not too long ago several of his family members including his mother said that they see how he acts different with me now and like he doesn't want to be around me and that I needed to know something. A week before I found out I was pregnant he told his family he was making arrangements to leave my "sorry ass" and didn't love me anymore. So I'm thinking he's just with me because of the baby, and it was around that time he started watching porn again which makes me feel like it is because he doesn't want to be with me and can only get off to other women. He keeps swearing it's just for the act and sounds in porn, and that he thinks of me doing the things and only of sleeping with me not the other women. I began to believe him, I want to. I wanted to believe him on everything and move past it to make us work. Last night I was using the voice record on my phone with my hubby, that way I could use his voice as his ringtone. After I put my phone down and he said I should go next door and chill with my mamma for a bit because we haven't hung out recently. I have been trying for two weeks to have sex, even running around the house in sexy costumes and stripteases for him and he keeps turning me down and acting aggravated. I went to my mom's for about an hour then went home. When I got back he went to bed and I grabbed my phone to call my friend since she just got off work and I noticed the voice recorder didn't shut off. So I listened to it and he put in a movie, not a porn for the act, not even a sex scene in it and got off to it. I could hear the movie and knew which one it was, the old labyrinth movie. And he was dirty talking to the woman saying what he was thinking he was doing to her and got off. So that shows he's lying when he says he thinks of me. I don't know how to handle all the lies anymore. Either he is a porn/sex addict or he just plainly doesn't love me at all anymore. I love him so I'm trying to be understanding and making it work but I'm at the point where I don't have anything left to give. Has anyone gone through anything similar? Please no you're not pleasing him or you're just insicure because I'm not. I'm very sexually open and was thinking of surprising him with a trip to a stripclub to fullfill that fantasy. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, IAMDONE +, writes (24 February 2011):
It sounds like your man may be addicted to porn! Like all addictions, it is the family of the addicted person who suffers the most. It appears to me that him asking you to do unusual sexual activites is a classic example of someone addicted to porn. Perhaps, he wants to live out these wild fantasy escapades. Only you can prevent yourself from becoming a victim of something you will regret in the future. It might be a good idea to locate all the porn movies and pictures you have produced together or solo...believe me, this can be something you regret in the future as well. Sometimes, professional help is needed for addictions. I would suggest talking to a counselor or a help agency to see what is available in your area to help resolve some of these issues. Do not lower your standards or allow someone else's addictions to create in you a desire to please them and you do not want to. Do not let his addiction effect you and your family!!!
A
male
reader, sam44  +, writes (18 January 2011):
I am still in shock after reading this.
First off, i am really sorry you're dealing with a maniac like your husband. I know we all go stretches for love but quit him. Your husband seem to have gotten too comfortable on your tolerance and patient with him. I am having this impression that you stay in a small town with few people? Is it... i know how hard it is to let go... but leave him for a while. Give him time to reflect and to start missing you again, he needs to feel the pain of your absence if they is a chance of him changing. Goodluck you are one strong woman.
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