A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My partner (50) and I have been together for 2 years now and he relocated to my town and moved in a year ago. We started a business not long after we met and as I have a good paying job it was assumed he would work in the business which I funded and paid him a wage of $25,000 in the first year.I am a professional business women and did investigate the market first and thought it was a viable investment.The business has been slow to take off although it is in a growing industry but only still now barely covers costs.I no longer pay him a wage though I pay for everything. He does not seem to have any trouble taking from me.I pay for his daughter's visits and child support, education etc....I love him dearly but the money is so low now and I not prepared to borrow any more money against my house.It is effecting our relationship.I ask myself often does he really love me?? Is he only with me for the money as he had none at all though due to no fault of his own (he had been very ill for years after his divorce).I have asked him to get a part time job to help pay the bills but he will not. He keeps saying things will get better, hang in there, dont give up....but I am finding it harder and harder to be brave.I was brave taking him on in the first place and here we are two years later....He is getting a very good reputation through the business and I know he could walk into a high paying job with our opposition anytime as he has learnt so much and has so much knowledge gained over the two years.Should I trust him or should I make him get a job and be prepared for him to walk and blow my money invested in my company as I would not be able to take it over. Another problem is I dislike my current job and need to leave and he is very very aware of this. If I change jobs I could lose about $15000 in wages so am stuck for now.... Do you think he loves me?? I met him not long after I separated after a 30 year marriage and was desperate to be loved. I love my man but I keep thinking it is too good to be true....it may only last while I keep paying the way. He treats me well, and stands up for me always but as for sex well that is pretty non existent...he says he loves me but is on medication that effects that as well. So no money, no sex....can we survive on just love....Would like to hear anyones input....
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2011): I hope you can keep us upto date...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): Listen, the guy is partially living in a dream world, ignoring the strained financial situation as it is most probably psychologically too difficult for him to handle (well so he would think). Many people do this, it’s a sort of “self protection” by not facing up to reality. Problem is, he will continue on with this until you guys go bust financially .
What needs to happen is that he needs to “feel” that strain, right now he doesn’t feel it as he is being protected. You can’t do this buy just telling him and getting annoyed with him, this will just make him unhappy. You need to be… ruthless with your finances. I know it sounds mean but as I’ve said you need him to “feel” the situation. Start by cutting back the payments for his daughters education and child support. Then go further and start cutting costs within the business, overheads, fixtures, cars and so on, make the cost cutting global.
“He keeps saying things will get better, hang in there, dont give up....but I am finding it harder and harder to be brave.” NO you should not listen to this. He trying to stay in his shell where it's comfortable. Things will only get better if HE starts pulling his weight and take responsibility by putting more effort in the business.
“he would work in the business which I funded and paid him a wage of $25,000 in the first year.”
You should not be paying him a wage!!!! He should only be paid a portion of the business earnings, and if the business is making no profits, then no wages for him. That’s pretty normal in the business world.
He won’t like the austerity measures but you have the perfect excuse, cut the costs or go bust, and let him know there is no other way around it. As you are the boss, you decide what happens in the business. And if reality finally gets through to him, this should trigger his responsibility instincts. And if this instinct is triggered, then he will cooperate in saving the business and getting the job done!
“Should I trust him or should I make him get a job and be prepared for him to walk and blow my money invested in my company as I would not be able to take it over”
If that is what is takes, him getting a job to save the business, then yes make him get a job!!!!
If he genuinely loves you, then he will accept this and help you work this business in the right direction. If he walks, then you know that he is only there profiting from you!
Sounds like to me that your business is at the point where it still can be steered in direction of prosperity, so if you want to avoid failure, now is the moment to take action.
As for the lack of sex, well unfortunately I'm not an expert in the area, I'll leave that one up to the others.
Hope you can keep us updated.
Chris1979topher
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): You dont mention where you met this guy but he sounds typical of a certain type.It might be wise to put a ruthless business head on now andget to grip with the problems. Could you sell the business as a going concern and ask your partner to get a job with the opposition? It might be the answer. Atleast then you would have two salaries coming in. It would put the brakes on spending and your partner could begin to pay his way. Because mortgaging the roof over your head might lead to disaster if things arent panning out as you expected. So if you are seeing a financial red light for goodness sake act now and dont be a deer in headlights with this man or you will end up ruined. Keeping him and paying for his daughters child support and education is amazing of you, i wouldnt do it. But you really have to start thinking about yourself and what you need. Two years with him and you are in debt, hes still a kept man making no effort in the bedroom, he wont even consider a temp part time job to help out... and you question why hes with you. Frankly, so would i! Atleast if he had a part time job he could pay for things hes responsible for. I cant believe hes letting you have ALL the financial burden and not even trying to help. Darned right he should 'stick up' for you. Is that against people that tell you, you are being unwise? Sticking up for you is a tiny compensation, when you consider what you have done for him. The fact that hes not even making an effort to pleasure you in the bedroom makes him sound indifferent to you and your needs. You were lonely when you met him, felt very sorry for him by the sound of it and he could well be trading on that! You need to invite him to pull up a chair and discuss all the issues you have because if you dont and the business isnt going to take off any time soon, you are going to wear yourself down with worry and end up in a terrible state financially. He needs to earn a salary and make you happy in the bedroom as these are 2 normal things to expect from ANY relationship. You have done more than enough, so if he talks of walking when you ask him to work and support himself, then yes, he saw you coming a mile off and hes just with you for what hes getting out of it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): i'm not sure i understand exactly. what i got ouf of this was that he is working for you, just not being paid because money is so tight? so instead, you pay for everything?
maybe i got that wrong, but in my opinion that seems pretty legitimate and doesn't appear as though he's using you. if he's doing work for you and not being compensated, it seems to me that it's fair for him to expect you to pay for everything. but i may have this situation completely off. it probably would help though, if he would find a part time job to help out, like you said. has he explained why he's uninteresetd in doing that? you mentioned he was ill for years after his divorce. does that still play a role?
best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (21 April 2011):
 I wish I could tell you that you could but I have to doubt. Just how hard is he trying to find a solution to this? Can you see any evidence or actual effort in helping you with your financial problems?
He stands up for you and that is a good sign, if anything it at least shows he is grateful to you. Maybe you could sit down and talk to him about it, if you love each other, there has to be equal efforts in keeping each other happy. You are clearly doing your part, what is he doing? What does he do to at least try and alleviate some amount of the stress you must be under? There are more than a few ways to replace sex, to get that same sensual pleasure whether it is something emotional or partially physical. Is he putting his heart and soul into it? I get the feeling he has a lot of potential but he is somewhat loathe to use it. Just discuss it with him and find out the truth for yourself from him.
It isn't impossible to survive on love alone. Money is made everyday and you will find a way to make more, sex is not at all as important as your other problems, and love, if he loves you, if you truly love him, he will do things that will help you relax at least, because he loves you and he will do things so he can see you smile. He doesn't need anything extravagant to make you happy does he? These things, the effort required, it is all birthed from love. This begs the question: "If he loves you, why won't he get a job?"
In all honesty though, I suggest you leave him if he refuses to get a job, he is more trouble than he is worth it seems if you are doubting just how he feels about you. But if he stands up for you and since you seem to really love him, he does deserve another chance, especially after being ill after the divorce and how he doesn't always see his own child, maybe it is that which is causing his lack of effort. Just talk to him about it.
I hope that helps.
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