A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure what to do in this situation. My fiance and I have been together 3 years. Currently, we're in an LDR, but that's only been for the past couple of months. I have a problem that he keeps making the same mistakes over and over again. I keep forgiving him and we come up with a solution, but it always ends up happening again. For instance, when we have an argument over the phone it REALLY upsets me when he hangs up, it's disrespectful and rude, and I really don't want to be married to someone that does that. He knows this, we've talked about it a BILLION times, to a point where I told him, I can't handle it and the next time he does it, we're over.He ended up doing it again last night, with the same excuse as as always (that he was mad). He knows ALL he has to say is I'm really mad, lets calm down, and continue in a bit, and I'd be fine. I ended up forgiving him again, even though when I called him back after he hung up he ended things. I'm so frustrated, I can't believe he'd do something like that. I'm now really insecure about our future, and I'm not sure where to go from here. :( Please advise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): You are the one who threatened to end the relationship if he did that again. Well, he did it again. Apparently yours was an empty threat so you have now lost all credibility with him.
You also need to accept that people are flawed and not every change you want from them is going to happen. Pick and choose carefully what really are deal breakers for you. if the fact that he hangs up on you when arguing, really is a deal breaker, then by definition you should have ended the relationship by now. If it wasn't really a deal breaker then you shouldn't have said it was or you're misrepresenting yourself to him and signaling to him that you're all hot air and dont' really mean what you say (which could be why he keeps doing it).
Maybe you should also consider what YOU can do differently so that HE doesn't hang up on you like that. Are you the one who starts arguments, or escalates a disagreement into a full blown drama? Is that when he hangs up on you, in response to what he perceives is your escalations? if so then maybe you need to change your style too, not just him, and be calmer and more easy-going during disagreements so that his emotions dont' skyrocket to where he then feels the need for space from you (which is what hanging up on you is).
finally, maybe there's other issues that are being obscured by this. Such as, why is his hanging up on you during arguments such a frequent occurrence? Why are arguments such a frequent occurrence to begin with? Your relationship sounds like it is filled with conflict, and to me THAT is a more concerning issue.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2013):
 The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
IF you keep making the same mistake (both him and you) and expecting it to be different then you are not being realistic.
Clearly when your guy is mad at you he hangs up. Now if you were in the same house, he would probably storm out and drive off…. Is that different? NO…. so what you need to figure out is can you deal with how he copes with stress and anger? If you cannot deal with how he copes with stress and anger and he is not willing to change how he copes with stress and anger then it will be ground hogs day for you over and over. He will get mad and storm off (or hang up the phone) and you will be angry and feel disrespected based on his behavior. It’s a never ending problem.
IF you have told him the next time he does it you are over and you DO NOT stick to that, you have lost your credibility with him. He will never respect your idle threats again… because that’s all they are if you do not follow through…
You have told him what you want and need. He’s heard you and either cannot or will not comply with your needs/wishes. Now it’s up to you to make a choice…. Either you accept that this is how he is and you learn to deal with it or you walk away from him. Since you have not left him yet, I doubt you will leave him now…. So you have to figure out how to find peace with his style and coping techniques. Or you have to end it if you can’t do that.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (20 February 2013):
 Calm down. When emotions run high its best to step away for a breather so ppl can collect thoughts then reconvene. Do u want him to risk saying something he doesnt? Risk tempers getting out of control? Desire drama? cause that will happen if he stays on the phone.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 February 2013):
 OP, what's the point of giving ultimatums if then you won't enforce them ? You should say " careful, this is the last time you did X to me " only if you really mean it. Because if then he does it again, and you say " Ah ...uhm.. ok, well, maybe the next time after this... or the next after the next ..." you have forever undermined your credibility and negotiating power.
Therefore, for the future, my advice would be to pick your battles well , try to avoid ultimatums in general and most of all as a scare tactic, but if you do issue one, be prepared to walk away, because taking it back will only worsen the problem.
For the present, alas, not every relationship can be worked on and salvaged. I think you realize it : you say you can't handle certain things, that in 3 years you have told him a BILLION times, and he keeps doing it... guess what , he'll keep doing it another billion times, it's not like he is stupid and did not understand it the first time, it's that he WANTS to keep doing it, maybe he does not see it as such a big deal as you see it, maybe he does not care how it makes you feel, maybe he thinks that how you feel it's your problem not his , and you are the one who should learn to not be upset about slammed phones, not he the one who should stop slamming....
anyway, I am pretty sure this pattern is not going to change, so either you accept dating a phone slammer, or- you don't , and walk away.
I must say that, as much as I hate with a vengeance too people who hangs up on you, the problem is not really that he slams the phone down when he's mad, the problem is that apparently this is not an exceptional event, it happens fairly often, you argue fairly often.
So , the root of the problem , IMO, is not that you two have different fighting styles... it is that you fight a lot to begin with, and , whatever has kept you together 3 years, apparently it was not a reasonable - and mandatory - level of compatibility.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar +, writes (20 February 2013):
Calm down. When emotions run high its best to step away for a breather so ppl can collect thoughts then reconvene. Do u want him to risk saying something he doesnt? Risk tempers getting out of control? Desire drama? cause that will happen if he stays on the phone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): Seems to me that your guy hanging up on you is him displaying the 'tip of the iceberg' where he's just too immature, overall, to protect and lead things sometimes and in a way that makes you feel safe and secure. Every time he hangs up he's hitting your 'weak spot' and you keep going back and trying again and again because all you really want is to feel safe with him and for him to show more maturity. I'd bet that there are loads of other ways in which he's just not showing you enough maturity or protection and probably you're not picking up on it or are trying again and again to reason with him because you want to be fair. Sounds to me like you're trying to hard to put in place a maturity within him that's not there and maybe won't be there for years. Effectively he's forcing you to cater to his immature anger outbursts because he has not yet grown up.You don't sound compatible and my guess would be that the main reason is that your guy hasn't grown up enough. I'd suggest don't keep going back and back to him trying to get him to be something that he isn't - all that will happen is he'll get more resentful as he will feel like you are trying to dominate or control him and you will get sick fed up of being put in the position of a nagging girlfriend or wife when what you actually want is peace, calm, to support your guy and receive love and protection in return. He's not up for the job and it's not your fault at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): OP being hung up on sucks but you have to tolerate it if you want to be with him. He gets to a point of arguing where he gets so mad he will say something that will be break up worthy so he has to hang up.
He can't win with you OP, you just want to keep on arguing for some reason.
"ALL he has to say is I'm really mad, lets calm down, and continue in a bit, and I'd be fine."
Oh really now? That's how you get when you get furious is it? You'd be the first person I've ever heard of who can just switch off being mad in an instant. When I get mad I want to punch the wall or fuck the person out of it and I have done both many a time when pushed too far. I can't just suddenly calm down and say "honey, I'm just a teency weency bit mad right now, so lets not continue our parley thus, we shall continue forthwith good lady, adieu." No OP, when it gets to the point where I have to hang up its's because if I don't the next words out of my mouth will be "shut your fucking face you stupid fucking cunt, I've had enough of your shit, so fucking shut your mouth and fuck off!!"
OP you sound very incompatible, you argue a lot by the sounds of things and you argue very badly, you honestly sound like you just want to score points, otherwise why do you insist he tell you he's angry. Hanging up the phone tells you all that without him even having to say it, so why are you so insistent on him having to say it? You just want to win by the sounds of things, or keep arguing.
OP one of the many conditions necessary for a good relationship is arguing well. Not enough attention is given to how important a good argument is or how you argue with a person. If arguing with a person leaves a bitter taste in your mouth and it keeps happening then you're unlikely to be suitable at all. If scoring points is all you care about it's the same. I argue with my fiancee, not all that often but we can be pretty fiery, slamming doors, raised voices and guess what, 10 minutes later and everything is fine again like nothing happened. If it's about something serious, then we'll talk it out to its conclusion, if we can't agree we accept it's not something we can agree on, if it's something that matters in those circumstances we'll get some outside opinions and both of us are willing to be wrong, that's the clincher OP. If you can't argue with the willingness of being wrong or compromising then you're doing it wrong.
There is no good reason you demand he stop being mad just enough so he can tell you he's mad, when you know he is by the fact he hung up, you just want to be right, you only want him to say that so you can have a chance to say more shit. You're only pissed off with it because he cuts you off when you want to continue fighting, I can't see any other reason why you'd try and blackmail him with the threat of breaking up over this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): Well it's true you can't change some1 that person will change for themselves....my advice is leave...but if you really love him than stay and be miserable....some men still act like kids....be with a guy that's scared to loose you not one where he can just Ditch u wen ever he wants'
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 February 2013):
I just said this to someone else: dating is about finding someone that you're compatible with. Not forcing someone to be compatible with you.
What that means is that you have a choice; live with it or leave him. Changing him is obviously not going to work. And arguing about isn't helping do anything but make things worse.
I have had to accept some things about my wife that I HATE. She gets mad and instead of trying to mend the situation right then she'd rather give me the silent treatment. She tries her best to be open to communication and I try to be patient knowing that that's how she deals with anger.
It's not perfect but it works. Expecting the burden to all be on your boyfriend isn't fair or realistic.
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