A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First off, this is a bit long so thanks to any for reading!Im not sure if I am overreacting or not.My boyfriend and I are approaching our 5 year anniversary and have lived together for over 4 and a half years. He swept me off my feet, convinced me at 18 to move in with him and go to college and for years seemed intent on making a future with me. We have family dinner with him parents once a week, he goes on all the family vacations with me, He is 10 years older than my 22. Now Im months away from graduation and a few weeks ago he told me he isn't sure he wants to move with me if I get a job out of town. He also told me he is having a really hard time with the idea of committing to only one person, that he really wants more sometimes and that hes very attracted to some of my friends. Of course, because this was a complete shock to me, I have been reeling for the past few weeks. He claims he said those things because he was angry with me at the time (I am stressed from job interviews and managing school so I know I can be a bit hard to handle at times) and that there is truth to all that he said but it was exaggerated by his anger at me.Hes coworker got married last month and because he's been with me for so long and used to ask people advice about marrying me, a lot of people have been asking him why he hasn't and if he will. He said he feels really pressured about the whole thing and he isn't sure he feels thats what he wants anymore. Im not ready to get married right now but after 5 years, I think its important to know if your partner sees that being in the future, which he cant tell me if he sees that or not. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesnt.Whenever he gets upset with me lately, which seems to be more and more even though I am trying my best to not do anything wrong, I get so insecure and tense and mentally freak out. Part of me thinks its already over if he really feels those things, part of me is in denial, part of me wants my whole life with him regardless because I really thought he was the "one". My mom died 9 months ago and without him, I don't know how I would have gotten through it, hes my best friend and we fit so well together!He says I am overreacting being upset still about this. That since he hasn't left me for my friends I shouldn't be upset, that every guy feels that way about other girls and no guy really wants to get married and give up their freedom and if they do get married, they all go through this doubt. He still refuses to even have a conversation with me about moving. I already have one job offer for a big city an hour and a half away from where we live now and I don't know what to do.Our relationship suddenly went from having a future and both of us talking about that future to not even knowing whether we will be together in a few months. My friends think I should cut him lose because I deserve better and even he says he'll be sad if I do but he will survive and not fight for me because he can't change how I feel. I feel like a complete idiot for staying but I just love him so much and if he's just going through a phase I don't want to not be there for him and leave him and ruin the future I want with him. Then again, I am tired of feeling so insecure, though I don't know if he's brought that on or if it's a flaw in me that will follow me wherever I go.Am I overreacting? Do all guys really feel so strongly about sleeping with other women that they are potentially willing to lose a long-term relationship that has so far worked out really well? Is it fair of him to refuse to discuss moving with me when I will be making that decision very soon? Shouldn't after 5 years, you be able to see a future with someone if it's right? Am I crazy like he says?Thanks for any advice!!!
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 He's older than you. It was exciting for him having a young woman to love, that stroked his ego and made him feel big, but now you are growing up, he is starting to feel threatened. You are leaving school at last, and turning into an adult woman, ready to move into the big open world. Your moving to get a job is the thing that is triggering all his hard words. Yes he is serious on some level, but he's right, everything is exaggerated. He's not going to date your girlfriends, but he is noticing other women. Suddenly the future is here and he has to make serious plans. He's not sure about his future, everything seems more serious now. Does he go with you, or does he stay and remain single. Nothing you can do, he will have to make a decision. Yep he knows that he could loose you, and it's worrying that he doesn't seem to care. Don't worry about it. Finish your exams, get that dream job, and make plans for a future by yourself. Hopefully by the time your ready to leave he will have made a decision whether your the woman he wants to be with, or if he'd prefer to be back on the dating scene.
This guy isn't really committed to you at the moment, and his words are hurtful and rude.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2011): I'm sorry but it sounds like he may already be cheating on you. He's not treating you right, and has manipulated you into staying in this unhealthy relationship. It's hard, I know, as I've been in a really similar situation as you, and it wasn't until I broke it off, and found someone new to realize exactly how bad my previous relationship really was. I hope you do move and get the job, live your life, and find a real man that will never make you go through the stress you are dealing with now. Best of luck
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A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (16 November 2011):
This guy is acting quite immaturely, and you're suffering for it. I am sorry to see that, not only because it gives us guys a bad rep all over, but also because it isn't necessary, and preventable pain sucks.
The real problem with him is that he's just too young in spirit / mind for a woman of your position. This really isn't uncommon, females mature more quickly than men of the same age, and that doesn't stop after high school. Females tend to remain more emotionally and intellectually developed than men of the same age into their thirties, where men start to catch up.
This relationship may not be doomed, but really, you deserve better. I agree with the first two respondents and ditch him. You WILL find love again, so please don't despair. The short run might be difficult, but it'll actually be easier ditching him fast and clean than trying to drag it out.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 November 2011):
 Take the job.
move.
ATTEMPT to do LDR with him.
honey after 4 years he knows what he wants and Marriage is not it.
in my case, I started a NSA FWB with a man last November. He never wanted to get married. He does not believe in it. I was fine with that as I was in an open marriage.... well the MINUTE my marriage ended he's all about moving in and getting serious and GETTING MARRIED... yes he shrouds it in "the state is forcing us" but it's not true...
MEN that want to get married. GET MARRIED.
my friend is with a man who is now 51... never married... never met the right girl.. he's marrying her.... after all this time.
I went to a wedding once where the first time groom was 48
all because they met a woman that turned their hearts...
he's the crazy one not you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 November 2011):
 Am I overreacting?
No
Do all guys really feel so strongly about sleeping with other women that they are potentially willing to lose a long-term relationship that has so far worked out really well?
No
Is it fair of him to refuse to discuss moving with me when I will be making that decision very soon?
No
Shouldn't after 5 years, you be able to see a future with someone if it's right?
Yes
Am I crazy like he says?
No
Take that job and move. I think you've invested enough time in coddling his ego. Off you go, live your life. A guy who isn't willing to fight for you isn't worth putting your future on hold for. It just doesn't make good sense, heartbreaking though it may be.
Don't move in with anyone again until you know your future lies with them.
Sorry, but at least it only took 5 years to find out how truly selfish he is. And how idiotic.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 November 2011):
 I needed only to read the title::::
Dump his sorry a+s and find a REAL B/F.....
'Nuff said...
Good luck...
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