A
male
age
41-50,
*uckyman
writes:Hi Aunts,So my wife and i recently had our first child who is now three months old. We stopped having sex of any kind two months into the pregnancy so it has been essentially 11 months since we have had sex. There was one instance where she gave me oral and we have had intercourse once during that time but both timez felt like mercy f××ks to be honest. I have given her oral to completion numerous times but aside from the one time it has never been recipricated. I know intercourse is still a bit sensitive for her and is going to take time. I am ok with that but she seems unwilling to work on it. Its as if the thought is just a huge turn off and she has no interest whatsoever. Again i know this is not uncommon and i can wait but it is really starting to concern me that she just isnt into me anymore. I have talked to her about these concerns and am not in the least pushy or mean about it but have difficulty expressing just how painful this is. It isnt a physical issue as quite franky i can take care of that. It is this emotional void. I feel like i am much more in love with her than she is with me.She assures me this isnt the case and that ahe loves me and is still attracted but these words begin to sound hollow when there is no action taken to follow up on them. I give her oral often and i honestly do it because i enjoy pleasing her. i don't do it just because i want the favor returned but because i love hef and enjoy that connection even if it is one way. What i dont understand is why wont she ever recipricate? I have given her oral till my jaw was. sore even if i wasnt in the mood why cant she do the same? she knows how i suffer from this lack o intimacy am i expecting too much of her to ocassionaly return the favor? she says she wants to please me physically so my question is then why doesnt she???Over time these feelings have manifested tjmselves in stupid ways like me thinking of her past relations and how she admitedly gave it away on a few ocassions to jerks even though she didnt really want to. so why not me? it is a foolish line of reasoning that serves no good purpose so i keep that part to myself as i know the past has no bearing but this is just eating me up!As i cant control her and dont desire to my question is what can i do? or are her feelings for me just gone? Will they come back?? am i expecting too much?? i love this woman and our wonderful child and am sticking with her regardless because that is the commitment i made. but i could use some advice on getting through this.oh... and our sex life was phenominal for both of us pre pregancy. multiple climaxes, several times a day... the works. and i have enough experience in this department to know when it is genuine.thanks for reading.
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reader, luckyman +, writes (18 March 2012):
luckyman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell it has been a few weeks and we talked again about this but still nothing. reading other peoples posts on this topic is just depressing as it seems all too common and people go for years without!! that is just not something i am willing to do. i did get head on 3/14 which is steak and bj day but still it seemed obligatory.
i have tried helping more around the house, buying flowers, cooking dinner and generally doing what i can to make her happy without any mention of sex. all that ends up happening from my efforts is i becime more resentful at her lack of attention. i have also started drinking more when i do drink and have become quite aggitated due to these feelings of neglect. so i need to quit drinking now until i am in a better mental place.
outside of the lack of sex everything is great. she is my best friend and a great mother. i dont want to lose her but this is slowly starting to drive a wedge in our relationship. i am an attractive man that never had problems getting women and even still get occasional advances but i did put on a few pounds during my wifes pregnancy. though not much and i have started working out again and eating better. i also quit pleasuring myself entirely as that just made me more resentful and feeling depressed. of course now i feel like a walking hard on but whatever. she will say things like tonight is the night but nothing ever comes of it and i feel as if i am slipping more into a depressed state. i hate it and wish i knew the answer. sadly i think she is the only one that can fix this and she appears unwilling to do so or take it seriously.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): Having said that, my wife's sex drive dropped off after she had our daughter about seven years ago, and it never really came back. I tend to think women are wired (evolved)to some extent to shift gears in terms of their priorities once they've had a baby. Taking care of the child becomes more important and having sex (getting pregnant) becomes less important.I know what you mean about the pain. It's hard to not take it personally, especially if you know she used to go at it night and day with other men.But, in talking to my married friends, this seems to be more the norm than the exception. You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you're doing wrong, thinnking you're not attractive anymore etc. I'm sure I'm probably in the minority on this, but in my opinion, trying to get her to change back to what she was before by cooking her meals, trying to figure out what you're doing wrong, etc. is just a recipe for frustration and more problems. My best advice is to simply accept her as she is right now and try to avoid thinking that it's somehow a negative relfection on you. This is just par for the "baby" course. It's completely natural. It just happens.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (2 March 2012):
 You're dealing with potentially several issues here. Could be post-partum depression. Depression of any kind will suck the life & desire out of anyone. That & wildly fluctuating hormones. She's also probably stressed & just plain tired. You may want to go to the next well-baby check or OBGYN appointment & discuss this her & her doctor. It affects you all. She may not even be aware she needs some extra post-natal care. Keep being good to her & your little one. Your support of them is critical. Your reaching out for help is a major plus! Hang in there & good luck!
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 March 2012):
 This is often a common problem, especially after pregnancy. Her body is going through a variety of hormonal changes as well as having issues with time. Not only does she have a needy baby wanting her constant affection, she still has to attend to you and her needs.
I think what you are asking for is realistic however. It is part of the wife's job to sexually pleasure her husband. Let's face it, people who neglect their spouses sexual needs usually wind up with a pretty sad relationships (or worse, divorced).
It sounds like you need to explain to her the pain and hurt you are feeling when you are rejected. Tell her that you enjoy pleasing her, but you want to make love to her. Listen to her response(s) as far as why she doesn't want to be intimate with you. This conversation will be uncomfortable, but explain that you want to get back to where you were.
If she does offer reasons why she doesn't want to pleasure you, listen to her. There may be valid reasons. If it is time, help her out around the house or have someone watch your child and step out for a night or two. If it is hormonal, perhaps she needs to talk to her doctor. But I agree, she needs to follow through if there aren't any emotional or physical hang-ups with you.
If you don't feel comfortable talking about it, perhaps it is time to up your game. How about making a home-cooked meal with candles or going out and doing something new together? Seduce her like you used to when you were dating. Perhaps plan a quick weekend out somewhere? Vacation sex can usually rekindle a cold bedroom. Sometimes us guys get lazy with our significant others and expect sexual gratification without putting in the effort.
Either way, I highly recommend two books, for both of you, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" and for her, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr Laura Schlessinger. They are easy to read and they illustrate that men's emotional (as well as sexual) needs must be met.
Good luck.
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