A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a December birthday and my boyfriend of 9months got me a gift for my birthday but today on Chritsmas no gift. He got one from me.After his family left I asked if he had a gift for me, he said no he ran out of money and hopes to take me shopping for one soon. He has a spending habit and needs to get his finances in order I know.Do I have a right to be angry that he bought gifts for many other people but left me out. I buy him new clothes, shoes, pay for dinners etc. randomly because I like helping and I got nothing on Christmas! Its very hurtful and frustrating.Thanks all.
View related questions:
christmas, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (27 December 2017):
 I agree with jls.
Unless you've discussed and agreed to not buy each othe presents or set a limit it's absolutely unacceptable to not buy a partner a gift. You don't even have to buy anything you could make something for next to nothing.
I would of felt unbelievable embarrassment to sit in front of his family and give him gifts and receive nothing in return. He sounds like a cheapskate and if you didn't call him out on it he wouldn't of mentioned a thing.
If I were you I'd call it a day, he sounds like a freeloader.
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (27 December 2017):
I’m starting to become quite disillusioned by the sort of behaviour people think it’s reasonable to accept in a relationship these days.
Honestly OP, you are the one that went to the trouble of getting him a gift. Then, despite having discussed exchanging gifts beforehand, you had to sit there in front of his family and receive nothing in return. Not only that but he didn’t even offer an apology or explanation, he waited for you to ask. Yet YOU are the one that is being made out to be selfish here because people shouldn’t ‘give to receive’?!
Sorry but that’s bull in my opinion. Of course your feelings are justified, he let you down by going back on his word without so much as a sorry. But actually even if you hadn’t agreed to exchange gifts, he would still know that you would be likely to expect one. It’s freaking Christmas for crying out loud!! Like it or not, there is a social etiquette to follow. And based on the fact he bought gifts for others he obviously knows how it usually works.
Of course I get that some people can be broke at this time of year. One of my closest friends has just bought a house so we agreed not to do presents at all this year. Another group of my friends agreed to do a ‘secret santa’ type of arrangement instead of individual gifts to save some money. But the point is, these arrangements were discussed beforehand because most decent people would be mortified to be in a situation where they received a gift from someone and didn’t have one to offer back. Unless they are users or spongers, which I’m sad to say it sounds like your boyfriend is.
So my advice is this: forget anyone who tells you your feelings aren’t justified, get rid of this loser and never settle for anyone who is happy to take more than they give in a relationship in any sense (money, love, effort, anything) ever again. Good luck to you OP and Merry Christmas!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2017): I would be upset too.Especially if he gave others Christmas presents and not you.I was born on Dec. 1st.My bf of 5 years gave me a beautuful diamond necklace with my birthstone. It was expensive and he made it clear it would be a combination gift for my bday and Christmas.I can understand that finances dictate but in this case, he bought other people Christmas presents but not you.He could have bought you something small just to show he was thinking of you. Something which would not break his piggy bank.My bf did this to me a couple of years ago. Got me a nice bday present and nothing at Christmas. I got him presents. I was so pissed off at him. And I let him know about it. He said he was sorry and made up excuses. I was very hurt. I even considered leaving him over it.It appears your boyfriend is not very thoughtful.Guys hurt our feelings when they act like this. I don't think they understand the impact their actions (or inactions) have on us.It's your call. You have a right to your feelings. He doesn't get a say in that. You can try to let it go and move on, and see if he stops taking you for granted from now on. Or you can use this as a wake up call about his true nature or feelings towards you and cut the chord.Wishing you well.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 December 2017):
 Honestly, OP?
One thing is dating someone in their 20's with bad spending habits and sucky budget skills but in their 30+ they should have LEARNED by now to do better. Not just when it comes to partners but overall.
It seems like the real issue is him taking you a bit for granted. He doesn't seem bothered by the fact that YOU pay for dates all the time. Not that I think dating and relationships should be one or the other paying or always keeping tabs of who paid last, but I could not imagine dating someone who seems JUST FINE having you pay the majority of the time.
It's also not something that is likely to change on his end. People usually do not go from being inconsiderate and a big spender to becoming frugal and better at budgeting. At least NOT unless they themselves KNOW they need to fix this. Doesn't seem like it's a priority.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2017): Give generously and expect nothing in return. If you are a couple, you split some things, and you treat each other at other times. You don't obligate people to give you presents; and it doesn't mean they don't love or value you, if they can't afford a gift. Sometimes you may miss a special occasion. He did remember your birthday!
Giving presents is a gratuitous expression of affection, not an obligation. Gifting has been taken entirely out of context; and now it's reason for fights or breakups.
Back in the good old days, it was more important how someone treated you; and in what ways they demonstrated true love. It was most appreciated being received as an act of kindness and displays of spontaneous affection. Unexpected surprises that you can't tie with a bow, or attach a price-tag to. Small sweet gestures given for no apparent reason. Consistency in good-will, loving support, and many different unexpected ways of expressing appreciation. Not just what you could fit in a box, or order on Amazon!
Now it has to be expressed in diamonds; and you can't miss an anniversary or holiday, or there is cause for emotional-distress.
Seriously?!!
You don't pout. It's not your fault you were born in December; but some people are given combination-gifts when a birthday falls very close to Hanukkah or Christmas. He has promised to make it up to you; so now you're throwing it up in his face about how generous you have been? Then it wasn't really from the heart. You can itemize everything!!!
This is a new relationship. If you feel he has been using you, then dump him. It is petty and stingy to keep a tally of what you're spending for your romantic-partner. You keep receipts and expense reports for your tax accountant! You said you do these things for him randomly. Has he ever asked you to pay for anything, or borrowed money from you?
I splurge on my family and friends. Sometimes they may miss my birthday or Christmas. Honestly, It never crosses my mind. Somebody still gives a gift, but the love of the others was never considered any less.
There are other things I receive that better than any gift. If I need a ride to or from the airport, I've got it. If my car breaks-down, and I'm stranded in the rain; I never have to call a cab or Uber. I hit speed-dial! If I'm home with a cold, somebody shows up with chicken soup. When I'm sad or had a bad day, my boyfriend cheers me up with corny jokes, back or foot-rubs; or teases me until I can't help but laugh. Gifts don't always arrive on birthdays or Christmas. Some come everyday of the year. The greatest of gifts is love enhanced and supersized with affection.
It's useless to preach to people about what giving is all about; and even more useless to suggest that you should consider the unsaid situation, if someone misses a holiday or birthday gift.
If it's a habit, they're just stingy, and it means so very much to you; then you have to decide if you're a compatible match. Also consider if that person demonstrates "love" according to your expectations. Maybe because I'm older, I've learned to count even the smallest of good-gestures as blessings, and be grateful. I consider the source and the thought behind it all! It was something taught to me by my parents and grandparents. Reinforced by older siblings, and my uncles and aunts. Now I'm passing it on!
If you like gifts and to receive things each and every birthday, holiday, and Valentines Day; don't date a broke guy. If you're doing him financial favors without his request or permission; either send him a bill, or write it off to "generosity!"
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeypie.
We talked about exchanging gifts so I was surprised yesterday. A heads up would have been nice so I didnt feel like a jerk asking if he had a gift, even a card would have been nice. Its the thought.
I dont know what I am going to do.
Prior to this I already told him he needs to step up more and start paying 1/2 of meals etc.
I believe his finances and spending are worse than I first realized to support the serious relationship I am seeking.
:(
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 December 2017):
Gifts are not a transaction. We give gifts because we want to and because we care (unless it's a Secret Santa thing)It's not a tit for tat. If you only gave him a gift because you thought HE was going to gift you as well, then maybe skip gifting all together with this man.
I don't think being angry is the right "feeling" But I do understand it. He had apparently enough money for EVERYONE else except you. This is HOW you feel. So what do you intend to do about it?
Maybe he felt that he had already got you "a gift" for your birthday and thus could get away with NOT buying you a Christmas one as well.
Not saying it's right at all, HE could have mentioned that his finances were in the crapper and he wouldn't be able to buy you a Christmas gift as well. That way you could decide if giving him ONE was what you wanted to do or not.
I'd say this though... IF you EXPECT him to buy you gifts and stuff because YOU spend money on him... then STOP spending money on him. He is a GROWN man and should be able to buy his own clothes, shoes and to chip in with dinners.
If you ACT like an ATM - some people will TREAT you like an ATM (seems like your BF is)
And maybe you need to reconsider this guy as a partner. I mean he is a GROWN man who can't control his spending habit or his finances.... That is a hard thing to deal with in a relationship.
...............................
|
