A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I'm just wondering if your new boyfriend of 3 months does not get you a birthday present what would you think to that?He hasn't got much money at all. He got me a card, but I was hoping for a little something. Even some chocolates, or some flowers would've been lovely. Or if he picked some, even better. It's not the money, I'm just a little disappointed that he got me absolutely nothing , other than a card. He paid for a takeaway for us, but it was probably his turn to pay anyway :-(It's been a week now, too late to mention it probably. Wht do I do on his birthday? His is 6 months away, and it'll be his 30th. So obviously if we're still together we will prob be more serious and it's a special birthday. Should I just let it go or what?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 July 2014):
 I have to agree with Auntie Cindy.
You two have BARELY started dating, it's only been 3 months. I think buying dinner (even if it was his "turn") and a card is fine. And if you two are still together when his b-day rolls around I wouldn't go overboard with a present. I would talk to him about price limits for b-day and Christmas presents so no one gets disappointed.
Personally, I don't really do adult birthdays. I will send a card if it's a friend/family - if they are having a party I will bring a bottle of wine/card. My husband gets practical presents because he doesn't buy those things for himself.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 July 2014):
 You know.. I think there's no right answer to this one. It totally depends on the dynamic between the two of you and how you both are as a person. I can imagine it being totally acceptable to get only a card and then buy the take-away. I can also imagine it being weird and awkward, and feeling like he doesn't care. In your case, obviously you do care. But did you tell him this?
I think it depends on how you communicate. If you told him you didn't care much for gifts... And if he, when presenting you with the card, told you something nice like how happy you make him, wished you a happy birthday, and explained how he doesn't have much money, or the card was very nice with something nice written on it... And then you shared a laugh and he said he'd get the take-away for you to celebrate with the dinner, then I think it'd be perfectly fine.
But if you told him you were excited about your birthday, if the expectations for a gift were in the air, and if he then just showed up with a card with no handwritten text and just said "here, congrats, I'll get us some take-away" and then nothing else... well, then it'd be weird. Like he was cheap and it didn't matter much to him that it was your birthday.
I've had boyfriend give me overwhelming gifts for my birthday without it meaning much to me. They then expected me to be overjoyed about it, but Im not a person who feels loved just because of a gift, I can't be "bought" like that. So it didn't matter to me. Then again I had boyfriends who gave me a dvd for my birthday, and I thought it was a bit cheap/unromantic... So it can go both ways, depending on the relationship and what expectations you have. I've had boyfriends not give me anything for my birthday, but rather having a lovely and romantic day with me otherwise, and I was perfectly happy. So yeah, it depends.
I think, if you are unsure about this and feel like maybe he doesn't care, then you should ask him about it. Express how you feel. Or, you can look at the rest of your relationship. How does he act with you? Is he in love? Does he smile at you often? Does he hold his arms around you, compliment you, show you love in other ways? There are 5 different love languages, you should google it. Maybe gifts is just not his way to show love, maybe he shows it in other ways... And you just need to learn what ways he shows it in order to feel/appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (4 July 2014):
 It depends really. Have you ever discussed birthdays before yours? Did you ever specify that presents or a celebration were important to you?
I ask because I know of many people who do nothing for birthdays, at all. They simply don't care. I am not one of those people but my boyfriend is. Had I not told him I made a big deal of birthdays I probably would have ended up with a card too. Or in my sister's case, her boyfriend did nothing for her birthday and she was quite upset. Turns out he was just clueless about women altogether, he hadn't been in any serious relationships. Had she told him what she wanted or expected he would have done it gladly, but he was not good with surprises and again clueless.
I think its best to share all of your feelings and wants in a relationship. A man is not a mind reader so unless you told him what you would have appreciated and he brought you only a card, he should be cut some slack. But from this point on TALK to him. Tell him now that you wished more was done for your birthday. Say money isn't the problem and what you would have liked. Ask him what he would want for his birthdays, what he usually does, just talk to him.
Overall you are stressing a lot over a problem that is solved simply with communication.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): yeah, I'm not a demanding girlfriend, but if this happened to me I'd be p*ssed. I mean, if you told him not to get you a present then I think it's ok that he didn't. But otherwise he should have at least tried, you're right, money isn't the issue, it's the thought, and knowing he was going to spend your birthday with him, he really didn't put any thought into it.
I'd let him know that you're not materialistic, but you did feel unappreciated on your birthday, and make it very clear that you're sorry to bring it up, and it's definitely not about the money, but that moving forward, making each other feel special is important to you, and you had already given some thought to his 30th if you're still together. The weather's been ok, suggest when you next have a day together go somewhere in the sunshine as a birthday treat, somewhere outdoors and free, you could even joke a little and say 'you can buy me an ice-cream to make up for it' depending on his humour. Hopefully the fact that you've bought it up calmly without trying to pick an argument will mean he'll put in a bit more effort for next time. It might be a bit late for a present now, but some men just don't think to make a fuss about these things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): Unless there are religious reasons I would see this as a red flag FOR ME. Birthdays are a time you show someone they are special and spoil them. If he doesn't 'do' birthdays, he should have let you know that fact to show care incase it IS important to you. Three months in he should be showering you with attention.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 July 2014):
 I would not freak out just yet.
It does not have to mean that he does not care, or that he is a cheapskate.
He did get you a card, and probably he thought that for just 3 months of dating, that's adequate. Some people see it this way .
Other people think that fussing abouth birthdyas is for kids , unless maybe it's some special milestone ( 40, 50, ... ) and unless you make sure they know that for you it IS a big deal, they'd think no biggie and would not do anything special.
Or, you say he's broke, so maybe he was embarassed that he could not give you anything " good ", so , better nothing- not everybody thinks that it's the thought that couts, and particularly a MALE of 30, would see giving chocs like teenagerish and pathetic.
Or... he is the rational ,unsentimental type and thinks that if he is broke he'd better not waste his money in chocs and flowers. Not necessarily to spend it all on himself :), but , let's say, to treat you to dinner, or movies or something special in future.
There may be other reasons too... let's say that, at only 3 months, the jury is still out on this. Wait and see how he treats you in general, if he is caring , affectionate, etc., and how he uses his money in general... before jumping to conclusion just because of this birthday disappointment.
As for his birthday, do as your heart suggests. If YOU want to mark this special occasion, do buy him a present , that you can afford without extravagance, but also without pennypinching. Tit for tat is never good in love- and in gift giving. You don't give so that you can GET, that denies the meaning of the gift. Of course, though, if you break the piggybank to get him a Rolex, and when it's is turn he reciprocates with a scrunchie from the " all at 99 cents " store - that may mean something about your differences in generosity , money management, and general priorites- and it's an indication that you should not ignore..
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (4 July 2014):
Dear OP,
I would be disappointed, too. For me, it's also not about the money. It's about showing that you care. If he didn't have anything, he could still make a nice voucher, for instance for a massage he would give you, or watching your favorite movie with you.. whatever. I would even question, for a moment, if he seriously cared about me, if he's too lazy to get me anything?
But then again, nobody is perfect and if otherwise he's a good boyfriend, I am sure you can work this out with him.
Could it be that somehow, he's from a family where birthdays are very unimportant, or that he never had a serious girlfriend before? Because that would make it sort of more excusable.. I mean, maybe he just has very different expectations about birthdays.
Anyway, I would talk about it. Because if you let this go.. you will be even more disappointed if you only get a card for christmas.. and your next birthday.
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