A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry this is long, but I am in real need of help.My boyfriend used to go out every night last summer, either to a house party or a night club with his friends. In September of that year we met, and began dating. I have never been a jealous person before this. I often thought about how he must have gotten with tons of girls that summer, but then did my best to believe him when he said most girls at clubs are gross, slutty, and h goes out for the music/to drink./just out with friends. And based on what I know when he's with me, I shouldn't doubt it. But the problem is, all I know of him is what he's been like since I've met and began dating him -- there was virtually no "friendship" stage. And although I love him very much, these thoughts are really getting in the way.I don't talk to him about it. I used to before, but stopped because who wants a jealous girlfriend. The other night though, after we went to a club for halloween with his friends, I asked one of them whether "guys only go clubbing to hook up with girls" to which he answered yes. When I asked my boyfriend shortly after, he said "no, but clubs are a singles scene." Since then, I have had two incredibly vivid dreams; the kind where you remember every emotion, every event, and when you wake up you can't differentiate dream from reality. In the first, he hooked up with countless girls over and over while I helplessly whatched on the side. In the second I dreamt we were in our apartment, and he was telling me in detail about the dozens of girls and two threesomes he has had, and it was as if all these events were playing out as he told them. I don't know how much, if any of this is true at all, but I don't want to ask in fear that it IS true, and also in fear that he will surely label me as a crazy, jealous, girl who hasn't matured enough to deal with the past. Im terrified that the entire summer before he was someone completely different than who I know, and the realistic dreams I have had ingrained themselves in my mind. I cannot spend a minute without thinking about them. And he knows something is wrong, he knows I've been having nightmares, but I won't tell him.What should I do? Should I tell him and see what happens? Or stay silent and try to get over it with time? Any help would be much, much appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): Can therapy help in situations like this? Absolutely.
I was very insecure about my boyfriend, his fidelity and his sexual past (which, I unfortunately, knew many, many details about). He'd never given me any reason not to trust him, but I didn't and my self-esteem was pretty low, too. I was convinced he'd just go and find someone better. It was hurting our relationship, so I found some reasonably priced counseling services (if you live in a college town, it's likely you can get these at a discount, especially if you're enrolled in the college to begin with). I only went a few times, and the counselor helped me to figure out exactly what was bothering me by asking good questions and making me think about where my thoughts were coming from. I learned a way to "get over it," if you will, by writing down my thoughts in a private journal to help organize and analyze what was going on in my head. We're doing much better now, and now my insecurities about my boyfriend with other women are few and far between, and the relationship is going much better.
Sorry to go on a tangent about myself, but I thought I'd illustrate my point to answer your question.
As for you already being stressed, yes, that absolutely could be applying to your relationship. I know you are very busy in your program, but you definitely need to find something to do as a stress relief, whether that's going for runs when you're feeling the most stressed, or taking up yoga or kick-boxing.
You can get through this! Best of luck!
A
male
reader, turbine  +, writes (3 November 2010):
In fact your guy should consider himself lucky to have a person like you. And it's your duty to be happy and not paranoid over every little thing. Try yoga for beating stress. Yoga (breathing exercises specifically) are excellent in beating stress and keeping your mind fresh even in tough situations. 'Prayanama' would do wonders for you. And if your guy is totally into you and doesn't miss his past going out alone then there is no reason you should not trust him. Just be careful when he shows signs that he enjoys being without you more than being with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for answering :) I know this jealousy doesn't have a strong basis. A lot of it I think stems from my first relationship, in which the guy told me "guys only date girls until they can find someone better" and stuff like that. Even though since then no one has talked this way to me, the fact that it was my first relationship really made the words stick, and I guess I've had trouble trusting men in general, not my boyfriend specifically.
Could this also be due to unrelated stress? I've had an immense amount, being in second year of a really challenging program, and I think maybe this has made me over-stress on other areas of my life as well. Has anyone had any successfull experiences with therapists that have actually helped them deal with such situations? Because if I continue having problems with this I might consider trying a session.
Thanks for the help! :)
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female
reader, Tammy1205  +, writes (3 November 2010):
 I would just ask him, couples should have nothing to hide from one another. And stop worrying! You're wasting your time there. You are going to have to accept his past if you two are going to continue in a relationship. If his previous actions are bothering you this much, I think you should re-evaluate your current relationship. If you are going to be with his in the present you must not fret over his past.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): Why do you care so much about what he did when he was single? How would you like it if he grilled you about what you did when you were single? If he is a good boyfriend to you, don't cause drama for no reason at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): They're just nightmares, not reality. The fact is, your brain is in overdrive and you're thinking about this a lot. You have a kind of retroactive jealousy in which you are making up things to be jealous about. There's absolutely no need for this, and as you know, it'll only hurt your relationship.
There's no need to talking to your boyfriend about this issue, as he's told you it isn't true. Plus, knowing every detail about someone's sexual past doesn't really help the situation, either, and it'll only fill you with more jealousy.
Instead of talking to your boyfriend about it, try taking out your feelings on something else. Write in a private, personal journal (NOT an online one) about how you're feeling. Take up kickboxing or some other active hobby to help alleviate the stress you're feeling from this.
When you start thinking about the mere possibility that your boyfriend has a sexual past, brush it off. Tell yourself you're being ridiculous, that he's told you he thinks the girls at clubs and parties, etc. are gross. You have to believe him on this, especially when he hasn't given you any reason not to believe what he says.
Additionally, he IS with you. YOU are the one he kisses and spends time with, etc., not the countless girls at clubs and house parties.
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reader, turbine +, writes (3 November 2010):
If your boyfriend is still going to night clubs without you then that should be a cause of worry. But if he's a different person now and is totally hooked on to you and realises that he should not be going there any more then it's okay. Test him if those places attract him anymore and does he want to go there 'alone' now...well if he does then you should have a talk with him. Don't let your dreams bother you as they are only dreams and they only come out of your subconsious mind!
If he still likes going to those places 'alone' then beleive me he's not worth it! And if he thinks that those places are not for him to go alone then you are hooked on to the right guy. Stop dreaming bad and go for a vacation with him!!
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reader, mselu08 +, writes (3 November 2010):
You seem like a good girl with high morals. You have every right to worry about his past. A guy doesn't want to date an easy girl. So why would a girl want to date an easy guy. Throw out the double standard. It doesn't exist anymore.
I guess what you need to do is ask yourself some questions. If he does come out and tell you that he was a man whore, are you going to end it? Will that be a deal breaker? If the answer is yes, then you need to find out and end it. The sooner the better. If the answer is no, then all this information will do is make you sick.
It's honestly a double edged sword. Knowing or not knowing? I don't know which one is better. My fiance was a man whore before we started dating. And not only did he tell me about all of his escapades, he acts as if he is proud of them. It makes me physically sick and makes it incredibly hard for me to be intimate with him at times. And makes me question whether or not he will stay faithful since he is so proud of his past.
So in a way, you can be thankful that he is hiding it from you (if he is hiding anything from you). This means he isn't proud of what he has done (if he has done anything).
I hope I have helped some
Ps. Don't feel "immature" because you have issues with the past. It isn't a maturity thing. It's a moral thing. Don't ever feel bad because you have morals. Listen and stay true to them.
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