A
female
age
,
*eggy
writes:My new husband has been looking at naked women on Craigslist and now I feel disgusted with him. It makes me feel like we are not special. It makes me feel like he thinks of other women when having sex with him and now I don't really want to have sex with him. He says he won't look again but I don't see why he wouldn't. I had asked him before we married whether he was the type to look at naked women on line and told him I really can't take that and he told me he wouldn't...then he did. I think he has ruined a good relationship. I just don't want to live my life wondering. This really sucks. I just wanted some nice guy who would appreciate me. I am a very sexy female and have always had no trouble finding romance. Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): I found some offending DVDs that my husband had a year ago(he lied and lied and then admitted he just wanted to check it out) and it still bothers me. Not jazzed for sex so much after that, took a major hit to the self esteem, and kind of paranoid that there are other things he's lying about. If porn is a precondition to the relationship, fine, thats how some people roll - doesn't have to be you.
For his health and home stability, he'll think of whoever and use you as a medium? Thats BS. Refuse to be used. We all have impulses, and restraint is what makes us human. Tell him to man up move out!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): I think that if a man or woman believes that they must play with porn, then they also must tell their partner that they intend to do it. Otherwise they are just creating a false relationship and are using thier partner deceptively. By lying about it or hiding it they are denying the others right to live thier sexuality the way they want to. They will ultimately destroy the others sexual satisfaction with them anyway when it is revealed, and it will be eventually, and its just wasting time. Life is short. Why deny yourself or someone else the right to live the way they want to. Besides...they have their porn...what else could they possibly need? If they are that impressed with it, must have it, then ehey should be willing to let their partner choose whether they accept that or want to find someone more satisfying for their needs. Why should a partner give up their entire sexual satisfaction so that another can play a little mind game on the side. Simple to me. Put your cards on the table and play...or go find another game to play...on your own time.
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (23 January 2009):
I keep reading about this dilemma here more and more. And I for one have been through this myself.
It seems that for some women, they are perfectly okay with their man looking at porn, they really are. I used to be one of those women.
For other women, it is absolutely not acceptable. They ask their man if he is looking at porn, he lies and says no he isn't (b/c he knows it is not acceptable to her, though that does not excuse the lying, it merely explains it), but then she finds out in reality he is. Her world is shattered in so many ways. He lied to her #1, he has this need to look at other women naked #2, this in turn negatively affects her self-esteem #3, their relationship is in a different place #4 (this situation strips the relationship of it's specialness and intimacy).
For even other women, it is acceptable for their man to look at porn. She communicates this to her man and asks him if he looks at porn. He lies to her anyway and says no he isn't, but then she finds out (usually quite accidentally) he in fact is looking at porn. Her world is shattered just the same. She was lied to, so now she questions her trust in this man. She used to feel as though she was the only woman in the world around him. He has just taken that away from her. Her self-esteem suffers, and so does their relationship. The repercussions are far-reaching. I am this third woman.
Our situations are similar but not identical. The difference is that you were never comfortable with him looking at porn, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way. I used to be comfortable with porn, when it was out in the open (and not done to excess). Now I associate it with secrecy, lies, deception, and an overall lack of trust. I am so disheartened with it that it makes me sick to my stomach. I am now where you have always been - uncomfortable, very much so, with anything even remotely connected to porn.
Our reactions and feelings are similar also. Maybe even identical. We feel hurt, betrayed. We no longer feel special. We wonder yes, is he fantasizing about a pornographic image to get off, while with us? That would completely eliminate any possible emotional intimacy. That would be bringing another woman into the bedroom. Then the act is merely sex, vs. making love. This situation raises some complex feelings that become overwhelming. Those feelings spread like weeds to encompass everything else that happens. It can make us feel used, dirty, empty in an emotional sense, yet full of negative thoughts and feelings. Our world crashes and crumbles, hard. We start to question who we are. We start to question this relationship we are in, this relationship that now makes us feel so very bad about ourselves.
If we knew the truth from the beginning, would that have changed how we reacted to our man viewing porn? Would that have changed the ensuing feelings of knowing our man was viewing porn? For some of us, the answer is yes - we would have been able to accept it, for we would know what we were dealing with. The fact that it would have been out in the open would have given us greater options. We certainly wouldn't have to be dealing with a lack of trust, above all else.
For others, the answer is no. However, you would not have been slapped in the face twice, only once. You would have been given the opportunity to address the issue openly. You would have been given the opportunity to discuss your feelings. You would have been able to better arrive at a resolution that both of you agreed to. You may have even been able to get yourself to a place of acceptance or semi-acceptance. Not necessarily, but it would have been more of a possibility, if remote at best. Your man lying about it added insult to injury.
As far as advice...if you absolutely cannot accept it, then there must be an ultimatum, unfortunately. If it makes you feel this bad, and I completely understand b/c when I found out it eventually made me feel that bad too (I think b/c like your hubby, my fiance continued to view it in secret, and continued to lie about doing so, so there was a snowball effect which ultimately stripped away my self-esteem and badly damaged our relationship) - then you have several choices, in no particular order:
- Get yourself to a place where you can accept him looking at porn. You may not condone it, you may not like it, but you accept that it goes on, and you know that he does it, and doesn't really want to stop. He in turn must start being honest about his habits, and not try to hide it from you. You could even consider surprising him by renting a porn DVD with the intent of watching it together. Some of them are actually quite humorous, what with their silly plots, background music, and fake moaning!
- You tell him how it makes you feel. It is best if you can remain calm, but we often get pushed to the edge in this situation, and by the time we attempt to discuss it with them, we are seething in anger and end up exploding. Get him to agree to stop, and get him to prove that he has stopped. Put pornoblockers on the computer, and make him accountable for his activities and whereabouts. Make him understand that no matter what, he must be completely honest with you if you are ever going to learn how to trust him again, and if you are ever going to repair the relationship. Which, as I'm sure you realize, will take a long long time and lots of hard work from both partners.
- You absolutely cannot accept it, it continues to erode your self-esteem, and you consistently question the entire relationship. You have told him how you feel, but he continues to lie, he continues to view it. He is obviously selfish and self-serving. He has no respect for your feelings or wishes, nor does he understand them. He will continue to insult you, humiliate you, and disrespect you and your relationship, in many ways, not just by viewing porn. Problems will erupt in other areas. The trust is gone. It feels as though the only way you will regain your self-esteem is to get out of the relationship. So, in essence, that is what you must do. You will have to emotionally separate yourself from him and from the relationship, if you haven't already. It is the only way you will survive. You will have to do whatever you have to do to get out, which may mean finding your own place, getting a job if you don't already have one, possibly moving in with someone else (parents, friend) until you are on your feet financially. Perhaps you are already financially independent, which makes it all the easier. Perhaps you have the option of demanding that he leave. Either way, if it is unacceptable and he won't stop, there will have to be an ultimatum. And if you don't feel you will ever be able to trust him again, and if you feel you will always have to wonder what he's up to, then how can your relationship possibly survive that? It can't. It will end up self-destructing at some point.
If you suspect cheating and suspect he is taking his fantasy world to the next level by actually hooking up with other women, then that is an even bigger problem. It doesn't sound as though you are necessarily thinking that, though.
And you will more than likely face this issue yet again in a future relationship, for porn is rampant now more than ever. I hate to say it, but it's true. You may be lucky enough to find a man who does not view it, or agress not to view it b/c you have made this request of him. But that will be like finding a needle in a haystack in this day and age. Are they out there? Yes, I believe they are. I've even read responses from a few of them here on this site. They are golden and rare, and I wouldn't even know where to begin to look for them.
Good luck to you, and let us know how things are going.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2009): No advice from me, but I know exactly how you feel. Five days ago I returned home early to find my husband of 1 year looking at porn. I was (and still am) devestated. He tried to lie about it 1000 times, but it was so obvious that he finally admitted when I threatened to check the computer's website history. I've tried to talk to one of my girlfriends about it, but she's not married, and she just said every guy does it, men need it, blah blah blah. I can't explain how hurt I feel inside. I don't want to "blow it out of proportion" because I know that we all make mistakes and no one is perfect, but I'm crushed. I too used to think that we were different, that we were really in love. I think that my husband is the most handsome man in the world, I have no desire to look at other men. He says it's not about the women, but how can it not be? I'm not that upset about the porn, just the fact that he kept it from me. Like it was better without me. Like he has this secret sex life and fantasies that I'm not a part of. What can I do? He has apologized profusely and swears he'll never look again. I don't believe him. I don't trust him anymore. He was also looking at Craigslist. I'm so confused because we just had sex the night before, and I am an attractive woman. How do I put this behind me?
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A
female
reader, Meggy +, writes (17 January 2009):
Meggy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI probably should clarify which part of Craiglist he was looking at. He was only looking at the "Rant and Rave" section of Craig's list. As far I could tell, he had not gone into the other personals sections like women seeking men. But in Rant and Rave, there are a bunch of people posting nude photos with titles like "My first flash." DearCupid changed my title to use the word "Porn". I had just called it naked photos of women. What do you think?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): Hi... initially, I was going to read your post and not respond, because I don't find porn to be that big of a deal and I figured you were just overreacting...
HOWEVER, you said he's been on Craig's List. Craig's List isn't porn. If he wanted porn, he could go to any of 1000 sites and sign up as a member or any one of 1000 free sites, if he didn't want to pay. Craig's List is a whole different animal and one that does give me concern. Graig's List is about hooking up. Those naked women are either hookers or women looking to hook up with someone and their advertising all their business on Craig's List. Those women are showing their personals in the hopes of getting a one night stand or a john for the night.
Now, that said, I personally have visited Craig's List "personals" ads a time or two. Not because I was looking for a hook up, but because I was simply astounded at the way men and women advertised themselves on there. I couldn't believe my eyes at how people just gave away themselves to strangers so freely (my personal favorite was 5 guys advertising to find a "superbowl slut"... some random prideless woman who would do all 5 of them during the superbowl... I wondered if anyone ever reponded).
The difference, however, between your hubby and me, is that I shared that info with everyone I knew (because it was so outrageous). The fact that he's looking at this in secret again causes me concern.
I would confront him about this. I would also read those Craig's List ads he's been looking at as well...
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (15 January 2009):
 Ok, no offense, but if he only looks at it on his own time when you are not with him, then the only problem is the one in your head. I was very nice before but all these other comments upset me very much. Would you rather have him go out and sleep with another woman or whack off sometimes in front of a computer? It's just a show, fantasy, it has no bearing on how we see the women in our lives. GROW UP!! Getting that pissed off at a guy for watching porn is just as stupid as if you like too watch brad pitt movies and I get pissed off because you think he's hot. Who care's, you are with me not the guy on the tv or the movie. There is no threat here.
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A
female
reader, Meggy +, writes (15 January 2009):
Meggy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, he actually wasn't looking at the naked photos in front of me. He did it secretly and absolutely would have denied it if I hadn't been able to pull it up on his history list. It has really damaged our relationship. I'm a nice looking woman and now I feel so ugly and really really don't feel like having sex with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): flynn 24 -GET A LIFE!!!!!
Dont listen to him! immature!
Women have the right to be treated with respect, if they dont like porn their feelings should be respected!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): What is it with women and Porn? No matter how many times we tell you it is no bearing on how we feel about you, or your skills in the bedroom... you still make a big deal out of it.
Men are visual animals. We like to look at women. Its just how we are programmed to react. And lord knows you women aren't often in the mood to get naked so we can look at you every second we want it... which is pretty much m,ost of the day. So we make do with images of women we will never, ever meet in a million years.
Its a fantasy. We are all entitled to them, even you. So feel free to make-believe we;re Brad Pitt during sex if that makes you feel better, we won't care because are the ones making the feelings in that fantasy actually happen.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): Ok this happened to me as well after 2 months of marriage. I was going to leave...but stayed 10 years later...it happened several times over the years after him promising not to again. The last time I said I too would take our kids and leave.He was making me feel unloved, worthless, unattractive and I started to take antideppresants all coz of him.I started looking at other men too, to make me feel better about myself.I told my husband all this, coz I was thinking of following through on my feelings, sex wasnt happening with him, he would rather get off online which disgusted me when I am a good looking woman.He read a few of the posts on here and started to get it at last...now I check the pc regulary and he hasnt been wastching it, we came up with a set of rules and he is respecting that.Husbands need to understand that it can affect wives behaviour and self esteem. Problem is most of them have started in their teens and cant break the habit, but if they want a fulfilling relationship they are going to have to treat wives with respect.MEN can do without this stuff if they really love their partner, afterall the partner is real, porn is just on a screen. Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): My wife once told me that if I didn't stop looking at porn she would take our kids and leave. I stopped. At first I was pissed until I realized that I wouldn't feel right about her looking at male models naked. She has my utmost respect - she's my woman and I love her enough to tell her that she is more to me then some quick fix. She eventually surprised me with a video one night - thought it was a set up until I saw that she made me a steamy video of herself to get me going and it's the only thing I look at. I'm going to lay it out there men look at porn because we like to look at techniques, we like some hot fantasy to come to life, whether it's real or not but I would never have gone into craigslist for porn- that sounds like he's looking for a hook up. He aint there for the porn he is trying to make interaction. I could be wrong but I am the man here.
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A
female
reader, sheribaby38 +, writes (12 January 2009):
 i think most men look at and are curiouce about porn. as long as he is not going outside of the marriage to hook up i dont see a problem. if i were you i would sugest looking at some porn together. you might get turned on a bit yourself and enjoy watching it together. theres no harm in it.your two married adults and sometimes that kind of thing spices up a marriage.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (12 January 2009):
I agree with alot of what pvtguy says, But withholding sex from him will only make it worse. He probably didnt realize how much this would be a problem for you even when you asked him about it before you got married. I can tell you from experience that this has nothing to do with the way he feels about you. Most guys dont see viewing porn as a big deal at all. But i do know some women think its cheating. I think maybe now he gets the way you feel. Give him another shot and also maybe talk with him about what he might like in the bedroom that would help. But, marraige is a two way street so make sure he understands your happiness from here on out too. I think if you guys communicate more it will work out.
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A
female
reader, Jenni2878 +, writes (12 January 2009):
 guys look at porn. they just do. doesnt mean he doesnt love you. its just something they all do. really even the best ones that never ever cheat look. i promise. if he starts to not want to have sex with u thats a different issue or if it becomes so often that its compulsive ok that would not be good either. bt the fact he does it in front of u instead of hiding it is retty cool. means he loves u and ur his friend so he can be honest with u. check it out watch it with him pick on the ugly ones and point out the hotties its fucn. and dont worry he loves u
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