A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Let me start off with giving you some background information; I just got out of a three year relationship (like early this month!) with my first boyfriend. he confessed to cheating on me 1 time 6 months ago, we broke up. I recently got tested and I'm clean. the break up was pretty hard so I joined a dating app called tinder and just so I could distract myself from the pain; the conversations with guys made me feel better. Anyway I met an attractive guy and we actually have stuff in common; the conversation between us was actually pretty interesting and he was the only one that caught my attention...I'm not the type of girl that hooks up with randoms, I've only been with one person sexually but I was kind of considering the guy as a rebound because of the traumatic event that happened to me. I met him up for dinner and we got along well in person too. He immediately contacted me wanting to hangout again soon. On our second hang out we kissed/made out at the end of our date, which was nice. So when we planned our third hangout/date I was actually nervous because I like him and didn't want him to think I was just looking for a hook up/sex (I was also nervous about the 3rd date rule and him not calling me after). He cooked me dinner at his place and we watched a movie, he gave me an awesome back rub, and all we did was make out, he never took it any farther. When he was walking me to my car, he dropped the bomb! He told me that he has genital herpes! it was a total shocker, he said he wanted to tell me because he said he's starting to like me and thinks I should know.He seemed like the total package! Tall, young, attractive, sweet, very successful, nerdy (like me), super nice and positive, he said he isn't a man-whore (which I like in a guy). So I was wondering how is this guy single!? NOW I know why...I admire his bravery and honesty by telling me about his virus but I'm completely confused on how to proceed with this new possible relationship that I was not expecting would happen so soon! I actually like him we get along he seems like a really good guy but he has herpes... I don't know if I should continue to spend time with him. I just got of a serious relationship (which I let him know briefly about, he even said "so am I a rebound?")! I don't know if I can invest any more feelings into him and possibly risk my health in the future knowing about his condition. Like now that I know, I won't have sex with him unless I loved him and we were in a serious relationship, I just don't what to do. I don't want to be mean and hurt his feelings.. I can't even imagine trying to date and having herpes! I already know if I were to get it I would be so depressed because I'm a huge pessimist/negative person...Before he told me, during our 3rd date, he invited me to a baseball game which I agreed to. I haven't bailed out yet because it would be obvious why... I need advice! This situation is too heavy for me right now!
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broke up, depressed, herpes Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): From http://www.patient.co.uk/health/genital-herpes"How do you get genital herpes?Genital herpes is usually passed on by skin-to-skin contact with someone who is already infected with the virus. The moist skin that lines the mouth, genitals and anus is the most susceptible to infection. This means that the virus is most commonly passed on by having vaginal, anal or oral (mouth-to-genitals) sex, or just close genital contact with an infected person. For example, if you have a cold sore around your mouth, by having oral sex, you may pass on the virus that causes genital herpes.Herpes simplex virus can also enter through a cut or break in the ordinary skin on other parts of the body: fingers/hands, knees, etc, if they are in contact with another person's infected area. We call it a whitlow when it's on the fingers."So if he'd just been touching himself and has sores, and he then fingered you then yes, in theory, he could pass on HSV to you that way. I think it's pretty unlikely but not impossible. I doubt he has sores however because he takes prophylactic medication.If you carrying on seeing this not-very sensitive and non-exclusive guy who was a bit rude and who can't be bothered to text you the next day, let alone phone you, I'd advise: no rubbing against each other unless your have at least underwear on (no naked grinding), no unprotected sex (oral or vaginal), and if he has an outbreak, no touching him down there even if he's got a condom on. Good luck. I think you're best off forgetting about this guy to be honest, but at least you've learned a little about STDs. Oh another thing: a woman recently posted that she'd caught an STD from her ex boyfriend via oral sex, so using protection during oral sex (dams and condoms) is as important as during penetrative sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate: the date went well, he got us suite tickets! free drinks and food during the whole game. I learned that he doesn't see us as exclusive and he can come across off as insensitive, I'm not sure if he notices... anyway I waited till we were on our way back to his place to ask him all the questions about his herpes and I also told him about my situation, being fresh out of a break up/inexperienced. I also told him that at first I viewed him as a possible hook up but started liking him. He answered everything honestly and didn't seem bothered by what I told him. I went inside with him and we watched a movie in the living room. Of course we started making out soon and things hot and heavy! Like maybe too much... :/ we made out a lot, rubbing against each other, he fingered me, I touched him down there, but we had to stop because his roommates came home. He walked me to my car, seeming disappointed that we had to stop fooling around. we were talking about us seeing each other, and he said something like "well if it doesn't work out at least you got a cool souvenir out of it!" (at the game, we got free gear) I thought that was a bit rude because I had just told him I liked him.. today I texted him in the morning being nice whatever and I barely get a few replies out of him, then he stopped all together.. I'm not sure how to go about this right now...Anyway can I get herpes by being fingered by him? I don't think so right..? Any viewpoints on my situation would help me out greatly..
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): Thanks for your feedback.
You say you imagine he gets rejected a lot because of having herpes. Well, that isn't my experience at all. I choose my partners carefully (the more so after contracting herpes!) and make sure I inform them about herpes - my personal experience and the facts - before anything sexual happens, and no one has dumped me for having herpes. Maybe him telling you right at the end of a date wasn't the best timing as you don't seem to have had to have had time to ask him questions.
Yes it sucks having herpes, it's no fun, it doesn't go away but you know what .... I have it and it has absolutely no effect on my day to day life or my relationships. I know it could get complicated if I get pregnant and may have to have a Caesarian to avoid transmitting it to the baby, but pregnancy is such a remote possibility for me that I no longer think about it. Plus it was such a long time since I was diagnosed or had any symptoms, I'm not up to date on facts like risks of transmission to baby during labour.
I simply don't date ignorant jerks like the guy who wrote about "harpies"; that said (because I'm not calling you ignorant!), if someone did decide not to date me because of this viral infection, or my "sexual baggage", I would understand and respect their decision.
So don't feel too sorry for him, he's a grown up who will understand if you don't want to take things further. He knows he is not a leper and that if you decide not to take the risk, he'll likely find another woman to date who likes him enough to take a chance.
Good luck and I look forward to hearing how it goes when you see him again.
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male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (25 April 2014):
 If you love someone, you can and I've friends who do, because of other STD's have a life without a sex life. There are lots of things to do without having penetrative sex.Have you seen any test results to confirm herpes? I know it sounds stupid, but if a person wasn't really into another person, they could in theory make up anything they wanted and say they had it. (not the nicest thing to do or the smartest).I've heard of a woman who said she had vaginal warts, to get out of sleeping with her partner. (sad but true).But then again there are people who aren't that nice or that smart not to use it as an excuse to break up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@cindycares: I think you are right about "she WANTS to like him because on paper he sounded perfect ( before the herpes news )." He's the total package but is tainted; I know that sounds awful, it makes me sad that I'm judging him :( Herpes is a life sentence, I've read love doesn't last forever, herpes does...@So_Very_Confused: I've also had the LEEP done once and it hasn't come back yet... I know I'll need to have lube that works well with condoms, I wasn't sure if they're compatible. And I think the ONLY reason I don't want to sleep him is the possibility of catching it and us not working out, thus leaving me feeling like damaged goods. So if I proceed it'll be extremely slow -__-'@reader, anonymous: I'm pretty sure he has HSV-2. Those are good questions to ask, I'll make sure to ask them when I see him later tonight. I now see that I did take the wrong approach after my break up :/ should've never met anyone up for anything other than a rebound. BUT now that this has happened I WONT be hooking up with randoms anytime soon haha... if/when I do end it I'll "Acknowledge that the timing is wrong and you're not ready to date in any serious way."@MALE reader, anonymous: I think your answer is honestly brutal. I'd prefer "someone with less sexual baggage" but I can't tell him that to his face if I end things...@female reader, anonymous: I did tell him I have HPV, the cancer causing strain... I don't have warts. I think HPV affects females more anyway right? Before this situation I would've said this is a deal breaker but now I'm conflicted in being true to my thoughts and being a caring/open minded person... I imagine he gets rejected a lot, it must be awful to be turned away from love because of something you never wanted in the first place... it's very unfortunate and depressing. it bums me out and I don't even have it! Anyways I'll provide another update after our hangout tonight, I'll make sure to ask him questions and let him know my thoughts. He may agree that we shouldn't see each other considering I just got out of a relationship and I'm not ready to handle such a heavy burden...
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): Male anon, having herpes (not harpies!) isn't a lifetime of misery. The guy isn't a leper. Yes it's incurable but it's not life threatening. The worst thing about having it is the attitude of uninformed people like you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): You have HPV, something you should tell him, and something you should use condoms for to try and prevent spreading. HPV and herpes are similar in that they're viruses and noncurable, though not unmanageable. Of course you don't want to contract herpes, nor does he want to contract HPV. Continued communication is key, and I think that you should take things extremely slow since you did just get out of a relationship. Especially if he's taking medication for it, and I would recommend he be on a daily regimen, not just during outbreaks, your risk is low if you use condoms. I suppose you should figure out if this is a total deal breaker; if this were a guy you were totally into & perhaps at a better time than so close after a breakup, would it matter so much? He gets MAJOR points for telling you up front.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): He's a decent guy for telling you early on. I think you should also come clean about how recent your breakup was, and that you were just dating to distract yourself from the pain of the breakup. I contracted HSV-1 in the genital area from a guy who didn't know he was infected. I had one outbreak, that was several years ago (about 8 years) and I never had another outbreak. Since then I had two long term boyfriends and a shorter relationship that didn't work out. I told all 3 men that I had HSV, gave them all the facts including that I was otherwise 'clean' and on birth control, and all 3 preferred sex without condoms (they were also 'clean'). None contracted HSV from me as far as I'm aware. I know I'm just one person who is lucky to have only had one outbreak and not passed it on, but I'm just telling you my story because at the moment you have the worst case scenario going on in your head. Would you date a guy who has cold sores (also HSV-1)? Would you let him kiss your mouth or go down on you between outbreaks? The prevalence of HSV-1 in the USA is 60-70%. Most adults have herpes! If you want to keep on seeing him then talk to him, ask him if it's HSV-1 or HSV-2 because the latter is more active in the genital area (more frequent outbreaks). As him how often his outbreaks are, how long they last for. You say you couldn't have sex with him unless you loved him and were in a serious relationship with him, fair enough, but are you in the position to fall in love and be in a serious relationship anyway, so soon after the previous one failed?My overall feeling about your particular situation is that all this is too much for you and it's not just the herpes putting you off or holding you back. I think you took the wrong approach after the breakup. A period of being single and doing a post mortem of what went wrong is healthier than distracting yourself with dating, essentially using men to make you feel better. I don't think you're ready for dating. Reward this guys honesty by telling him honestly that it's too much for you, but please don't blame it all on the herpes. Acknowledge that the timing is wrong and you're not ready to date in any serious way.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 April 2014):
 Cindy, points well taken.. remind me to drink two cups of coffee before answering next time...
OP, I Have had "cells consistent with HPV" twice and have had two LEEP procedures to remove abnormal cells... no problems since then..
I think he sounds honest and responsible... and I will advise you that GOOD silicone based lube is a girls best friend. even without BCP as we age we dry... You can get a nice silcone based lube by KY at Walmart.. it's called "silk" or something like that and it's a bit more expensive than water based lubes but it's not sticky and it lasts longer... just make sure it's safe for use with condoms.
in addition, it's POSSIBLE that if he's on meds and is not having a breakout you could go condom free (if you guys get very serious and you do the whole blood work paperwork exchange)....
it's possible to make it work. but don't force it... if the ONLY reason you don't want to date him is the herpes, then I think that's not a good reason to end it...
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 April 2014):
 But I don't think that we actually disagree, SVC.
I did not mean " guy with herpes, avoid him like the plague , always ". I meant, it depends- it's a risk worth taking if you really like the guy, think he 's special, there's potential etc. Maybe I'm wrong, I get the feeling the OP is interested...somewhat. Perhaps because she is fresh from breaking up,( early this month ! ) , there's somewhat of a rebound in this, at least there's a willing, conscious attempt to move on and distract herself by checking out the dating market- which is not wrong , of course, it may be a smart move, in fact - but, it's different from, if she had met the guy by chance and had just been overwhelmed by his looks and personality. To me it sounds more like , she WANTS to like him because on paper he sounded perfect ( before the herpes news ). I am not sure- just a feeling.
The other factor, is the way SHE would react. Of course, herpes is not a death sentence, and even of you get it it's not like catching leprosy , it's a bother, not a crippling disease. But, while some people can say " I got herpes ,oh bother. Well, s..t happens ", some people would take it much harder and the OP says she 's one of them.
So- considering these two things, I think she needs to be particularly prudent in her evalatuation of what she wants to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok i forgot to add that he said he got it from an ex girlfriend who didn't know she had it! He tried to explain it to me as best as he could, saying "it's not like HIV/AIDS, I have a normal penis, I take medication to control it, we could be together and use condoms and you could never get it, etc." Thing is I hate condoms. I take birth control pills, and one side effect is that I'm dry down there so sex with a condom feels like rubber rubbing against my skin making it feel raw.. its painful and uncomfortable :/Also I have HPV, (the strain that can cause cancer; currently I have no abnormal cells) I don't know how us being together would affect our health...? Thanks for the advice so far! Any more would be greatly appreciated! :)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 April 2014):
well I love CindyCares and rarely disagree with her but in this case I'm going to say "don't throw the baby out with the bathwater"
I would see him. I would NOT be sexual with him just yet (necking is fine) but I would consider having some more conversations about his herpes. such as... is it controlled... how often does he have outbreaks.. does he know how he got it.
he actually sounds like an awesome guy. Perfect that he told you now.. because he really likes you...
Herpes for me would not be a deal breaker.
My brother has Hep C. and has for over 25 years
His husband is HIV positive and has been for over 25 years
they haev been together ten years (married 3) and NEITHER on of them has shared their respective STD with the other. (btw my brother got HEP-C from borrowing someone's razor it was not really an STD in his case)....
Herpes is NOT a death sentence and you do not have to compromise your health to be with someone who has herpes.
it sounds like he is very responsible about it. this is a good sign.
talk talk talk.. that's what I recommend... it had to be so hard for him to tell you... he probably got it from someoen who DID NOT TELL HIM... kudos to him.
I'd give him a chance... speak with your GYN to discuss what they recommend for dealing with it.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 April 2014):
It's hard to answer you.
Genital herpes is very infective. Condoms would protect you only if the skin lesions / vescicles are only located in an area covered by the condom, and there's none in his anal area, inner thighs ,etc. You should always use condoms and completely lay off any sexual contact ,including oral, during outbreaks - and even so there's no total guarantee that you would never get infected, and it does trow a big monkey wrench into your sexual life , if his outbreaks recur frequently, every few weeks ( which is not always the case. Some people have infrequent outbreaks, at years of distance from the previous one ).
I guess it depends how much really you like the guy and how much he's worth the risk in your eyes. Using precautions, and self discipline, minimizes the risk, but there is an element of risk.
I don't know- it will sound heartless, but if I weren't totally bowled over , totally smitten, in your shoes probably I'd pass. Tall and sweet and nerdy etc. is very nice, but STDs free is a bigger bonus in my eyes.
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