A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I’ve got a question. I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks. He’s been out of an 11 year relationship. I have been dating him only three days after his break up. He hasn’t told his ex girlfriend about me. She has called while we are together but he won’t answer her calls with me there. She still has belongings at his place. They lived together. He is going to help her move into her new home in the coming weeks. They bought tickets to an event in August and he is still going with her even though they’ve broken up. They have had an on-again, off-again relationship where they’ve broken up numerous times and kept getting back together. He was the one who kept leaving her but kept going back. The question is why is he hiding me from her if he threw her and her son out of his place? He is no longer with her so why is he not being honest with her? She still calls him to talk. Would this be concerning to you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2024): I wouldn't hold out too much hope when it's an on off relationship. Today it's off, tomorrow it could be back on. Three days is such a short tome compared to eleven years. My advice is to date others as there's no commitment to you and it's so recent.b
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2024): In eleven years you can get ingrained into one another.
The other person can become so familiar that you know them inside out.
You see the good bits and the bad bits.
Then knowing someone for a few days or weeks is nothing at all.
You can enjoy the excitement of the unknown and it can be good for a damaged ego.
But it doesn't mean it will last.
So he wont tell her about you and if you think about it carefully you will see that there is no reason for him to ever mention you to her.
Very probably he's always had a bit on the side. A little escape hatch into a secret life that he never talks about.
And these people vary year after year.
But his primary connection is a lasting connection and even if he says goodbye he will keep her in his esteem for some time to come.
You are replaceable but she is not.If you keep trying to make yourself known to her through him, or any other way, he will drop you immediately because you didn't know your place and thought yourself more important than you were.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (3 June 2024):
 You are old enough to know that dating someone so soon after a break up is never a good idea, and he should not have started anything new with someone so soon.
Of course he hasen't told his ex about you why would he. In the past he was always the one to go running back to his with his tail between his legs, and to be honest I think this is always going to be the case leaving you frustrated, bewildered and upset.
I honestly can't see anything getting better anytime soon with this situation, its all still very raw. I wonder if she is someone who will always be in his life and he will always go back to leaving you out dangling and out in the cold.
My honest advice would be to wish him well and walk away, or even just walk away. I think if you walk away now you will be saving yourself from lost of future heartache.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (2 June 2024):
 Their relationship is not over.
11 years will take a long time to fully untangle so your going to have to be patient.
If their one of those relationships then they are happy to finally be apart. But again it will take time.
So the only answer is: Is it worth the wait?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (2 June 2024):
 Why would someone of your age start dating someone three days after they had ended an 11 year on/off relationship? Does that not sound like insanity to you, especially with a child involved? Were you that desperate to jump in before anyone else?
The fact he is not telling his ex about you would not bother me anywhere near as much as the fact that he appears incapable of functioning without a woman in his life. I certainly wouldn't take it as a compliment that he started dating me 3 days after breaking up with his ex.
Open your eyes and wake up. Is this all you think you are worth?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2024): He's trying you out and filling his time.
He's been with someone for 11 years and 3 days after is "in another relationship"? I don't think so. I don't think he believed that this was a real break up.
They're used to turmoil and their relationship IS breaking up and making up. You're just a "filler".
Some people just can't be alone. This doesn't mean that you're not likable or attractive, "relationship material"... it just means that he can't handle being on his own.
If you're really over 40, I'm worried about your overall life experience and overall understanding of human nature. Google "rebound". It's healthy for a person who's just broken up, not so much for the ne "partner".
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 June 2024):
 "Would this be concerning to you?"
yes and no.
I think starting to days a mere 3 days after a breakup is WAY too soon.
He still is VERY intertwined in her life. They still have plans with each other in the future. I'd be worried that you are just a temporary rebound, and they will be "on-again" soon enough. As it seems to be their pattern.
As for why he is "hiding you" - I don't think he is. He is just unsure of how much of a future there is with you yet, OR he doesn't want to start drama with the ex,
If you had been dating for 6 months and still not told her, I'd be more concerned.
Overall, I'd say watch out - this may NOT become a long and healthy relationship and guess what? YOU will be the one hurt when he chooses to take her back.
If you are all in your 40's-50-s this is even more complicated.
He's been with her for 11 years, he got to have some kind of bond with her son. And her.
I know everyone has a past, but it sounds like a huge walking red flag to start dating 3 days after a breakup.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2024): Why is this even a question?
You know the answer already: you're his bit on the side!
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