| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi i have a bit of a complicated storywe are a asian background and very culturally infused. Long story short, my sister is a 12 year gap (she is older), i look up to her as a sister and mom most of the time. I would give ANYTHING for her. she had a very rough divorce from a very successful man (as she is successful herself) many moons ago and left the house lived on her own in her late 30s. i was still at home taking care of my elderly parents. she was and in general has been very responsible my entire life. money, education etc. She is the CEO of a company and makes a good amount of money. Anyway...fast forward she began to come over like she usually would on her days off but one day (i normally never go) i decided to go out and i noticed she stepped away when this one person called, lets call him tony. So tony and she were talking and i asked is he your boyfriend? and she said yes, he is married, divorced his wife or me and has 4 kids. something in my bones did not feel right. My biggest regret in this is sometimes im too smart for my own good. I figured it out within seconds and i saw her seldom bc im always working. You know that feeling you get? when something is wrong? Yup, i had that take over my body. I suddenly had a flashback that i recall her bank balance being significantly low several months before and when asking her she was defensive.I asked her did you lose your job? move banks? buy a house? did you give him $? all answers were NO fuck off.because she is older than me and we respect our boundaries for elder i said ok i wont bother. I found out they got divorced bc of my sister having an affair with the guy. his now ex wife is the same profession as me too, it didnt dawn on my sister that this could happen to my little baby sister, that was literally a sign from god????? they hav ebeen together since 2018 while his wife was pregnant!!!! she has not met his kids and called the police on his wife who tried tot warn my sister that she is one of MANY girls tht he cheated with. God knows why his ex wife even stayed with him if she knew he was cheating, but i understand the pressure of kids etc.His now ex wife told me she noticed new furniture in the home and new clothes for her children (like my sister is likely paying for this and he is using her). She is very gullible and love struck and blind.I warned her that i did my research on this guy as a protective sister and have heard not such great things and i discovered my sister has become submissive to him. His ex wife even confirmed this by saying she does everything for him. My sister now does not talk to anyone in my famly including me. it is heart breaking to say th least because this is very out of character for her. and after my parents, i only have her as my living relative (no cousins etc). I am in my early 40s and i have the burden of taking care of my parents. i suspect the exwife is also in on her spending the $$ for new things for her kids and letting the kids thinkthe dad buys stuff for them. I told my sister just how he left his ex for u, hell leave you for the next and wipe you clean, she said SO WHAT its my choice - I get this i really do, but someone who had high morals and would never break up a family completely pulled a 180. I am devastated.When i talk to my husband abot it he says shell learn her lesson and fall flaton her face, but as a sibling i want to protect her too. I dont agree with this behavior, karma is real and seeing my parents cry while they sleep is breaking my heart. now i have nightmares where i talk to her and advise her in my dream and she fights wth me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2024): If you are so smart how come you assume this guy is a scammer and you assume it was wise to tell her. This went wrong, so perhaps you are not as wise as you think you are and your sister is right to ignore you and be angry with you?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2024): You describe your sister in two different ways as if she is two different people... here is the first... she has been very responsible my entire life. money, education etc. She is the CEO of a company and makes a good amount of money. But then you describe her as if she is a young, immature, silly, stupid child. She cannot be both.
People learn by their own mistakes, I am sure you have made many yourself. If she is being scammed - and you have no proof of it - then she will learn as she pays up here and there. It is a good way to learn. It is only by paying the price that goes with it that someone learns not to do it again. Very often people get scammed with romance scams and they think they can ask the police or a court to get their money back, if it were that easy everyone would be paying iffy lovers money and hoping it is safe and then running to the police or a court for reimbursement after, and courts would have waiting lists of ten years and not enough money to cover it all. Where the person who is being conned realises it comes out of their own money and they do not run to others to help when it goes wrong they think twice about it. So dont let it come to her asking you for money IF it goes wrong. She would never learn that way.
But I wonder if you are right, you say this guy is a scammer but there is nothing concrete to base it on. Remember that most relationships go wrong, even if both people care about each other and are honest with each other.
I made a lot of money and met a lot of guys who were just after a nice house to live in, my savings and investments and an easy life. But the thing is you decide to find out about the guy first before you date him. If he is unemployed or in a crappy job I would never date him in the first place. So why would your sister, who is reasonably successful, date a guy who is a waste of space? It is all very well saying she fell in love, but an intelligent person who has money and a good income would never date a loser, let alone fall in love with them. They would not have enough in common and they would not be their type. If the first date does not happen then the falling ln love and problems don't happen either. I am now married to a wonderful man, but it took me years to find such a man and it would have been more sensible to stay single than to settle for one of the others. But I did not need advice, because if you are smart enough to get a good job or earn a lot you should also be sensible enough to know who to date and who not to date. Perhaps your sister is sensible enough, perhaps not, but I doubt that you would know. Being her sister you would have a biased opinion of all this.
Look at her previous partners and how well they were chosen to work it out and ask yourself why the previous partner did not last.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2024): I do feel for you and your parents. Of course you only want the best for her. But she has said very clearly that it's her choice. It's very difficult to think sensibly when we're in love. You've done all you can to help her so now is the time to back off. Difficult but she's not ready to hear it. Best to stay out of it now, but be there for her if she needs you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (2 June 2024):
 While I completely understand your worry about your sister and your instinct to protect her, you cannot force her to see this man for what he is.
Wading in and telling her what's what has obviously backfired completely. My advice, therefore, would be to change your approach completely. The harder you fight her over this, the more determined she will be to stay with him because she will not want to see you proved right in your assessment of him. Try to men bridges with her. Tell her you're sorry for what you said, that you completely understand she is old enough to make her own decisions, BUT that you do not want to fight with her over this and want to stay close to her. Then force yourself never to say anything bad about him again to her, regardless of what is happening. Being supportive will make it much easier for her to admit she made a mistake and to pull away from him, as she will have you there for her. If you are against her, she will have nobody except him and will cling to him much longer for that reason.
I know it is awful watching someone you love being taken advantage of, but you need to support your sister, regardless of whether you agree with her choice. She will eventually realise he is no good for her and then you will need to be there for her, to help pick up the pieces.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (2 June 2024):
 Your sister is going to do what she's going to do. You cant stop her.
All you can do is pick her up when she falls and help her make better decisions in the future.
It will be fine. Shes lucky to have a sister who loves her like you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (2 June 2024):
Testing
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