A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have an incredible new boyfriend I really like, but he has trouble getting and keeping an erection, and the reason is.....my weight. We are incredibly drawn to each other on so many levels- intellectually, emotionally, etc. He says he finds my face to be incredibly beautiful. The first time we tried (a few days ago), he could hardly get it up, and it only stayed erect for maybe like 10 seconds of penetration. He felt SO bad- I didn't know what the reason was at the time, but he BEGGED me to please stick around and not leave him over it, that we would figure out a solution. I haven't seen him since, but only because of schedules and children. We're seeing each other again Friday night.So the next day we talked about it, and he finally admitted that he just is not physically attracted to women that are overweight. He wishes he could change it....The thing is, I've lost like 80 pounds over the past few years, but I still have 40-50 more to lose and have been sort of plateaued. Right before I met him though I changed my diet yet again and made it about 60-70% raw produce, with a small amount of raw seeds, nuts, and like 1 serving a day each of cooked grains and animal protein. I've lost about 7 pounds, but it is dreadfully slow. So when we were talking, he was like "I am not going anywhere, I feel incredibly bonded to you and I want you." He wants to work on it together and get healthier himself. He is 45 years old and probably needs to lose about 25-30 pounds, so it's not like he's saying he's Mr. Incredible and I'm the only one who needs to change.But it's A LOT of unspoken pressure. I'm afraid that the next time we make out that that's all I'm going to be thinking about, and feeling like a failure if he doesn't get an erection. I don't even want to try, to be honest. I'm going to feel so fat, and I am afraid I will cry. I probably will. And I'm afraid that losing weight won't even be enough....I'm never going to be 25 again, and I have loose skin from pregnancy. So do I have to have surgery to be attractive? He says he loves my crooked lips, my big soulful blue eyes, etc.- He thinks I'm beautiful in every other way, until I get naked.I feel like dirt. Like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love talking to him, can talk for hours and hours. The kissing is amazingly passionate. But how can I handle this and what if I don't get the body I need to keep him sexually happy?PLEASE HELP!!!!
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erection, kissing, overweight Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2016): I my self have never been attracted to overweight women, yet now am hopelessly in love with a woman who is, sorry, not just overweight, but by most, would be considered "fat".
I love this woman. She is a pretty girl, and have an amazing and wonderful personality, etc. We just fell in love, but for the life of me, I can't get hard for her because fat is a HUGE turnoff for me.
Our solution was to watch porn together
A
male
reader, HonestAbe +, writes (6 January 2016):
What could have been an honest dialogue about what to do here has eroded into basically a pity party and blaming the guy. I came searching for this same topic because I was in the same boat, and might in the same boat again and I don't know what to do.I know a girl who I just knew I would marry. She sorta got cold feet and left me and I was devastated. Could not get through a full day without literally weeping at some point for the first month. She was the love of my life, like one I've never known before and probably ever again.Her face, her personality, everything about her was perfect, I knew she was my soulmate. But in bed, she just wasn't enough of my body type for me to stay hard. The anguish that followed described by Mikernet is exactly what came next. It was brutal.I have no ED, never have, and have been with others since and had no problem. It is not a medical issue. It is just my subconscious is a too-visually demanding entity.At least he had the nerve to tell you. You have a chance to try to change things. I could never have the heart to say anything, and so I know nothing on that front will change, and I fear what I am getting into will end up being a repeat.But I would risk the agony and heartbreak again, for a chance to spend my life with this woman... she completed me so much her love and time and companionship was far more important to me than the sex...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): Keeping an erection isnt the most important thing in the world. If u guys truly love each other stay the way u are if u want to lose weight don't stress over it. Go out with ur couple every afternoon and walk or jog a round town.hope this helped
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A
male
reader, Mikernet  +, writes (11 June 2013):
People here are making bad assumptions. He *might* be a jerk who is making her feel crappy because of his ED, but based on the way she talks about him it doesn't sound like that.I can tell you that some men are just really turned off by fat. I fall into that category. I'm not an asshole, it's not my fault...if I could flip a switch that said "let all women be attractive to me" I gladly would, but any sign of overweightness just completely turns me off and there is nothing I can do about it. Even with other great qualities and features (ie. gorgeous face, wonderful personality), some men are just "body" guys and their main turn on is a particular type of body. Some men like thick, others skinny.His story is probably similar to something I went through. You meet a girl, she is super nice. Her face is super cute, and after repeated interactions you find yourself strangely attracted to her even though you know she isn't your body type. All is well until the clothes come off, and then the erection just sadly doesn't last. The visuals simply fail to stimulate and you find yourself trying just to maintain an erection while going through the motions.Next time you try, all you are thinking about is how you couldn't maintain an erection last time so you are even more focused and stressed about that and it just doesn't work.I have no real advice here for OP. Some men just have "dealbreakers" in the sack that they can't fool their penis into liking. *Shrug*. That doesn't mean you aren't beautiful and other men won't be totally into you. Don't let this lower your self esteem - some men hate skinny chicks and think they are gross too. There's someone for everyone.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (23 June 2012):
 When a guy has ED the woman is always the one who feels unattractive and undesirable...regardless of what is said or who or what the guy blames "his" issue on. Our self esteem plummets because we can't get our heads around the fact the ED is a medical condition.
For your boyfriend to blame your weight makes your self esteem even more fragile. Really gotta wonder why a guy would do that to someone he loves. Is he trying to plummet your self esteem so you WILL stay and he can have the relationship he wants (non-sexual) and you will be at his side with his control.
You are sexually attractive and congrats on the weight loss. When you loose 20, 30 or 40 more pounds, he will still have ED and he will find some other thing "wrong" with you in order to blame it on you.
If you decide to stay with him, insist that he go to a doctor and deal with his problem and tell him he was a cow to blame HIS problem on you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): "he has trouble getting and keeping an erection, and the reason is.....my weight."
This is not correct.
More is an issue than your weight, a lot more.
Ask him if he was abused by his mother, his parents of either sex, sexually abused, or has some other trauma in his past.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU AND IS NOT ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 June 2012):
 You lost 80 lbs already? THAT is AMAZING! Keep doing what feels RIGHT for you. Don't let his limp dick (maybe a little harsh here lol) DICTATE your weight loss or your body.
Saying that it is YOUR fault he can't get the cannon up is easier then to admit that he might have ED. That HE is getting up there in age and can't "do it ALL night long" anymore.
Honey, DO NOT let him make YOU feel bad, you have come so far already. Don't let him drag you down.
I think you could be 90 lbs and he still wouldn't be able to maintain an erection. It is NOT you.
I would considering cutting my loses with this one. He is doing NOTHING for you. Other then make you feel like crap.
**hugs**
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A
female
reader, 057  +, writes (22 June 2012):
Its not your fault. Its his & hes taking it out on you. Ive actually never been sexually attracted to my boyfriends body. Hes very tall, lanky & skinny. I prefer men with a bit of meat. So I never see him with his shirt off & want to jump his bones. But he has the most amazing eyes & personality. Its the personality that makes me want him. We've often discussed what "sexy" really means, and always end up on the same conclusion - its an attitude. If you have confidence & a nice personality it works!
I also truely believe its much easier for a bigger woman to be sexy than it is for a skinny woman (the bags of bones we always see on tv, magazines etc. Just because they have minimal clothing doesnt make it sexy.) So maybe you can also try & change your perception on sexiness being available at any size. Google some "bigger" celebrities & see how some women can pull it off. Study it a bit & apply it to yourself so you can maybe feel a bit better after your boyfriend has made you feel so horrible about yourself. Because feeling insecure certainly isnt attractive.
The only time I condone weightloss is when its for ones health. Other than that, its a cruel world we live in that pressures everyone to be miniscule. But miniscule isnt sexy. Now this advice is coming from a girl whos a size 6-8. Im tall & lanky too but Ive forever wished I could put some more meat on, be curvier, be fuller, more womanly shaped. Cuz thats what I believe to be sexy!
Its horrible hes put this on you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (22 June 2012):
 Cheer up honeypie, the aunts are right. There is no reason not to suspect that this man has a broken penis. You will probably lose the weight and he'll still be unable to perform. This is his problem not yours.
But he sounds truthful (in a certain kind of way), you are a beautiful woman (in his eyes) with beautiful eyes, a cute face, and a mind and a heart that would put any woman to shame.. Perhaps he's one of them strange kind of men, who are old and overweight, but think that they should be with a skinny anorexic 20 year old. His loss not yours. It's not your weight, he's got problems and issues with himself that he's too frightened to explore and admit.
In my culture, larger ladies are very sexy and seem to get all the men. So please don't feel ugly, your doing well by just being you. Continue with your plans to get healthier. As to the sex thing, you can't continue to get romantic with a man who makes you feel bad about yourself. Until your feeling more self confident, or he fixes himself, I suggest you put him back on the shelf marked "only friends".
It's not you, it's not the weight, anyway you examine it, the problem is him, him, him. He aint no saint, he wouldn't be with you if he didn't find you sexy at all.
*Hugs*......
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): You can't control who you find sexually attractive or unattractive, it's an innate reaction. If he just finds overweight women physically unattractive, that's just his natural instinctive reaction he cannot change it. CANNOT. He can't willfully force himself to find you physically attractive, if he doesn't.My hb gained 90 lbs after marriage. I lost my sexual attraction to him. I felt SO guilty and bad and tried to force myself to find him attractive but I just couldn't I can't. He has lost about 30 poinds since, but it's still not enough because he is still very very overweight. If I was only meeting him now, I would not consider us compatible to even try a relationship. Unfortunately his weight gain happened AFTER I made the marriage vows. As terrible and low in self esteem as he feels about this, I can't lie to him and pretend or fake sexual arousal that I'm just not feeling - I can't make my body pretend it's aroused when it's not. I have tried, I can't.I would say, don't blame your bf. What if the tables were turned. What if he gained a ton of weight - let's say much more overweight than you were, let's say he ballooned so much he looked like Jabba the Hut. Let's say he became so overweight you coudln't distinguish his limbs from his head. Can you honestly say you would still feel sexually attracted to him? Honestly. Not just affectionate and loving, but actually get your juices flowing if you know what I mean. I doubt you would. Don't feel bad about yourself either. You have done a great job already losing so much weight. If you could lost this much, you can continue to lose more. he cannot force himself to get sexually aroused by overweight-ness, so making your relationship a sexual one is actually more within YOUR control to accomplish than his. And unfortunatley that's just what you will have to do if you want your relationship with him to be a sexual one.You can love other people as friends, without any sexual attraction. Your relationship, if he doesn't get a sexual arousal feeling from you, can still be loving in a platonic way (like how the relationship between me and my hb now is), but it will not be a sexual one, that's all. But then you must decide if you're willing to have a relationship that's loving in every way but is just not sexual. I made that choice since I took vows to stay married and I do love my hb for his personality, just that I find him sexually a turn off now. I gave him the option to divorce so he can find someone who will be physically attracted to him, but he said no. I don't know how much longer we can live like this because I long to be able to have a sexual relationship again, but for now we are.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): I have read your post dear OP and some of the comments. I think you and your bf have two distinct an unrelated problems. First you are overweight and that is not becoming in either men or women. you have lost a lot of it and you are trying your best to lose more. that is commendable. losing weight is not easy and it needs alot of determination and preseverance.In my opinion to lose weight one has to adopt a whole new way of life. first you have to regulate your food intake. that is to say you have to eat less but eat everything. meat,poultry,bread, vegtible,fruits, sweets,everything.do not deprive yourself of any food but eat in small quntities.also make it a rule to stop eating atleast 3 hours b4 bedtime.drink a lot of water even when not thirsty.every time you crave for food drink a glass of water.that is the best way to quash hunger panks. Take up a hobby to fill your spare times such as learning a musical instrument or take up a sport. also go for walks and window shop.remember clothes suit thin persons much more than fat persons, so always dress well. also remember all the time men are attracted to thin women much more than to a fat women. all this advice go for men also with the added advantage that the penis of a thin man look bigger and is bigger than that of a fat man and women love it big.as for the problem of your bf,in my opinion he is suffering from errectile dysfunction (ED). that is the scorch of a lot of men after the age of 40 unfortunately.I advice him to look for medical help b4 it is too late. he still has a lot of years to live and it would be such a lose to him to spend them w/o sex.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (22 June 2012):
 I don't believe that bullshit for a second. I'm obese and my boyfriend has no trouble keeping it up...because he doesn't have ED. Your boyfriend does. And he's blaming you for his ailment instead of admitting that he has a problem. I wouldn't stay with such a man for even a single day!
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A
female
reader, pared down +, writes (22 June 2012):
 I have had two relationships with GREAT guys who had erectile dysfunction and guess what? the only ones who feel worse about it than you do are them!!! but neither of them did a thing about it. wouldnt talk to a doc, wouldnt try anything. they had no point of reference that a normal guy gets it up and keeps it steady for at least a little bit. they found excuses excuses excuses and this guy is capitalizing on your love for him to BLAME you for what HE KNOWS to his marrow is his problem. now, if you grow tired of this why not get a external ?? and when your kissing him, have him do that. or a blow up doll in a size 5? or your hand for that matter? i can guarantee you that his erectile issue isnt your weight. Keep on the good work. To help curb my emotional eating doing veg and all protein is also fantastic.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 June 2012):
 I'm a day late and a dollar short... YouWish got it all! and FA and Tisha are right too...
Congrats on the weight loss and lifestyle change...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 June 2012):
 The other aunts have done a great job answering your question, I just have one I want you to ask him.
Why are you trying to make me feel bad for your ED?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 June 2012):
 So he suffers an erectile failure and his solution to this is to make you feel like Quasi Modo? What a pig.
#1 he is attracted to you.
#2 He is not 25 any more either.
#3 he needs to talk to a Dr. and not his buddies at the gym / work / bowling team.
The Dr. should check his blood sugars and his blood pressure and his testosterone levels. Most likely the Dr is going to recommend a ED medication like Viagra or Cialis or Levetra.
Then you both need to relax let the pressure off and spend some time having a sucessful experience.
He is feeling as unconfident right now as you are. The more he worries about it the worse the symptom will be because stress is a major factor. Right now he is so afraid of a repeat performance that he is willing to give up the whole relationship.
You can help him get his confidence back, but he needs to stop undermining yours.
FA
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 June 2012):
 First of all, you are *amazing*. Losing 80 pounds is fantastic, and you should be feeling proud of yourself instead of like dirt. My heart truly goes out to you because of this.
Here's something that might make you feel better. This guy isn't telling you the truth, and here's why I say that:
1. He is very adamant about wanting you to be there. Guys who are truly not attracted to women sexually don't frantically try to keep that woman with them.
2. He is not telling you the truth. He's blaming his ED on you because not being able to perform is such a massive blow to his ego and manhood that he can't bear to feel "at fault". This is extremely common and happens all the time.
3. His age. A lot of guys that age start feeling inadequate, because they don't sexually function like they did in their teens and 20's.
4. He is talking about getting healthy himself. This is an absolute dead giveaway. He needs to lose some pounds, and he knows deep down that it's *his* body that is failing him, not your appearance.
5. I would be willing to seriously bet that he's had this problem with more women then you. Why do you think he's BEGGING you to stay? This guy has a medical problem and is blaming it on you rather than face it and get help.
6. If he's been single for awhile, sometimes a guy gets too used to masturbation to be able to sustain an erection with women. If he hadn't been a jerk to blame this on you, I would have told you to suggest dropping masturbation for a few days before seeing you.
This guy really did you wrong by trashing your self-esteem because HIS is shot by his failing penis. Trust me, I'm 10,000% sure it's not your weight, or he wouldn't have attempted sex with you in the first place. I'm also that sure because he's begging you to stick around. If you were really a turn-off, he'd leave you and move on. Trust me. He would. He's hoping to keep you around until HE gets his health in order.
You should stand up for yourself. Tell him not to blame his ED on you, and that it's really a trash thing for him to do. ED is very fixable, and I know that he's been dealing with it and it's not just you, or he'd leave you and find someone who supposedly had this perfect magical body shape that will automatically make him not only rock hard, but able to last for 40 minutes, blah blah blah.
Truthfully, I'd drop His Royal Limpness and find a guy who loves you for you and doesn't have to face his sexual dysfunction by blaming you.
AND, keep up the good work! You *are* beautiful! Your weight loss journey has been incredible and should be appreciated!
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (21 June 2012):
 If he's as into you as you say he is, then the physical attraction would be there regardless of what you look like.
I don't think this has anything to do with your weight, there's something else going on. If he isn't attracted to women who are over weight, then why did he start dating you in the first place?
If there's chemistry between the two of you, and you connect on the level you say you do, then your weight would not even be a factor.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (21 June 2012):
 So how new is this boyfriend? What are his intentions with you? Is he in love with you? I am not sure how you can fall in love with someone you are not at least somewhat physically attracted to. I do not think it is your problem, I think it is his. I do not know what it is, but he either has some sort of medical issue or sexual hangup. Also, if he does not find himself attacted to women of your size, then why did he proceed romancing you? If he is not attracted than he should only date women that he is attracted to. I would not have sex with him again and see how things go otherwise. Telling a woman you are not attracted to her because of her weight is devastating. Women put a lot of pressure on themselves to look good and lose weight. You have lost a lot already and you do not want to be unhealthy. Please think this through before you proceed with this man. Do you want someone who puts this type of pressure on you? Do you want someone who doesn't like you for who and what you are?
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