A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,I am at the end of my tether with visitors in my house! I had a baby last year and since then I have never had any peace. I'm feeling overwhelmed by too many people always around here. I feel like my home isn't my own and I am running a drop in centre.Don't get me wrong, I am so happy me and hubby have friends that want to visit, but it is every day, several times a day people keep popping in and out. (It's mostly his friends btw)I also have a child of 8 and two stepchildren 9 and 12 that stay here half the time and they are all pretty good kids on the whole. I feel like all the visitors stop me from getting on with my household chores and looking after my husband and all the kids. I'm too busy trying to watch my guests and it's taking time away from my family life and what I want to do (which is not me being selfish, I mean cleaning my house and preparing meals for family!)I have tried to broach the subject with hubby but he just keeps getting mad at me when I try to talk to him. He will often start yelling 'why isn't this done, why isn't that done' and I will tell him it's because I have to sit and entertain your 'friends' all day long, sometimes they drop by in the evening too. Running around after them getting coffees and snacks etc. So every time I try to tell him I am overwhelmed with people he goes nuts. I suggested a compromise with him so that at weekends there are no visitors (that's when all the children are away, except for the baby but she is so good no bother anyway). I asked if at weekend people could be barred from the house so that I can catch up on my laundry and chores that I've missed while my 'friends' have been around through the week. I told him I have no problem if he wants to visit friends at their houses though, I just want a bit of peace and bloody quiet!I have never been one for having loads of people around me and hubby is much more social than I am. That's fair enough, we're all different, but I just personally need more quiet time.Anyway he went bonkers and shouted at me saying I was a 'b^^^h' etc. I don't think my request was unreasonable, I'm not stopping him going out, just want my house to feel more like a home and not a hotel!Just for more info I suffer from anxiety (on beta blockers) and too many people can trigger it off and make it worse. I've tried talking about all this with hubby but he just thinks I'm having a go at him and I'm not. I just need people not to be in my sodding house all the time! I can't relax.If anyone has been in this situation before please let me know how you resolved it. Also I would like info from men to tell me how to talk to hubby without sounding like I'm being a bitch.I love my husband and all the kids so much, but I feel like running away and getting my own place just for some peace and quiet! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everybody that responded to my question. You have given me food for thought
A
male
reader, hardnut  +, writes (7 March 2013):
let him run out of clean clothes. towels and dishes. when he ask why, tell him you are entertaing the guest. he will get the hint
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (6 March 2013):
 Hi
I don't think he will see your point of view,he likes his life as it is.He doesn't care what you want. It sounds more like the local doss house than your home.Do none of these people go to work?
It must cost a small fortune to feed and make drinks for them all. First,stop making drinks and snacks. When people show up,get the hoover out,strip the beds and load up the washer,carry on like they just aren't there.Make babies lunch.Then take baby *out* - for a walk,to the shops or park or to pick up the others from school.Let hubby run round after the visitors.
If you stop actually sitting with visitors, making them welcome, then they may possibly take the hint.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): I agree with the others who say you should stop letting them in. Just don't answer the door if need be. Your husband has no right to talk to you like that because you ask for a bit of piece and quiet. If he keeps having a go then I'd go on strike and stop doing all the chores. Tell him you didn't have time. At the moment you are struggling by so he is in effect getting things his way. Stop doing it and see if he changes his mind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): To h*ll with his friends. "Friends" don't drop by every single day. They are disrupting you and your household. They are mooching off of you and your hospitality.I would be handing them a mop and a broom and get them to work around your house. Make them mow the grass or shovel the snow. I'm being totally snarky but I would be bold enough to ask them to do the chores. Then watch them disappear.You HAVE to learn to say "NO." I finally had to with my in-laws. One day we went out to eat dinner, it was a surprise dinner for my birthday (an early birthday surprise) and the in-laws showed up. Granted it was nice of them to do this. Then after we got up to leave they asked if they could stay over the next night since they were passing through for a vacation. I caved at the time and said yes. It was late afternoon when we got back from the dinner. We had to attend a town meeting that ran late into the night. I was up to midnight cleaning, washing the bedding, etc. I was totally exhausted when they showed up the next morning. Then I had to entertain them that day. I did tell my husband though, I was not making meals. We went to the local restaurant twice that day. The heck with cooking and all that cleaning up. I refused to cook. When they left the next day, my birthday, I slept the whole day I was so tired. NEVER again I resolved would I let this happen. Later, they tried to pull this on me again and said they wanted to show up the next day and I was in the middle of a HUGE project. I work out of the home. I DON'T need to be dropping everything to get things in order to entertain friends or family members. I told my husband, NO. I said HE can go and see them. He told his mother it was not enough time to get our house in order. His mother protested saying her house was not in order either so it shouldn't make any difference. I was fuming. I did not need to get into a p*ssing contest with his mother.My husband finally told them that we need more than a days notice and also he did go and stayed overnight to see them. I stayed at home to work on my project. By my not coming to see them, they thought something was wrong with our marriage. They can be meddlesome. I HAD to get my project done and they couldn't understand that but I did not care nor do I care if I came across as a b*tch.You just have to put your foot down. I was a doormat and I have a lot of trouble saying no to people, but I will not have people just dropping in like that, especially if you have children and a BABY to care of let alone running a household.I get anxiety attacks too. I am not on any medication. Put they can take me down and I can be out of commission for hours until they pass.I wonder how your husband would feel if his friends all stopped in at his place of work everyday. In fact I would suggest to his friends that they do go and see him there.I would just flatout refuse to let them in. Say you are busy with your family and household duties and don't have time to entertain. Just keep saying no and eventually they will get the hint. If his friends complain to your husband and he throws a sh*tfit and calls you a b*tch again, then you have a problem with your husband to work out. Calling you names is a sign of verbal abuse. I wouldn't take that name calling from him at all. Does he lose his temper easily? Do you have to walk on eggshells around him and is that why these people have been allowed to come over to your home whenever they feel like it? Have you been afraid to say no because of your husband?If need be get this book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. I've been in that situation in the past and the book saved me.Just get a backbone and say NO to his friends. Let the chips fall where they may.If that causes a problem between you and your husband then you may need to seek marriage counseling to get this resolved.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 March 2013):
 Great hubby you've got there..... It "sounds" like he is operating an entertainment venue for his friends, and YOU are the poor sap who he's hired to do an impossible job... a job from which you get no reward or relief.... AND - just to drive the point home... YOU GET CRITICIZED for not getting the job done!!! (Lucky you!).
Follow SVC's advice, and INSIST that visiting be limited.... to certain hours, if necessary to get the point across.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 March 2013):
 "Oh I wish you had called before you came by, I've just shampooed the carpets. I'll be able to entertain visitors on Wednesday between 2 and 4. Thank you for stopping by, in the future it will be best that you call first, okay? Thanks, bye!"
"Oh I'm so sorry but it's not possible for me to have visitors right now, I'm in the middle of some serious chores. Please call first before dropping by! Thanks, you're so sweet!"
"It's too bad that it's not possible to entertain visitors today, I'm up to my eyeballs in baby stuff. Best to call next time, okay? Cheers!"
They can't visit if you don't let them in.
I would suggest you decide when you can have people in for tea or coffee and then make those hours completely clear.
You could nip this out of control visiting in the bud by calling the usual offenders first thing in the morning and tell them that you've set up visiting times as you have some major chores to accomplish.
Keep your coat by the door and put it on if someone rings the doorbell. "Oh I was just on my way out, we'll have to visit another time. Why don't I drop by your home for a change, with the baby? Sorry we can't visit today."
Learn to say NO, it will transform your life.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2013):
 You are running a home. This is much like a business. Do his friends visit him at work? NO? why not? Because he's AT WORK.
During the week you are running the home like a business.
POST visiting hours on the door and say "I am sorry but I must have the baby and household on a schedule and I can only visit between 2 and 4 on Monday Wednesdays and Fridays"
then don't answer the door.
but then I'm hard core.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 March 2013):
 Sit him down and tell him, we need to make a few days visitor free. And this is why. I need to be able to take care of the house and the kids and I NEED some peace and quiet too. Honestly demanding a whole weekend I understand but I don't see your BF agreeing to it. It seems likes he likes to "entertain", you need to negotiate this.
Do they drop by EVERY day or does it just FEEL that way?
Now I'm guess the 3 oldest children are in school? So you have all day to get most chores done if you plan it right and take care of the 1 year old.
Right now I "manage" a household of 10 (3 adults and 7 kids ages 5-16) and I'm the one who does the cooking, cleaning and most of the laundry. I try and get it done before the kids get home (though all the kids have chores too so that helps ME out too). It can be done.
But I totally understand you wanting to have some FAMILY time and honestly I think your BF is being an ass for thinking of entertaining his friends is more important then spend time with the family, after all 2 of the kids are HIS (I assume). When you do talk to him, try not to make it about HIM NOT doing this or that, but tell him I would really like for US to spend time, and I NEED a little peace and quiet. So negotiate.
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