A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts/uncles. I dont know if I am overreacting or if this is something I should be concerned about... First I should clarify, we have had trust issues in the past regarding him chatting with women sexually on the computer, joining dating/sex sites, even replying to ads on craigslist although he never physically- face to face did anything. Of course Im wary. We have been together almost 5 yrs and are engaged to get married next summer. He gives me his passwords and lets me go through all of his accounts. We are working on regaining trust and while I do my best to trust him, I occssionally check up on the accounts, assuming I wont find anything. Well, tonight I found on his fb that last month he was talking to a friend (who is a friend of him and his ex) I thought nothing of it and was just skimming the convos and he mentioned how he misses his ex and how she laughed and the "good times". Then apparently he also changed his main email account password. This Im guessing it was post me finding a message from an erotic massage finder-website. In the message it said it needed his info to proceed, therefore I chalked it up to spam, but now Im not so sure. I mean why change your password. Im just confused and wary and as much as Id love to work through this Im wondering if these are red flags? Other than that every thing else has been great. I love him with all my heart. I want to work passed our trust issues. Am I overreacting? Just taking this to heart too much due to prior hurt? Thank you for reading your advice is appreciated.
View related questions:
engaged, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2013):
 I miss some things about my ex. does not mean I want him back.
I am currently getting emails from eharmony about singles in my area (my birthday is coming up and the dating sites seem to show up a lot around birthdays for some reason) I've never even been to an eharmony site.
changing passwords is standard IT security but if you are supposed to have his passwords, then ask him if he forgot to give it to you... his reaction will tell you a lot. If he says "Oops yeah I forgot" and gives it to you... no biggie in my opinion. ANY other reaction... trying not to give it to you, accusing you of not trusting him... delaying tactics (so he can delete things) HUGE PROBLEM....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): That is a fair comment that it is not a big deal, but not fair to say he didn't realize it would hurt you. But then, some people can be insensitive like that.
You should use his password immediately in front of him if that situation ever arises again. Do EVERYTHING you can to BUILD the trust. Ask him ASAP about the password, and get a believable answer. If you don't or you can't believe him, then, without trust, there is NOTHING.... The loss of trust will eat away at you more and more, year after year until you can't take it any more.
If you both want it to work he has to put in extra effort to prove he is worthy of your trust.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): You MAY be reading too much into it. Truth be told I miss my ex sometimes. And I MIGHT say that to one of his friends, but even more to the truth is, I still would NEVER want to be back with him. Ask him immediately about the changed password and let him explain. What have you got to loose? Let him tell you the password, and show you whatever the password is for....right then and there. This will help to rebuild your trust. IF he won't tell you the password, or show you that accounts.... THEN that is a red flag - given your history. When he shows you the accounts, and there is nothing there.... leave it at that. If ANYTHING NEW comes up....ask him... ask him immediately in a kind and calm way... and allow him to rebuild the trust. If he loves you and wants to rebuild the trust with you, HE WILL DO WHAT EVER IT TAKES.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): Well I did have a talk with him last night, he didnt think talking about an ex w a mutual friend if theres eas a big deal. He appoligized, said he didnt know it hurt me and wouldnt ever do it again- everything I want to hear and believe. He said he loves me. Then he said he changed his email password because he couldnt log in and gave me the "newpassword" but I tried a few times this morning and it said it was incorrect so I just feel even more like hes trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Besides I dont want to "check up" on him. I dont feel like I should have to and Ive told him many times that the door is wide open and if he isnt happy with me to and I quote "leave me and go date one of your internet harlots or find someone else" Of course minus the word harlot and replace it with one that starts with a W. We do have a son together. Its difficult to leave nut I can do it if these are all just games.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 March 2013):
 There is a reason your gut is telling you something is UP, because something IS up with him.
Here is the thing though, he got caught on those websites and in hopes to placate you he gave you "almost full access" - now what you may not know is that he could easily have another e-mail account. Since you decided to stay and try and trust him he figured sooner or later he could go back til his "games" again, because YOU aren't going anywhere.
This isn't going to change. He won't change. By staying he thinks you accept him and his behavior. He doesn't seem to fathom HOW this hurts you, how this destroys whatever little trust he had regained.
Those are HUGE red flags.
1. reaching out to an ex usually indicate that someone isn't happy in their relationship, so they reach out to their last partner and remissness over the "good old days" - trying to recapture something. Instead of talking to YOU (his partner) and working on the relationship.
2. getting engaged and married would be the worst thing for you, unless he somehow fess up and STOP this, a ring on your finger will NOT FIX this. You know that. You will only be more "stuck" with him if you marry and he knows that.
3. You can't fix the trust issue by yourself and HE isn't doing a darn thing to help, quite the opposite.
4. HIS behavior affect YOU in a negative way, WAY more then it affects him. It only affects him when he gets caught, where as YOU are the one feeling the deception, the stab in the back and the suspicion and doubt. The fact that you FEEL a need to monitor him so he won't miss-behave is a red flag too. YOU SHOULDN'T have to supervise your partner in order for them to WANT to be faithful and not do stupid stuff. YOU are not his mother, know what I mean? I know that getting "full" access might put some of the doubts away, but obviously that only lasted so long.
I think you need to rethink this relationship really hard. Can you imagine having kids with this guy, IF he keeps this up? Can you see yourself long-term monitoring him in "order" to try and keep him from being an emotional cheater?
If you DO decide to stay with him, I strongly suggest some pre-marital counseling.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 March 2013):
 I don't think you are overreacting, this are red flags.
Exactly, why changing his password right after you found the message from the sex site ? ... Most likely answer : because it wasn't spam, he had tried to join and forgot to confirm or send details etc.
Now, that he actually did not intend to cheat, and that it was maybe just out of idle curiosity or sheer force of habit, that can very well be, but it does not mean much. In fact, it means that YOU are working on rebuolding trust, he is still doing as he bloddy pleases and hoping to not get busted.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): I think there's good reason you don't trust him, why should you? If my boyfriend said that about his ex I would probably cry lol, and confront him. It's really disrespectful that he said this about his ex, it's like an insult. Also to most people I think online cheating is still cheating, which he has done multiple times. I think porn is fine, but the things you mentionned are really bad I would honestly just leave..Since I know you probably don't want to do that, I say your other option is to confront him, sit down and talk. I think he needs to be honest with you about everything.. and you need to ask him about what he said about his ex (you could also ask about the 'spam' - but I guess you'll never know whetherthat was a genuine email or not.) I really think you guys need counselling or at least a serious talkThe sad thing is, I know you love him and don't want to throw it away, but a relationship is meant to be full of trust and honesty, and this guy had totally destroyed it. I think you deserve better :)
...............................
|
