A
female
age
41-50,
*ophie45
writes:I've been feeling very unhappy after I got married.. been feeling depressed..I had a baby 7 months ago; I have been staying at home watching the baby and my husband has been complaining about expenses. He 's been telling me I wish That he could be the one staying at home and i go to work and pay all the bills. He has been mean to me and cold. He also doesn't give me any money, he says that I have savings, and he's asking me how much do I have in my bank account. at first he wouldn't even allow me to work on weekends when he's off from work.but now I try to tell him i need to work on the weekends so that I can buy a car.and now that I try to work on the weekends, he wants me to put the little money i make together with his account. I told him I want to save money to buy a car. I don't know how to drive and I feel stuck in the house. he says fuck that , you're not keeping that money for yourself.. I am not taking care of the baby on the weekends and u 're keeping that money?!One time he accused me of using his car, and I said I didn't. and he says are you sure about that, you're a liar. and I said I didn't and i started crying. and he says you're a lunatic and crazy, and you're 35 years old. The baby started crying too. one time I was so tired I couldn't get up at night to take care of the baby, and he tells me, " what are you, you're so lazy, you're like a guy! you shouldn't have another baby! The only thing I feel for you is disappointment!" I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I don't know when He'll start saying mean things to me. he threatens me too that if I leave he';ll take the baby. I feel trapped and very unhappy, I've been feeling so depressed. I tell him I feel depressed with how he's been treating me , he says Im mentally unstable. I don't know what to do.I don't think counseling could change him. He's very opinionated. and when I tell him to stop being mean, he throws it back at me, saying its my fault . He's alway blaming me.sometimes he calls me stupid and idiot. what should i do? i'm very unhappy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): either way will be difficult. If you divorce him, you will be on your own financially. If you stay with him you will be treated lower than the scum of the earth.
it's up to you to decide which suffering you want to endure. I personally think it's better to divorce him because at least you will have some control over your suffering by how you choose to live your new life, and any new opportunities may happen. If you stay, you are accepting the situation as it is so I dont' see how anything can change or any new opportunities for things to get better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): was he always like this or only after the baby was born? You see, he will not change. Abusive people rarely change. and certainly there's zero chance they will change if they don't even recognize that they have a problem. So your only hope is to leave him. It's going to be very difficult because you have a baby and are dependent on him. I would advise that you talk to a divorce lawyer, and get support from family and friends like making arrangements to stay with them for some time if possible until you can get a job to support yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): Mod Note: It is not clear if this is the OP. But it is likely that it is the OP.I came from another country, I was doing very well for myself I was working and was independent until I met this guy and he moved in with me and I decided to have a baby with him( which was a huge mistake On my part) I have no family in the country which makes it very hard. I have been feeling depressed because I am scared about leaving him because I am afraid that he'll seek custody of my son, and Im also afraid of not being able to support my son. Every day I've been getting confused and have been feeling depressed; I'm afraid to leave. Should I seek a divorce? He's been divorced before and has been very bitter about his divorce and has a daughter who he gets to see every other weekend. His daughter is rude to me and when I complain to him about it, he tells me, " whenever she's in the house he demands respect from you!" making me feel lower than his daughter. When we were living together he wasn't like this he acted nice, polite. But now that we're married he's very controlling. And now he's telling me that he knows that I saved a lot of money and he's asking me how much money I have in my bank account. What should I do? I've called the family shelter. should I divorce ?Or should I see how things go?He's been very good to my son, he buys him things he needs.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 November 2011):
 As promised here are a series of links.
I do not expect you to read them all at once so I have grouped them into section.
Just try to look at one link perhaps once a day if you get a chance? My best wishes to you. Abuse does not just hurt the adult. it hurts the children who have to watch this unacceptable behavior. I hope you do find the courage to get the help you need. I have concentrated on USA based ones where possible unless i found a link that had even better organised advice. The first link is a Dear Cupid article
Best Wishes,
Abella
Advice if you are in the middle of an abusive relationship, especially if you are planning to leave
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-honeymoon-stage-in-an-abusive-relationship-and.html
Domestic Violence:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
Domestic Violence Shelters and agencies that can offer you help
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DVSheltersUS.pdf
http://www.silcom.com/~paladin/madv/dvagencies.html
Biderman’s Chart of Coercion – how an abuser does it
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/pdf/bidermans_chart_of_coercion.pdf
Outcomes as a result of Domestic Violence
http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/facts.htm
Post Natal Depression
http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=94
Depression
http://www.helpguide.org/topics/depression.htm
Abuse
http://helpguide.org/topics/abuse.htm
relationships
http://helpguide.org/topics/relationships.htm
Improving mind body and spirit
http://helpguide.org/topics/mind_body.htm
Moving Victims of violence from crisis to confidence
http://www.safehorizon.org/
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A
female
reader, goldie22  +, writes (18 November 2011):
My parents had a broken and abusive marriage me and my younger brother watched my father beat nd almost kill my mother in front of us. and it all began with emotional abuse and got worse.
I promise im not trying to scare you but please take courage and do something now or it will only get worse. Abusers test the water to see how much they can get away with often resulting in the abuse getting worse over time. If it continues to get worse or doesnt stop then just leave.
Wait for him to go to work then contact a relative or friend and tell them everything and that you need a place to stay. There is no shame in this you have nothing to be ashamed of. Just, for the sake of your child, take the little one and your stuff and leave
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 November 2011):
 YOU are being abused. You and the baby are in danger with a man with an irrational temper.
Can you contact a local women's shelter to see if you can get assistance to move out with the baby? IF you need help to find one you can google the term women's shelter and your location...
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A
female
reader, a.rachelle2012 +, writes (18 November 2011):
 leave his ass just saying. When he goes to work call a friend and leave he won't be able to do anything. YOUR the one that takes care of the baby all day sometimes that can be harder than working. So even though you love him guys like that don't change.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 November 2011):
 "Sounds" to me like the guy who contributed his sperm to your pregnancy is an idiot. YOU will be better off as soon as you can dismiss him from your life...
I don't mean "exchange him for some other guy...." I mean, just let him go and let nature take its course. From what you desribe, there is NOTHING that could be worse than what you are experiencing now....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 November 2011):
your situation is dire and grim. Never mind about counselling for him. He is beneath contempt.
But you are possibly suffering post natal depression and this is serious and very common. You need to see your Doctor asap. You do not need to ask your husband's advice on this nor inform him on this. Phone the Doctor, make an appointment and make sure you stress to the medical staff that you need this appointment urgently.
Make sure the Doctor gives you a referral or support onbwhere to seek ongoing counselling.
Post natal depression is not your fault. It affects many women after the birth of a baby.
You do not mention any family support? Do you have a mother or sisters who could come in to give you occasional support? If you do not have that support then find out what community support you might be able to access.
There are also online support services thay are free - i will follow this up with some links.
Your husband sounds diabolical, rude, cruel and abusive.
when was he ever nice?
Do not threaten to leave him as that could result in him threatening you or threatening to take the baby from you. Something the authorities are most unlikely to do, considering how abusive he is.
Do let the Doctor know the truth about how abusive your husband is.
However I suggest that you do quietly try to find out where the nearst Women's shelter is in you community as you may one day need to go there with your baby.
For protection from your husband.
Make sure your personal papers - bank cards, passport, anything of that nature, is kept safe and accessible to you at all times. In case you need to leave in a hurry. Never give your passwords to anything to your husband. Ensure you log out of anything you look at. And delete browsing history in options, to ensure he can't snoop about on what you have been reading / accessing.
Always have a bag packed with baby things and toiletries plus a change cothing and lingerie for you.etc For you in case you need to flee.
If askedd, the excuse to use is that the child care people suggested this in case baby ever gets sick in the night. Though you do not even need to explain this to your husband.
Befriend a couple of your nice neighbors so that they can keep an eye out for you too.
Please take good care. No young mother should have to put up with such abuae
And yes your money is yours. You earn it, you save it. But before you even consider working you need to see your Doctor and be assessed and some counselling for you, arranged.
Regards
Abella
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 November 2011):
 He is the one mentally unstable. The things he said to you didn't even make any sense. With or without the baby he is going to blow up whenever life gets unpleasant. He is too old to expect that a relationship is all leisure and comfort. I know that leaving him, or telling him to leave is hard. If he's the type who tells you he won't hit you because jail is not worth it, then you are stuck with his temper, which can be just as devastating emotionally if not physically. I had had abusive relationships and one day I fantasized about killing my ex, or that a big truck hit him. That's just not going to happen. While you can't change his horrible temperament, the thing you can change is how you respond to it. A quick way to defuse and reflect bad energies is to agree with everything he says. If he says you are (anything negative), just say yep that's true, and you are not so wise to continue being with me. At the same time be prepared that if one day he gets physical you line up all the help you can, family, friends, police and lawyer.
Unless he gets therapy, things are not going to change. Being sympathetic I could tell just what kind of childhood he had had. You cope with the pressure by preparing for the worst and envisioning either a better, changed version of him, or a new man who would be able to take care of you. You also plan out your career and things you want to do in the future. A lawyer can offer you sound advice on how to separate your finances so that he can't disagree with how you make or spend your money. You can also look for free resources, like parent support groups, parenting classes, financial management. You shouldn't have to be stuck in the house. Even chatting with a neighbour is nice.
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