A
female
age
36-40,
*pecialk022
writes:okay so my boyfriend and i are about to have sex for the first time... we are both virgins, and i really want to and so does he but im scared. please help. i love him and everything is perfect but im just a little nervous and stuff. HELPP!
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male
reader, daletom  +, writes (14 December 2009):
What, exactly, are you scared about? Is it physical, mental, or emotional fear?
The article by "satindesire" (and many of the side comments on that page) is excellent! Probably a must-read for you and your B/F. You can find it at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/thinking-about-losing-your-virginity.html ]
First, I hope you two are thinking in terms like "life partners", or "marriage". The fact that you have waited until now means that sex is something significant to both of you, and not something to be done because "everybody else has done it" (trust me, they haven't - but it'll be several years before you learn that on your own), or because "we've been dating long enough", or "i'm curious about what it's like", or "just because".
I can tell you first-hand about an experience similar to yours. My wife & I waited until we were married to have intercourse. I don't think we ever explicitly talked about it, but I think we both knew, for several months in advance, the time (within a couple hours) when we would give our virginity to each other.
I certainly wouldn't say it "wasn't very good" - even though our sexual skills and technique were pretty lousy, it was VERY "good", and quite significant to us. Our second time happened a couple hours after the first, and physically was much better. All together, we did it 5 times in the first 24 hours we were married. That leads to my second suggestion: make sure you have plenty of time, privacy, and facilities for what you want to do. At least most of a day, or overnight - a whole weekend together is even better.
Both of you probably know that many women experience no discomfort at all the first time they have sex. As a guy, I was totally surprised that the initial insertion of my first time hurt ME - I had NO IDEA of how to position myself in the correct location and proper angle, and painfully jammed myself against her, someplace "down there".
I hope that before you two try intercourse you have spent some time - a few days, to several months - getting acquainted with each other's bodies and sexual responses. I think a key element to minimizing the girl's discomfort is to bring her to orgasm just before attempting insertion. That will make her as relaxed, open, and lubricated as she'll ever be. It's best if you both have a little practice at bringing you to climax, so you're both skilled and comfortable with the process. A lot of folks suggest that you should get on top of him and guide him into you - he can NOT feel what you're feeling, and you can better find just the right location and angle to receive him. This probably takes more maturity than many young people have, so she you be too embarrassed to help yourself this way.
He will probably finish much too quickly. The statistics are something like 95% of all guys climax too soon on their first time - I think the average for a virgin guy is about 8 seconds, and a bit less if he has a virgin partner. About 4% of guys lose their erection when the time arrives, or can't get hard. They get to spend time kissing, cuddling, and pleasuring their partner until the necessary response happens. About 1% of virgin guys have a skilled, understanding partner who lovingly helps them to an orgasm before trying insertion, then helps him re-charge (about 10 minutes, at your age) to try the "real thing". This will help him have as much patience and control as he's capable of in that situation. It will also help him last a little longer inside you. (I wish that advice had been impressed on me!)
For the record, my wife and I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (she took mine and I got hers in return) on our wedding night. The story is in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ]. (Scroll down the thread to find my post.) Even though it was lousy sex, it was still very significant and meaningful to us! And despite that lousy first-time, we're still married - to each other - over 35 years later.
Other threads I contributed to include "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
Something we weren't prepared for was our emotional state immediately afterwards. I've read about this and talked to others, and the details vary WIDELY among people. (My wife & I were both sobbing, and pain wasn't the major cause.) The best I can say is that you need to be sensitive to each other, as well as yourselves, because you can do some emotional damage without even realizing it.
I hope you can come back here and tell us how it went. You can be a REAL HELP to others in your situation by relating your experience, as best you feel comfortable with. Let them know what advice was most useful, what was way off-base, and what you wish somebody had told you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): Just calm down. Its sex. You aren't curing cancer here.
Get a few glasses of plonk in and do something you both enjoy and let the happy feelings wash over you and it will come.
You might like to watch some nice pornography to get some tips after your first time. I say after cause it'll never be like that the first time.
The first time between two lovers is about the connection. The emotion. Not about the sheer lust and pleasure of it all. There will be those things, but they will be tempered by so many emotional goings on that it all blends into one magical, and frightening experience.
A rewarding one if you share it with someone you love.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, projectwatever +, writes (14 December 2009):
please don't do it wait and get married me and my bf did sleep together for the first time and i loved him so much and then after we were together he stopped calling me and he didnt care about me so please wiht tears in my eyes do't do it you have no idea what ur giving up because that is somethiing sacred and special i made that mistake plesae don't do soemthing you will regret please don't i'm begging you
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