A
female
age
41-50,
*mpossibly Screwy
writes:I know what I need to do, but......but I still need reassurance? Strength?My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. He comes to see me twice a month and stays at my house. We talk to each other every day.I wanted to go see him, and he told me if I did, I would not be able to stay at his house (he still lives with his parents as he is in med school). In fact, he said he was not going to tell his family about me at all....and he has not even though we have been together for 6 months. Once his brother called when he was visiting, and he made me be absolutely quiet so his brother did not hear my voice and ask who I was. A couple of months ago, I missed my period (due to steroids I was on for bronchitis). He told me if I happened to be pregnant, he would not tell his family about the baby until after he is finished with school...in another three years. Thank GOD I was not pregnant. None of his friends know who I am, either.He cannot stand my family, either. We took my kids trick or treating with my sister and her daughter...he refused to speak to any of us the whole time. So I suggested (and not unkindly because I know how sensitive he is) that if he wasn't up to walking around, he could have my car keys and go back to the house and wait for us. He flipped out on me, cursing at me in front of everyone.He is very VERY jealous. He figured out my Facebook, AIM, and email passwords and read everything anyone has ever sent me. He interrogates me about every little conversation I have with people other than him. He accuses me of cheating on him, not loving him enough, etc. He has told me "I don't want ANY man looking at you because you're MINE."He picks fights with me over the littlest things. Everything I do is wrong according to him.He texed me at five am the other morning to tell me that he doesn't think we should be together anymore, that I will get over him quick, and that I will "find another guy as a replacement as soon as tonight." He did this to me on a day he knew was going to be very stressful to me as it was...then said, "I never broke up with you...wtf are you talking about? You're the one who took it that way." Then he begged me all day to take him back, making me feel guilty and like I did something wrong. He does this frequently.Lately, I noticed he always has an already open box of condoms when he comes to see me. DUH. He brags about how girls hit on him and ask for his number....but I can't even mention a male friend or coworker to him without him going ballistic.On the other hand, he is very passionate, a good lover, always drops what he is doing to make the three hour drive to be here with me when I have a problem, and would not hesitate to give me his last penny if I am in need of money. He has never been nasty to my kids, and when he is here, he is very respectful to me.It's almost like when he is away from me, he flips. He's a different person.I know this is a bad relationship, that I have to get out. And I have tried. I've told him not to ever talk to me again when he insults me...but then he shows up at my house begging me to forgive him. I guess I just need some reassuring words to give me strength. I know I deserve better. And I'm not stupid...I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm terrible at breaking up with people. How should I go about doing it so he gets the message loud and clear and doesn't come down here to make up?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): Good for you. Take absolutely no notice of his tantrums. Change you number if you have to but dont stay in contact with him. If he was seriously in love with you he would have been at your door within 3 hours, clutching flowers and begging for forgiveness. Not pouring out venum from miles away in messages! Hes a bullying little control freak. If you do have contact again tell him your brother is staying and you wont hesitate to call the police if he so much as puts a foot on your property. You have to `sledgehammer` it home to him that hes yesterdays news and he has worn out his welcome. And nice of him to come see you all when he had been in contact with TB. What a guy! Chalk him up to experience and move on. All the best x
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 December 2009):
 I am so pleased to hear you have bitten the bullet and started the process to get rid of this flea bitten bug!
I am also happy to hear you are going to install your brother in the house when you think he might come a knocking! If it seems he isnt going to take no for an answer you may need to seek extra protection in the form of a restraining order or similar. Stay firm, stay tough, when ever you feel yourself and your resolve starting to flag just remember there are women all over the world urging you on.
Congratulations for having the courage to make a stand, good luck with it all.
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A
female
reader, Impossibly Screwy +, writes (14 December 2009):
Impossibly Screwy is verified as being by the original poster of the question I told him it was over last night.
I fell asleep early because I was so exhausted, and when I woke up to use the bathroom a few hours later, there were almost 30 messages from him. He told me I'm ignoring him so I could f**k around with someone else, he hopes I'm having fun talking to whoever it is that I'm talking to, I'm a f***ing b**ch, I'm selfish, and I deserved the abuse I got from my ex husband.
In the same breath, he told me he is sorry he said that, he doesn't know what came over him, and that he loves me.
When I saw those things, I told him I never wanted to see him or even talk to him again. I said it was impossible for him to love me and still say those things to me. He insisted he didn't mean them and begged me "don't be like that"...I wouldn't budge.
He messaged me all night long begging me to forgive him. He called me and was all tearful on my answering machine. This time I *did* ignore him.
He told me he will never leave me alone because he loves me and can't make it without me.
The last thing he said to me was "Oh btw I'm going for a chest xray after work. My brother has TB, and I think I have it too. If you get a fever, get yourself some antibiotics fast." Oh, thanks for telling me this...just come down here knowing your brother has this disease and infect me and my kids.
I want nothing further to do with him. On the nights I'm off, I'm going to have my brother come stay with me as my now ex told me he was coming down here to make me see how much he loves me and needs me. I'll pass on that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): I agree with whats been said. Hes not a nice person even if he would give you his last cent. I also think he has things going on in his life that you know nothing about and hes made sure you never find out! Im not one for being bullied and dont suffer them gladly. He has in effect bullied you into an agreement that leaves you no contact with his family at all. And has even said he wouldnt tell them if he had a child with you until hes finished med school! If hes even going to med school and not just a married man with a family already! Theres something very wrong with him and hes protecting himself, by keeping you removed from eveyone in his life...even his friends. As for making you keep quiet while he spoke to his brother! Hes hiding something. When you break up with him make it very clear you will not tolerate any nonsense from him. He hasnt offered you a normal relationship at all. You are entitled to meet your partners family friends ect and not be hidden away from them. Hes also got a nerve expecting you to put up with his distrust of you, when its him that needs watching. If he wasnt behaving badly why would he even think of checking incase you were? As for refusing to speak to your family because hes sulking......come on!
Give him his marching orders in no uncertain terms and tell him to sling his hook. Have a guy stay over or whatever if it makes you feel safer but dont let this shady character scare you. Ive a hunch if you tell him its definately over and hes not to interfer in your life in anyway or you will report him to the police, possibly even go and see his family...he will disappear fast!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (14 December 2009):
Wow, do you have a big burly male relative who could come and stay for a few days, just for when he comes abusing you after you tell him its over?
A cousin or brother in law, a friends husband, anybody like that?
If not, go talk to the police, get a restrraining order, he sounds like a fruit cake, the fact you are not able to visit him is a BIG RED FLAG -
When you call him to break it off have somebody you trust there, with you holding the phone in one hand and them holding the other hand, you need some support to get you through this, and now is the time to call on family and friends for that support. But please, for your own sake and peace of mind, if you do make that phone call, and do have the burly guy see him off when he comes a knocking, do not go back on your decision, as it will only be ten times worse.
You need to do this for your and your children's sake, and the sooner you do it the better
he is a user and an abuser, and nobody needs a person like that in their lives.
Good luck, my prayers are with you.
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A
female
reader, dazey  +, writes (14 December 2009):
I would tread carefully if I were you.
I agree this is a bad, no, destructive relationship and I agree that you need to end it. This man exerts a tremendous amount of control over you. He has access to your e-mails; one text from him can ruin an entire day for you; he baits you about other women; he can't stand you to discuss male friends; he has hidden you from his family. You figure in his life in EXACTLY the way he wants you to so in effect you are completely controlled. I hope you can still see how much you need to break away from this man.
My advice is first make sure you have nothing that belongs to him, no stuff, no money borrowed, nothing at all that gives him a reason to stay in touch with you. Then, call him up and break up with him in very clear terms- in this case you don't need to do it face-to-face, it wouldn't be worth it. If it was me I would make sure I was away from home if at all possible, staying somewhere he would never think of, and stay away for as long as you can manage. If that is not possible make sure you have someone competent and sympathetic to stay with you, and be prepared for trouble (remember he is not afraid to drop everything and make the 3 hour journey if YOU have a problem- what will he do if HE has a problem?). Once you have made the call, DO NOT contact him or speak to him EVER again. please, don't even be tempted to be in contact with him by any means.
I'm sorry to sound so serious and I don't mean to freak you out, but this guy sounds like a total control freak. He sounds bad enough when you're giving him everything he wants so I can't begin to imagine what he will be like when he can't get his own way.
Very best wishes.
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