A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We have known our neighbors for 12 years and have always got on well- we both had dogs which we took walking together, plus we’d look after each others dogs from time to time. 4 years ago their dog died, as soon as my husband and found out we sent our condolences. We then went round with flowers, chocolate and a sympathy card and stayed with them for several hours as they were both so upset. Not only did we make ourselves available to them (we took them out for drinks and dinner) we also invited them to come with us to walk our dog- which they were so happy doing and would join us most weekends. Around a year later they got another dog and we started all dog walking together again. Unfortunately our dog passed away a couple of months ago but we have not had any proper acknowledgment from them. She sent me a text saying she was sorry - that was it. No cards or flowers, no coming round to see us. When we have seen them they are more interested in talking about their recent holiday or new extension. Whenever we try to talk about our dog they are both like “ it’ll be ok” and then hurriedly moving to the next topic of conversation. This is our first death of a dog expected them to be more understanding seeing as they have been through several dog losses themselves.If their dog loss had happened recently then we’d completely understand their reluctance to talk to us amidst their down grief but they are no longer grieving- it real feels like they can’t be bothered with us. I even said to them that we’d love to go on a dog walk with them on a weekend at some point but they never invited us. We know the dog too and their dog loves us so that’s no excuse either. My husband and I are now questioning our friendship with them and if it’s still worth perusing and we can’t understand their reluctance to be there for us. Thoughts?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2024): Firstly I'm sorry for the loss of your et. The short answer is that everyone will have different ideas on how to react or support someone through loss and grief. Not everybody can afford to buy flowers and chocolates.
You may have thought it was necessary however they clearly didn't. It would be a shame to lose a friendship over this as you seem to have valued theirs for a long time. Try and mark it down as people being people and move on. We don't all have the same thoughts and feelings about things.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2024): Welcome to the real World. You cannot shout and scream and throw your rattle out of the pram when things do not go your way. The sensible person thinks things through more before they put themselves out their money wise and time wise for people they are not that sure of.I recently had a neighbour asking me to do her a favour. Now bear this in mind.... she does not work at all, she has masses of time, she spends most of her time chattering on phone or watching television or bingo. She is younger and fitter than me. She lives in a tiny place with no garden so she does not have much to do in the way of chores, gardening etc. Where I work long hours and have a much bigger place to take care of, plus three dogs.For a year she has ignored me totally - even though right next door. We don't usually bump into each other so she would have to arrange to meet me or text.She found out she thinks she has arthritis and it worries her. So she expected me to give up my spare time or take time off of work unpaid to research all about it online for her. When I asked why she is not doing it herself she said because thar would stop her watching television all day.Obviously I said no. And I wouldnt have done it if she had offered to pay for the time and work because my real work would pay far better and be far more interesting. Or I would rather get away from work and do something else.Another neighbour who is similar, does not normally bother to speak to us because too busy with family and friends that she sees a lot, now expects me or my husband to go over to hers to sit with her husband who has dementia. So that she can get out and go shopping or for a meal or hairdresser or friend. There are agencies that do this if you pay them so much an hour and she can easily afford it. And she could ask family and real friends, but she wants to spend lots of quality time with them instead.So think on and follow this - treat people according to how they treat you.We know some people who are kind, caring, not a selfish or nasty bone in their body, some are vulnerable and living alone and struggling. We know others who only remember you exist when it suits them and they want something that will save them inconvenience, time or money.Your time and money is as valuable as theirs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2024): You have to accept people as they are, they are not obliged to behave the way you want. And don't be so quick to rush in a make a fuss of someone if you might regret it later.They probably see you as just neighbors but you wanted to turn it into friends, why do you assume they want the same thing?My husband and I are in our late sixties and for the first time in our lives we have time for a social life and to make friends. Before we worked all the hours God sent seven days a week. It was impossible. What I've noticed is that most mature people already have all the friends they need, they don't need you as a friend too. Or they plough all of their efforts and time into family. You are on the edges of their real lives. What gets me though is that we've met plenty of couples who plough all of their thoughts and fine into family and friends with with no time for us - leaving us out in the cold, yet as soon as they want some shopping or someone to sit with their husband for hours while they go to the hairdresser or someone to help in some other way they could pay a professional for they want us. Not for socialising and going out and having fun, not for just chatting, just a a convenience. So we talked about it and drew up boundaries. Who was ok for what etc, so that we weren't just living our lives to suit them and fill in the gaps for them. We got very close to it sometimes because all you ever hear about is someone going in hospital or getting more ill or dying etc and that is when they rememb3er we exist and assume we should be useful to them.Well I have news for them. We both closed down very successful highly paid businesses so that we could relax and have fun and a normal life - NOT so that we could become unpaid carers, cleaners, taxi drivers, counsellors etc.You need to be more picky about who you extend a hand of sympathy to and why you do it and think it through as to what you expect later if this or that. Time is very valuable. Don't give it out to just anyone. If we were happy to waste our time we would have been better off sticking to our well paid businesses, at least that way we would not be used and taken for granted and working for free.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2024): I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby crossing the Rainbow Bridge. It's so hard to lose a pet, they are literally our family. I went to pieces when my dog passed away. Part of you is grateful for the time that you actually did have, but it's never enough.
Perhaps it would be a good idea to join a support group?
Maybe a new pet would help. What about a couple kittens or a couple of guinea pigs? Kittens are happier in pairs, and guineas need to be in pairs.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 April 2024):
 I'm so sorry for your sad loss. As a pet owner for most of my life, I know what you are going through and how hard it is.
That said, I prefer to grieve privately and not share my lowest moments with others.
I used to have a friend who would suffocate me with kindness whenever one of my animals died. It wasn't what I wanted or needed. I wanted and needed to grieve privately and move on in my own way. Even when I told her numerous times that I was fine, she would insist I wasn't and insist on "being there for me". To be honest, I felt it was more about her than about me.
From the other side, I am really bad at offering condolences to someone when they lose an animal, as I end up crying more than they do and it seems like I am making it about me than them.
What I'm trying to say, in a very roundabout way, is that we all handle grief differently. Maybe your neighbours don't know how to approach the subject. Maybe they feel sad and are worried they will cry. It is, of course, also entirely possible they don't care about anything but themselves. Only you can decide what this latest behaviour signifies and whether you want them as friends.
I wonder, do you still look after their dog for them?
I hope you will move on emotionally in time and take in another dog in honour of the one you lost. There is no greater tribute you can pay them.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (10 April 2024):
 First off, I am sorry for the loss of your fur baby. To pet owners, losing a beloved pet is like losing a member of your family. I have had dogs and cats my entire life and have such wonderful memories of each and every one of them. They were all my babies. It gets easier with time but you never forget them. You would think your neighbors would understand and want to help sympathize with you but that is not the case. Some people don't know how to deal with sadness and grief and try to side step around it, ignore it or just pretend it didn't happen. Dont know your neighbors so its hard to say what their deal is. Whatever it is, they aren't going to be a shoulder to cry on. Accept that they are not emphatic and don't look to them for sympathy because you aren't going to get it. I'd be distant but polite to them moving forward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2024): Sorry to hear about your sad loss.
Unfortunately not everyone is as kind and empathic as you. Some people are not very good in such situations. So please don't hope that they will respond in a similar way.
Some people try to forget about sad times in their lives. It could be that they are selfish and just want to talk about themselves. That you are givers and they are takers. I don't know them so can't tell.
Have a think about their good qualities then decide whether you still want them in your lives and to what extent.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2024):
 While I can understand how you feel, and I'm sorry for your loss, I think it's a little unrealistic to expect others to do the same as you did.
What you did was kind and generous. And it was what felt RIGHT to you, to your husband.
But this is YOUR and your husband's loss. Not theirs.
And now you know, your neighbors are not like that.
I'd say work through your loss with your husband and ignore the neighbors. You had hoped or expected them to reciprocate your own kindness, friendship and generosity. They CHOSE not to.
Would it have been nice? Sure. Is it owed? No.
Let it go, OP and accept the fact that your neighbors are not exactly like you.
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