A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for many years to a man who has disrespected and abused me ever since I met him. At first I thought I could take or leave him (before we were married) but slowly it seems he and some tough breaks robbed me of my self esteem and I got hooked despite the red flags which I stopped seeing. Yes, I know I plated a part in this: I was still very affected from being an abused child and my self esteem was too fragile though I had built it up enough to hang on to strive for an education.Now we have older children and I work for myself though i don't earn a lot and I have managed to keep choosing life after a fashion, after I am down once again. He periodically gets very nasty and this brings me right down. I could earn more but it seems too much of my energy goes into coping. I would like to work and earn more.We have been to counselling and I have had individual counselling. I have also done courses and read a lot of relevant books, etc. The joint counselling didn't help and the individual only somewhat. But my reading and my religious faith (he has none) have helped me a lot.What I want to work on right now is how to feel ok however I am treated, especially by him. I want to work out how he can get to me and bring me down with his disrespect and insults; game playing; lies; control; deceit; lack of support and friendship and "crazy making"/stinkin thinkin talk. Can anybody help me with this?Once I can master myself, then I will work on the rest I have to do. But first things first.
View related questions:
period, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): Just one thing to note, every one in the world has some ego like you or you hubby. I feel every time, you get frustarted, he is also equaly frustrated. So i can tell you he also does not like the sitution as much as you do'snt like. So some of the readers will be perplexed to know it, but it happen with many couples and it is sign of deep relationship and expectations are still live in both of them. I feel you and he need little bit of tweaking in your actions and reactions
( try it for 3 months and you will see the results ) . If you want to get love, you need to give love. If you want to get respect, then you need to respect others as first.
there will always some differences in any two matured and mind ful people and love those differences.
i feel you apply above few changes and you will get results. It is all fine, unless there is some "other" factor involved, every other problem simply fixable with initiatives of any partner.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"More people ask the lord to lighten their burdens
than ask him to strengthen their backs."
Anon. Quoted on p 50 of "Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul 2".
And more people tell others to cut off their burdens.
This doesn't make these viwpoints "correct".
But I'm not going to argue about it. We each have to reach our own conclusions. Of course authoritarians think there is only one viewpint. That is their opinion only.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIndeed, it can perplex some people as to why I would be with this man. But it is not perplexing to those who understand how real people can decide what they do, especially when they have been severely abused. In any case, it IS so and that is done & cannot be undone and neither can all the years gone by since.
Couple counselling does not work with an abuser. Nor can individual counselling bring about deep changes in them.
I don't see that I have a viable option to leave. I have my reasons. So I am trying to cope as best I can.
I do know that how one thinks about something and what one does can be very influential on how one feels. I am looking for solutions in this arena. The alternative is to give up & be destroyed. I am hoping I can find a way.
I do talk to God. But God is not a wish granting genie. We have to help ourselves & not count on a miracle though they seem to happen.
There is great comfort in believing in God though, and also in the idea that there is right & wrong though some people don't think so.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 February 2010):
Your first, best bet is to leave this man. Which is a big step. But the fact is as long as you are in that house with that man, every time you feel good he will destroy you. Every time you smile, he'll make it that you don't. Every time you try to earn more, he'll drag you back down. You will never feel okay about the way he treats you. No one can stand that and take insult after insult. You can't just switch your feelings off. It isn't a case of mastering yourself with him when he gets to you, it's about getting away from him so you can completely start over. You could try your hardest to put a brave face on as he hurts you, but all he will do is get worse until the insults are truly unbearable. You need to just get away from him.
...............................
|
