A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been more alone than this - but never so lonely.I have absolutely nobody to talk to about this problem. When I was 15 I was infatuated with my best friend's older brother. If you were to read my diary it still has entries of only him. I was crazy about his wit and his grace and the way he seemed to respect me. All her friends had a crush on him but he always treated me like his favourite - I thought. I would sleep over at her house and dote upon him regularly. Age 19, my first boyfriend of three years was going away to College. He'd cheated enough times and I don't think I was very happy in the relationship. So when my best friend's brother asked if he'd have a chance with me I said he would. He'd always treated my so specially. So we went out, on three measley dates. He started talking about marrying me and mentioned it to his mother.One night he called me up and said that his parents had told him to end the relationship. I knew his parents had a problem with interraccial relationships but they had always treated me like one of their children. Besides he'd dated another girl of my race and they'd accepted her but said they were close friends to her family. "What about Aurora's family?" they said. They threatened to kick him out of the house. "she's just a lost little girl who doesn't know where she fits in" (this is because I'm of mixed race). From then he kept his distance but months later sms'ed me. "So do you have some kind of problem with me?" As if I was the one who wanted the distance. I fell for it. We then had some pathetic excuse for a phone / sms relationship. I had a feeling he was seeing other people but was too chicken sh** to do anything about it. I felt guilty that he'd been doing all the driving (etc) in the relationship and wanted to wait to get my licence and my car but was struggling with that and getting on my own two feet - so though crazy about him I wanted to wait until I could offer him more. One day he didn't call me on my birthday. In six years he hadn't forgotten - I'd ignored all the ways he wasn't treating me the same any more but this I couldn't. I was in TEARS on a young girls lap when he smsed an apology. I smsed indicating I wasn't happy. He then didn't talk to me for a month. Until he told me that he'd found a fantastic new girlfriend who knows when not to huck him. He said that bacause I don't have a real job I don't understand what real pressure is and how busy he was. Look, I get it. He's just not that into me. And if I'm into myself I should let it all go. But cut me some slack I have been given a major identity crisis here - I've lost friendships that for years I thought were real (with him and his parents). I've been given a racial identity crisis. And I was dumped - twice - by a guy I've liked for six years and wanted to marry. And had only kissed one other guy besides. And I've been proffesionally invalitated. As well as having my families crapness pointed out. So I don't want advice - I want to get over this. But in order to do that I need my feelings validated.Can't go to my best friend - all the bad guys are related to her. Nobody else wants to listen - people are sick of racial sob stories and want to know why I can't get over it but SIX years, people!! SIX!!! So as I said, It's not advice I need. Just for some one to say - "gee that's terrible" And for somebody to acknowledge that I have a problem and not to brush it aside. Please can some one do that? Since my so called friends and family couldn't be bothered.. I mean I'm typing on the freaking net here... like I need more invalidation than "you suck on every level - you're not woman enough for someone you love, you're racially inferior, economically inferior, your family sucks and all of this is your fault oh great sinner" like the price I pay for being me is that I don't get to be loved. Cause I chose my family, and my race, like every one else did, right? Cause as a child I'm to be held responsible for other people's mistakes. So add to that the people who claim to know and love me say "surely its not love - it must be only infatuation" SIX years... he was my freaking role model. Can someone take two minutes to not brush me aside? Some kind stranger."that's terrible" Two words All I need. I'd really appreciate it.
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female
reader, Asked Angel  +, writes (23 December 2008):
 Unfortunetly you cannot choose your family. Your best friend just needs you to be there for her and support her. Before her parents know she will be old enough and strong enough to walk away from them completly if they don't accept her relationships. You're a good friend, carry on being one!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFunny thing, said best friend..? well she's decided to date a black guy in her college. I asked her what she'd do if her parents chucked her out or decided to stop paying for college- she said that if her dad's love was that conditional, so be it. She said she'd get a job and a student loan. She actually told them. Eventually, they said they'd still support her as their daughter, though they won't support the relationship. Its been going on for a long time. She's on holiday now... but now members of her extended family are giving her grief. And her dad has no pity, "I told you to get rid of him..." On one level I'm relieved that its not me all this fuss is about, but on another I'm angry that its my best friend, the one who loves everyone unconditionally, that has to get all this flack! I let her know that I support her whatever decision she makes and that she can talk to me without fear of being judged ( I always suspect that she's ashamed of their behavior..) but any more words of support I could offer her? Espacially from icelordess? having been in a similar situation...
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A
female
reader, go4jess  +, writes (16 November 2008):
I admit I have a temper how could you of stayed with him that long????? You deserve to to be treated better!! By the way just a futre refrences never like a best friend's older brother. It always turns out wrong. Just remember he isn't the guy that you were looking for.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (12 November 2008):
 Completely awful. I'm a mixed race kid too - I've been living that way for 22 years and I've had some hard times. I've encountered some real idiots along the way, real closed minded scum bags who foolishly think that skin color dictates ANYTHING about who I am, what I'm about or how they can treat me.
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, but the world is getting better, people less ignorant, and society more open to differences.
Besides, being mixed is AWESOME. We are some of the hottest babes on the face of the planet. Wear your skin with pride, because I know I am.
Some people are creeps and I am so sorry you had to encounter this one. Believe me, there is a fella waiting out there for your sweetness!!
xx India
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2008):
 Oops! Sorry, I just realized you didn't want advice, just validation. You are perfectly within your rights to feel the way you do, that IS terrible and you DO deserve better. From one stranger on the 'net to another... YOU MATTER and YOUR FEELINGS MATTER!!!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2008):
Let me go further. He's the fungus that lives on the backside of the bottom-dwelling, manure-eating, slimy toad monster in a polluted lake. Okay, I'm exaggerating, but for a reason. The fact that he's related to your best friend in no way makes him a de facto good guy. That you had a crush on him and loved him does not make him a decent guy.My suggestion for getting over him is to get a really good head of steam going, really really experience your anger at him. Take it out on a pillow, beat the feathers out of it. (Don't use your best one, though. Find one that's ready to go in the bin.) If you can stand it, carefully cut each page that mentions him out of your diary, prepare a nice little fire in the fireplace or in a safe location, and BURN those pages that link you to him. Make it a ritual, a ceremonial and emotional expunging of him from your interior life.He'll always be part of your best friend's life, so you can't really completely cut him out unless you cut her out of your life, but you can expel him from the interior place of esteem he has been nestled in for too many years. Relegate him to the exterior world, that polite world where you pretend that his very existence is tolerable, but secretly, he's in soggy ashes in the fireplace or in the ragged remnants of the pillow in the landfill.Do this mental exercise and it might actually start to work.Another thing, you ARE valuable, you ARE worthwhile, you are more than the sum of the genes that created you. You are unique and individual and special and a miracle every day.I recently came across these quotes and kept them because they spoke to me on some level. I offer them here to you as a starter kit for finding your own truth and your own peace and inner strength."Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; love more, and all good things will be yours." -Swedish proverb"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." -Albert EinsteinAnd my current favorite."Be the change you want to see." -GandhiWith my best wishes, good luck!
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A
female
reader, unsure/what2do +, writes (12 November 2008):
It seems you have way bigger issues and problems in your life besides this six year relationship if you want to call it that! Have you ever thought about seeking professional help. It's nothing to be ashamed of but, having someone like a professional help you through all of this could really be worth while and helpful :)....Think about it.
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A
female
reader, samsmommy +, writes (12 November 2008):
 wow i really hate that people are still so freakin racist it's ridiculous. a couple of people in my family are still like that and i can't stand it. and no one can know if it's love or infatuation but you. so whoever says that is lying to you, whether they realize it or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Hey, it sounds like you have had a lot of heartache with this guy and like you say it has left you with a lot of pieces to pick up. I think any one in your situation would feel as in pain and hurt as you do now, I know I have felt so low and alone before so I know how painful those kind of things can be.I hope that it begins to all make sense and you start to feel better soon, and more importantly, it doesn't make you bitter about the future and any future relationships.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): I'm happy to oblige.That's terrible!
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A
female
reader, Asked Angel +, writes (12 November 2008):
Sweetheart that is terrible and i am so sorry your hurting so badly. Unfortunatly there doesn't seem to be much you can do to change the situation. I am truly sorry you feel so let down by people you thought you could trust. I trully hope you can work through this for yourself you deserve to be treated betterxx
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