A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a talk with my boyfriend about how he has been treating me and acting and how I don't like it and etc. What are ways to do this without sounding naggy, mean, bitchy, insensitive, annoying, etc.I just want something that wont sound accusing like i'm telling him how I feel with no emotion and just asking him to please work on all of it or at least some because if he doesn't i don't know how much longer i can stand it.Pretty much i've been under a lot of stress. My mom is a psycho (certifiable), my Dad might lose his job, a girl has been harrassing me at school, and now my boyfriend is acting moody, negligent, and he doesn't like me touching him.I've been working hard on being nice to my mom even though she's a really mean person but, I just want the house to be nice for my Dad and I feel really bad because she's so awful and I can't deal with it as well with all the other stress I have going on. Not to mention college, senior year obligations it's just too much. The girl that is harassing me is under control. I've told my school my parents and friends what has happened and set up that I don't want to be friends with her I'll be nice and they don't have to choose sides. My boyfriend is the one that's stressing me out a lot we've been together two years and he used to be so cute, affectionate, and very caring. Now he just withdrawls, hates me touching him, doesn't like acting like a couple or really kissing. He doesn't even like sex. We really have done it four times which is okay but, I want something more like more often(not a lot maybe like once a month I feel like it would be good for both of us with me having a lot of stress and to calm him down with his). It's just to the point where I feel like what's the point. We just act like we're friends with benefits pretty much. What's the point of being boyfriend and girlfriend when he can't even do his fair share and act like one. I'm talking to him tomorrow hopefully everything goes well. Scarping it all isn't an option two years and just throwing it away is a waste to me I want to try really hard to work it out and then have a mutual break up if that's the worst that happens. I doubt it since I know somewhere in there my boyfriend is in there not this weird cold person. Realtionships with me are that I find a good person and we stay together for awhile or I leave because I don't want to waste my time and find someone that would be there for the longterm. Any one with experience? How should I talk to him? I feel like I'm ready to talk to him about it already, any tips?thank you :)-CD
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (21 October 2010):
 Easiest advice I can give is to re-read the last two paragraphs. Everything in them? Don't mention it to him.
If you being telling him all the reasons you are stressed out before he's ready for them, he'll assume you're just there to complain and he'll go into auto-pilot (nodding and making concerned noises). So you have to prep him first.
Instead, ask him why he's been acting the way he has, and ask if there's some way he can help. Say you've been noticing his behavior has changed, and it's upsetting you to see him that way. This will motivate him to really examine what he's doing, and show him that you are concerned. You're trying to trigger his protector-instincts here, which is the best way to avoid getting into an argument.
Be sure to encourage him as he improves, and when you think he's ready (and if you think it's still necessary), you can tell him about your own problems after that. Do it in small doses though - the idea is to train yourself and him to be concerned about each others' problems, not to avoid them out of exasperation.
A
female
reader, Kat_M_2011 +, writes (21 October 2010):
 Hey! I am a senior in highschool as well, so kudos. I have experience there too, kudos times 2.
Friends with benefits is where people basically have no idea you are together, and if ya'll are an exclusive couple, then it definitely isn't with benefits.
And I'm gonna say, I'm sorry what you're going through, it sounds awful, and a burden for any highschooler to bear. Your boyfriend doesnt need to add on top of that.
So what to say to him?
I think you should confront him directly. Be like look, I really care for you, and I have a lot of crap going on in my life. I'd love for you to be there for me, and not grow so distant. It only hurts me more. I feel like we aren't even a couple anymore, we never touch, never have sex, and we're scarcely intimate anymore. it makes me feel like you're just my friend with benefits, instead of my boyfriend. Can we please work on this?
And see what he says from there! Message me if you like to let me know how it goes and if you have more to add, I'm here to help.
-KM
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 How can your boyfriend do his share when he doesn't know how to act like a boyfriend properly? You are giving your boyfriend a lot of pressure to be the only thing positive in your life, or to fix everything that's wrong. He's withdrawing because he doesn't know how to make you feel better. He may think that sex is only for people who are happy. Your life, probably reality for a lot of people, does not inspire him any creative energies. Maintenance sex is better than no sex, but you have to understand how guys' brain work. Talking about problems is a sure way to make a guy go limp, down there. Guys bawk whenever women tell them they need to talk. Do you feel it's possible to fix a relationship without talking? Can you plan a day where you just sit beside each other and just feel connected without saying much? He probably feels like it's pointless to talk because conversations don't go anywhere. Perhaps you can hear his side of the story? It may take him a long time to learn that being a woman means listening to her even though there is nothing to be fixed. Your part would be to appreciate that you still have a boyfriend when a lot of girls out there are desperate for one. You have to understand it's hard for him to be cheerful when he's so close to you and he's affected by you. I can only guess this unless there's other info on why he's acting moody. Try, "it would really make me feel better if we can hug." I feel he has heard enough of problems already but you don't feel emotionally supported. Be patient because he's young and he's not equipped on being in tune with what a woman needs. What you need now is some fun. Just do something so you can give him the smile that he misses.
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A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (21 October 2010):
Plan the discussion. Sit down with paper and write out exactly what your problems are, what your problems with him are, and how they affect you. Work out what you wish he would do for you, and also write out what you will not accept from him. I don't want to sound mean there, but you have to draw a line for yourself that you can use to decide if you are wasting your time with him. Reread what you have written until you are confident that it is all accurate. Then destroy it.
Write all of that out, and then tell him you want to talk to him. Make it a planned event, sit down at a quiet table without distractions and talk about all of it. Let him know exactly how you feel, and give him an opportunity to explain himself. Let him know that if he has issues that cause him to be this way, you would like to support him in those. Ultimately, let him know that you want these changes to be made.
If you lead up to the talk, have the talk, and then not talk about it after that, he won't think you are bitchy (unless he is uncaring and indifferent).
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A
male
reader, suitcase  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 hmmmmm,,,that's annoying,,this the first time i heard a guy doesnt like sex,,,,,different here,,so when you are talking to him,,don't rush it,,,,just gently tell it to him,,tell him how you feel about how he's acting,,and tell him the hardships you are going through,,he'll understand,,guy are good human beings,,they'll understand,,he should,,i'll pray for you
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