A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I've been dating now for 5 months, a girl i met online of all things, we chatted for a very long time as friends before dating.Things have got very close, we have told each other we love each other and i do love her to bits, its a distance relationship (90 miles) so we tend to see each other fri to sunday, taking it in turns to travel and stop over.Everything is great, i love her company, time with her flies by, we talk all day every day when apart. In many ways she feels like a soulmate.But, the last few weeks, ive had to face the fact the chemistry side isnt working for me. We are intimate, but it isnt mind blowing or anything as it has been with past partners, and the attraction seems to be getting less each week. I did ask her how she felt that side of things were when we talked and she just thinks its all great ;(Im looking for both emotional closeness (which i have) and great chemistry and know i need to end this now. I know it seems i want too much but i can see this becoming a platonic relationship eventually and dont want that!I know i need to finish this NOW, rather than drag it out, but:- i know she has had confidence knocks in the past (dated nasty guys) and i dont want to make that worse, i am terrified about upsetting her.Should i just tell her the truth that i love her tonnes, shes fab, gorgeous etc but the chemistry between us doesnt seem right?.It seems a very cruel thing to say, i also know that while a relationship isnt for us, id be devestated to not keep her friendship somehow.Also, with xmas coming, should i wait till after xmas?. Its a bad time to split, but i think it might be worse if i leave it longerThanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Mr-M +, writes (2 December 2008):
 Im sorry to tell you this, but there is no easy way to break up with someone, the nicest thing you can do, which can unfortunately also be the most painful, is to be honest with her about what is wrong, and how you feel, and why it is that you are ending it, and hopefully after all that you two can both be friends. This is the best thing i can really say about this because, like i've said, theres never an easy way to do something like that.
M
A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (2 December 2008):
 5 -6 months seems to be the time where men more than women know if things will go to the next level or not.
Maybe ask her if there are things about you she isn't too happy with so that she has the chance to realize you aren't the one for her.
Maybe also tell her what you told us, she is perfect in so many ways but the chemistry just isn't there for you sexually and that its best to end things than pretend you are satisfied and look for women behind her back.
That you care for her too much than to stay with her while having to lie. Also make it very clear that if she chooses to remain friends that there is nothing she can do that could make the chemistry right for you. Its just chemistry and no one has control over that.
Also, perhaps tell her that you really wish you felt that because she is so great in every other way otherwise you would not have continued seeing her for all these months.
That you have very high sexual needs and it isn't fair to her if you don't feel it with her to pretend all is okay.
Nothing you say is going to prevent her from being hurt, but also let her know that you don't want to lead her to believe there is a future if there isn't by dragging it out for months.
it might actually be best not to wait till after christmas as she will have a horrible memory of a Christmas that was a lie. Good luck in this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, ill tell her this weekend i guess, i imagine it will be a short round trip this weekend!
Not sure im a nice guy though..i think it is my fault, ive still had intimacy each week (she always wants to within minutes of us seeing each other) ..and when ive not wanted to (the last few weeks) ive taken the time to satisfy her with tongue and fingers etc...apparently something none of her exes bothered with! So its my fault she doesnt realise its not doing it for me.
I guess its because she really has done nothing wrong at all i feel awful, she is sweet, honest, loving everything a guy could want in a GF.
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (2 December 2008):
 Heyy,
You shouldnt be with someone who you do not wish to be with, and you are not happy with them. You also shouldnt be with someone just because you are upset for finishing her. However i understand fully how you are feeling and how worried you are about doing it. It is a lot better even though it is harder, to do it in person face to face. You need to explain all your problems and explain you would rather not be in the relationship. Dont make her think you would get back with her (saying it is a break) as that would give her false hope. I hope everything turns out okay,
I hope i helped, feel free to mail me x
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