A
male
age
41-50,
*hissucks2010
writes:I am writing this as my "burn letter", to free me from the pain I am going through and to try to get over this and ask people what did I do wrong so please bear with me and read this, thanks! I went about 4 times with a girl in nov. 2008 (we were both on a dating site) and we hit it off in the end she told me she wanted to move to Chicago and met a guy from there and wanted to see where it went. I understood as I was dating other people too and wished her well. In aug. 2009 her ad from the dating site was sent to me again and I emailed her and said. Sorry it did not work out with the chicago guy I hope you are well. Emails led to calls that led to us meeting up again end of Sept. I am 35 in the Detroit area she is 37 in Lansing, we are both divorced and I share custody of my 5 yr old daughter. I told her I could not move because of my daughter and she said she was open to moving anywhere, Moving to the Detroit area was an option, she heard of nice areas to live in, she wanted to find a nice guy, Chicago may not be for her as she usually dated high rollers with big egos and she was treated like a vacation wife-good person to go on trips with as she packs lite and looks good on the arm. So now she wanted to find a guy who was down to earth and she was with for the right reasons and liked to spend time with her so we stated dating. We got together every week, went to Cleveland to see the Cavs play over thanksgiving, talked and texted every day. I would write her a poem a week about funny things that happened that we would laugh about while we were dating and I texted her good morning every morning and tell her have a great day. When we got together we hung out, went for dinner, I met her friends over Christmas and New years and we watched college basketball with them, etc. It was a relationship that did not require any work, we are both working professionals but we took time out for each other to talk about our work, what we wanted in life, etc. so it was nice not have having any conflict, that we were open and honest wth each other. 2nd weekend in January we went to Chicago. I drove to lansing and picked her up and we drove to Chicago. We started talking about people in relationships and how they say 80% of people cheat. She told me how her ex-husband cheated on her when she was married 4 ys. ago and I could tell it still bothered her. Then the topic changed to past relationships and what went wrong. I knew this was her 1st time back since dating that guy for 10 months who was from there and made mention that it should be interesting to see how things go and I mentioned I thought it was funny there was still a youtube video up of her and this other guy she dated 2 yrs ago going to a baseball game and she said yeah that needs to come down. When I mentioned how it would be nice to go Toronto with her and do a few things she told me she had already done those things and not to take her for drinks at the john hancock building as she had already done that too. It was not a bad conversation, but just funny that she was telling me everything, even how she went to a sex toy store there and got some things. I was ok with it, and we laughed about a lot of things during our drive down. While there, we shopped, I was good getting her all her sizes while she was in the dressing room, the only thing I had to do was get a doll from the american girl store. The only thing I wanted to do was go ice skating, little kids were out there bundled up and said said it was too cold for her to go. THat night she made reservations at a restaurant she went to with her ex (is that right?) for 9 and told me she liked the food there. We got there and did not get seated until 10, I was starving, and she then tells me we are sitting at the same table as she did with her ex. The waiter comes and she asks me to order. I am like I have never eaten here, I do not know what is good so I am not going to order. she tells me she is used to guys ordering for her and we pick some things out. next, the appetizer comes, I ask her to go ahead and I will help myself after She asks me aren't u going to serve me? tells me that it is polite to serve the other person. I looked at it and said honestly, I do not know what it is or where to even cut it from. She then says never mind and gets it herself. She made a few other comments about how I get early and if I am going to wake her up in the morning because of it but through all this I kept my mouth shut. The next morning I got up and asked her do you want to talk about last night? she said she was sorry and maybe it was hard for her being there at that restaurant having a past. I told her it is still early, go back to sleep as I wanted to go for a walk to navy pier since I never been (and I know it was cold too so why ask her when I know she can't handle it). She said no, hang out with her and I did. We did more shopping, I drove her around and even went to the same sex store she did with her ex because I did not care, if she liked their products and I bought her some stuff and told her it was my valentines day present to her. That night, we were to meet her colleagues who were now in town for her convention that was to start the next day. We went out to dinner and it lasted 4 hrs! I am thinking she would not go skating with me for 30 min. but I had to meet these people for 4 hrs! They were nice, We had a great conversation and all laughed but it was another expensive restaurant like the night before with small portions but $$$. We caught a ride back to the hotel with 2 of her colleagues (we cabbed it there) and sat in the back seat. The driver had gps and passenger had a map but we still got lost. My chic says to me do u still have that map on you? I did. Rudely she said aren't you going to pull it out and help them with the directions? I think you should do something?. THey could hear her talking to like this, I did not know them, do not know Chicago, I am in the back seat, can't see the street signs plus they are women I just met and i am not going to be a back seat driver! We make it back to the hotel, get out of the elevator and she walks the wrong way to the room. I say to her hey babe, it's this way. She turns around, eyes bulging and says oh so now your going to give me directions on how to get there! I stayed quiet, went into the room changed my clothes and went to bed quietly. The next morning she got up at 6:30 as her convention was starting and while she was in the shower and I packed up my things. She came out of the shower and she saw what I was doing and again said to me sorry I snapped at you. I thought she should have said it the night before, but why did it happen again? I just said, look, I just want to go home now (She was getting a ride back in a few days from 1 of her colleagues when the meetings were over and I was going back that day anyway) and she was look, ok, bye. and went back to the bathroom. I did not want to get into it, she had meetings all day, I had a 4 hr drive and I did not want to say something stupid or foolish so I left. I texted her that night I got back safe, no response. I texted her the next day when she got back to call me when she got in. SHe called me and was like what do you want? You are not the person I thought u were, if u had issues with my past you should not have gone (then why did I go to the same sex store as she did with ehr ex if I had issues?), I could not believe you packed up and left, She called me immature, that I wanted to go to navy pier because I was mad (I wasn't like I said I am an early riser and just wanted to go)...etc. etc. I asked so nothing on this trip was good? No fun? this is our 1st fight and this is what happens, what happened to caring about each other? She said the bad things outweight the good things 10 to 1 and I heard a click. I called her back and asked did u hang up on me? She said yes because I was annoying her and she needed to think about things. She did not say once that she behaved wrong there, that she had issues, nothing. I sent her flowers the next day to her work, just said sorry for the misunderstanding, hope we can work things out. She did send a text thanking me for the flowers and I waited a few days and called her. It had been 5 days now, i asked her if she had thought about things, she said she hadn't she was relaxing and doing other stuff. I stayed quiet but thought to myself wow, she dosen't seem to care. 4 days later I saw she deleted me from her facebook site, I sent her a text asking to talk to say goodbyes and she called me the next day while I was at work. I asked if she would be around later and I would call her then, She said she would and when I did her phone was turned off. I texted her that was mean and she went to sleep and she that it was not going to work out, wished me well and sorry we did not have a chance to talk. i feel that I did nothing wrong in the relationship, I was emotionally there for her, did not cheat on her, I cook all types of ethnic foods and would surprise her with things. I think she has issues she has not confronted yet, the fact that she does not like where she lives, wants to move somewhere else and change jobs played a role but why take it out on me? What did I do here? I have never been treated this way and was shocked! Most of all, I miss the friendship we had, but since then no contact. She is pretty professional at this. What should be going thorough my head, it has been a month! Please don't say go screw another girl, i am not that ind of guy to do that stuff. I just would like to know what I did wrong and if anyone sees what is wrong with her. thanks
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at work, christmas, divorce, facebook, flowers, her ex, immature, navy, sex toy, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): hi there, i really feel sorry for you. You seem like a genuinely nice guy. I know you won't want to hear this but from the sounds of things you deserve a lot better. You've treated her really well and tried to empathise with her but she's thrown it back in your face. I think she could be bi-polar as she seems to be jumping from one emotion to the next. It also seems as if moneys gone to her head n she wants a slave of a boyfriend rather than the loving, kind person you seem to have displayed. One day she will wake up and realise what she's lost. She obviously isn't right for you, you go out and find the one for you! I know its hard but time will make it easier :-)
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 February 2010):
 Can you say high maintenance girl? And not in a good way.
Be glad it didn't work out, she really didn't want it to work out. She acted like a spoiled brat who is still hung up on her ex.
Woo be very glad you avoided the mess and drama this women would have brought to your life...
You dodged a bullet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): I don't think you did anything wrong, I think you two are not made for each other and the trip and time spent together pointed this out in glaring colors.
You want a woman that doesn't behave as if she has a stick up her ass and is willing to try anything, even if it is cold outside...within reason I mean.
She may be bragging about going out with high roller men, but she is mistaken about what constitutes class and good manners. She was rude and childish and you politely put up with it. If it were me I would have waited until out of ear shot of people and I would have spoken my mind.
There is a power struggle going on here which can happen early in a dating relationship and if you two can't work through it then you simply are too different or want different things.
I think you should have told her don't let the door hit you in the behind when you leave for Chicago. Telling you she was moving to Chicago to be with a guy she met on line after meeting you the same way, means she already had decided you weren't quite what she was trying to order up.
And I don't know why you bit when she sent her ad back to you. She must be a looker and is used to getting what she wants from men. I know the type and I don't like these kind of women. They use sex to control men and they are complete divas and haven't developed much of a personality because they are use to getting all the attention they want.
Yuck. Ugly is as ugly does. NEXT!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, LibertarianLou  +, writes (16 February 2010):
You sound like you actually behaved perfectly. I was reading your message wondering why on earth there aren't more guys like you - then realised they probably get treated like this so many times they give up and start behaving like d**ks.
She might have borderline personality disorder, or else she might just be a spoilt cow. Either way it's not your problem. There are a LOT of women out there who would absolutely kill for a guy like you (not literally, obviously).
Be glad you got out when you did - and please, please don't start acting like a moron. Not all girls like this at all - it is just unhappy fruitcakes like this one.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (16 February 2010):
She sounds very spoilt and at the same time is used to having the red carpet rolled out for her by dominating rich guys. I'm sorry but she is not regular guy material. Sad thing though is that at 37 she might struggle to meet wealthy guys under 50 to put up with her bad attitude. I suggest one of two things; either you forget about her and move on or you be less of a gentleman and be a little more demanding and controlling. Women like her often like guys who take control eg. I'm ordering this dinner for you, don't wear this wear that, let's go there tonight. Being nice and letting her decide everything is not always welcome with some women. If she talks bull on the phone next time, tell her in a firm tone you won't tolerate any nonsense and when she grows up she should call you, then hang up and don't pick up for the rest of the day. If you want to carry on with her then you have to balance the power in this relationship.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (16 February 2010):
 Bizarrely and for no good reason I think that she feels she is too good for you and deserves better. I think she thinks she is the high flying business man's vacation wife and although apparently knocks it, it is really what she is looking for. I don't think she has had a great deal of experience of life and is basing her views on perhaps one or two guys who have obviously ordered for her and served her first. This ofcourse is not normal as you would have no idea of what to order if you have never been to the restaurant before. This is all very spoilt behaviour. When I was younger I too used to behave like this and used to kick the man if he didn't stand up when I left the table. Terrible behaviour. Little things can annoy or trigger off women like this, things such as getting up early, not asking her permission to go somewhere, not being by their definition manly enough by giving directions and knowing everything, the list can be endless. There is no fairness to any of this and the moods will change with the wind going from loving and sweet one moment to pure evil the next. I have also noticed that it is normally women who think they are really good looking but are not getting full recognition for this who behave in this manner. My advice is leave well alone. She is not a nice person and is seriously mixed up. Please don't send anymore flowers or call or text. This behaviour is all down to her it is nothing to do with you and you have behaved impeccably. Put this one down to experience.
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A
female
reader, applebite8821 +, writes (16 February 2010):
 I totally understand why you are clueless about her. Even me, I will be if i was in your shoes. But only a person who has no feelings attached can have a better opinion why she acts that way.
In my opinion, I think she has issues with her past. You see, she assumed you had an issue with her past..but that's her defense mechanism. She's the one who can't move on. I think she's not ready yet for a relationship.
Secondly, the way she treats you with rudeness in some occasions even infront of her friends are signs she doesn't care about you. Like it was okay for her to have her friends see that she humiliates you, seems like she enjoys it. Maybe she likes attention which she didn't have before. It sounds like she just likes the idea that someone's attention is on her. Then she plays with it.
I would say, she's the type of girl who only cares about sattisfying herself. See the games she's playing with you. What kind of grown-up, stable girl will do that?
Think about it. From what you said, i don't think you did anything wrong to her.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (16 February 2010):
 forget about her date me lmao.. seriously though i think that her high roller life style has stuck and she is still behaving that way. i think it is her with the issues/ a relationship should be 50/50 but i se more 20/80.. i think your better off without her really. it would seem that she has alot of issues and not to mention a bit of reality needed. her old life style hasnt left her but what she wants out of it may be different. if i were you i would find someone who wants to be with you and give each other what you both need. all the best aphex xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): Its very difficult to read without paragraphs. She sounds like she has many notions about how things should be
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A
female
reader, CherryBoom  +, writes (16 February 2010):
you really tried ur best trying to understand her but she has issues that u can't fix.
in my opinion u didn't do anything wrong. she has a problem and she can't handle it herself, blaming u of things. to me she needs counselling to get over her past. she's still dragging that load with her and if she doesn't get rid of it, she won't be able to focus on to her present. try asking her to go to a counsellor and if she says no or insult u, just leave her and try to move on.
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